BFN

That was to expect after all the drama with this cycle. At least it's a clear result.

It's strange, but now I am nearly relieved it's over. I don't think I would have wanted another miscarriage or another maybe pregnancy. My body has killed another 3 embryos. That makes 12 or 13 now, depending how you count... I feel sad, but since I was prepared for this, I am more or less o.k.

Time for some Booze and hair-dying and chocolate and carbs and all the other stuff I have been depriving myself off for the last couple of months.

Did I tell you that my pregnant friend wanted to take me out for dinner tonight? I am sorry, but I don't think I can do this. I am still sick and if I would go out, I wanted Sushi and Booze.

Sick as a dog

I am sick as a dog. Lilli has passed me her cold which has turned into sinusitis for me. I went in for an other bloodtest yesterday. I was supposed to go today, but I wanted to see what was happening.

Estradiol: 171,85 (up from last blood test)
Progesterone: 6,39 (down from 12,something)

The end is near. My lining is starting to shed... I am sure it's over.

I really didn't wan to be back at this place!

This morning I received yesterday's blood results for progesterone and estradiol. They both completely feel from Saturday. Now I am completely freaked out. I really didn't want to visit this place again where I am obsessing about everything. Dr. Google hasn't been very helpful either. I was trying to be all Zen about this cycle, knowing that we would be o.k. in the end. Now I feel like the end is here already...
While dh tells me to focus on this cycle, I am already in my head thinking about the next. What if we use donor eggs? Will that make a difference. It is so hard to realize that my body might just not be made for having babies. Makes me feel like a complete failure - again. I really didn't want to be back in this place...

1 more week

I contacted the doctor yesterday. She asked me how I was feeling. I told her I didn't feel anything. She said that this was normal and to not worry. I am trying not to. Sometimes I think of a plan B. What if this doesn't work? With our history, there is quite a likely chance it won't work. Implantation is not something that can be controlled. Should we try again with donor eggs? Save the money for another adoption?

Courtesy to L. I am also dealing with a cold - runny nose and cough and all...

I definitely am at a better place than I was nearly 4 years ago when we tried for the first time. I am not as obsessed with every twinge and every pain. One more week and we will know. And no matter what the result will be. We will be o.k. We have a beautiful baby in our house right now.

Day 6 - 9 days to go!

The ball was great. But it was hard because I felt I needed to explain myself all the time why I wasn't drinking. Everybody around me got trashed. I was sipping my water all night...

Symptoms so far: none. Sore breasts from the drugs. Nothing more. This is the least movement I ever had in my belly. It seems like nothing is going on down there. I am of course convinced that it didn't work at all. On Friday I felt a little queasy and I was a little excited because I hope maybe that this was the beginning of a lot more queasiness. Nope.

Yesterday I had to get my bloodwork done. I went early in the morning to avoid having to wait too long. I arrived at the hospital at 6:39 a.m. (the lab doesn't open until 7:00 a.m.) and took my number. There were already 8 people in front of me. I still had to wait about an hour until I was done...

I really hate it that it seems I always have to remind the nurse to either put on gloves before drawing my blood or to change their gloves. This is such a standard in the U.S., but here people just seem completely careless. One nurse recently told me: "Don't worry, I have kids!". I didn't know what she wanted to express with that, but I guess she wanted to say that she was being careful. Especially if you have kids, you should put on gloves, dear lady!

After the blood draw I asked the cashier at what time the results would be ready and whether they could send them via email (which they have done in the past). He said to call after one. Of course I called after one to hear that they couldn't email them because it was a week-end and their system doesn't seem to work on week-ends. I then asked them to tell me the results. Well, guess what? There is a law preventing them to do it. They were willing to fax them to me, but we don't have a fax number here. I couldn't really go back to pick them up either because I had to get ready for the ball. In the end I asked them to send them to the Dr.'s office. But I am pretty sure that they didn't do that. So tomorrow my doctor will see two day old progesterone and estradiol results... Why does everything have to be so complicated here?

Day 3 - 12 more days to go...

I went in for an acupuncture session today. She didn't put a lot of needles in. It still felt relaxing. Except someone thought it was o.k. to bring their screaming child to the Spa I went to and the child pretty much screamed the whole time. I was upset about it, then I felt bad for thinking that way. I just think it's not appropriate to bring your child to a place where people come for tranquility and relaxation.

I had two coloring sessions already. I think they help to calm down. Whether they help with implantation, I won't know until November 16th.

We are supposed to go to a ball on Saturday. I feel horrible about the thought of having to explain to people that I won't be able to drink. I don't really feel like going, but it's kind of a work thing...

Lilli is doing my hair as I am typing (one of her newest passions - I call it revenge), so I should probably get going and spend some time with her... Will keep you updated.

3 Babies on Board

This morning we transferred three babies into my uterus. The whole time nobody ever spoke about embryos, they were talking about babies all the time. One was a grade A and two were grade B. The transfer went very smooth.

Now I am pregnant until proven otherwise and I have entered the dreaded Two-Week-Wait. I will have to do a blood test every couple of days. The pregnancy test is on November 16th. I will also stay on estrogen and progesteron as well as the prednisone and all the other vitamins I am taking.

When we arrived at the clinic, a lady approached us. She said that she was working with the clinic on alternative medicine. What she basically does, is give you relaxation techniques. So while doing the transfer, she was telling me how we were on the beach and to look at the waves etc.

Before she had given me some papers to color. They are supposed to represent the process, so my brain would release some endorphin or something. That was a little weird. Dh did get his own set of papers to color... We might have a coloring session with Lil this afternoon. She also gave us a CD with music which I am supposed to hear every night. I might schedule an appointment with her in a couple of days to visualize the babies growing inside me.

I love, love, love our doctor. She said that they have done everything they can. Now it is in God's hands. We prayed the same thing on the way to the hospital.

Doctor wants me to rest for the next two days. I can do that. I love being spoiled by dh. He made a great Mac'n Cheese for lunch. She wants me to continue this diet where I don't eat sugar and chocolate and no carbs at night. I am craving chocolate so badly now. I want a molten chocolate cake so badly...

6-3=3

Of the 6 eggs we got, two weren't mature. One didn't fertilize. So, it looks like we might be able to transfer three on Tuesday. Hold your fingers crossed that they grow and stick this time.

My mood has started to go down. I don't know whether it's the progesterone or the estrogen pills I have started taking today, but I don't feel as positive as I have the past couple of weeks. I hope my mood is improving again soon.

Strong and sticky embryos needed

Today at the retrieval we got six little eggs. Let's hope the ICSI will do the trick and let them grow into six strong and sticky embryos.

My doctor had told me to be there at nine in the morning. On the paperwork it said 8:00 a.m. So dh and me decided to leave the house at 8:00 a.m. When we arrived at the clinic's lab, nobody was there. We were waiting for about 20 minutes until around 8:40 a.m. someone showed up.

The retrieval was actually the easiest I ever had I think. Of course apart from the IV which I don't like. But the anesthesiologist was really good, so it barely hurt.

The doctor was at a conference, so her husband performed the retrieval. She later emailed me to say how happy she was that we got six. It isn't a huge number, but I think that's pretty much how many we had every single time we have done this.

When we asked Lilli in the past whether she wanted a brother or a sister, she just said: "No, thank you!" This evening when I asked her, she said she wanted a sister. That would be great, wouldn't it?

We are a go!

Went to see the doctor again today. Took Lilli with me. She brings me luck as the waiting time is so much shorter when she is coming along...

The doctor won't be here on Saturday, so her husband will do the retrieval. She saw 6 follicles on one ovary and maybe one on the other. I don't know what happened to my uterus, but the ultrasound hurt like hell again. I think it's tilted even more than it was in the past.

I asked her for her guess. She said that everything looks perfect, but there is the big question that we don't know. Implantation is something that they can't influence. That's why I am taking the Prednisone and all the other medication.

Retrieval is scheduled for Saturday. I will have to take estrogen pills and progesterone suppositories. Has anyone ever taken estrogen pills after retrieval and it has worked for you? Would love to hear some insights.

It looks like transfer will be on Tuesday. We will find out whether #4 was our lucky charm on November 15th. I think I will schedule another acupuncture for Friday. And then I'll do one on Tuesday after transfer.

Lilli is just standing behind me in big-girl underwear and doing my hair. I keep on reminding her that she needs to use the potty in case she has to go...

And gone again...

Yesterday I had another doctor's appointment. In the morning I went in for bloodwork. I woke up around 6:00 a.m. and decided to go as early as possible to avoid traffic and long lines. Little did I know that when I left the house at 6:19 a.m. a lot of people were already on the road. Caracas is a nightmare for traffic. But I arrived at the hospital pretty early and found the lab right away. But what a surprise: when I got my number (you take numbers here for everything like at the meat counter), there were 31 patients in front of me already. I waited until my number was called upon for payment which was about 30 minutes after I had arrived. Then I waited about another hour when it was finally my turn. The bloodtest itself only took 3 minutes...

In the afternoon I had to return to the hospital again to see my doctor. The results were in and she was happy with them. This time she found only 5 eggs in my left ovary and the right one was gone again. I guess it's there somewhere, but because my uterus is tipped the ultrasound hurts like hell. I don't know why, but it had never hurt like that in the past. I wonder what my doctor in the U.S. did different.

The doctor told me that my lining looks different in color than normal. Instead of greyish it looks more like white which must be caused by the endometriosis. She also told me that we were doing ICSI this time to make sure we get the best results. I was surprised because it didn't seem like fertilization was ever an issue, but of course we'll do what's best for good results.

This morning I gave myself the first shot to keep ovaluation from happening. Dh and myself are having some issues to resolve and he was upset that I didn't tell him last night about the shot when he was awake. Our general problem is that he likes to stay up late, while I love to go to bed early. I am an early riser and it's hard to get him to wake up in the mornings. Which makes our like and interactions a lot more complicated than I would like them to be. I guess we both don't feel like we are getting heard. We'll talk about it tonight, I hope.

On a completely different note. Yesterday we talked to Lilli's birthmom (LBM) on the phone. She just had another baby and we are so excited that Lilli has a brother. It was a wonderful, great phone conversation that ended with Lilli singing "Twinkle, twinkle little star" and crowned by her saying "I love you!" to her birth mother. It was the first time we talked to LBM since the birth and a great opportunity to explain to her how much she has blessed us in our lives. We hope that she enjoyed it as much as we did.

Ovary found - now grow some great eggs, please!

On Thursday I had a bad day. A friend of mine told me about her pregnancy. It's the usual. Of course I am happy for her. But I thought: if this doesn't work out for us, then I'll see her growing belly and be constantly be reminded about our failure. I was a little sad about this. I also had my first acupuncture appointment. I told the doctor about this and she wanted to work with my emotions a lot. The doctor uses less needles than my previous acupuncturist and she concentrates them around my belly button. After the acupuncture treatment she used like a little torch/candle on my belly and on my spleen. I had never heard about that before. I don't know what she did, but I felt much better afterwards. I also went on Friday and yesterday. My next appointment is on Thursday. I continue to try to stay positive now.

On Friday I had my first check with the doctor after I started stimulations. I went there and she told me she was really concerned how I was reacting to the stims when she came in. Then she did the ultrasound and was very happy. It looks like I am responding very well to the stimulation. She found about 7-8 follicles on the left ovary, measuring around 9 mm and the right ovary made an rare appearance with 2-3 follicles. I really hope those little follicles continue to grow like this and we will get that many eggs. That would be wonderful. We are continuing on the same dosis and tomorrow morning I have to go in for bloodwork and then I have a doctor's appointment in the afternoon. We might do retrieval as early as next Friday! Retrieval scares me, because I don't like the IV that is connected with it...

I love, love, love my doctor. She is about my age and super competent and sweet!

Busted

Yesterday we did another round of shots. This time we feel so clumsy with them. The last three times seem easy compared to this time. The first night we splattered glass all around the kitchen while trying to open the vials. Yesterday when I went to pay for the medication, I asked at the doctor's office how to open them and they showed me an easier way to do it (but it can still break in your fingers).

Then last night after dh had taken the fluid from the third vial and mixed with the medication, the syringe didn't work and released the $50/shot fluid all over the kitchen counter.

Fortunately we have enough vials for the next two days (unless an accident like that happens again) and then on Friday I have to go see the doctor again. When he put in one of the shots, the syringe came back out, so he had to stick it in again. He claims that I moved, but of course that's not true.

But while we received this great training in the U.S. on how to administer the shots, we feel like idiots this time around. We should be pros, having been through this already three times before... I can definitely say that the equipment was easier to handle in the U.S.

Let's hope we become less clumsy and the equipment doesn't refuse to work in the future...

Looking for an ovary - apply within

AF arrived on Saturday night around midnight. I saw a doctor yesterday. Everything looked good, even though she couldn't find my left ovary either. But at least there were three follicles on my right ovary. Maybe the left will show up some time in the future...

Today we are starting stimulation. I have to take 3 vials of Menopur and 3 vials of Bravelle a day for 4 days and have to go back on Friday for another ultrasound. The vials with the fluid were really difficult to break. My friend who is visiting said, they usually come with a little knife, but I didn't see any. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to break them without splattering the glass all over? We never had these kind of issues in the past. Of course the introduction through a Spanish speaking nurse were not that great either...

I read in "The Infertility Cure" from Randine Lewis that L-Arginine can help poor responders to improve egg quantity and quality. That's one of the things the doctor prescribed me.

Waiting for the start and Blogoversary

Today is day 25 of my cycle and I know it won't take long for AF to arrive. The second day I have to go to the clinic and start stims. I also just scheduled three acupuncture treatments for next week.

My Mom is here and it's great to have her here. Unfortunately she doesn't like to just sit around. She feels unproductive which I can understand. But I'd love to take her out, but she refuses to leave the house. She is just not used to be on the go all the time like we are here. I am a little sad, because there are so many things that I wanted to show her. Instead we are just sitting in the house and I feel like she's here, but she isn't because we don't spend enough quality time together. It's a difficult story and not an easy relationship. I love my Mom, I wish she would understand my life more...

On an different note: it's been more than 5 years since we began this journey to create our family. It's been full of heartbreak from so many perspectives: miscarriages, my dad's cancer. But there was light at the end of the tunnel. The light is now already 26 months old and her name is Lillian. She is the love of our lives...

I just realized that today is my three year blogoversary. I have been such a bad blogger since Lilli was born. But I can't believe it's been three years since we started the adoption process... Happy Blogoversary to me!

Let the games begin...

Not that anyone is still reading this blog as I have been such a bad blogger. But I still wanted to give a little updated on project S (sibling). We have moved ahead with tests and treatments.

The doctor that works on immunology issues has me taking
- Vitamin C (500, 2 daily)
- L-Arginine (1000, 2 daily)
- Folic Acid (one daily in the mornings)
- Aspirine 81 mg (evenings)
- Q10 (1 daily)
- DHEA (Fishoil, two daily)

In addition today, I started taking Prednisone (2 daily) which might be able to help with implantation.

She also advised me to go to the gym 3-5 times a week and do cardio exercise for 45 minutes. I hate working out and literally have to drag myself there, but I have been doing it for about 6 weeks.

I also met her to talk about food. She recommend no carbs in the evenings which is really hard for a carb girl like me. I am trying to stick to the meat and salad or vegetarian option, but it's hard. I love my pasta, I love my bread... I can have 1/2 cup of carbs for lunch. Two snacks are also important, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. And a healthy breakfast of course. I am trying to avoid sugar (hard!), but am cheating a little here and there.

We are starting at the next cycle. Since I am a slow responder, I don't have to do any down-regulation and my doctor will start stimulation on day two of my period. I am very excited and hope that the fourth time is our lucky charm. I feel like this time I am not such a nut-case like in the past. But because we are so blessed to have Lilli, at the end of the day, I know it's not the end of the world if it won't work. I might be the end of trying with my own eggs (and us needing to save up again until we can afford another cycle). But we can try again. I hope that this attitude will last in case I'll receive another BFN. It's in God's hand and I must trust him with this one. I am doing everything I can to make this try succeed, but he's the one who is in charge.

13.6

I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise to me that my FSH level is at 13.6. I probably should be thankful that it isn't higher. We don't know what this will mean for the future. I have to say that right now I am leaning towards trying donor eggs. Why bother to use my own eggs, if the result is most likely to be negative? If we try with my eggs first and have another negative, I don't know whether I can go through all of this again. We don't really have the funds to fund another round of multiple IVFs. We are still paying back for our adoption. It is just so frustrating that creating our family has become such a question of money. At least we hopefully will be able to use the adoption tax credit (which is refundable for the first time this year) to pay back some of our debt.

Of course, it would be nice to have a genetic relation to at least one of our children (my hubby still could have that), but it doesn't seem to make a difference in Lilli's case. I love her and she is my daughter. People always recognize that I didn't give birth to her and we knew that this would happen.

But you won't believe what kind of comments people here make all the time: "Is this your child?" Me: "Yes, this is my daughter!" "But how is this possible?" or my favorite "Why is she so dark and you so white?" I recently actually used the "Why do you want to know?" answer when a national guard woman at the airport asked me that question. Her response: "Because she is so beautiful!" didn't really make it better... Well, I guess, nobody ever sees an ugly white woman with a beautiful black child around here...

Or the triangle look how I call it. When we walk with Lilli and she is sitting in her stroller, people are looking at her, then at the person pushing the stroller (usually me or hubby), then at the person walking next to them. Next thing you see: the question marks in their eyes. Priceless!

My dusty and rusty ovaries!

Sorry for the long abstinence. I just didn't have anything to say that I thought you might find interesting. I have mentioned here before that we were thinking about #2. I was doing more research on adoption, but it is difficult while we are overseas and we can't adopt here. Therefore we have decided to move forward with fertility treatments again.
Back on the roller coaster you could say. A friend of ours had recommended this clinic here to me that is supposedly one of the bests in the country. I thought "why not give it a try" and had finally scheduled an appointment.

Yesterday we went to this appointment. We didn't know where we were supposed to go and were running around for a while (being kicked out of an elevator once because a patient had to be transported - a weird thing that visitors and patients are transported on the same elevators) and finally found the place. It was like at the meat counter, we took a number for our doctor and then the waiting game began. We were waiting, and waiting, and waiting. After an hour no number had moved forward. I went to the reception to inquire and they told us that people had returned with numbers before ours and they had given them the time. So more waiting. Finally after about 3 hours of waiting they took us to an office. Then we had to wait again. Then we answered some questions. And waited again. Then they took us to an examination room. I had to take off (all) my clothes and put on some hospital gown. Then we were waiting again.

The doctor finally came and we talked for a while. After hearing our history, she feels we should do another IVF. But: and this is the important part. First she wants us to do tons of bloodtests. She said that because of my history there seems to be an immmunological problem with implantation and she wants to find out more about what is going on. There are two doctors that are only working on immunological issues in this clinic. She first wants me me to do the tests and then see one of the doctors to evaluate and then have another appointment with her (probably in August).

When she then looked at my ovaries (AF had arrived right before we left for the doctor - thank you very much!), she couldn't find one and the other one had only one follicle there. Not good indicators of what is to come. Why are those dusty and rusty ovaries not looking better?

I can only wonder how high my FSH level is going to be... She also said that in addition to all my female part problems (the uterus is tilted and the ovaries are somewhere completely deplaced) I now have in addition advanced maternal age. I am 36! But hey: 5 years ago, I didn't have that and I didn't get pregnant either. We'll see how it goes. Maybe they'll recommend donor eggs. I am on board if that helps us to get pregnant and give Lilli a sibling - or two.

I have always suspected that there could be an implantation problem, but am really excited that there is a doctor that actually wants to find out more about it. While researching I found an interesting article on this:



Is there anyone out there that has used Prednisone or IVIG and has had successful results with IVF after having miscarriages and/or failed IVFs before? I'd love to hear from you. Everyone else: I am still following your blogs and am happy for Sew Infertile and Cats with passports and We are what we repeatedly do for having made it to the other side! Congratulations to all of you!

Hospital troubles

We have been fighting with the hospital and the insurance to get part of Lilli's birth expenses reimbursed. Before she was born I called the insurance to find out what they would cover. They told me they didn't cover the birth but they would cover everything for the baby. So far so good.

Of course when she was born, she wasn't on our health insurance yet, so we had to pay the total amount. It took us a while to get her on and when she was, I requested the itemized bill from the hospital. They send me a bill, but it didn't even have a name or address of the hospital on it. I could have just written it myself. I forwarded it to the insurance and they refused to pay it because their was no information of the hospital on it. We received the refusal when we had just moved out of our house in October of 2008. At that time we didn't have access to a printer any more. Therefore I let it go for a couple of months. Last year, I requested several times an itemized bill. The third time, it finally had a stamp of the hospital on it. I forwarded it to the insurance and called and followed up every single step. It turns out that I had to sent it to the insurance in her birth state, not our home state. The insurance lady there was super helpful and I thought we finally had sorted it out.

In December of last year they told me that they were going to reimburse the hospital for the birth. I didn't understand why they didn't reimburse us directly, but there was the insurance allowance and the hospitals real bill, etc., so I didn't question it. They also had talked to the hospital and the hospital told them that they were going to reimburse us for our expenses. So far, so good. They told us it was going to take a couple of weeks, so I waited. And waited. Because we are overseas, we receive our mail only every couple of weeks... Finally two days ago, I decided to follow up again. I called the insurance, they connected me with the hospital and it turns out that they have sent the check on December 22nd. To the address that they had on file for the baby's the birthmom. You got to be kidding me? She cashed the check

We paid the bill and they have our information on file. It has never happened before, etc. They have now sent a letter to the birthmom requesting the money back. I don't assume that she will send it bProxy-Connection: keep-alive
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k. I can't blame her. If you are constantly strained for money, you probably don't question if you receive a check with your name on it. You thank God and cash it. It will now take another couple of weeks until there will be a solution. The sad thing is that it makes me feel different about her birthmom. And I don't want Lilli to notice.

The house is so quiet

Happy new Year to all of you. I just got back from dropping Lilli off at daycare for the first time. We had decided that she needs more interaction with other kids and additional stimulation. She is such a smart cookie. She has a vocabulary of way more than 100 words and is now using more and more verbs in all three language. She is not yet putting words together, but I assume that this is just a matter of time. She is now attending a Montessori daycare twice a week for the beginning. When I just got home the house was so quiet and you can tell that the spirit and laughter of our little girl is clearly missing. I can't wait to pick her up and bring her home...

Around new year she had a mosquito bite below her eye. Through her dark pigmentation it takes forever for mosquito bites to go away and I can still see some darker spots from bites she had back in September. We are trying to protect her as good as possible, but there is only so much you can do when you live in the tropes. I put some after-bite on to avoid her scratching it and to help it healing faster. The bite got bigger and caused swelling below her eye. That is my theory. My dear husband would tell you she probably fell and hit her eye. But none of us remember her crying and falling around that time. Well, the eye turned black and is still a little black. It takes a long time for skin conditions to heal on her dark skin.

Last Sunday we spent at the house of some friends. They had invited a group of friends to taste some Greek food that they had brought back from Greece. They had also invited Lilli's friend B. B and Lilli clearly love each other. They like to hug each other and give each other kisses. While they were hugging, they fell. B. fortunately wasn't hurt, but Lilli fell with her head against the corner of a sideboard. Her lip was bleeding, her eye has several big scratches. Did I mention that this is the opposite eye. So now she has bruising on both of her eyes and scratches on one eye. My poor little girl looks like she has been in a serious fight. I hope it will heal fast and she will be spared from bruises and scratches and bleeding for a while.