I am in a very bad place right now. I decided to not blog about this donor egg cycle, hoping I would be able to come back here in about 8 weeks to let you in on my little secret that I finally made it to the other side and was pregnant with twins.
On April 18th we transferred three grade two embryos in my body. This was our donor's third donor cycle and both previous cycles resulted in ongoing pregnancies. The donor already has two babies at home.
This time I was taking Heparine and PIO shots in addition to the suppositories and the steroids. My blood levels of estrogen and progesterone were great. They dropped a little the week after transfer (which my doctor said was normal) and then went up to 557 estrogen and 51 progesterone last Saturday. I was super happy with those levels and really thought that this time it has worked. Stupid me was thinking that one of the little beings in me had started producing its own progesterone. In addition, my period is nowhere to be seen (last time it started before the blood test). While my boobs were never sore during the whole cycle, I had to pee quite frequently and actually had to get up to pee at night. I was really sure that 5 times of IVF was our lucky charm. After all we were using donor eggs, right? That's supposed to work...
Yesterday night I couldn't contain myself and took an expired pregnancy test (that was the only one I had at home). It was negative. This morning when I had my blood test in the doctor's office I broke down and cried in front of the nurse that was drawing my blood. She told me to have faith. I told her how difficult it was to continue to have faith after 5 (!) IVF cycles.
Afterwards I frantically googled expired pregnancy tests and false negatives... I tried to tell myself that it is all in God's hand. I had to leave it up to him. Still I was thinking about getting a positive result.
The doctor's office was supposed to call me with the results at 11:00 am. Needless to say that I couldn't do any work this morning... The two pregnant ladies in my office were not there first, and then in and out. I finally called the doctor's office while I was by myself in the office. It took a while for me to talk to the right person. Finally she told me that she wanted me to call my doctor on her cell phone. Which I thought was because the doctor wanted to tell me the results personally. At our last failed cycle I hadn't done the blood test there, so I was kind of surprised. I heard a sad tone in her voice, but still had hope.
Of course I called the doctor right away. To hear it personally from the doctor: My body once again has killed three potential children. I feel like such a failure.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
The un-pregnant one
I have been quite busy lately and therefore rather quiet. But this is more due to not really having lots to share.
It seems like everyone around me is pregnant right now. It first started with a neighbor #1 M. She told us last summer that she was expecting baby #2 (#1 is 3 years old). In the meantime #2 was born in January. Then my former neighbor #2 A. whom I was very close to moved away and found out she is expecting #2 (number one is 21 months old).
After our IVF #4 (!) failed, another friend told me she was expecting (#1, which was born a couple days ago 5 weeks early). She didn't want to tell me while we were in the process. A couple of days later, my other neighbor #3 M. (we all live in the same building) told me she was expecting. It made it particularly hard because she must have conceived around the time we were doing IVF. So as her belly is growing I am always reminded of how long it has been since we had to bury our hopes - once again. Are you still with me? I am at 4 pregnant friends.
Let's talk about the office I am working in. There are usually 4 people working in that office. One lady got pregnant last September with baby #2 and left the job early in December. So they hired a new person for her spot. Another person that had one of the jobs also left in December, so they had to hire a new person for that spot as well. Both of the new people they have hired, are pregnant with their first. One has now left to have the baby. Today the third person in the office told me, she's pregnant, also with her first. You can probably guess that I am the fourth person. The un-pregnant one. If you have counted with me, we are now at 8 (!) pregnant friends/coworkers.
In the last three weeks, two male co-workers (from a different office) have shared the news that their wives are pregnant, too. All with their second baby (both first babies aren't even 18 months old yet).
Add to that another friend from Europe telling me, she's pregnant with her third (after a miscarriage last year). And we are at 11 pregnant ladies/people.
Last week, I found out from a very close friend that she's pregnant with her first or her first two. I am super happy for her, as she's been wanting it for a long time and they had to do IVF to actually get pregnant. Why is it so much easier to be happier for people that have struggled harder?
I am surrounded by 12 pregnant women. I am the un-pregnant one.
My biggest concern as we move forward with this DE cycle (I am taking Lupron and the whole vitamins already and will have to take Heparine further down the line) is: where does that leave me? For so many pregnant ladies, doesn't there have to be one infertile one that can't get pregnant no matter what? The person that is on the wrong side of statistics? Aren't I that person? Why is it so hard to trust that my body for once would be able to do what it is supposed to?
Recently while talking with dh, he said something about me possibly giving birth next year. I told him that we shouldn't base our planning on it. Because we have tried to do it in the past and it never worked. I was and am always the un-pregnant one. The one whose IVF cycles didn't work the first time. Or the second like so many of my friend's cycles. Not even the third or the fourth. I stayed the un-pregnant one.
DE will be our last hope of having a biological child (even though not genetically related). I am willing to try it once, do a FET with whatever we have left and then we are done. Then we just have to accept that it's not meant to be. And once again, I'll be the un-pregnant one in a sea of swelling bellies.
If it works, I would be thrilled. Maybe all I need are some eggs, of a 28 year old and my body remembers what it was created for. But I am so scared to even think in that possibility, because I don't want to get my hopes up...
And while I absolutely know how blessed I am to have a wonderful child which I would have never had, if we wouldn't have gone through all the struggles of infertility, I sometimes wish that God could take away the pain. The pain of never having genetically related children. The pain of having to go through so many hurdles in building our family. The fact that finances will determine the size and timing of our family. But it's in his hand. I have to trust him and let go of control. It's just so hard.
It seems like everyone around me is pregnant right now. It first started with a neighbor #1 M. She told us last summer that she was expecting baby #2 (#1 is 3 years old). In the meantime #2 was born in January. Then my former neighbor #2 A. whom I was very close to moved away and found out she is expecting #2 (number one is 21 months old).
After our IVF #4 (!) failed, another friend told me she was expecting (#1, which was born a couple days ago 5 weeks early). She didn't want to tell me while we were in the process. A couple of days later, my other neighbor #3 M. (we all live in the same building) told me she was expecting. It made it particularly hard because she must have conceived around the time we were doing IVF. So as her belly is growing I am always reminded of how long it has been since we had to bury our hopes - once again. Are you still with me? I am at 4 pregnant friends.
Let's talk about the office I am working in. There are usually 4 people working in that office. One lady got pregnant last September with baby #2 and left the job early in December. So they hired a new person for her spot. Another person that had one of the jobs also left in December, so they had to hire a new person for that spot as well. Both of the new people they have hired, are pregnant with their first. One has now left to have the baby. Today the third person in the office told me, she's pregnant, also with her first. You can probably guess that I am the fourth person. The un-pregnant one. If you have counted with me, we are now at 8 (!) pregnant friends/coworkers.
In the last three weeks, two male co-workers (from a different office) have shared the news that their wives are pregnant, too. All with their second baby (both first babies aren't even 18 months old yet).
Add to that another friend from Europe telling me, she's pregnant with her third (after a miscarriage last year). And we are at 11 pregnant ladies/people.
Last week, I found out from a very close friend that she's pregnant with her first or her first two. I am super happy for her, as she's been wanting it for a long time and they had to do IVF to actually get pregnant. Why is it so much easier to be happier for people that have struggled harder?
I am surrounded by 12 pregnant women. I am the un-pregnant one.
My biggest concern as we move forward with this DE cycle (I am taking Lupron and the whole vitamins already and will have to take Heparine further down the line) is: where does that leave me? For so many pregnant ladies, doesn't there have to be one infertile one that can't get pregnant no matter what? The person that is on the wrong side of statistics? Aren't I that person? Why is it so hard to trust that my body for once would be able to do what it is supposed to?
Recently while talking with dh, he said something about me possibly giving birth next year. I told him that we shouldn't base our planning on it. Because we have tried to do it in the past and it never worked. I was and am always the un-pregnant one. The one whose IVF cycles didn't work the first time. Or the second like so many of my friend's cycles. Not even the third or the fourth. I stayed the un-pregnant one.
DE will be our last hope of having a biological child (even though not genetically related). I am willing to try it once, do a FET with whatever we have left and then we are done. Then we just have to accept that it's not meant to be. And once again, I'll be the un-pregnant one in a sea of swelling bellies.
If it works, I would be thrilled. Maybe all I need are some eggs, of a 28 year old and my body remembers what it was created for. But I am so scared to even think in that possibility, because I don't want to get my hopes up...
And while I absolutely know how blessed I am to have a wonderful child which I would have never had, if we wouldn't have gone through all the struggles of infertility, I sometimes wish that God could take away the pain. The pain of never having genetically related children. The pain of having to go through so many hurdles in building our family. The fact that finances will determine the size and timing of our family. But it's in his hand. I have to trust him and let go of control. It's just so hard.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Happy Adoption day!
Two years ago today, we became a forever family. Time to hug and kiss my little princess a little more. She has been the best present we have ever received in our lives. She has given me the chance to be a mother and I am forever grateful to her and her birthmother. L. is so sweet. She is very loving and caring and loves to entertain everybody by singing. She is such a big girl now, already 2,5 years old. This week she went to the daycare without diapers for the first time. The first day she didn't have any accidents, but she didn't go to the potty either. The second day, she peed - on the floor, twice. We'll see how today goes. She has started ballet classes this week. She really seems to like it and comes out happily smiling.
At the last doctor's visit determined that my eggs are old and crappy quality. So we are moving on to donor eggs next. I have another appointment with the immunologist next month and then we are ready to go.
I have to take it slow today. Doctor Google has landed me in the emergency room yesterday. I wrote before here that my cycles are so short and I was trying to find a natural remedy to regulate them. I purchased Dong Quai and took it for a couple of days. It caused a bad amount of nose bleeding that didn't seem to want to stop any more. So I had to go to the emergency room yesterday. Fortunately, today it has only bled once so far. Learning experience for this episode: Don't use Dr. Google to self-medicate!
At the last doctor's visit determined that my eggs are old and crappy quality. So we are moving on to donor eggs next. I have another appointment with the immunologist next month and then we are ready to go.
I have to take it slow today. Doctor Google has landed me in the emergency room yesterday. I wrote before here that my cycles are so short and I was trying to find a natural remedy to regulate them. I purchased Dong Quai and took it for a couple of days. It caused a bad amount of nose bleeding that didn't seem to want to stop any more. So I had to go to the emergency room yesterday. Fortunately, today it has only bled once so far. Learning experience for this episode: Don't use Dr. Google to self-medicate!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
BFN
That was to expect after all the drama with this cycle. At least it's a clear result.
It's strange, but now I am nearly relieved it's over. I don't think I would have wanted another miscarriage or another maybe pregnancy. My body has killed another 3 embryos. That makes 12 or 13 now, depending how you count... I feel sad, but since I was prepared for this, I am more or less o.k.
Time for some Booze and hair-dying and chocolate and carbs and all the other stuff I have been depriving myself off for the last couple of months.
Did I tell you that my pregnant friend wanted to take me out for dinner tonight? I am sorry, but I don't think I can do this. I am still sick and if I would go out, I wanted Sushi and Booze.
It's strange, but now I am nearly relieved it's over. I don't think I would have wanted another miscarriage or another maybe pregnancy. My body has killed another 3 embryos. That makes 12 or 13 now, depending how you count... I feel sad, but since I was prepared for this, I am more or less o.k.
Time for some Booze and hair-dying and chocolate and carbs and all the other stuff I have been depriving myself off for the last couple of months.
Did I tell you that my pregnant friend wanted to take me out for dinner tonight? I am sorry, but I don't think I can do this. I am still sick and if I would go out, I wanted Sushi and Booze.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Sick as a dog
I am sick as a dog. Lilli has passed me her cold which has turned into sinusitis for me. I went in for an other bloodtest yesterday. I was supposed to go today, but I wanted to see what was happening.
Estradiol: 171,85 (up from last blood test)
Progesterone: 6,39 (down from 12,something)
The end is near. My lining is starting to shed... I am sure it's over.
Estradiol: 171,85 (up from last blood test)
Progesterone: 6,39 (down from 12,something)
The end is near. My lining is starting to shed... I am sure it's over.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
I really didn't wan to be back at this place!
This morning I received yesterday's blood results for progesterone and estradiol. They both completely feel from Saturday. Now I am completely freaked out. I really didn't want to visit this place again where I am obsessing about everything. Dr. Google hasn't been very helpful either. I was trying to be all Zen about this cycle, knowing that we would be o.k. in the end. Now I feel like the end is here already...
While dh tells me to focus on this cycle, I am already in my head thinking about the next. What if we use donor eggs? Will that make a difference. It is so hard to realize that my body might just not be made for having babies. Makes me feel like a complete failure - again. I really didn't want to be back in this place...
While dh tells me to focus on this cycle, I am already in my head thinking about the next. What if we use donor eggs? Will that make a difference. It is so hard to realize that my body might just not be made for having babies. Makes me feel like a complete failure - again. I really didn't want to be back in this place...
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
1 more week
I contacted the doctor yesterday. She asked me how I was feeling. I told her I didn't feel anything. She said that this was normal and to not worry. I am trying not to. Sometimes I think of a plan B. What if this doesn't work? With our history, there is quite a likely chance it won't work. Implantation is not something that can be controlled. Should we try again with donor eggs? Save the money for another adoption?
Courtesy to L. I am also dealing with a cold - runny nose and cough and all...
I definitely am at a better place than I was nearly 4 years ago when we tried for the first time. I am not as obsessed with every twinge and every pain. One more week and we will know. And no matter what the result will be. We will be o.k. We have a beautiful baby in our house right now.
Courtesy to L. I am also dealing with a cold - runny nose and cough and all...
I definitely am at a better place than I was nearly 4 years ago when we tried for the first time. I am not as obsessed with every twinge and every pain. One more week and we will know. And no matter what the result will be. We will be o.k. We have a beautiful baby in our house right now.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Day 6 - 9 days to go!
The ball was great. But it was hard because I felt I needed to explain myself all the time why I wasn't drinking. Everybody around me got trashed. I was sipping my water all night...
Symptoms so far: none. Sore breasts from the drugs. Nothing more. This is the least movement I ever had in my belly. It seems like nothing is going on down there. I am of course convinced that it didn't work at all. On Friday I felt a little queasy and I was a little excited because I hope maybe that this was the beginning of a lot more queasiness. Nope.
Yesterday I had to get my bloodwork done. I went early in the morning to avoid having to wait too long. I arrived at the hospital at 6:39 a.m. (the lab doesn't open until 7:00 a.m.) and took my number. There were already 8 people in front of me. I still had to wait about an hour until I was done...
I really hate it that it seems I always have to remind the nurse to either put on gloves before drawing my blood or to change their gloves. This is such a standard in the U.S., but here people just seem completely careless. One nurse recently told me: "Don't worry, I have kids!". I didn't know what she wanted to express with that, but I guess she wanted to say that she was being careful. Especially if you have kids, you should put on gloves, dear lady!
After the blood draw I asked the cashier at what time the results would be ready and whether they could send them via email (which they have done in the past). He said to call after one. Of course I called after one to hear that they couldn't email them because it was a week-end and their system doesn't seem to work on week-ends. I then asked them to tell me the results. Well, guess what? There is a law preventing them to do it. They were willing to fax them to me, but we don't have a fax number here. I couldn't really go back to pick them up either because I had to get ready for the ball. In the end I asked them to send them to the Dr.'s office. But I am pretty sure that they didn't do that. So tomorrow my doctor will see two day old progesterone and estradiol results... Why does everything have to be so complicated here?
Symptoms so far: none. Sore breasts from the drugs. Nothing more. This is the least movement I ever had in my belly. It seems like nothing is going on down there. I am of course convinced that it didn't work at all. On Friday I felt a little queasy and I was a little excited because I hope maybe that this was the beginning of a lot more queasiness. Nope.
Yesterday I had to get my bloodwork done. I went early in the morning to avoid having to wait too long. I arrived at the hospital at 6:39 a.m. (the lab doesn't open until 7:00 a.m.) and took my number. There were already 8 people in front of me. I still had to wait about an hour until I was done...
I really hate it that it seems I always have to remind the nurse to either put on gloves before drawing my blood or to change their gloves. This is such a standard in the U.S., but here people just seem completely careless. One nurse recently told me: "Don't worry, I have kids!". I didn't know what she wanted to express with that, but I guess she wanted to say that she was being careful. Especially if you have kids, you should put on gloves, dear lady!
After the blood draw I asked the cashier at what time the results would be ready and whether they could send them via email (which they have done in the past). He said to call after one. Of course I called after one to hear that they couldn't email them because it was a week-end and their system doesn't seem to work on week-ends. I then asked them to tell me the results. Well, guess what? There is a law preventing them to do it. They were willing to fax them to me, but we don't have a fax number here. I couldn't really go back to pick them up either because I had to get ready for the ball. In the end I asked them to send them to the Dr.'s office. But I am pretty sure that they didn't do that. So tomorrow my doctor will see two day old progesterone and estradiol results... Why does everything have to be so complicated here?
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Day 3 - 12 more days to go...
I went in for an acupuncture session today. She didn't put a lot of needles in. It still felt relaxing. Except someone thought it was o.k. to bring their screaming child to the Spa I went to and the child pretty much screamed the whole time. I was upset about it, then I felt bad for thinking that way. I just think it's not appropriate to bring your child to a place where people come for tranquility and relaxation.
I had two coloring sessions already. I think they help to calm down. Whether they help with implantation, I won't know until November 16th.
We are supposed to go to a ball on Saturday. I feel horrible about the thought of having to explain to people that I won't be able to drink. I don't really feel like going, but it's kind of a work thing...
Lilli is doing my hair as I am typing (one of her newest passions - I call it revenge), so I should probably get going and spend some time with her... Will keep you updated.
I had two coloring sessions already. I think they help to calm down. Whether they help with implantation, I won't know until November 16th.
We are supposed to go to a ball on Saturday. I feel horrible about the thought of having to explain to people that I won't be able to drink. I don't really feel like going, but it's kind of a work thing...
Lilli is doing my hair as I am typing (one of her newest passions - I call it revenge), so I should probably get going and spend some time with her... Will keep you updated.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
3 Babies on Board
This morning we transferred three babies into my uterus. The whole time nobody ever spoke about embryos, they were talking about babies all the time. One was a grade A and two were grade B. The transfer went very smooth.
Now I am pregnant until proven otherwise and I have entered the dreaded Two-Week-Wait. I will have to do a blood test every couple of days. The pregnancy test is on November 16th. I will also stay on estrogen and progesteron as well as the prednisone and all the other vitamins I am taking.
When we arrived at the clinic, a lady approached us. She said that she was working with the clinic on alternative medicine. What she basically does, is give you relaxation techniques. So while doing the transfer, she was telling me how we were on the beach and to look at the waves etc.
Before she had given me some papers to color. They are supposed to represent the process, so my brain would release some endorphin or something. That was a little weird. Dh did get his own set of papers to color... We might have a coloring session with Lil this afternoon. She also gave us a CD with music which I am supposed to hear every night. I might schedule an appointment with her in a couple of days to visualize the babies growing inside me.
I love, love, love our doctor. She said that they have done everything they can. Now it is in God's hands. We prayed the same thing on the way to the hospital.
Doctor wants me to rest for the next two days. I can do that. I love being spoiled by dh. He made a great Mac'n Cheese for lunch. She wants me to continue this diet where I don't eat sugar and chocolate and no carbs at night. I am craving chocolate so badly now. I want a molten chocolate cake so badly...
Now I am pregnant until proven otherwise and I have entered the dreaded Two-Week-Wait. I will have to do a blood test every couple of days. The pregnancy test is on November 16th. I will also stay on estrogen and progesteron as well as the prednisone and all the other vitamins I am taking.
When we arrived at the clinic, a lady approached us. She said that she was working with the clinic on alternative medicine. What she basically does, is give you relaxation techniques. So while doing the transfer, she was telling me how we were on the beach and to look at the waves etc.
Before she had given me some papers to color. They are supposed to represent the process, so my brain would release some endorphin or something. That was a little weird. Dh did get his own set of papers to color... We might have a coloring session with Lil this afternoon. She also gave us a CD with music which I am supposed to hear every night. I might schedule an appointment with her in a couple of days to visualize the babies growing inside me.
I love, love, love our doctor. She said that they have done everything they can. Now it is in God's hands. We prayed the same thing on the way to the hospital.
Doctor wants me to rest for the next two days. I can do that. I love being spoiled by dh. He made a great Mac'n Cheese for lunch. She wants me to continue this diet where I don't eat sugar and chocolate and no carbs at night. I am craving chocolate so badly now. I want a molten chocolate cake so badly...
Sunday, October 31, 2010
6-3=3
Of the 6 eggs we got, two weren't mature. One didn't fertilize. So, it looks like we might be able to transfer three on Tuesday. Hold your fingers crossed that they grow and stick this time.
My mood has started to go down. I don't know whether it's the progesterone or the estrogen pills I have started taking today, but I don't feel as positive as I have the past couple of weeks. I hope my mood is improving again soon.
My mood has started to go down. I don't know whether it's the progesterone or the estrogen pills I have started taking today, but I don't feel as positive as I have the past couple of weeks. I hope my mood is improving again soon.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Strong and sticky embryos needed
Today at the retrieval we got six little eggs. Let's hope the ICSI will do the trick and let them grow into six strong and sticky embryos.
My doctor had told me to be there at nine in the morning. On the paperwork it said 8:00 a.m. So dh and me decided to leave the house at 8:00 a.m. When we arrived at the clinic's lab, nobody was there. We were waiting for about 20 minutes until around 8:40 a.m. someone showed up.
The retrieval was actually the easiest I ever had I think. Of course apart from the IV which I don't like. But the anesthesiologist was really good, so it barely hurt.
The doctor was at a conference, so her husband performed the retrieval. She later emailed me to say how happy she was that we got six. It isn't a huge number, but I think that's pretty much how many we had every single time we have done this.
When we asked Lilli in the past whether she wanted a brother or a sister, she just said: "No, thank you!" This evening when I asked her, she said she wanted a sister. That would be great, wouldn't it?
My doctor had told me to be there at nine in the morning. On the paperwork it said 8:00 a.m. So dh and me decided to leave the house at 8:00 a.m. When we arrived at the clinic's lab, nobody was there. We were waiting for about 20 minutes until around 8:40 a.m. someone showed up.
The retrieval was actually the easiest I ever had I think. Of course apart from the IV which I don't like. But the anesthesiologist was really good, so it barely hurt.
The doctor was at a conference, so her husband performed the retrieval. She later emailed me to say how happy she was that we got six. It isn't a huge number, but I think that's pretty much how many we had every single time we have done this.
When we asked Lilli in the past whether she wanted a brother or a sister, she just said: "No, thank you!" This evening when I asked her, she said she wanted a sister. That would be great, wouldn't it?
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
We are a go!
Went to see the doctor again today. Took Lilli with me. She brings me luck as the waiting time is so much shorter when she is coming along...
The doctor won't be here on Saturday, so her husband will do the retrieval. She saw 6 follicles on one ovary and maybe one on the other. I don't know what happened to my uterus, but the ultrasound hurt like hell again. I think it's tilted even more than it was in the past.
I asked her for her guess. She said that everything looks perfect, but there is the big question that we don't know. Implantation is something that they can't influence. That's why I am taking the Prednisone and all the other medication.
Retrieval is scheduled for Saturday. I will have to take estrogen pills and progesterone suppositories. Has anyone ever taken estrogen pills after retrieval and it has worked for you? Would love to hear some insights.
It looks like transfer will be on Tuesday. We will find out whether #4 was our lucky charm on November 15th. I think I will schedule another acupuncture for Friday. And then I'll do one on Tuesday after transfer.
Lilli is just standing behind me in big-girl underwear and doing my hair. I keep on reminding her that she needs to use the potty in case she has to go...
The doctor won't be here on Saturday, so her husband will do the retrieval. She saw 6 follicles on one ovary and maybe one on the other. I don't know what happened to my uterus, but the ultrasound hurt like hell again. I think it's tilted even more than it was in the past.
I asked her for her guess. She said that everything looks perfect, but there is the big question that we don't know. Implantation is something that they can't influence. That's why I am taking the Prednisone and all the other medication.
Retrieval is scheduled for Saturday. I will have to take estrogen pills and progesterone suppositories. Has anyone ever taken estrogen pills after retrieval and it has worked for you? Would love to hear some insights.
It looks like transfer will be on Tuesday. We will find out whether #4 was our lucky charm on November 15th. I think I will schedule another acupuncture for Friday. And then I'll do one on Tuesday after transfer.
Lilli is just standing behind me in big-girl underwear and doing my hair. I keep on reminding her that she needs to use the potty in case she has to go...
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
And gone again...
Yesterday I had another doctor's appointment. In the morning I went in for bloodwork. I woke up around 6:00 a.m. and decided to go as early as possible to avoid traffic and long lines. Little did I know that when I left the house at 6:19 a.m. a lot of people were already on the road. Caracas is a nightmare for traffic. But I arrived at the hospital pretty early and found the lab right away. But what a surprise: when I got my number (you take numbers here for everything like at the meat counter), there were 31 patients in front of me already. I waited until my number was called upon for payment which was about 30 minutes after I had arrived. Then I waited about another hour when it was finally my turn. The bloodtest itself only took 3 minutes...
In the afternoon I had to return to the hospital again to see my doctor. The results were in and she was happy with them. This time she found only 5 eggs in my left ovary and the right one was gone again. I guess it's there somewhere, but because my uterus is tipped the ultrasound hurts like hell. I don't know why, but it had never hurt like that in the past. I wonder what my doctor in the U.S. did different.
The doctor told me that my lining looks different in color than normal. Instead of greyish it looks more like white which must be caused by the endometriosis. She also told me that we were doing ICSI this time to make sure we get the best results. I was surprised because it didn't seem like fertilization was ever an issue, but of course we'll do what's best for good results.
This morning I gave myself the first shot to keep ovaluation from happening. Dh and myself are having some issues to resolve and he was upset that I didn't tell him last night about the shot when he was awake. Our general problem is that he likes to stay up late, while I love to go to bed early. I am an early riser and it's hard to get him to wake up in the mornings. Which makes our like and interactions a lot more complicated than I would like them to be. I guess we both don't feel like we are getting heard. We'll talk about it tonight, I hope.
On a completely different note. Yesterday we talked to Lilli's birthmom (LBM) on the phone. She just had another baby and we are so excited that Lilli has a brother. It was a wonderful, great phone conversation that ended with Lilli singing "Twinkle, twinkle little star" and crowned by her saying "I love you!" to her birth mother. It was the first time we talked to LBM since the birth and a great opportunity to explain to her how much she has blessed us in our lives. We hope that she enjoyed it as much as we did.
In the afternoon I had to return to the hospital again to see my doctor. The results were in and she was happy with them. This time she found only 5 eggs in my left ovary and the right one was gone again. I guess it's there somewhere, but because my uterus is tipped the ultrasound hurts like hell. I don't know why, but it had never hurt like that in the past. I wonder what my doctor in the U.S. did different.
The doctor told me that my lining looks different in color than normal. Instead of greyish it looks more like white which must be caused by the endometriosis. She also told me that we were doing ICSI this time to make sure we get the best results. I was surprised because it didn't seem like fertilization was ever an issue, but of course we'll do what's best for good results.
This morning I gave myself the first shot to keep ovaluation from happening. Dh and myself are having some issues to resolve and he was upset that I didn't tell him last night about the shot when he was awake. Our general problem is that he likes to stay up late, while I love to go to bed early. I am an early riser and it's hard to get him to wake up in the mornings. Which makes our like and interactions a lot more complicated than I would like them to be. I guess we both don't feel like we are getting heard. We'll talk about it tonight, I hope.
On a completely different note. Yesterday we talked to Lilli's birthmom (LBM) on the phone. She just had another baby and we are so excited that Lilli has a brother. It was a wonderful, great phone conversation that ended with Lilli singing "Twinkle, twinkle little star" and crowned by her saying "I love you!" to her birth mother. It was the first time we talked to LBM since the birth and a great opportunity to explain to her how much she has blessed us in our lives. We hope that she enjoyed it as much as we did.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Ovary found - now grow some great eggs, please!
On Thursday I had a bad day. A friend of mine told me about her pregnancy. It's the usual. Of course I am happy for her. But I thought: if this doesn't work out for us, then I'll see her growing belly and be constantly be reminded about our failure. I was a little sad about this. I also had my first acupuncture appointment. I told the doctor about this and she wanted to work with my emotions a lot. The doctor uses less needles than my previous acupuncturist and she concentrates them around my belly button. After the acupuncture treatment she used like a little torch/candle on my belly and on my spleen. I had never heard about that before. I don't know what she did, but I felt much better afterwards. I also went on Friday and yesterday. My next appointment is on Thursday. I continue to try to stay positive now.
On Friday I had my first check with the doctor after I started stimulations. I went there and she told me she was really concerned how I was reacting to the stims when she came in. Then she did the ultrasound and was very happy. It looks like I am responding very well to the stimulation. She found about 7-8 follicles on the left ovary, measuring around 9 mm and the right ovary made an rare appearance with 2-3 follicles. I really hope those little follicles continue to grow like this and we will get that many eggs. That would be wonderful. We are continuing on the same dosis and tomorrow morning I have to go in for bloodwork and then I have a doctor's appointment in the afternoon. We might do retrieval as early as next Friday! Retrieval scares me, because I don't like the IV that is connected with it...
I love, love, love my doctor. She is about my age and super competent and sweet!
On Friday I had my first check with the doctor after I started stimulations. I went there and she told me she was really concerned how I was reacting to the stims when she came in. Then she did the ultrasound and was very happy. It looks like I am responding very well to the stimulation. She found about 7-8 follicles on the left ovary, measuring around 9 mm and the right ovary made an rare appearance with 2-3 follicles. I really hope those little follicles continue to grow like this and we will get that many eggs. That would be wonderful. We are continuing on the same dosis and tomorrow morning I have to go in for bloodwork and then I have a doctor's appointment in the afternoon. We might do retrieval as early as next Friday! Retrieval scares me, because I don't like the IV that is connected with it...
I love, love, love my doctor. She is about my age and super competent and sweet!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Busted
Yesterday we did another round of shots. This time we feel so clumsy with them. The last three times seem easy compared to this time. The first night we splattered glass all around the kitchen while trying to open the vials. Yesterday when I went to pay for the medication, I asked at the doctor's office how to open them and they showed me an easier way to do it (but it can still break in your fingers).
Then last night after dh had taken the fluid from the third vial and mixed with the medication, the syringe didn't work and released the $50/shot fluid all over the kitchen counter.
Fortunately we have enough vials for the next two days (unless an accident like that happens again) and then on Friday I have to go see the doctor again. When he put in one of the shots, the syringe came back out, so he had to stick it in again. He claims that I moved, but of course that's not true.
But while we received this great training in the U.S. on how to administer the shots, we feel like idiots this time around. We should be pros, having been through this already three times before... I can definitely say that the equipment was easier to handle in the U.S.
Let's hope we become less clumsy and the equipment doesn't refuse to work in the future...
Then last night after dh had taken the fluid from the third vial and mixed with the medication, the syringe didn't work and released the $50/shot fluid all over the kitchen counter.
Fortunately we have enough vials for the next two days (unless an accident like that happens again) and then on Friday I have to go see the doctor again. When he put in one of the shots, the syringe came back out, so he had to stick it in again. He claims that I moved, but of course that's not true.
But while we received this great training in the U.S. on how to administer the shots, we feel like idiots this time around. We should be pros, having been through this already three times before... I can definitely say that the equipment was easier to handle in the U.S.
Let's hope we become less clumsy and the equipment doesn't refuse to work in the future...
Monday, October 18, 2010
Looking for an ovary - apply within
AF arrived on Saturday night around midnight. I saw a doctor yesterday. Everything looked good, even though she couldn't find my left ovary either. But at least there were three follicles on my right ovary. Maybe the left will show up some time in the future...
Today we are starting stimulation. I have to take 3 vials of Menopur and 3 vials of Bravelle a day for 4 days and have to go back on Friday for another ultrasound. The vials with the fluid were really difficult to break. My friend who is visiting said, they usually come with a little knife, but I didn't see any. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to break them without splattering the glass all over? We never had these kind of issues in the past. Of course the introduction through a Spanish speaking nurse were not that great either...
I read in "The Infertility Cure" from Randine Lewis that L-Arginine can help poor responders to improve egg quantity and quality. That's one of the things the doctor prescribed me.
Today we are starting stimulation. I have to take 3 vials of Menopur and 3 vials of Bravelle a day for 4 days and have to go back on Friday for another ultrasound. The vials with the fluid were really difficult to break. My friend who is visiting said, they usually come with a little knife, but I didn't see any. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to break them without splattering the glass all over? We never had these kind of issues in the past. Of course the introduction through a Spanish speaking nurse were not that great either...
I read in "The Infertility Cure" from Randine Lewis that L-Arginine can help poor responders to improve egg quantity and quality. That's one of the things the doctor prescribed me.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Waiting for the start and Blogoversary
Today is day 25 of my cycle and I know it won't take long for AF to arrive. The second day I have to go to the clinic and start stims. I also just scheduled three acupuncture treatments for next week.
My Mom is here and it's great to have her here. Unfortunately she doesn't like to just sit around. She feels unproductive which I can understand. But I'd love to take her out, but she refuses to leave the house. She is just not used to be on the go all the time like we are here. I am a little sad, because there are so many things that I wanted to show her. Instead we are just sitting in the house and I feel like she's here, but she isn't because we don't spend enough quality time together. It's a difficult story and not an easy relationship. I love my Mom, I wish she would understand my life more...
On an different note: it's been more than 5 years since we began this journey to create our family. It's been full of heartbreak from so many perspectives: miscarriages, my dad's cancer. But there was light at the end of the tunnel. The light is now already 26 months old and her name is Lillian. She is the love of our lives...
I just realized that today is my three year blogoversary. I have been such a bad blogger since Lilli was born. But I can't believe it's been three years since we started the adoption process... Happy Blogoversary to me!
My Mom is here and it's great to have her here. Unfortunately she doesn't like to just sit around. She feels unproductive which I can understand. But I'd love to take her out, but she refuses to leave the house. She is just not used to be on the go all the time like we are here. I am a little sad, because there are so many things that I wanted to show her. Instead we are just sitting in the house and I feel like she's here, but she isn't because we don't spend enough quality time together. It's a difficult story and not an easy relationship. I love my Mom, I wish she would understand my life more...
On an different note: it's been more than 5 years since we began this journey to create our family. It's been full of heartbreak from so many perspectives: miscarriages, my dad's cancer. But there was light at the end of the tunnel. The light is now already 26 months old and her name is Lillian. She is the love of our lives...
I just realized that today is my three year blogoversary. I have been such a bad blogger since Lilli was born. But I can't believe it's been three years since we started the adoption process... Happy Blogoversary to me!
Friday, October 1, 2010
Let the games begin...
Not that anyone is still reading this blog as I have been such a bad blogger. But I still wanted to give a little updated on project S (sibling). We have moved ahead with tests and treatments.
The doctor that works on immunology issues has me taking
- Vitamin C (500, 2 daily)
- L-Arginine (1000, 2 daily)
- Folic Acid (one daily in the mornings)
- Aspirine 81 mg (evenings)
- Q10 (1 daily)
- DHEA (Fishoil, two daily)
In addition today, I started taking Prednisone (2 daily) which might be able to help with implantation.
She also advised me to go to the gym 3-5 times a week and do cardio exercise for 45 minutes. I hate working out and literally have to drag myself there, but I have been doing it for about 6 weeks.
I also met her to talk about food. She recommend no carbs in the evenings which is really hard for a carb girl like me. I am trying to stick to the meat and salad or vegetarian option, but it's hard. I love my pasta, I love my bread... I can have 1/2 cup of carbs for lunch. Two snacks are also important, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. And a healthy breakfast of course. I am trying to avoid sugar (hard!), but am cheating a little here and there.
We are starting at the next cycle. Since I am a slow responder, I don't have to do any down-regulation and my doctor will start stimulation on day two of my period. I am very excited and hope that the fourth time is our lucky charm. I feel like this time I am not such a nut-case like in the past. But because we are so blessed to have Lilli, at the end of the day, I know it's not the end of the world if it won't work. I might be the end of trying with my own eggs (and us needing to save up again until we can afford another cycle). But we can try again. I hope that this attitude will last in case I'll receive another BFN. It's in God's hand and I must trust him with this one. I am doing everything I can to make this try succeed, but he's the one who is in charge.
The doctor that works on immunology issues has me taking
- Vitamin C (500, 2 daily)
- L-Arginine (1000, 2 daily)
- Folic Acid (one daily in the mornings)
- Aspirine 81 mg (evenings)
- Q10 (1 daily)
- DHEA (Fishoil, two daily)
In addition today, I started taking Prednisone (2 daily) which might be able to help with implantation.
She also advised me to go to the gym 3-5 times a week and do cardio exercise for 45 minutes. I hate working out and literally have to drag myself there, but I have been doing it for about 6 weeks.
I also met her to talk about food. She recommend no carbs in the evenings which is really hard for a carb girl like me. I am trying to stick to the meat and salad or vegetarian option, but it's hard. I love my pasta, I love my bread... I can have 1/2 cup of carbs for lunch. Two snacks are also important, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. And a healthy breakfast of course. I am trying to avoid sugar (hard!), but am cheating a little here and there.
We are starting at the next cycle. Since I am a slow responder, I don't have to do any down-regulation and my doctor will start stimulation on day two of my period. I am very excited and hope that the fourth time is our lucky charm. I feel like this time I am not such a nut-case like in the past. But because we are so blessed to have Lilli, at the end of the day, I know it's not the end of the world if it won't work. I might be the end of trying with my own eggs (and us needing to save up again until we can afford another cycle). But we can try again. I hope that this attitude will last in case I'll receive another BFN. It's in God's hand and I must trust him with this one. I am doing everything I can to make this try succeed, but he's the one who is in charge.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
13.6
I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise to me that my FSH level is at 13.6. I probably should be thankful that it isn't higher. We don't know what this will mean for the future. I have to say that right now I am leaning towards trying donor eggs. Why bother to use my own eggs, if the result is most likely to be negative? If we try with my eggs first and have another negative, I don't know whether I can go through all of this again. We don't really have the funds to fund another round of multiple IVFs. We are still paying back for our adoption. It is just so frustrating that creating our family has become such a question of money. At least we hopefully will be able to use the adoption tax credit (which is refundable for the first time this year) to pay back some of our debt.
Of course, it would be nice to have a genetic relation to at least one of our children (my hubby still could have that), but it doesn't seem to make a difference in Lilli's case. I love her and she is my daughter. People always recognize that I didn't give birth to her and we knew that this would happen.
But you won't believe what kind of comments people here make all the time: "Is this your child?" Me: "Yes, this is my daughter!" "But how is this possible?" or my favorite "Why is she so dark and you so white?" I recently actually used the "Why do you want to know?" answer when a national guard woman at the airport asked me that question. Her response: "Because she is so beautiful!" didn't really make it better... Well, I guess, nobody ever sees an ugly white woman with a beautiful black child around here...
Or the triangle look how I call it. When we walk with Lilli and she is sitting in her stroller, people are looking at her, then at the person pushing the stroller (usually me or hubby), then at the person walking next to them. Next thing you see: the question marks in their eyes. Priceless!
Of course, it would be nice to have a genetic relation to at least one of our children (my hubby still could have that), but it doesn't seem to make a difference in Lilli's case. I love her and she is my daughter. People always recognize that I didn't give birth to her and we knew that this would happen.
But you won't believe what kind of comments people here make all the time: "Is this your child?" Me: "Yes, this is my daughter!" "But how is this possible?" or my favorite "Why is she so dark and you so white?" I recently actually used the "Why do you want to know?" answer when a national guard woman at the airport asked me that question. Her response: "Because she is so beautiful!" didn't really make it better... Well, I guess, nobody ever sees an ugly white woman with a beautiful black child around here...
Or the triangle look how I call it. When we walk with Lilli and she is sitting in her stroller, people are looking at her, then at the person pushing the stroller (usually me or hubby), then at the person walking next to them. Next thing you see: the question marks in their eyes. Priceless!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)