Cancer

My dad has a lung tumor. I just found out about it. The doctor gives him 6 months to a year to live, maybe less.

I don't really know what to say.

Bad blogger

That is how I feel. This week I started being a full-time student and working only part-time. It has been really hard. I usually leave home around 8 a.m. and get home around 8 p.m. to eat and do homework. Fortunately it will just be for the next 4 months.

The good thing is that my hubby has taken over the kitchen. And he is doing a fantastic job at it. This week I had steak salad, macaroni and cheese, and turkey chili. And one night I had a frozen yogurt (he doesn't tell me the recipe) with strawberries and chocolate sauce. Dinner was ready when I got home. He is really spoiling me... Maybe he can continue to do this. He is a great chef with an huge amount of creativity. And the best: I have even lost some weight. Not a whole lot, but about 4 pounds. I don't know whether that is from his cooking skills or from the stress...

On Wednesday we had our intake meeting with the social worker of our out of state agency. It went well, but he told us that we are still at the beginning of the process. He asked us about how we feel about adoption, why we decided to adopt and how our families reacted to the news. He also wanted to know whether we would be open to any race (yes, we are) or for twins. I said that we would love twins and my hubby added that then each of us would get one....

I already sent a lot of paperwork to them and we are actually not missing that much any more. But our agency still has to release some documents to them and they haven't received our home study yet either.

We still need to work on our profile. Our birth parent letter has to be changed a little and we still need to put our pictures in a nice way (we only have a PDF so far). Hopefully we will get to that this week-end. Our homework package is waiting for us as well. I am currently reading the first book that we have to read. And in April we have signed up for our infant CPR class. But he is aware that we are moving in September and hopefully we will be able to adopt before then.

I still haven't heard from my dad yet. I called yesterday and he hadn't heard from the doctor. But he was in a good mood. He takes it as it comes. There is really not much more that he can do. Of course I asked Dr. Google about spitting or coughing blood and there are lots of possibilities for those symptoms - but cancer is the one I am really scared of. Please continue praying for him.

Concerned about my Dad and Easter

I am really concerned about my Dad's health. He had vocal cords cancer a little more than five years ago. Last week my brother told me that something was wrong with him, but he didn't really know what was wrong. I tried to call my parents, but somehow couldn't really talk to my Mom before Friday. It turns out, my dad is coughing blood. He saw a doctor last week and the doctor said that something is wrong, but she would like to take a closer look - after Easter. We don't really know yet whether it is a relapse of his cancer or something else. But the last days I have been so sad about it and cried a lot. My Dad has been through so much in the last couple of years. Surgeries for his knees, his elbow, cancer, a stroke, epileptical seizures,... How much more does he have to take? If you believe in God, please pray for my Dad. I don't even want to imagine what the news might be this week.

Our Easter has been more or less quiet. On Friday night we went to church and had some dinner afterwards. Saturday I was really lazy hanging out at home all day. Hubby was meeting an old friend who happened to be in town.

On Sunday we met some friends after church for brunch. Of course we didn't have a reservation. Note to self: Easter Sunday is a big brunch day for families. The hostess at the first place we went to told us we had to wait 1 hour to 1,5 hours. No, thank you. At the next place they didn't even take reservations any more, but they offered us some high tables at the bar. Which was o.k. for us. The place was empty when we arrived and I was surprised that they wouldn't just sit us at a table. But about 30 minutes later, the whole place was packed... Most of the people were of course families with tons of cute and cuter children. And then there were two pregnant - ready to pop - women. They looked radiant and amazing.

After brunch we played a round of mini-golf which was fun. I even tied with hubby which doesn't happen so often... After we got home we already had to get ready to leave again. We had a dinner invitation from friends. She is expecting a baby in August and has a cute 3-year-old toddler at home. His parents and grandma were there, too. We had a nice dinner and spent some quality time with them. I had a glass of wine and a glass of champagne and that seems to be my limit. Two drinks and I need to go to bed and sleep. Gone are those college days where I would drink a lot and party all night...

I started my language class today. That means I will be really busy in the next couple of months and might not be able to catch up as much as I would like with all of your blogs and not write as much as I would like to. But if there is anything major happening, especially on the adoption, be sure that you will be among the first ones to know...

No baby from Hawaii...

Two days ago I received one of those dreaded baby shower invitations for late in April. It is nice that people think about inviting me, but I don't really want to go. But I go to my other friend's baby shower in early April. How can I justify for myself that I go to one and not the other one. I know the woman not really well. We have met several times, they have been to our house for a party. But they have never invited us to their home. So I don't really consider her a close friend. I think one baby shower will be hard enough for me. So I will probably decline the invitation.

As I am a foreigner, will you Americans please explain me that the correct code of conduct is. Do I have to give a present? Or do I only have to give one when I am attending? I have no idea. In my country, we generally don't give presents before the baby is born.

Yesterday while I was cooking my evening dinner (curry risotto with pineapples and pork), I received a call from my hubby. The out of state agency had called him to let us know that the birth mother in Hawaii had chosen a family through a different lawyer. Was I disappointed? Yes, a little. But I hadn't gotten my hopes up to much anyway because I was terrified of being heartbroken. And I was terrified of how we could handle the cost of that situation and it happening so soon. So I was pretty much o.k. with it.

The agency said they will be in touch about other situations soon. We haven't even turned our homework package in. I haven't mailed the paperwork back. And they are already looking out for potential situations for us. That is great. Yesterday the second book for our homework package arrived. I finished reading "The Baby Whisperer" yesterday and started reading "Dear Birthmother".

Hubby came back yesterday from his trip. He got his dinner and was eating. I was reading the book and there was one letter from a birthmother to her child that was so loving and beautiful that I read it to hubby. After the letter I continued to read until he stopped me. I think I might have put a little too much pressure on him with my intention to get everything done. I am just so driven by the need to submit all the paperwork as soon as possible. We only have about 6 months left in country and I really would like to get it done as soon as possible. I don't know what happens when we go overseas and we weren't matched before. I am terrified of that thought. And the old fear comes back. Will we ever be parents?

No news on the birthmother front

We haven't heard anything from the birthmother in Hawaii. I wish I knew what this means. Has she made her decision? Is she still struggling? Did she not like our profile?

But in the meantime I fount out that the potential situation we heard of a couple of weeks ago has been resolved. The parents decided to keep the baby. At least we know what happened.

Our home study is nearly ready. The social worker has sent it to the agency and we will probably be able to read it next week. The agency unfortunately doesn't release the home study to us.

Next week will also be our telephone conversation with the social worker from the out f state agency. I have collected all the forms we need to send back. Hubby forgot to sign one and will do so when he comes back tomorrow. Hopefully he will also bring the family reference letter that we need. I hope that I can send out the forms on Thursday. I emailed our home study agency today to ask them to release some of our documents to the out of state agency. They will do that later this week. By the beginning of next week the out of state agency hopefully will have most of the paperwork.

We still will need to do an infant CPR class and do our home work package. I ordered the two books they require and one came yesterday in the mail, hopefully the other one will come soon. This week-end I hope we can work on the home work package. And figure out when and where we can do the CPR class and how we can finance the adoption.

In infertility hell!

Disclaimer: This is maybe too much information as I write about my cycle.

I know, I wrote in one of my previous posts that infertility is taking a backseat right now. That can change quick as I now know. It all started yesterday when I piled another load of laundry in the washer. I had this strange feeling that is always so familiar. AF is on her way. My last cycles have been kind of strange. The cycle before this one lasted only 21 days and this one 25. Something is wrong here. Also I don't have the usual strong flow, just when I go to the bathroom. Which is strange. I usually have a 28 day cycle with a lot of blood in the first couple of days. I wonder whether my hormone levels are somehow off. I don't really want to go to see a doctor.

Having AF come visit is probably one of the worst things that can happen to an infertile (except if you have PCOS, I guess then AF is really welcome). As if the pain wasn't enough, we had made dinner plans to go and meet with some friends and a very nice couple we had met in a restaurant recently. Did I mention that we were meeting the friend who is pregnant with twins?

When we got to the restaurant the other couple was already there and we started chatting. I had brought some adoption paperwork for our friends to sign, so I told the woman that we were adopting. She told me how they had tried to have children for five years and nothing ever happened. They eventually did IVF, because she has PCOS and have a three year old now. They did 6 IUIs and have a one year old as well. She knows the pain of infertility and could feel what I was going through. When our other friends arrived, the pregnant woman had a noticeable belly. She is very tiny and you wouldn't believe there were twins in there. She is already halfway through her pregnancy. We continued to chat about children and the first woman was going on and on. After like two hours or so I said that if she didn't stop now, I had to cry as I was about to burst out in tears at that moment. It was infertility hell for me. Having cycle day one and sitting between a pregnant with twins woman and a stay at home mom with two kids. It is not their fault. I should be happy for them.

It just is so hard sometimes. We meet fellow infertiles and are jealous when they were able to leave the island. Aren't they our sisters any more when they made it to the other side? Shouldn't their achievement give us hope? Hope that maybe one day infertility is history? I so hope for all infertiles on this earth that this day will come.

There is a discussion going on in the online community whether secondary infertility (after you already had a baby) is easier. Women with primary infertility claim that their pain is the worst. And I agree. We never get to experience carrying a pregnancy to term, feeling a baby grow inside us, getting the first soft kicks, waking up because the baby has hickups, experiencing to give birth, to hold your baby for the first time, seeing you or your partner in your baby's face. Women that have been blessed to experience that at least once are so lucky. But I can understand that secondary infertility is hard as well. Even if you have already a child.

We also worked on our adoption paperwork yesterday. I thought the paperchase was over after we had all the documents that we need for the home study. Turns out there is always more you can/should do.... But I feel like me made a lot of progress. I will copy everything tomorrow and then we will mail it in later this week.

Hubby is gone for a couple of days to spend some time with his family. I have to work, so I will wait patiently (?) until he returns home. It is so hard to let him go. I always worry about his safety. I miss him the second he drives away. I feel incomplete without him. He truly is my love and my best friend.

Letter to my body

Dear Body,

You should be my longest friend. You formed how I look before I was even born. I took you and my health for granted most of my life

I always assumed that if I wanted to get pregnant you would just perform and provide us with a healthy baby. I had anticipated for some reason that it might be a little difficult, but what did I know. When I stopped taking the BCP in 2003, I thought it would just happen one day. When it didn’t happen after we stopped using all other birth control, too, I tried to calculate when we should have sex.

When that didn’t happen, I went to see a doctor. She recommended a fertility expert. I made an appointment. But I still trusted you in one way or another.

When I started having this excruciating pain a few days after Christmas of 2005, I didn’t know what to make of it. First I hoped I was pregnant, but I realized that this was technically impossible. A couple of months later the doctor confirmed that I was having a cyst. I hoped you would resolve that cyst like you have done so many times before. But it didn’t happen.

In April of 2006 I decided to undergo surgery to take out that little cyst. Everything went fine and I was relieved. Unfortunately the doctor confirmed my suspicion of endometriosis. But a couple of days later, the pain came back and I had another cyst in the same area. I was stunned. Now I realize that it was your way of telling me that I should get out of that terrible job I had at that time. I got out of it and hoped now everything would be fine. But it wasn’t. The doctor put me in a temporary state of menopause and you were probably confused why I was having some of the symptoms of menopause with 32. You responded by giving me my first gray hair.

After the temporary menopause didn’t resolve the cyst, I had to undergo another surgery. This time I picked a different doctor to perform. After the surgery I was in Menopause for a few more months and I started with Acupuncture. You really seem to like that because you haven’t given me any more troubles with the endo. So I keep on doing it. And my acupuncture doctor has given me a medication that you seem to like, too. At least you haven’t given me any problems any more since then.

But our deepest desire for a baby was still there. The doctor recommended IVF. It is the most aggressive tool we could use to have a baby. And I trusted you. I trusted that IVF and you might become friends. After the first cycle came back negative, I was disappointed in you. But I also was still hopeful. I just wanted a little break of one month. The doctor put me on the BCP for my endo.

I don’t know what happened inside you then. What did you do with the pill? Did you just laugh at it? Did you or a single egg inside you decide to give us some hope? Were there some embryos still inside you and hanging out from our IVF cycle? I don’t know. I just know that my next blood test to start another cycle came back positive. But with a low beta which caused my first miscarriage. I was sad and hopeful at the same time. Maybe IVF would work the next time? Was that a sign? But you decided to grow crappy eggs the next cycle. So it didn’t work either. But the doctor recommended another cycle right ahead. So we went ahead and did another cycle. But you decided it was not the right time for one of these little embryos to stick either. You gave us an HCG level of 9 which was not good news. Turns out you can be a little pregnant. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but you played this mean little game with us and raised the HCG level with every doctor’s visit and our hopes. You doubled it like it is supposed to. But then, two days before my best friend’s wedding I started bleeding and I realized you didn’t accept this little subtenant either. The HCG level dropped and our hopes went down with it.

To make matters worse you decided to provide me with a high FSH level to show me that you didn’t like our aggressive approach. So we had to stop any treatment for a while. We had to stop anyway, because your reluctance to carry a pregnancy let us run out of money.

However in November of last year, we decided to try a cycle of IUI. We actually meant to try two cycles before changing our health insurance. But you weren’t cooperating the first cycle and provided another high FSH level. I understand that you don’t like aggressive approached and I accept it for now. It’s hard to give up the idea of ever having biological children. It would have been so nice to feel a baby grow inside me. But I understand that I need to move on.

We started the adoption process. You don’t have to do anything for that. You don’t have to grow a little baby inside you. Please keep me healthy. I promise I will take better care of myself and maybe even drag myself to the gym more often.

But can we have some kind of truce for now? I promise I won’t bother you for a while. I really would like to learn how to trust you again. We share so much. You have the scars from my surgeries on you and I have them on my soul. I even hope we can be friends some day.

Yoka