The infertile and the unwed teenage mother

We just got back from a truly rewarding experience. We visited a home for unwed teenage mothers. It is run by the church and there are 11 nuns taking care of about 45 girls from ages 10-17 who are mothers themselves. They have just born babies to young children (the oldest being about 5) there, the majority of the girls is really young and has really small babies. The youngest baby was just 12 days old and some girls were pregnant.

They receive some education at this place and have everything they need in the sense of clothing for the children, food, and toys. But what they are missing is love. Most of these girls come from abusive homes or have been raped by their fathers, uncles or stepfathers. The purpose of this home is to teach how to love their children and to educate them so that they can find a job once they have to leave the home with 18.

All the girls were so grateful and happy for our visit. That there was someone that was coming just to see them. There was particularly one girl I connected with. She was 15. We smiled at each other and just knew that we liked each other. Showed me the small room she lives in with her 9 month old baby. I learned from the lady we went with that this is a sign that they really connect with you. We took Lilli with us and through her it was so easy connecting with the girls. They all liked her and wanted to hold her.

There was I, the infertile 34 year old who for such a long time desperately wanted to become a mother building bridges through my adopted daughter with girls 20 years younger than me who were forced to become mothers way to young against their will. We were coming from completely different background and had so completely different stories and we were still able to connect. I am planning on taking my camera next time and take some pictures of the girls with their babies.

There was one baby: Carlitos, 10 months old. His mother had to be taken to a psychiatric hospital a couple of months ago. Carlitos is now being taken care of by the nuns and the other mothers. But you could tell that he was missing to have a mom to take care of him. The nuns have asked for a termination of parental rights (his mother nearly killed him) and there was an assessment. But it could take a couple of months until a decision is being taken. The mother (she is 14) might recover, but it is not known at this point whether she will be able to take care of him. The home would love for him to be adopted into a loving family, but it is a difficult process here.

One glass to many

Last night we went to a Happy Hour. Our regular babysitter had a party to go to, so we thought we were taking Lilli. But then one of our neighbors who has two girls herself volunteered to babysit. We gratefully took her up on that offer.

The Happy Hour was at the house of one of dh's colleagues. It was fantastic. Very nice people there. I had a great time and maybe one glass to many. I started with red wine and chatted away. Then I wanted to pour more red wine. I still had some left in my glass, but I just felt I needed some more. So I poured. Turned out I poured Chardonnay in my red wine. I hadn't looked at the label and made my own rose. After that I continued with Chardonnay. Very nice Chardonnay. Maybe a little too much.

When we got home, we picked up Lilli. Our neighbor was disappointed that she didn't stay the whole night. We hadn't really discussed this before and just assumed we were going to pick her up. Her girls (they are 4 and 5) were very disappointed this morning after waking up: "Where is the baby???"

Lilli woke up during the night. I think she had a nightmare or something because she was just crying inconsolable. I then gave her something to drink to soothe her. I hope that won't mean that she will wake up every night now for a little drink.

When I went back to bed, I lay awake for a long time. Wine does that to me. I don't sleep well after drinking too much. Then I dreamed that it was already 8 a.m. and I had overslept. We went to the market this morning and had planned on leaving around 7:30 a.m. Finally I realized that it couldn't be so late yet, because it was still dark outside.

At 7 a.m. I finally got up, but I feel like crap this morning and still feel tired and exhausted. Dh and I had planned a movie night for tonight. I wonder whether I can keep my eyes open.

I usually don't drink a lot. I am always the designated driver, because I don't mind not drinking. While we were TTC, I didn't want to reduce my chances by alcohol (I wonder why all those girls get pregnant while they get laid drunk). So I was avoiding alcohol where I could. but I guess it doesn't really matter right now. Those rotten ovaries of mine are not producing any good eggs anyways...

Sew: I had some testing done after my second miscarriage and the doctors didn't find any blood clotting disorder. It is probably an egg quality issue, but they aren't really sure. I wish there was something I could do to improve egg quality...

Nope

Hubby brought home a pregnancy test yesterday. As expected I am NOT pregnant. So now I am wondering: is it menopause already? First I get my period every 20 days and now it has said goodbye and isn't showing up at all... Weird. I wonder what is going on. I guess I will have to go and see a doctor one of those days.

I have spent way to much time on the computer recently. It is my only connection to the outside world right now. We still don't have our car here, therefore I feel sometimes a little isolated.

I am going for a coffee with a new friend I made here. Have all a great day!!!

Update on my dad

I haven't written about my dad's health for a while. He has been doing o.k. without any major health crisis. In October he had a metastasis in his pelvic area, but radiation took care of it.

Two weeks ago he was admitted back to the hospital after being really weak after a procedure in a doctor's office. The hospital found water in his lungs and bacteria in his blood which they suspected came from the port through which the Chemotherapy is administered. He had a surgery to take out the port and was sent home. The water in his lung was ignored. He was sent home last week.

Today my mom took him to the doctor for an ultrasound. It turns out the water was still there. A lot. The doctor send him to a specialist. The specialist sent him to another hospital. They drained 2,5 liters of water out of his lung. He seems to be doing alright. I can't believe that they ignored this issue at the other hospital...

AF MIA!

Here I am sitting a couple of days later and still no AF. I have now stopped taking the BCP because I don't want to risk anything. But I still don't believe that I could be pregnant. No symptoms except the constipation... I still couldn't do a test, but dh has ordered one in the US. I don't know how long it will take to arrive here so I have to wait and see.

I believe more in some kind of strange screw up in my body. A cyst, anything else. Everything else is more likely than that I would get pregnant again while on the pill. I don't even want to allow myself to think about that possibility. But it keeps on coming back on my mind. I will keep you posted.

Advice needed!

Yesterday on her 7 month birthday Lilli learned how to clap her hands together. I am very impressed. She is not able to make a noise yet, but she loves it and you can see how proud she is for her clapping skills. She has also mastered the skill of turning on her musical mobile in her crib all by herself. This morning suddenly I heard the music turned on by her. We have moved her crib today and she will sleep in her own room tonight for the very first time...

I had mentioned here before that my cycles have been so screwed up recently. I had those short cycles of 21 days and went on the BCP to get them back in sync. I wanted a smooth transition with the move and everything going on. I started on day one of my cycle a couple of months ago. But I still got my period way to early day 21-23 of the cycle. In December I stopped and started again 27 days ago after getting my period. I am now taking the placebo pills that are supposed to trigger the period. Nothing. A couple of times I felt like AF had arrived, but when I went to check: nothing. I am also constipated, but don't have any other signs that could indicate something. No tender breasts, no rumbling in the belly, no feeling sick...

I don't think I am pregnant. I mean I was pregnant before while taking the pill and I had my period while I was pregnant. But it would be really strange that after all our struggles I would have gotten pregnant so easily last month. I suspect more something along the lines of menopause...

The problem is that they don't have any pregnancy test here in the stores and I don't really want to bother with going to a doctor since it is probably just a mood of nature. But should I start with a new package of BCP if something could be? Can you recommend something?

I don't want to get my hopes up for something that is not worth it. There were so many times that I have taken negative pregnancy tests that I don't even want to bother with it this time. And still: while AF hasn't arrived there is hope. I hate that I still have this hope even though the pain when she eventually shows up is not as big as it used to be. Being a mom has made a huge difference. It is just sometimes sad to see my body do things it is supposed to do, but not being able to do the things I want it to do.

On a completely different note: Our aircondition unit in the US broke down. Of course these things always happen in the middle of winter. We will have to replace it for $6.300.

That will set us back a couple of months with our plan to add to our family again next year. I hate that we just can't pop them out one after the other like most of our friends. It is always a question of money for us and of judgement how we will add. Will we try more fertility treatments with all the ups and downs and the risks of it not working? Or will we straight go down the adoption road again? Those are questions and strategies we are currently discussing.

7 Months

I can't believe our baby is seven months old already. Where has the time gone. Lilli is amazing. She has such a wonderful personality and I feel we are truly blessed with the perfect baby.

This morning she woke up at 6:30 a.m. (after sleeping through the night), I gave her a bottle and she went right back to sleep until 8 a.m. Wonderful! We feel much more rested and relaxed today. And so does she.

We spent a beautiful morning with Lilli at the pool as today is a holiday (Carnaval) in Venezuela. Lilli really enjoyed playing in the warm water. She was all smiles and giggles. It was the first time that she has really shown any expression in the water. Before I always felt like she was scared a little. We are thinking about hiring someone to give her swimming lessons.

Yesterday Lilli started to crawl backwards a little. She didn't intend to do that, but she somehow ended up on the floor (and not on her playmat). I wonder whether she will really crawl or whether she will skip crawling in favor of walking. Since crawling is not a milestone I am not too concerned. Our house is not babyproofed yet as we are still waiting for our things, so I prefer she takes her time...

She now eats: rice cereal, oatmeal cereal, sweet potatoes, squash, zucchini, avocados, potatoes, and carrots. Last week she even had a mashed arepa with some of her formula. I am waiting on our food processor to be able to feed her also things like broccoli, brussels sprouts, meats, etc.

Have I told you that I have hired a maid? It is so wonderful to have someone here that helps to clean the house. She is very nice, two years younger than I and taught me how to make Arepas last week. We had lots of fun.

Yesterday we had a potluck lunch at our house. It was fantastic as we had wonderful food. The whole house was full of people with kids. But I really have to get used to having kids trash our place. There are now footprints and handprints on the walls, popsicles spilled on our couch, a ball on the roof,... Maybe it is just me, but I would be mortified if Lilli would have done any of the above at someone else's house. And the parents were more or less just shrugging it off. Do you have any bad experiences with friend's children behavior at your place? Or bad experiences with your own kids? How to deal with it?