Finally an end

So this weird cycle has finally come to an end. Yesterday AF came to visit. It was the first time for a very, very long time that I was kind of relieved to see her. As an infertile it is so hard to have her visit. You are always waiting on her being late and hope that she might not come at all for a couple of months. But then as soon as you have taken a pregnancy test, just an hour later she is ringing your door bell.

This was the weirdest cycle ever. I have now started again with my BCP. I walked this morning with Lilli and two friends about 3 miles. Afterwards I swam some laps in the pool (our maid was watching Lilli) with one of my friends here in the house. And now I feel like I want to go back to bed. Instead I will have to get some lunch ready for me and Lilli. She is just taking a nap as I am writing this.

Good news on my dad. He is back from the hospital and seems to be doing much better. He had 3 liters of fluids in his lung. I am so excited that we are going to visit my family in April for a couple of days... They will be so excited about everything Lilli is doing now.

I am so glad that we finally have our car. And now I have to confess something. We had bought an SUV (Nissan Pathfinder) for here. Our tank was empty on Saturday. We had it filled for 6,60 Bolivares Fuertes. That is about $1,25. Have I told you that Venezuela is one of the countries with the cheapest gas in the world?

Teething???

I believe Lilli is teething. This time for real - maybe. She has been a little cranky lately, her cheeks seem fuller and she is having some white spots in her gums where there will be teeth in the future - hopefully. She doesn't have a single teeth in her mouth yet, but has started to eat crackers and grissini. She loves both.

Today we were at a playdate and I gave her a cracker from a plate. After she ate it I found out that the cracker had honey in it. I felt like a horrible mother endangering my baby like this. I should have asked before I gave her the cracker.

Our car has arrived today. That will make our lives much easier as we won't have to always ask people to take us to places like in the past. But driving here is a completely different story. The rules are very different from driving in any other country. Traffic lights and stop signs are ignored and people that enter a circle have the priority. Traffic is horrible here. It takes a long time to get to other parts of the city. Yesterday I went with a friend to pick up a high chair for Lilli. It was sold by a woman with twins who was about to leave the country. It is made out of plastic, but easy to clean and turns into a chair and playtable once she is older. Until now we put her in her bouncer, but because she can sit, she tried to sit and look around, nearly topping over the bouncer. She has definitely outgrown it.

AF hasn't been visiting. I am on cycleday 42 today. I guess now I can make an appointment to see a doctor. There is a particular one that is specialized in Endo that I would like to see.

I haven't done any more tests, but I know that I am not pregnant. But sometimes I think like Mel in her post: If I only pee at the right moment I could be.

The infertile and the unwed teenage mother

We just got back from a truly rewarding experience. We visited a home for unwed teenage mothers. It is run by the church and there are 11 nuns taking care of about 45 girls from ages 10-17 who are mothers themselves. They have just born babies to young children (the oldest being about 5) there, the majority of the girls is really young and has really small babies. The youngest baby was just 12 days old and some girls were pregnant.

They receive some education at this place and have everything they need in the sense of clothing for the children, food, and toys. But what they are missing is love. Most of these girls come from abusive homes or have been raped by their fathers, uncles or stepfathers. The purpose of this home is to teach how to love their children and to educate them so that they can find a job once they have to leave the home with 18.

All the girls were so grateful and happy for our visit. That there was someone that was coming just to see them. There was particularly one girl I connected with. She was 15. We smiled at each other and just knew that we liked each other. Showed me the small room she lives in with her 9 month old baby. I learned from the lady we went with that this is a sign that they really connect with you. We took Lilli with us and through her it was so easy connecting with the girls. They all liked her and wanted to hold her.

There was I, the infertile 34 year old who for such a long time desperately wanted to become a mother building bridges through my adopted daughter with girls 20 years younger than me who were forced to become mothers way to young against their will. We were coming from completely different background and had so completely different stories and we were still able to connect. I am planning on taking my camera next time and take some pictures of the girls with their babies.

There was one baby: Carlitos, 10 months old. His mother had to be taken to a psychiatric hospital a couple of months ago. Carlitos is now being taken care of by the nuns and the other mothers. But you could tell that he was missing to have a mom to take care of him. The nuns have asked for a termination of parental rights (his mother nearly killed him) and there was an assessment. But it could take a couple of months until a decision is being taken. The mother (she is 14) might recover, but it is not known at this point whether she will be able to take care of him. The home would love for him to be adopted into a loving family, but it is a difficult process here.

One glass to many

Last night we went to a Happy Hour. Our regular babysitter had a party to go to, so we thought we were taking Lilli. But then one of our neighbors who has two girls herself volunteered to babysit. We gratefully took her up on that offer.

The Happy Hour was at the house of one of dh's colleagues. It was fantastic. Very nice people there. I had a great time and maybe one glass to many. I started with red wine and chatted away. Then I wanted to pour more red wine. I still had some left in my glass, but I just felt I needed some more. So I poured. Turned out I poured Chardonnay in my red wine. I hadn't looked at the label and made my own rose. After that I continued with Chardonnay. Very nice Chardonnay. Maybe a little too much.

When we got home, we picked up Lilli. Our neighbor was disappointed that she didn't stay the whole night. We hadn't really discussed this before and just assumed we were going to pick her up. Her girls (they are 4 and 5) were very disappointed this morning after waking up: "Where is the baby???"

Lilli woke up during the night. I think she had a nightmare or something because she was just crying inconsolable. I then gave her something to drink to soothe her. I hope that won't mean that she will wake up every night now for a little drink.

When I went back to bed, I lay awake for a long time. Wine does that to me. I don't sleep well after drinking too much. Then I dreamed that it was already 8 a.m. and I had overslept. We went to the market this morning and had planned on leaving around 7:30 a.m. Finally I realized that it couldn't be so late yet, because it was still dark outside.

At 7 a.m. I finally got up, but I feel like crap this morning and still feel tired and exhausted. Dh and I had planned a movie night for tonight. I wonder whether I can keep my eyes open.

I usually don't drink a lot. I am always the designated driver, because I don't mind not drinking. While we were TTC, I didn't want to reduce my chances by alcohol (I wonder why all those girls get pregnant while they get laid drunk). So I was avoiding alcohol where I could. but I guess it doesn't really matter right now. Those rotten ovaries of mine are not producing any good eggs anyways...

Sew: I had some testing done after my second miscarriage and the doctors didn't find any blood clotting disorder. It is probably an egg quality issue, but they aren't really sure. I wish there was something I could do to improve egg quality...

Nope

Hubby brought home a pregnancy test yesterday. As expected I am NOT pregnant. So now I am wondering: is it menopause already? First I get my period every 20 days and now it has said goodbye and isn't showing up at all... Weird. I wonder what is going on. I guess I will have to go and see a doctor one of those days.

I have spent way to much time on the computer recently. It is my only connection to the outside world right now. We still don't have our car here, therefore I feel sometimes a little isolated.

I am going for a coffee with a new friend I made here. Have all a great day!!!

Update on my dad

I haven't written about my dad's health for a while. He has been doing o.k. without any major health crisis. In October he had a metastasis in his pelvic area, but radiation took care of it.

Two weeks ago he was admitted back to the hospital after being really weak after a procedure in a doctor's office. The hospital found water in his lungs and bacteria in his blood which they suspected came from the port through which the Chemotherapy is administered. He had a surgery to take out the port and was sent home. The water in his lung was ignored. He was sent home last week.

Today my mom took him to the doctor for an ultrasound. It turns out the water was still there. A lot. The doctor send him to a specialist. The specialist sent him to another hospital. They drained 2,5 liters of water out of his lung. He seems to be doing alright. I can't believe that they ignored this issue at the other hospital...

AF MIA!

Here I am sitting a couple of days later and still no AF. I have now stopped taking the BCP because I don't want to risk anything. But I still don't believe that I could be pregnant. No symptoms except the constipation... I still couldn't do a test, but dh has ordered one in the US. I don't know how long it will take to arrive here so I have to wait and see.

I believe more in some kind of strange screw up in my body. A cyst, anything else. Everything else is more likely than that I would get pregnant again while on the pill. I don't even want to allow myself to think about that possibility. But it keeps on coming back on my mind. I will keep you posted.