And gone again...

Yesterday I had another doctor's appointment. In the morning I went in for bloodwork. I woke up around 6:00 a.m. and decided to go as early as possible to avoid traffic and long lines. Little did I know that when I left the house at 6:19 a.m. a lot of people were already on the road. Caracas is a nightmare for traffic. But I arrived at the hospital pretty early and found the lab right away. But what a surprise: when I got my number (you take numbers here for everything like at the meat counter), there were 31 patients in front of me already. I waited until my number was called upon for payment which was about 30 minutes after I had arrived. Then I waited about another hour when it was finally my turn. The bloodtest itself only took 3 minutes...

In the afternoon I had to return to the hospital again to see my doctor. The results were in and she was happy with them. This time she found only 5 eggs in my left ovary and the right one was gone again. I guess it's there somewhere, but because my uterus is tipped the ultrasound hurts like hell. I don't know why, but it had never hurt like that in the past. I wonder what my doctor in the U.S. did different.

The doctor told me that my lining looks different in color than normal. Instead of greyish it looks more like white which must be caused by the endometriosis. She also told me that we were doing ICSI this time to make sure we get the best results. I was surprised because it didn't seem like fertilization was ever an issue, but of course we'll do what's best for good results.

This morning I gave myself the first shot to keep ovaluation from happening. Dh and myself are having some issues to resolve and he was upset that I didn't tell him last night about the shot when he was awake. Our general problem is that he likes to stay up late, while I love to go to bed early. I am an early riser and it's hard to get him to wake up in the mornings. Which makes our like and interactions a lot more complicated than I would like them to be. I guess we both don't feel like we are getting heard. We'll talk about it tonight, I hope.

On a completely different note. Yesterday we talked to Lilli's birthmom (LBM) on the phone. She just had another baby and we are so excited that Lilli has a brother. It was a wonderful, great phone conversation that ended with Lilli singing "Twinkle, twinkle little star" and crowned by her saying "I love you!" to her birth mother. It was the first time we talked to LBM since the birth and a great opportunity to explain to her how much she has blessed us in our lives. We hope that she enjoyed it as much as we did.

Ovary found - now grow some great eggs, please!

On Thursday I had a bad day. A friend of mine told me about her pregnancy. It's the usual. Of course I am happy for her. But I thought: if this doesn't work out for us, then I'll see her growing belly and be constantly be reminded about our failure. I was a little sad about this. I also had my first acupuncture appointment. I told the doctor about this and she wanted to work with my emotions a lot. The doctor uses less needles than my previous acupuncturist and she concentrates them around my belly button. After the acupuncture treatment she used like a little torch/candle on my belly and on my spleen. I had never heard about that before. I don't know what she did, but I felt much better afterwards. I also went on Friday and yesterday. My next appointment is on Thursday. I continue to try to stay positive now.

On Friday I had my first check with the doctor after I started stimulations. I went there and she told me she was really concerned how I was reacting to the stims when she came in. Then she did the ultrasound and was very happy. It looks like I am responding very well to the stimulation. She found about 7-8 follicles on the left ovary, measuring around 9 mm and the right ovary made an rare appearance with 2-3 follicles. I really hope those little follicles continue to grow like this and we will get that many eggs. That would be wonderful. We are continuing on the same dosis and tomorrow morning I have to go in for bloodwork and then I have a doctor's appointment in the afternoon. We might do retrieval as early as next Friday! Retrieval scares me, because I don't like the IV that is connected with it...

I love, love, love my doctor. She is about my age and super competent and sweet!

Busted

Yesterday we did another round of shots. This time we feel so clumsy with them. The last three times seem easy compared to this time. The first night we splattered glass all around the kitchen while trying to open the vials. Yesterday when I went to pay for the medication, I asked at the doctor's office how to open them and they showed me an easier way to do it (but it can still break in your fingers).

Then last night after dh had taken the fluid from the third vial and mixed with the medication, the syringe didn't work and released the $50/shot fluid all over the kitchen counter.

Fortunately we have enough vials for the next two days (unless an accident like that happens again) and then on Friday I have to go see the doctor again. When he put in one of the shots, the syringe came back out, so he had to stick it in again. He claims that I moved, but of course that's not true.

But while we received this great training in the U.S. on how to administer the shots, we feel like idiots this time around. We should be pros, having been through this already three times before... I can definitely say that the equipment was easier to handle in the U.S.

Let's hope we become less clumsy and the equipment doesn't refuse to work in the future...

Looking for an ovary - apply within

AF arrived on Saturday night around midnight. I saw a doctor yesterday. Everything looked good, even though she couldn't find my left ovary either. But at least there were three follicles on my right ovary. Maybe the left will show up some time in the future...

Today we are starting stimulation. I have to take 3 vials of Menopur and 3 vials of Bravelle a day for 4 days and have to go back on Friday for another ultrasound. The vials with the fluid were really difficult to break. My friend who is visiting said, they usually come with a little knife, but I didn't see any. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to break them without splattering the glass all over? We never had these kind of issues in the past. Of course the introduction through a Spanish speaking nurse were not that great either...

I read in "The Infertility Cure" from Randine Lewis that L-Arginine can help poor responders to improve egg quantity and quality. That's one of the things the doctor prescribed me.

Waiting for the start and Blogoversary

Today is day 25 of my cycle and I know it won't take long for AF to arrive. The second day I have to go to the clinic and start stims. I also just scheduled three acupuncture treatments for next week.

My Mom is here and it's great to have her here. Unfortunately she doesn't like to just sit around. She feels unproductive which I can understand. But I'd love to take her out, but she refuses to leave the house. She is just not used to be on the go all the time like we are here. I am a little sad, because there are so many things that I wanted to show her. Instead we are just sitting in the house and I feel like she's here, but she isn't because we don't spend enough quality time together. It's a difficult story and not an easy relationship. I love my Mom, I wish she would understand my life more...

On an different note: it's been more than 5 years since we began this journey to create our family. It's been full of heartbreak from so many perspectives: miscarriages, my dad's cancer. But there was light at the end of the tunnel. The light is now already 26 months old and her name is Lillian. She is the love of our lives...

I just realized that today is my three year blogoversary. I have been such a bad blogger since Lilli was born. But I can't believe it's been three years since we started the adoption process... Happy Blogoversary to me!

Let the games begin...

Not that anyone is still reading this blog as I have been such a bad blogger. But I still wanted to give a little updated on project S (sibling). We have moved ahead with tests and treatments.

The doctor that works on immunology issues has me taking
- Vitamin C (500, 2 daily)
- L-Arginine (1000, 2 daily)
- Folic Acid (one daily in the mornings)
- Aspirine 81 mg (evenings)
- Q10 (1 daily)
- DHEA (Fishoil, two daily)

In addition today, I started taking Prednisone (2 daily) which might be able to help with implantation.

She also advised me to go to the gym 3-5 times a week and do cardio exercise for 45 minutes. I hate working out and literally have to drag myself there, but I have been doing it for about 6 weeks.

I also met her to talk about food. She recommend no carbs in the evenings which is really hard for a carb girl like me. I am trying to stick to the meat and salad or vegetarian option, but it's hard. I love my pasta, I love my bread... I can have 1/2 cup of carbs for lunch. Two snacks are also important, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. And a healthy breakfast of course. I am trying to avoid sugar (hard!), but am cheating a little here and there.

We are starting at the next cycle. Since I am a slow responder, I don't have to do any down-regulation and my doctor will start stimulation on day two of my period. I am very excited and hope that the fourth time is our lucky charm. I feel like this time I am not such a nut-case like in the past. But because we are so blessed to have Lilli, at the end of the day, I know it's not the end of the world if it won't work. I might be the end of trying with my own eggs (and us needing to save up again until we can afford another cycle). But we can try again. I hope that this attitude will last in case I'll receive another BFN. It's in God's hand and I must trust him with this one. I am doing everything I can to make this try succeed, but he's the one who is in charge.

13.6

I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise to me that my FSH level is at 13.6. I probably should be thankful that it isn't higher. We don't know what this will mean for the future. I have to say that right now I am leaning towards trying donor eggs. Why bother to use my own eggs, if the result is most likely to be negative? If we try with my eggs first and have another negative, I don't know whether I can go through all of this again. We don't really have the funds to fund another round of multiple IVFs. We are still paying back for our adoption. It is just so frustrating that creating our family has become such a question of money. At least we hopefully will be able to use the adoption tax credit (which is refundable for the first time this year) to pay back some of our debt.

Of course, it would be nice to have a genetic relation to at least one of our children (my hubby still could have that), but it doesn't seem to make a difference in Lilli's case. I love her and she is my daughter. People always recognize that I didn't give birth to her and we knew that this would happen.

But you won't believe what kind of comments people here make all the time: "Is this your child?" Me: "Yes, this is my daughter!" "But how is this possible?" or my favorite "Why is she so dark and you so white?" I recently actually used the "Why do you want to know?" answer when a national guard woman at the airport asked me that question. Her response: "Because she is so beautiful!" didn't really make it better... Well, I guess, nobody ever sees an ugly white woman with a beautiful black child around here...

Or the triangle look how I call it. When we walk with Lilli and she is sitting in her stroller, people are looking at her, then at the person pushing the stroller (usually me or hubby), then at the person walking next to them. Next thing you see: the question marks in their eyes. Priceless!