Happy Adoption day!

Two years ago today, we became a forever family. Time to hug and kiss my little princess a little more. She has been the best present we have ever received in our lives. She has given me the chance to be a mother and I am forever grateful to her and her birthmother. L. is so sweet. She is very loving and caring and loves to entertain everybody by singing. She is such a big girl now, already 2,5 years old. This week she went to the daycare without diapers for the first time. The first day she didn't have any accidents, but she didn't go to the potty either. The second day, she peed - on the floor, twice. We'll see how today goes. She has started ballet classes this week. She really seems to like it and comes out happily smiling.

At the last doctor's visit determined that my eggs are old and crappy quality. So we are moving on to donor eggs next. I have another appointment with the immunologist next month and then we are ready to go.

I have to take it slow today. Doctor Google has landed me in the emergency room yesterday. I wrote before here that my cycles are so short and I was trying to find a natural remedy to regulate them. I purchased Dong Quai and took it for a couple of days. It caused a bad amount of nose bleeding that didn't seem to want to stop any more. So I had to go to the emergency room yesterday. Fortunately, today it has only bled once so far. Learning experience for this episode: Don't use Dr. Google to self-medicate!

BFN

That was to expect after all the drama with this cycle. At least it's a clear result.

It's strange, but now I am nearly relieved it's over. I don't think I would have wanted another miscarriage or another maybe pregnancy. My body has killed another 3 embryos. That makes 12 or 13 now, depending how you count... I feel sad, but since I was prepared for this, I am more or less o.k.

Time for some Booze and hair-dying and chocolate and carbs and all the other stuff I have been depriving myself off for the last couple of months.

Did I tell you that my pregnant friend wanted to take me out for dinner tonight? I am sorry, but I don't think I can do this. I am still sick and if I would go out, I wanted Sushi and Booze.

Sick as a dog

I am sick as a dog. Lilli has passed me her cold which has turned into sinusitis for me. I went in for an other bloodtest yesterday. I was supposed to go today, but I wanted to see what was happening.

Estradiol: 171,85 (up from last blood test)
Progesterone: 6,39 (down from 12,something)

The end is near. My lining is starting to shed... I am sure it's over.

I really didn't wan to be back at this place!

This morning I received yesterday's blood results for progesterone and estradiol. They both completely feel from Saturday. Now I am completely freaked out. I really didn't want to visit this place again where I am obsessing about everything. Dr. Google hasn't been very helpful either. I was trying to be all Zen about this cycle, knowing that we would be o.k. in the end. Now I feel like the end is here already...
While dh tells me to focus on this cycle, I am already in my head thinking about the next. What if we use donor eggs? Will that make a difference. It is so hard to realize that my body might just not be made for having babies. Makes me feel like a complete failure - again. I really didn't want to be back in this place...

1 more week

I contacted the doctor yesterday. She asked me how I was feeling. I told her I didn't feel anything. She said that this was normal and to not worry. I am trying not to. Sometimes I think of a plan B. What if this doesn't work? With our history, there is quite a likely chance it won't work. Implantation is not something that can be controlled. Should we try again with donor eggs? Save the money for another adoption?

Courtesy to L. I am also dealing with a cold - runny nose and cough and all...

I definitely am at a better place than I was nearly 4 years ago when we tried for the first time. I am not as obsessed with every twinge and every pain. One more week and we will know. And no matter what the result will be. We will be o.k. We have a beautiful baby in our house right now.

Day 6 - 9 days to go!

The ball was great. But it was hard because I felt I needed to explain myself all the time why I wasn't drinking. Everybody around me got trashed. I was sipping my water all night...

Symptoms so far: none. Sore breasts from the drugs. Nothing more. This is the least movement I ever had in my belly. It seems like nothing is going on down there. I am of course convinced that it didn't work at all. On Friday I felt a little queasy and I was a little excited because I hope maybe that this was the beginning of a lot more queasiness. Nope.

Yesterday I had to get my bloodwork done. I went early in the morning to avoid having to wait too long. I arrived at the hospital at 6:39 a.m. (the lab doesn't open until 7:00 a.m.) and took my number. There were already 8 people in front of me. I still had to wait about an hour until I was done...

I really hate it that it seems I always have to remind the nurse to either put on gloves before drawing my blood or to change their gloves. This is such a standard in the U.S., but here people just seem completely careless. One nurse recently told me: "Don't worry, I have kids!". I didn't know what she wanted to express with that, but I guess she wanted to say that she was being careful. Especially if you have kids, you should put on gloves, dear lady!

After the blood draw I asked the cashier at what time the results would be ready and whether they could send them via email (which they have done in the past). He said to call after one. Of course I called after one to hear that they couldn't email them because it was a week-end and their system doesn't seem to work on week-ends. I then asked them to tell me the results. Well, guess what? There is a law preventing them to do it. They were willing to fax them to me, but we don't have a fax number here. I couldn't really go back to pick them up either because I had to get ready for the ball. In the end I asked them to send them to the Dr.'s office. But I am pretty sure that they didn't do that. So tomorrow my doctor will see two day old progesterone and estradiol results... Why does everything have to be so complicated here?

Day 3 - 12 more days to go...

I went in for an acupuncture session today. She didn't put a lot of needles in. It still felt relaxing. Except someone thought it was o.k. to bring their screaming child to the Spa I went to and the child pretty much screamed the whole time. I was upset about it, then I felt bad for thinking that way. I just think it's not appropriate to bring your child to a place where people come for tranquility and relaxation.

I had two coloring sessions already. I think they help to calm down. Whether they help with implantation, I won't know until November 16th.

We are supposed to go to a ball on Saturday. I feel horrible about the thought of having to explain to people that I won't be able to drink. I don't really feel like going, but it's kind of a work thing...

Lilli is doing my hair as I am typing (one of her newest passions - I call it revenge), so I should probably get going and spend some time with her... Will keep you updated.