God's will

Check out this article.. It is written very nicely. But look at the comments. The paper has deleted one comment from McNasty already. I remember it said something along the lines that it probably is God's will that those people are infertile and they shouldn't even try to get pregnant.

I am struggling very much if I read something like that. Should we just leave everything to God? Infertility is a disease. When we have any other disease we go see a doctor to cure it, if it is possible. How is it God's will, when mothers or fathers kill their children? Is it God's will that drug-addicted mothers never seem to have any infertility issues? How dare these people that wrote this nasty comment tell other people how they should live their life? They have never experienced infertility and the pain that comes with it. How can they judge other people for the ways they choose to build their families?

I am personally offended and struggling especially because I am wondering if it is God's will that we won't have children. How could he put such a strong longing and desire to be a mommy in my heart if he wants me to live child-free?

It would be great if you all could leave a comment on the newspapers page to show that there is a huge support out there for a family's decision to pursue fertility treatments.

On black and white...

We were presented again to another birth mother. Together with 14 other adoptive families. 14? Yes, that many. We didn't really think we had a chance there. The baby had been born on June 22. It was white. While for a black baby you have probably between 3 and 4 adoptive families, for white babies the ratio is 1 to 15.

I don't critic anybody that has decided to adopt a baby that has the same color as the adoptive parents. I am sure it will make life a little easier as the color is not a factor that sticks out so much that people will ask you about it. They might just assume this is your biological child. It is a decision that every family has to take by themselves.

Our family will very likely have many different colors. I am white, my husband is half Asian, our child will were likely be at least partially black. But we would welcome a baby of any color into our family. But I am sure that it will raise additional questions and it will require additional empowerment for our child. We have to give him/her the tools to respond to intrusive questions in a way that will protect him or her. But there are things I won't be able to explain to the child. I don't know what it means to be black. Therefore we will need role models of the same color in our child's life.

We were presented to that particular situation, but the mother decided to parent the little boy.

A couple of weeks ago we went to a BBQ. We met an adoptive family there with two beautiful girls. The parents were white, one girl was black and the other girl was asian. Immediately when I saw them, I just assumed that they were an adoptive family and I really wanted to talk to them. The mother was very friendly. She told me that she had lost two babies during the pregnancy and that is when they decided to move on to adoption. They were matched with a little boy and had him for a couple of days. Then the birthmother decided to parent and they had to give him back. But a day later they were matched with their daughter. When their daughter asked them why she was black and her mother white, her mother told her that she couldn't grow babies in her tummy. That is why they had asked the birthmother whether they could raise the baby that she couldn't take care of. And as a present to the baby, the birthmother has given her this beautiful color. The daughter seemed happy with that explanation...

Jealous instead of joyous

Our friends just had two wonderful perfect baby twins in addition to their adorable two year old. I congratulated them, but I found it so hard to be joyous, because deep inside I was just jealous. Of course I don't want them to see this bitter side of me which I don't like at all.

I am jealous that they can have so easily what seems so difficult, far, and unreachable for us right now. And then double the luck!

I don't even know how it is possible that people conceive naturally. Well in theory I know, but it seems to be such a difficult thing to happen. Everything has to be perfect with the timing. The right sperm has to find the right egg. It seems like such a big miracle and wonder to me how it actually happens to people. In the infertility community natural conception seems like such a rare thing to happen. We take drugs, time intercourse, have tubes inserted in us, have surgeries to have our eggs taken out and put back in after they were united in a petri dish with the sperm.

I sometimes catch myself looking at pregnant women (they are all over the place these days) and wondering how they got so lucky to conceive without going through all this struggle. I am personally surprised that humankind has survived so far.

The agency presented us to another birthmother last week. The baby is already born and she was trying to make a decision. She was looking at 15 profiles, so I didn't really think our chances were very high. But this week we found out that they have not been able to contact her any more...

And as we are counting down the days until our departure date in September, I am very concerned that this adoption will happen before we leave. I am terrified we will never be parents. That fear is leaving me very restless recently.

A fellow blogger, Karen, had the worst thing for an adoptive family happen to her. The birthparents decided to keep the baby after they already had the baby for a couple of days. I can't imagine how much she must be hurting. I am really glad that it happened to us before the baby was born. At least we hadn't met him yet, Even if we had started to love him the day we had learned about his existence.

Adoption as a pregnancy enhancement?

Remember how when you first started telling people that you adopt? Remember all those stories of all those people they knew that that once they had adopted got pregnant on their own. Remember how it sounded like the children you would adopt were only second best choice? Remember how you told those people that this was not the reason why you decided to adopt? Remember that you read somewhere that it only happens for 5% of all people that have adopted? Remember how often you heard that story? Can it only be 5%?

Well, it does happen indeed. Dave and his wife are pregnant. Congratulations!!! It is amazing!

Dave is actually not the only one it happened to. There is a really nice couple I know that have adopted because they had tried for four years to have a baby. The woman was already 42(!) when she got pregnant.

So my question is: what is wrong, what is right? Only 5% or does it happen all the time? Or do the people it happens to just talk about it a lot while people it doesn't happen to just don't talk about it. Or does caring for a newborn change the composition of the hormones in you body which leads to greater probability of becoming pregnant? I don't know. But I know that nobody I know adopts as a pregnancy enhancement. We adopt because we want kids...

What a difference a couple of years make

Today is our 3 year church wedding anniversary. I can't believe it has been that long. Three years ago I was full of joy, hope, and expectations of becoming a mother soon. I had my whole life been on the sunny side, why should that change any time. I always viewed the glass as half full, not half empty. It could be only a matter of months until we would hold our baby in our arms, right? Little did we know.

36 months later. 40 periods ended every hope I was harbouring about being pregnant. Every single months another disappointment. The last three years have been so hard. We had a stroke (my dad), endometriosis, 2 surgeries, 3 IVFs, 1 IUI, 2 miscarriages, breast cancer (my MIL), lung cancer (my dad) and two failed adoptions, even if my hubby might dispute latter.

In all this time I had my best friend on my side. He has cared for me like a nurse when I had my medical procedures. He always has to listen to all my crap. He supported me through the whole time and was just the best husband anyone could ever imagine. He has suffered, but he has never, not even once doubted our love. And even when I feel like the worst wife, like a failure as a woman, he has been there. I had never dreamed of finding anyone like him. I couldn't have picked a better husband.

Happy Anniversary, Honey!!! Now it is time for the good times to start. We had enough bad things happen. Hopefully next year we will be able to celebrate with our daughter/son in CCS as a family. And celebrate we will!

Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of my last pregnancy. One year ago I was hoping for a positive test. I prayed and hoped. I didn't think the HCG level would be only 9 and that I would loose it before it even had time to implant properly...

While I write this, I had a hard time, remembering the right name. Was it HCG, FSH, HSG? There are so many abbreviations with fertility treatments. A year ago, I didn't even have to think about it. I knew them all. This year I can barely remember what the pregnancy hormone's name is... What a difference a year makes.

Last year after the miscarriage we decided to pursue adoption. Here are, nearly a year later. Still no baby, but at least we are moving in the right direction. We have a completed home study and we are waiting for it to happen. And it will. The question is not if, but when.

But I know one thing for sure. Infertility has changed me. Infertility has robbed me of my innocence. My focus and my outlook on life have shifted. What a difference a couple of years make.

Better

Thank you for your comments, your prayers, and good thoughts. My brother called around 5 a.m. this morning. My Dad is doing much better today. It sounds like the fever went down and he is out of the woods for now.I even got to talk to him. He sounded a little tired and couldn't understand me well, but that might have been just a bad connection. I at least got to tell him how much I love him and that we were all very worried about him.

I have decided not to fly there right now. He will have more health crisis in the future as the cancer is getting worse and I won't be able to be there all the time. But I am very grateful and thankful today.

LJ, we are still on for coffee. I am looking forward to seeing you.

NOOOOOO!!!

I just talked to my family. My dad has an infection in his lung. The doctor said we have to consider the worst. I am considering to fly there asap. I can't take it any more!!!