Check out this article.. It is written very nicely. But look at the comments. The paper has deleted one comment from McNasty already. I remember it said something along the lines that it probably is God's will that those people are infertile and they shouldn't even try to get pregnant.
I am struggling very much if I read something like that. Should we just leave everything to God? Infertility is a disease. When we have any other disease we go see a doctor to cure it, if it is possible. How is it God's will, when mothers or fathers kill their children? Is it God's will that drug-addicted mothers never seem to have any infertility issues? How dare these people that wrote this nasty comment tell other people how they should live their life? They have never experienced infertility and the pain that comes with it. How can they judge other people for the ways they choose to build their families?
I am personally offended and struggling especially because I am wondering if it is God's will that we won't have children. How could he put such a strong longing and desire to be a mommy in my heart if he wants me to live child-free?
It would be great if you all could leave a comment on the newspapers page to show that there is a huge support out there for a family's decision to pursue fertility treatments.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
On hope and expectations
I have thought about this post for a couple of days now and I finally have the time to sit down and write it. I recently learned a new word in Spanish: ESPERAR. In English it means: to HOPE and to EXPECT. The little unfertile soul of mine thought about the meaning of those words for the infertile community.
We, like 100% of all couples out there EXPECTED when we went off birth control we would EXPECT a baby in a couple of weeks or months. And while 90% of all couples will EXPECT a baby in a year, we kept on waiting. We are part of the remaining 10% that continue HOPING. Once we moved on to fertility treatments, we EXPECTED that those would work for us. And as most couples climb the ladder of fertility treatments up rung by rung from Clomid over IUIs to IVFs they continue to HOPE that one of those will help them to create the family they have been longing for. The longer they are in treatment the less they EXPECT that something will work for them. But they don't give up HOPE.
We had directly moved on to the strongest treatment out there: IVF. And I really EXPECTED it to work for us. I didn't EXPECT it to work the first time, but lots of our friends did it twice and it worked the second time. That what I EXPECTED for us. I didn't EXPECT to get pregnant on my own and have a miscarriage shortly afterwards. But sadly the miscarriage also gave me some HOPE. We have several friends that had a miscarriage and went on to have successful pregnancies afterwards. So I HOPED to become pregnant again and I EXPECTED a successful pregnancy the second time around. When I got pregnant again I HOPED that the HCG value would go up. I didn't EXPECT it to work, but I didn't want to give up HOPE.
When we moved on to adoption I didn't EXPECT that we would have a baby soon. But I HOPED. I am still HOPING... But I don't EXPECT it.
What I want to point out with this post is just that for a lot of people out there to HOPE and to EXPECT is not the same thing even if it can mean the same word in another language.
Very often you start with EXPECTations about your life and how it is going to be. If not everything goes as planned the only thing you have left is HOPE and faith that God knows what he is doing.
We, like 100% of all couples out there EXPECTED when we went off birth control we would EXPECT a baby in a couple of weeks or months. And while 90% of all couples will EXPECT a baby in a year, we kept on waiting. We are part of the remaining 10% that continue HOPING. Once we moved on to fertility treatments, we EXPECTED that those would work for us. And as most couples climb the ladder of fertility treatments up rung by rung from Clomid over IUIs to IVFs they continue to HOPE that one of those will help them to create the family they have been longing for. The longer they are in treatment the less they EXPECT that something will work for them. But they don't give up HOPE.
We had directly moved on to the strongest treatment out there: IVF. And I really EXPECTED it to work for us. I didn't EXPECT it to work the first time, but lots of our friends did it twice and it worked the second time. That what I EXPECTED for us. I didn't EXPECT to get pregnant on my own and have a miscarriage shortly afterwards. But sadly the miscarriage also gave me some HOPE. We have several friends that had a miscarriage and went on to have successful pregnancies afterwards. So I HOPED to become pregnant again and I EXPECTED a successful pregnancy the second time around. When I got pregnant again I HOPED that the HCG value would go up. I didn't EXPECT it to work, but I didn't want to give up HOPE.
When we moved on to adoption I didn't EXPECT that we would have a baby soon. But I HOPED. I am still HOPING... But I don't EXPECT it.
What I want to point out with this post is just that for a lot of people out there to HOPE and to EXPECT is not the same thing even if it can mean the same word in another language.
Very often you start with EXPECTations about your life and how it is going to be. If not everything goes as planned the only thing you have left is HOPE and faith that God knows what he is doing.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Graduation day
I just moved two fellow bloggers up on the "Left infertile Island" column on my blog. Both of them are pregnant and have graduated from infertile Island.
The island is getting bigger for the few of us who are still there. But we probably have new arrivals soon. Other woman that are going through the same pain as we are. It doesn't matter how we end up at the island. There is a solidarity between us. We are like sisters. Feeling with each other, understanding the pain.
We spent the weekend in Philadelphia. I meet my wonderful friend M. She and her husband are going through the same like my husband and I when we first started all the tests. When we were first wondering why we didn't conceive like all of our friends around us.
I pray and hope that M and her hubby don't have to go through all the pain that we already went through.
I look forward to the day when the island will be empty because all of us have overcome infertility. Some of us might eventually conceive naturally, others might have to use Clomid, IUI, or the heavy weapons like IVF. For others like me, adoption is the only chance to leave the island. It doesn't matter how we leave the island or how we overcome infertility. It is important that we leave and that we overcome infertility. And we will!!!
Thank you for all your support, sisters! And congratulations to those who graduated.
The island is getting bigger for the few of us who are still there. But we probably have new arrivals soon. Other woman that are going through the same pain as we are. It doesn't matter how we end up at the island. There is a solidarity between us. We are like sisters. Feeling with each other, understanding the pain.
We spent the weekend in Philadelphia. I meet my wonderful friend M. She and her husband are going through the same like my husband and I when we first started all the tests. When we were first wondering why we didn't conceive like all of our friends around us.
I pray and hope that M and her hubby don't have to go through all the pain that we already went through.
I look forward to the day when the island will be empty because all of us have overcome infertility. Some of us might eventually conceive naturally, others might have to use Clomid, IUI, or the heavy weapons like IVF. For others like me, adoption is the only chance to leave the island. It doesn't matter how we leave the island or how we overcome infertility. It is important that we leave and that we overcome infertility. And we will!!!
Thank you for all your support, sisters! And congratulations to those who graduated.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
On infertility
400 (!) That is first the beta number my colleague had with her third IVF try. The second was more than 2000. I just found out. I bet that there is more in there than just one. I am glad for her and sad for me. It was her last try, she wouldn't have been able to afford more. But working with a pregnant woman is going to suck. It will remind me every day of my own infertility. I am reminded about that anyway every day. And it will hurt every day.
Sometimes I think that infertility dominates my life. I think about it all day. Every day. It has taken away so much from me. So many joyous moments of my life that I never get to experience because of it. Being able to conceive on our own. To get pregnant while not even really trying to have a baby. Showing my husband a positive pregnancy test and feeling safe and secure that there will end up a real life baby from it. Seeing the first ultrasound. Praying to the porcelain Gods. Feeling it grow inside me. Buying maternity clothes and being able to wear them. Giving birth. Having a biological child. Breastfeeding naturally. Finding myself and my husband in our baby. There is so much that I'll never get to experience.
Instead infertility has given me jealousy, grief, unhappiness, physical and emotional pain, and a huge pessimist perspective on life. Who have I become? What if God used infertility to draw me closer to him? I thought about that today when I was driving to work. What if I thought about God when all the painful thoughts come to my head? What if I focus on him? Will that work? Will he help me to overcome this?
Sometimes I think that infertility dominates my life. I think about it all day. Every day. It has taken away so much from me. So many joyous moments of my life that I never get to experience because of it. Being able to conceive on our own. To get pregnant while not even really trying to have a baby. Showing my husband a positive pregnancy test and feeling safe and secure that there will end up a real life baby from it. Seeing the first ultrasound. Praying to the porcelain Gods. Feeling it grow inside me. Buying maternity clothes and being able to wear them. Giving birth. Having a biological child. Breastfeeding naturally. Finding myself and my husband in our baby. There is so much that I'll never get to experience.
Instead infertility has given me jealousy, grief, unhappiness, physical and emotional pain, and a huge pessimist perspective on life. Who have I become? What if God used infertility to draw me closer to him? I thought about that today when I was driving to work. What if I thought about God when all the painful thoughts come to my head? What if I focus on him? Will that work? Will he help me to overcome this?
Monday, April 21, 2008
More twins...
AF decided to come for a visit this weekend. Right on time on Friday... All hopes have gone - once again. I wish I would stop hoping. It is just so painful to have your hopes crushed every month.
On Friday we had planned to go out for dinner with two neighbor couples. I had met one of the girls in the morning and she had said that they would be coming. Around 6:30 p.m. she rang our door bell to tell me that they had to bail on us. They had planned to tell us their great news that night. She is twelve weeks pregnant. With twins (!). Naturally conceived. She said they run in their family (but had skipped four generations!).
I feel so bad that I can't be happy for her. This is one of the mean things that infertility does to you. Instead of being happy for your friends when they are pregnant you are jealous and question why it is them and not you. If it was just one, it would probably have been easier. But two (!). Why can't we both be pregnant with one baby? She is the third of our friends that is having twins. And we can't even have one biological child. I wonder whether that pain will ever go away? Will it be better with time? Will it be better once we have an adopted child?
Last Saturday we did the CPR class that was one part of the requirements from our adoption agency. Another thing to cross from our list... We took CPR for adults/children and infants and first aid as well.
Today I sent back the form where it breaks down the cost for this adoption. We now have to find the money somewhere. Unfortunately we didn't qualify for the adoption credit we had applied for. I didn't think it would be that difficult...
While other people conceive their babies in bed, we have to pay thousands of dollars for outsourcing reproduction. First for all the unsuccessful fertility treatments and then for the adoption... I wish I could win the lottery. Having more money would help - a lot.
On Friday we had planned to go out for dinner with two neighbor couples. I had met one of the girls in the morning and she had said that they would be coming. Around 6:30 p.m. she rang our door bell to tell me that they had to bail on us. They had planned to tell us their great news that night. She is twelve weeks pregnant. With twins (!). Naturally conceived. She said they run in their family (but had skipped four generations!).
I feel so bad that I can't be happy for her. This is one of the mean things that infertility does to you. Instead of being happy for your friends when they are pregnant you are jealous and question why it is them and not you. If it was just one, it would probably have been easier. But two (!). Why can't we both be pregnant with one baby? She is the third of our friends that is having twins. And we can't even have one biological child. I wonder whether that pain will ever go away? Will it be better with time? Will it be better once we have an adopted child?
Last Saturday we did the CPR class that was one part of the requirements from our adoption agency. Another thing to cross from our list... We took CPR for adults/children and infants and first aid as well.
Today I sent back the form where it breaks down the cost for this adoption. We now have to find the money somewhere. Unfortunately we didn't qualify for the adoption credit we had applied for. I didn't think it would be that difficult...
While other people conceive their babies in bed, we have to pay thousands of dollars for outsourcing reproduction. First for all the unsuccessful fertility treatments and then for the adoption... I wish I could win the lottery. Having more money would help - a lot.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Pregnant ladies in the room
Last week-end we were invited to a party at the house of some friends. I had really feared that get-together as I knew that at least some of the women there were either pregnant or just had had their baby. I thought about not going. My infertile, insecure self said "What is the point of going? People are going to ask questions. They will bring their new babies, children and their huge pregnancy bellies and you will be hurting." But the other self said: "It would look strange, if you wouldn't be there. They might assume you have marriage problems. You have to support your hubby. You have to go". So off we went.
We were one of the first couples to arrive. Next came our friends with their newborn. He was adorable. And everything was fine. I just felt a little awkward being the only one without children.
Next comes the pregnant with twins friend with their adorable two year old. I must have had an expression of pain on my face. Tears started rolling down my cheeks, but I tried to drown them with some white wine. At least one advantage of not being pregnant. You can drink! It worked for a while.
Next comes the next pregnant lady with their adorable three year old. I felt worse, sitting on the couch, downing the white wine next to the newborn's mom. He is her fourth child. First child with IUI, second and third IVF twins and then a surprise without any fertility treatment. She knows of our struggles. She is feeding her baby and asks "So, how is the baby thing going?" That put me over the edge. Tears start running down my face. I have a meltdown. I excuse myself and want to run to the bathroom. Can't find bathroom because I don't know the house. I run outside. Crying. She comes behind. She tells me she can so relate to me. I cry. She tells me that she is so sorry about bringing it up. She tells me she saw my pain when the pregnant ladies entered the room. I tell her about adoption and I tell her how much I hate myself sometimes for not being able to be happy for others. I tell her why I haven't been in touch since the birth. She is very understanding.
We go back inside. Fortunately, no one else has seen my pain and no one else seems to have noticed my meltdown. I spent the rest of the night reading and singing with two children. And I was doing alright. But please don't ask me how the baby thing is going.
We were one of the first couples to arrive. Next came our friends with their newborn. He was adorable. And everything was fine. I just felt a little awkward being the only one without children.
Next comes the pregnant with twins friend with their adorable two year old. I must have had an expression of pain on my face. Tears started rolling down my cheeks, but I tried to drown them with some white wine. At least one advantage of not being pregnant. You can drink! It worked for a while.
Next comes the next pregnant lady with their adorable three year old. I felt worse, sitting on the couch, downing the white wine next to the newborn's mom. He is her fourth child. First child with IUI, second and third IVF twins and then a surprise without any fertility treatment. She knows of our struggles. She is feeding her baby and asks "So, how is the baby thing going?" That put me over the edge. Tears start running down my face. I have a meltdown. I excuse myself and want to run to the bathroom. Can't find bathroom because I don't know the house. I run outside. Crying. She comes behind. She tells me she can so relate to me. I cry. She tells me that she is so sorry about bringing it up. She tells me she saw my pain when the pregnant ladies entered the room. I tell her about adoption and I tell her how much I hate myself sometimes for not being able to be happy for others. I tell her why I haven't been in touch since the birth. She is very understanding.
We go back inside. Fortunately, no one else has seen my pain and no one else seems to have noticed my meltdown. I spent the rest of the night reading and singing with two children. And I was doing alright. But please don't ask me how the baby thing is going.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
The leftover 10 percent and other ramblings
I had a node on my thyroid ten years ago and they removed 90% of my thyroid. It doesn't conflict with my life. I take a daily dose of Levothyroxine haven't had any problems any more. But I need to have it checked out regularly. And I have been bad with checkups since moving to the US.
In Europe I had my whole support system and infrastructure of doctors, hairdressers, nail places, dry cleaners, etc. set up. But it takes a long time to build such a support infrastructure in a new place. It is not easy to do this in a new country with a whole new system of health insurance in addition. So I avoided to go to any doctor. Of course only until I met my RE. I never avoided going there. I think I spent more time with my RE in the last two years than with my family.
In July of last year I finally went to see a doctor to have my thyroid checked out. I even had to schedule an extra ultrasound because they couldn't do it on the same day. After the ultrasound I called the doctor's office a couple of days later for the results. The woman said the doctor was gonna call me back soon. I didn't hear from them after that and assumed everything was fine. To make a long story short. Yesterday (!) after six months I receive this call from the doctor. I guess she must have had a long list of calls before ours that it took her six months to call me back. She told me that I should have called her for the results. I told her that I had called and never heard from her. It looks like I have another node on my thyroid. How can this poor 10% leftover thyroid produce another node? I don't understand how this is even possible. So I need to go in again to have it checked out again. If this little sucker is not being nice, we might have to cut out the leftover as well. Who needs a thyroid anyway?
I recently stumbled upon this and wanted to share it with you. I hope that they will be really quick in pushing this forward. If the success rates are as high as IVF it would be a fantastic alternative for couples dealing with infertility.
I am starting to get frustrated with the social worker before I have even met her. She still hasn't called us yet. I mean, it has been a week from the time that I dropped off the check in my lunch break. A whole week. It might not be a lot of time in her world, but in my little infertile, scared mind, it is a freaking long time. I wanted to have my first meeting with her last weekend. And now 7 days or 168 hours or 10080 minutes or 604800 seconds later I am still sitting here, staring at my cell phone and waiting for her call. On some of the blogs I read it sounds like they meet the social worker before they even do the paperwork and work parallel on the paperwork as they are proceeding with the home study and the interviews.
At least I received the information on the "Dear Birth Parents" letter and the Scrapbook. What do you write to people you have never met who might be able to give you the greatest gift of your lifetime?
The Vancouver Sun is publishing a series of articles on a couple doing IVF. I wish there would be more articles about it and more TV coverage on it so that people would be more educated about it...
We are pretty open about it and our friends know of our infertility. Most of our friends have been super supportive and I don't know what I would have done without them. But we also know people who are suffering alone. It pains me that they are trying to go through all the pain and heartbreak by themselves without sharing their tears with their friends. I don't even remember how often I have cried in front of a friend because of all this pain.
The support from this online community and my fellow bloggers has been incredible as well. Many of them have become friends in real life and I am so blessed to live in the D.C. area. The DC Stirrup Queens are a great group and I can't wait to read their news on their blogs. We laugh and cry together and we celebrate everyone of us that is getting ready to say goodbye to infertile island.
Why are some people so open about it and others want to bury their infertility deep inside for no one to see? We all need support in one way or another and it is so good to know that we are not alone in our pain. Sometimes it even helps to put my own pain in perspective. When I read about Shannon who has just lost her precious little twins Lennox and Zoe, I am at a loss of words. How can I complain and bitch about everything if I read about their struggles? How can I care whether the social worker calls today, tomorrow, or next week? I am so blessed with so many things in my life. I have a wonderful supportive husband. I don't have serious health issues. I have a job and a house. Life is not so bad after all. I only need to change my attitude and fill the glass half. And look at it that way. The glass is half full, not half empty!
I really hope that maybe one day I will be able to help someone with the pain and experiences we have been trough. Then at least it would not have been useless.
In Europe I had my whole support system and infrastructure of doctors, hairdressers, nail places, dry cleaners, etc. set up. But it takes a long time to build such a support infrastructure in a new place. It is not easy to do this in a new country with a whole new system of health insurance in addition. So I avoided to go to any doctor. Of course only until I met my RE. I never avoided going there. I think I spent more time with my RE in the last two years than with my family.
In July of last year I finally went to see a doctor to have my thyroid checked out. I even had to schedule an extra ultrasound because they couldn't do it on the same day. After the ultrasound I called the doctor's office a couple of days later for the results. The woman said the doctor was gonna call me back soon. I didn't hear from them after that and assumed everything was fine. To make a long story short. Yesterday (!) after six months I receive this call from the doctor. I guess she must have had a long list of calls before ours that it took her six months to call me back. She told me that I should have called her for the results. I told her that I had called and never heard from her. It looks like I have another node on my thyroid. How can this poor 10% leftover thyroid produce another node? I don't understand how this is even possible. So I need to go in again to have it checked out again. If this little sucker is not being nice, we might have to cut out the leftover as well. Who needs a thyroid anyway?
I recently stumbled upon this and wanted to share it with you. I hope that they will be really quick in pushing this forward. If the success rates are as high as IVF it would be a fantastic alternative for couples dealing with infertility.
I am starting to get frustrated with the social worker before I have even met her. She still hasn't called us yet. I mean, it has been a week from the time that I dropped off the check in my lunch break. A whole week. It might not be a lot of time in her world, but in my little infertile, scared mind, it is a freaking long time. I wanted to have my first meeting with her last weekend. And now 7 days or 168 hours or 10080 minutes or 604800 seconds later I am still sitting here, staring at my cell phone and waiting for her call. On some of the blogs I read it sounds like they meet the social worker before they even do the paperwork and work parallel on the paperwork as they are proceeding with the home study and the interviews.
At least I received the information on the "Dear Birth Parents" letter and the Scrapbook. What do you write to people you have never met who might be able to give you the greatest gift of your lifetime?
The Vancouver Sun is publishing a series of articles on a couple doing IVF. I wish there would be more articles about it and more TV coverage on it so that people would be more educated about it...
We are pretty open about it and our friends know of our infertility. Most of our friends have been super supportive and I don't know what I would have done without them. But we also know people who are suffering alone. It pains me that they are trying to go through all the pain and heartbreak by themselves without sharing their tears with their friends. I don't even remember how often I have cried in front of a friend because of all this pain.
The support from this online community and my fellow bloggers has been incredible as well. Many of them have become friends in real life and I am so blessed to live in the D.C. area. The DC Stirrup Queens are a great group and I can't wait to read their news on their blogs. We laugh and cry together and we celebrate everyone of us that is getting ready to say goodbye to infertile island.
Why are some people so open about it and others want to bury their infertility deep inside for no one to see? We all need support in one way or another and it is so good to know that we are not alone in our pain. Sometimes it even helps to put my own pain in perspective. When I read about Shannon who has just lost her precious little twins Lennox and Zoe, I am at a loss of words. How can I complain and bitch about everything if I read about their struggles? How can I care whether the social worker calls today, tomorrow, or next week? I am so blessed with so many things in my life. I have a wonderful supportive husband. I don't have serious health issues. I have a job and a house. Life is not so bad after all. I only need to change my attitude and fill the glass half. And look at it that way. The glass is half full, not half empty!
I really hope that maybe one day I will be able to help someone with the pain and experiences we have been trough. Then at least it would not have been useless.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
A sad night and random toughts on infertility
I was really sad last night. It started with me watching this video of the song "I would die for that" that I posted below. I started sobbing. Because I realize I would die to have a child. Of course it wouldn't make much sense of me dying while giving birth to a child. Because then I wouldn't be able to experience being a Mom at all. But I would easily give 10 years of my life for the possibility of getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and giving birth to a healthy baby.
When I went to bed a read a little in the bible and come across the paragraph "Put your faith in me". I have faith in God. But it is so hard to have faith and not knowing whether it will pay off. What if I decide to wait for the Lord to help us. And he doesn't. I am scared to have that kind of faith and I am struggling with this. I also read a little from the book "Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart In The Midst Of Infertility". It is a great book for everyone that believes in God and deals with infertility as well as their family members.
I found out this week that a school friend of mine is having her second baby. The first one was born in May 2006 and their newest addition to the family is being born the same month, just exactly two years later. I was o.k. with her telling me, because I had assumed that she was pregnant when we saw her in September. She looked pregnant to me and was not drinking any alcohol. But I thought it was probably early and they didn't want to tell anyone.
I am still amazed how people can just get pregnant so easily. For all of us infertile sisters, there is so much ART involved in it. Measuring temperatures, having sex at exactly the right time, endless blood tests, ultrasounds, injections, retrievals, IUIs, transfers, medication, etc. Outsourced reproduction basically.
Sometimes I wonder how people actually get pregnant at all. I mean, the right sperm needs to find the perfect egg at the right time after a long and difficult road. The sperm needs to break the shelve of the egg, it needs to fertilize it. The zygote than needs to travel all the way to the uterus. It needs to implant. And then it needs to grow into a healthy little baby for 9 months. This all combined sounds like a lot of effort.
And still it happens so easily for some people. I have to admit that when I think about it, I see a side of me that I don't like. I envy those people. Sometimes I feel like they are living the life I was supposed to be living. I never thought it was going to be so difficult for us. I envy the people that are not really trying and get pregnant. I wish I could be those people. Infertility has taken that all away from us.
When I went to bed a read a little in the bible and come across the paragraph "Put your faith in me". I have faith in God. But it is so hard to have faith and not knowing whether it will pay off. What if I decide to wait for the Lord to help us. And he doesn't. I am scared to have that kind of faith and I am struggling with this. I also read a little from the book "Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart In The Midst Of Infertility". It is a great book for everyone that believes in God and deals with infertility as well as their family members.
I found out this week that a school friend of mine is having her second baby. The first one was born in May 2006 and their newest addition to the family is being born the same month, just exactly two years later. I was o.k. with her telling me, because I had assumed that she was pregnant when we saw her in September. She looked pregnant to me and was not drinking any alcohol. But I thought it was probably early and they didn't want to tell anyone.
I am still amazed how people can just get pregnant so easily. For all of us infertile sisters, there is so much ART involved in it. Measuring temperatures, having sex at exactly the right time, endless blood tests, ultrasounds, injections, retrievals, IUIs, transfers, medication, etc. Outsourced reproduction basically.
Sometimes I wonder how people actually get pregnant at all. I mean, the right sperm needs to find the perfect egg at the right time after a long and difficult road. The sperm needs to break the shelve of the egg, it needs to fertilize it. The zygote than needs to travel all the way to the uterus. It needs to implant. And then it needs to grow into a healthy little baby for 9 months. This all combined sounds like a lot of effort.
And still it happens so easily for some people. I have to admit that when I think about it, I see a side of me that I don't like. I envy those people. Sometimes I feel like they are living the life I was supposed to be living. I never thought it was going to be so difficult for us. I envy the people that are not really trying and get pregnant. I wish I could be those people. Infertility has taken that all away from us.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
I would die for that!
This song describes beautifully and exactly the pain of infertility. I am sitting here sobbing while I am listening to it.
Monday, January 7, 2008
What to expect when you are not expecting...
I love the title of this blog. I always dreamed about buying the book "what to expect when you are expecting" once I had my positive pregnancy test, but it doesn't look like I will really need it. In a kind of superstitious way, I didn't want to buy it because I first wanted to be pregnant. Well, I guess I saved those dollars.
On Friday night, I went to a happy hour and met the colleague of my husband whom I had met at my RE's office. She first seemed to avoid me like I seemed to avoid her. I still feel awkward that I have shared so much with her, when I told her about our struggles and she blew me off by telling me that she has a lot of work in the office. When she asked me later how I was I told her "Just fine!" and didn't take the conversation any further. It is strange. I would hope for the support from people in real life that are going through the same struggles like we are.
But the most support for our struggles I get from the online community. Yesterday was the meeting of the D.C. Stirrup Queens with Lori. It was my first meeting with this group. I first felt strange to go there, because I didn't know anybody. I really thought the most embarrassing thing that could happen would be, if I ended up asking random strangers whether they are the infertiles. But it turned out that wasn't necessary. I immediately found the right people. Everybody was great and it was fantastic encounter. I look forward to seeing these ladies again and to keeping in touch with them.
Isn't it weird that if you struggle with infertility you end up getting more support from strangers that you have never met while the people you would normally turn to for support don't know how to deal with you (especially if they have children)?
On a different note: last Saturday we went out for dinner with some friends and their lovely two year old. She seems to adore me and wanted me to take her around the restaurant while she was terrified of dh. It was a great feeling to feel her little hand in mine and walk around the restaurant. It was a little glimpse of what my life might be in the future. I can't wait for this to happen.
Last Friday when I went home from work I saw Homer sitting on his usual bench. He looked great. I told him that I had missed him and how I had tried to track him down to visit him. He told me he had been in 5 different hospitals as they couldn't find out what was wrong with him. He has high blood pressure, but doesn't want to take the medication. I asked him about his age and it turns out he is 80 (!). I couldn't believe it as he looks so much younger. He is going to a home less shelter at night. Thanks god. It was way to cold last week to spend the nights outside. I was so glad to see him. I really had been concerned that he might have died. I am happy he is alive.
On Friday night, I went to a happy hour and met the colleague of my husband whom I had met at my RE's office. She first seemed to avoid me like I seemed to avoid her. I still feel awkward that I have shared so much with her, when I told her about our struggles and she blew me off by telling me that she has a lot of work in the office. When she asked me later how I was I told her "Just fine!" and didn't take the conversation any further. It is strange. I would hope for the support from people in real life that are going through the same struggles like we are.
But the most support for our struggles I get from the online community. Yesterday was the meeting of the D.C. Stirrup Queens with Lori. It was my first meeting with this group. I first felt strange to go there, because I didn't know anybody. I really thought the most embarrassing thing that could happen would be, if I ended up asking random strangers whether they are the infertiles. But it turned out that wasn't necessary. I immediately found the right people. Everybody was great and it was fantastic encounter. I look forward to seeing these ladies again and to keeping in touch with them.
Isn't it weird that if you struggle with infertility you end up getting more support from strangers that you have never met while the people you would normally turn to for support don't know how to deal with you (especially if they have children)?
On a different note: last Saturday we went out for dinner with some friends and their lovely two year old. She seems to adore me and wanted me to take her around the restaurant while she was terrified of dh. It was a great feeling to feel her little hand in mine and walk around the restaurant. It was a little glimpse of what my life might be in the future. I can't wait for this to happen.
Last Friday when I went home from work I saw Homer sitting on his usual bench. He looked great. I told him that I had missed him and how I had tried to track him down to visit him. He told me he had been in 5 different hospitals as they couldn't find out what was wrong with him. He has high blood pressure, but doesn't want to take the medication. I asked him about his age and it turns out he is 80 (!). I couldn't believe it as he looks so much younger. He is going to a home less shelter at night. Thanks god. It was way to cold last week to spend the nights outside. I was so glad to see him. I really had been concerned that he might have died. I am happy he is alive.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
The loss of a biological child
I just called the adoption agency. They have all our paperwork except the guardianship agreement and the driving record which should be in the mail today. Our caseworker has sent out the clearances last week and they usually take 4 weeks to come back.
They also mailed out the reference letters to our friends. I already received an email from one of our friends that they had received the letter from the agency and will draft something.
Then they will assign us a social worker to complete our home study. Once we have been assigned the social worker, the process takes usually 4-6 weeks, but it can go even faster. At this point it can't go fast enough for us.
While I realize that we might end up having an adopted child, it means also that we might never have biological children. We haven't really completely given up hope yet. But I am not getting any younger and I will be turning 34 this year. It would be a big surprise if we would actually end up having a biological child.
I have nearly given up the dream of conceiving naturally in bed like so many of our friends. I have learned to live with the fact that whether we have biological children or not might be determined by our finances. Our only chance of having biological children might be IVF to maximize our chances. And we don't have the resources to continue pursuing fertility treatments every month. My high FSH level is another reason that makes it less likely to happen. My body doesn't seem to want to cooperate with our dreams.
Since I was a little girl, I dreamed about having a family with children. I was looking forward to seeing that positive pregnancy test on the bathroom counter. I was wondering how I would tell my husband that we are expecting a baby. And my parents. I was looking forward to feeling a baby grow inside me. I was looking forward to the first ultrasound. I was looking forward to the first time I could feel our baby move inside me. My husband has this beautiful smile and I always was looking forward to seeing that smile in our children. I was wondering which traits they might have from whom of us. I might never experience this.
It also means the end of the genealogical line of our family which is particularly hard for my parents. While they will be thrilled to have finally a grandchild, they will have to realize that their gens won't be given to the next generation.
Our children will have different parents that will be connected to our family forever. Another woman will experience the first ultrasound and the first movements of our baby. And I won't be there for the first ultrasound. I won't feel it kicking. And I won't be able to protect our child for the first nine months before it is born.
I am grieving for that loss. And I understand it is a normal process. But it still hurts like hell.
They also mailed out the reference letters to our friends. I already received an email from one of our friends that they had received the letter from the agency and will draft something.
Then they will assign us a social worker to complete our home study. Once we have been assigned the social worker, the process takes usually 4-6 weeks, but it can go even faster. At this point it can't go fast enough for us.
While I realize that we might end up having an adopted child, it means also that we might never have biological children. We haven't really completely given up hope yet. But I am not getting any younger and I will be turning 34 this year. It would be a big surprise if we would actually end up having a biological child.
I have nearly given up the dream of conceiving naturally in bed like so many of our friends. I have learned to live with the fact that whether we have biological children or not might be determined by our finances. Our only chance of having biological children might be IVF to maximize our chances. And we don't have the resources to continue pursuing fertility treatments every month. My high FSH level is another reason that makes it less likely to happen. My body doesn't seem to want to cooperate with our dreams.
Since I was a little girl, I dreamed about having a family with children. I was looking forward to seeing that positive pregnancy test on the bathroom counter. I was wondering how I would tell my husband that we are expecting a baby. And my parents. I was looking forward to feeling a baby grow inside me. I was looking forward to the first ultrasound. I was looking forward to the first time I could feel our baby move inside me. My husband has this beautiful smile and I always was looking forward to seeing that smile in our children. I was wondering which traits they might have from whom of us. I might never experience this.
It also means the end of the genealogical line of our family which is particularly hard for my parents. While they will be thrilled to have finally a grandchild, they will have to realize that their gens won't be given to the next generation.
Our children will have different parents that will be connected to our family forever. Another woman will experience the first ultrasound and the first movements of our baby. And I won't be there for the first ultrasound. I won't feel it kicking. And I won't be able to protect our child for the first nine months before it is born.
I am grieving for that loss. And I understand it is a normal process. But it still hurts like hell.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Don't trust the cops
Of course all my venting before the trip was exaggerated. The first day was not so bad after all. We arrived at my BIL's house yesterday around 4:30 p.m. after sitting in traffic for what felt like a real long time. It actually took us about an hour to drive about 5 miles. The HOV lane didn't really help either. While we were overtaking a lot of cars first, cars started to pile up at the end of the HOV lane and of course it took forever.
We went to BIL's house and our nephew was cute as hell. He is not shy with his smiles. My MIL said to dh: "Give him to Yoka, so she can hold him. I can't wait until you get one of your own." This is the thing. She didn't realize how hurtful her comment was for me. She doesn't understand that we don't know when we'll have one of our own. It can take a freaking long time. And I know that she didn't want to hurt me. This is the thing about infertility. People make comments and don't even realize how much it hurts. And infertility makes you so sensitive to every single thing they say.
We went to my FIL's restaurant after that to say hi and ate a little something. We returned to my BIL's house after that and had a really nice evening. SIL made her famous macaroni and cheese and we had a nice conversation. They asked us about the adoption process and how long it was going to take. I wish I knew that. This is the thing: it is an equation with so many unknowns. I wish I knew when we will be done with our home study. I wish I knew when we will be done with our profile. I wish I knew if and when a birthmother might pick us.
The fingerprints are taken. the guardianship agreement is signed, notarized, and in the mail from our friends back to us. But of course it will arrive when we are not home. We'll have to wait until we come home to send it back to the agency.
My MIL brought the missing paperwork from NY for the home study. We mailed the rest of the paperwork on Friday night. When I went to pick up our mail, my driving record had arrived. I put that in the mail as well.
My driving recorded showed that I had a conviction for driving with an unlicensed vehicle. That happened in July. We had just gotten back from Europe and DH had to go down to Houston. I drove him to the airport in his car (it is technically his car because he bought it and my name is not on the title). On my way back home I was stopped by a cop. That was the first time that I was ever stopped in the US and I was pretty shocked. Virginia had just introduced the new law for reckless driving. I didn't think I had been going to fast, but who knows? The cop told me that he had stopped me because our license plates were expired. Great! I didn't even know that they do expire. Here I was, a foreigner sitting in hubbies car not knowing which papers I needed to hand to the cop. I only claim it is our car, if it is convenient. If the car has to go to the shop, it is usually his car. I tried crying. That didn't help. Being blond didn't help either. He was a mean, mean cop. He told me then it was just a paper offense and I shouldn't worry about it. He immediately gave me a court date. I was shocked. In Europe you don't have to go to court for a traffic ticket. The cop made me promise to take care of it the next day. He said if I could prove it to him in court, he would see that he could do for me. Needless to say that I had it all taken care of the next day (while my hubbie was in Houston, he never seems to be around for inconvenient business). I then thought, I will go to court and it will be alright. The cop will help me, he promised me.
I went to the court a couple of weeks later. It was kind of an interesting cultural experience. I had never been to a court in the U.S. before. I looked around for the officer and had asked other officers for him. He was not there. Great. When the judge called me, I went to the front. She asked me whether I was guilty of driving with expired license plates. I said "Yes. But I took care of it the next day." She reduced the fine to $10. I was really relieved. But when I went to pay, I had to pay the administrative fees as well and ended up with $75 less on our bank account. What do we learn from that experience? You can't even trust cops in this country.
DH plans to write his biography while we are down here. And tomorrow, we'll copy his driving record and mail it to the agency. Have I mentioned it was as white as a piece of paper?
Today we drove to the restaurant for breakfast and now it is 2:30 p.m. and we are still here. DH is playing darts with his dad. I know that he needs this time, but I am more or less bored here. I was doing a Soduko earlier and read blogs, but now I am starting to get really, really bored. It is always the same when we come here. We hang out at the restaurant all day and then we go out for dinner. But it is raining anyway, so who cares?
We went to BIL's house and our nephew was cute as hell. He is not shy with his smiles. My MIL said to dh: "Give him to Yoka, so she can hold him. I can't wait until you get one of your own." This is the thing. She didn't realize how hurtful her comment was for me. She doesn't understand that we don't know when we'll have one of our own. It can take a freaking long time. And I know that she didn't want to hurt me. This is the thing about infertility. People make comments and don't even realize how much it hurts. And infertility makes you so sensitive to every single thing they say.
We went to my FIL's restaurant after that to say hi and ate a little something. We returned to my BIL's house after that and had a really nice evening. SIL made her famous macaroni and cheese and we had a nice conversation. They asked us about the adoption process and how long it was going to take. I wish I knew that. This is the thing: it is an equation with so many unknowns. I wish I knew when we will be done with our home study. I wish I knew when we will be done with our profile. I wish I knew if and when a birthmother might pick us.
The fingerprints are taken. the guardianship agreement is signed, notarized, and in the mail from our friends back to us. But of course it will arrive when we are not home. We'll have to wait until we come home to send it back to the agency.
My MIL brought the missing paperwork from NY for the home study. We mailed the rest of the paperwork on Friday night. When I went to pick up our mail, my driving record had arrived. I put that in the mail as well.
My driving recorded showed that I had a conviction for driving with an unlicensed vehicle. That happened in July. We had just gotten back from Europe and DH had to go down to Houston. I drove him to the airport in his car (it is technically his car because he bought it and my name is not on the title). On my way back home I was stopped by a cop. That was the first time that I was ever stopped in the US and I was pretty shocked. Virginia had just introduced the new law for reckless driving. I didn't think I had been going to fast, but who knows? The cop told me that he had stopped me because our license plates were expired. Great! I didn't even know that they do expire. Here I was, a foreigner sitting in hubbies car not knowing which papers I needed to hand to the cop. I only claim it is our car, if it is convenient. If the car has to go to the shop, it is usually his car. I tried crying. That didn't help. Being blond didn't help either. He was a mean, mean cop. He told me then it was just a paper offense and I shouldn't worry about it. He immediately gave me a court date. I was shocked. In Europe you don't have to go to court for a traffic ticket. The cop made me promise to take care of it the next day. He said if I could prove it to him in court, he would see that he could do for me. Needless to say that I had it all taken care of the next day (while my hubbie was in Houston, he never seems to be around for inconvenient business). I then thought, I will go to court and it will be alright. The cop will help me, he promised me.
I went to the court a couple of weeks later. It was kind of an interesting cultural experience. I had never been to a court in the U.S. before. I looked around for the officer and had asked other officers for him. He was not there. Great. When the judge called me, I went to the front. She asked me whether I was guilty of driving with expired license plates. I said "Yes. But I took care of it the next day." She reduced the fine to $10. I was really relieved. But when I went to pay, I had to pay the administrative fees as well and ended up with $75 less on our bank account. What do we learn from that experience? You can't even trust cops in this country.
DH plans to write his biography while we are down here. And tomorrow, we'll copy his driving record and mail it to the agency. Have I mentioned it was as white as a piece of paper?
Today we drove to the restaurant for breakfast and now it is 2:30 p.m. and we are still here. DH is playing darts with his dad. I know that he needs this time, but I am more or less bored here. I was doing a Soduko earlier and read blogs, but now I am starting to get really, really bored. It is always the same when we come here. We hang out at the restaurant all day and then we go out for dinner. But it is raining anyway, so who cares?
Friday, December 7, 2007
Doomsday
Today is doomsday for us. I just went in for my blood test. This time I even talked to another lady in the waiting room. Everybody is always so quiet and nobody talks to each other. I am on a mission to change this.
I am pretty sure it hasn't worked because I think I saw something on the TP this morning (sorry for TMI). I will get the results this afternoon and hope to be able to update you on the outcome this afternoon.
Yesterday we had a friend from Europe in town who stayed with us last night. The poor guy had applied for a job in D.C. and booked his flight after they invited him for an interview. He had to fill out in his application whether he has a visa for the U.S. or not and he put "No" there. They still invited him for the job interview. Well, when he had the interview, they asked him again "Do you have a visa?". He answered "No." Then the woman said that she couldn't continue the interview then because they couldn't sponsor anyone at this point. Are they crazy. I mean, he paid his flight to come to the freaking interview, he gave them the right information ahead that he didn't have a visa and they still invited him to come. He talked with them twice before. Couldn't they ask the visa question on the phone before they have him come over? I organized him a job interview with a friend and I hope that something is gonna work out for him.
When we got home late last night, we found out that he and his girl-friend are also TTC. He already has a teenage son with his Ex-Wife and didn't think anything was wrong with him. But obviously due to his and his girl-friends age that hasn't been so easy either. They started in May and got pregnant, but had a miscarriage two weeks ago in the eighth week of pregnancy. They had already seen the heartbeat of the baby so it must have been very hard for them. We ended up talking for a long time over the pain of infertility. It is surprising how many people are going through this. He was quite glad to be able to talk about it with us, because he doesn't know any other people who are struggling with infertility as well.
I am pretty sure it hasn't worked because I think I saw something on the TP this morning (sorry for TMI). I will get the results this afternoon and hope to be able to update you on the outcome this afternoon.
Yesterday we had a friend from Europe in town who stayed with us last night. The poor guy had applied for a job in D.C. and booked his flight after they invited him for an interview. He had to fill out in his application whether he has a visa for the U.S. or not and he put "No" there. They still invited him for the job interview. Well, when he had the interview, they asked him again "Do you have a visa?". He answered "No." Then the woman said that she couldn't continue the interview then because they couldn't sponsor anyone at this point. Are they crazy. I mean, he paid his flight to come to the freaking interview, he gave them the right information ahead that he didn't have a visa and they still invited him to come. He talked with them twice before. Couldn't they ask the visa question on the phone before they have him come over? I organized him a job interview with a friend and I hope that something is gonna work out for him.
When we got home late last night, we found out that he and his girl-friend are also TTC. He already has a teenage son with his Ex-Wife and didn't think anything was wrong with him. But obviously due to his and his girl-friends age that hasn't been so easy either. They started in May and got pregnant, but had a miscarriage two weeks ago in the eighth week of pregnancy. They had already seen the heartbeat of the baby so it must have been very hard for them. We ended up talking for a long time over the pain of infertility. It is surprising how many people are going through this. He was quite glad to be able to talk about it with us, because he doesn't know any other people who are struggling with infertility as well.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
12dpiui - one more day
Another day down. I just called the doctor's office and I can come in for the blood test tomorrow. The last day I didn't really fell anything except some stomach pain and several times a shooting pain. After all IUI has just a 15% chance to work anyway. So I am preparing myself for another negative. I still haven't POAS.
Yesterday we had mail from the adoption agency. They sent us our homework for Saturday, including several articles to read and a questionnaire to fill out. The questions were on the articles and most were pretty easy, just the last two I didn't understand. I'll have to ask my hubby about it... I didn't think we had to do homework for the agency, but I just see it as another step that brings us hopefully closer to our dream of enlarging our family.
Last night we sat down and decided on our future health insurance. We both had a gut feeling that we wanted to change back to Blue Cross/Blue Shield and after some plan comparison this is exactly what we did. They don't pay any infertility treatment, but we won't need that next year as we are focusing primarily on adoption.
The other thing we did last night, was to get our X-mas decoration down from the attic and spread it all over the house. And hopefully this week-end we will go out and buy a Christmas Tree. I am not used to having a tree up weeks before Christmas. In my family we didn't put the tree up before the 24th of December which is also the evening when we celebrated Christ's birth. Most of the time, it was my dad bringing in the tree from outside and my mom decorating it. I didn't really like decorating the tree, but got dragged into it several times. Since my dad had his stroke that tradition has changed and Christmas at home will never be the same. I am scared to go home for Christmas because it used to be such a great night when I was growing up. It was really special. But now it is just another night and not that special any more. I guess I have to realize that I am an adult now and Christmas with my parents will never be the same.
And Christmas is the time of the year when infertility hurts like crazy. Christmas is supposed the feast of the family. For me it is not any more the symbol of joy and life. For me it is symbolized by grief. I have my family far away from me. And everything that is so special about it, is a constant reminder of our infertility. I just want it to be over with so that we can transit to the next year.
What will 2008 bring for us? Apart from another move overseas? Will we have a child to love next Christmas?
I still remember that my RE told me last year: "We gonna make 2007 a great year for you!" And I believed it. And a year later, here we are: more than 15.000 dollars poorer and even after two miscarriages and three IVFs not one step closer to having a baby in our arms.
Yesterday we had mail from the adoption agency. They sent us our homework for Saturday, including several articles to read and a questionnaire to fill out. The questions were on the articles and most were pretty easy, just the last two I didn't understand. I'll have to ask my hubby about it... I didn't think we had to do homework for the agency, but I just see it as another step that brings us hopefully closer to our dream of enlarging our family.
Last night we sat down and decided on our future health insurance. We both had a gut feeling that we wanted to change back to Blue Cross/Blue Shield and after some plan comparison this is exactly what we did. They don't pay any infertility treatment, but we won't need that next year as we are focusing primarily on adoption.
The other thing we did last night, was to get our X-mas decoration down from the attic and spread it all over the house. And hopefully this week-end we will go out and buy a Christmas Tree. I am not used to having a tree up weeks before Christmas. In my family we didn't put the tree up before the 24th of December which is also the evening when we celebrated Christ's birth. Most of the time, it was my dad bringing in the tree from outside and my mom decorating it. I didn't really like decorating the tree, but got dragged into it several times. Since my dad had his stroke that tradition has changed and Christmas at home will never be the same. I am scared to go home for Christmas because it used to be such a great night when I was growing up. It was really special. But now it is just another night and not that special any more. I guess I have to realize that I am an adult now and Christmas with my parents will never be the same.
And Christmas is the time of the year when infertility hurts like crazy. Christmas is supposed the feast of the family. For me it is not any more the symbol of joy and life. For me it is symbolized by grief. I have my family far away from me. And everything that is so special about it, is a constant reminder of our infertility. I just want it to be over with so that we can transit to the next year.
What will 2008 bring for us? Apart from another move overseas? Will we have a child to love next Christmas?
I still remember that my RE told me last year: "We gonna make 2007 a great year for you!" And I believed it. And a year later, here we are: more than 15.000 dollars poorer and even after two miscarriages and three IVFs not one step closer to having a baby in our arms.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Honey, let's adopt those four...
I should not have complained about not having any symptoms at all. Yesterday I started to get some cramping (like AF is on her way) and have occasional twinges here and there today. Tomorrow I might call the doctor to find out when I can come in for a blood test. Or should I just wait until AF is here? But the progesterone is probably keeping her away for now...
Yesterday night I had a little meltdown. My husband told me about an email from a friend of us. He and his wife just got married last June, but they were separated because of their jobs for a whole year (with occasional visits). They are expecting as well.
I also got an email from another friend with ultrasound pictures to announce their pregnancy. While I am happy for every single one of them, it hurts so much to have to face the fact that so many people don't seem to have any problems.
Oh, and have I mentioned already that I have a cousin who is two years older than me who just had his fifth child last year? I can't keep track any more with the names and ages of all his children and wouldn't be surprised if they had another one soon. His wife is a doctor and they are very catholic.
It is like the whole wide world around us is pregnant, while we have to wait another months until we can finally start the home study process. The agency called yesterday. They have received the check that I mailed them and they'll mail us information on our mandatory pre-adoption class that we have to take. It will be this Saturday. So at least we will be able to get ahead a little bit.
But back to my meltdown. I did some internet research about waiting children and found those four adorable Asian siblings ages 2 years 9 months to age 7 years that are waiting for a forever family.
I took the computer and showed them to my husband and told him, we should adopt them. He was a bit surprised, because I had told him all the time I want a baby. I still want a baby. But I mean, who is going to adopt four children at once? I understand that it might be a bit hard to go from zero to four children in a couple of weeks. We don't have enough bedrooms for four children. And I don't know whether we could managed financially with four children (clothes, school, daycare) and only one income at this point. But I really feel like I would like to adopt a sibling group. Maybe later. I definitely will keep on checking on them. Maybe if they are still available next summer... We might have more room in our new apartment...
But my dh just took me in his arms and listened to me crying about how much the pain of infertility hurts. He is definitely the best husband in the whole wide world because he can stand me!!!
Yesterday night I had a little meltdown. My husband told me about an email from a friend of us. He and his wife just got married last June, but they were separated because of their jobs for a whole year (with occasional visits). They are expecting as well.
I also got an email from another friend with ultrasound pictures to announce their pregnancy. While I am happy for every single one of them, it hurts so much to have to face the fact that so many people don't seem to have any problems.
Oh, and have I mentioned already that I have a cousin who is two years older than me who just had his fifth child last year? I can't keep track any more with the names and ages of all his children and wouldn't be surprised if they had another one soon. His wife is a doctor and they are very catholic.
It is like the whole wide world around us is pregnant, while we have to wait another months until we can finally start the home study process. The agency called yesterday. They have received the check that I mailed them and they'll mail us information on our mandatory pre-adoption class that we have to take. It will be this Saturday. So at least we will be able to get ahead a little bit.
But back to my meltdown. I did some internet research about waiting children and found those four adorable Asian siblings ages 2 years 9 months to age 7 years that are waiting for a forever family.
I took the computer and showed them to my husband and told him, we should adopt them. He was a bit surprised, because I had told him all the time I want a baby. I still want a baby. But I mean, who is going to adopt four children at once? I understand that it might be a bit hard to go from zero to four children in a couple of weeks. We don't have enough bedrooms for four children. And I don't know whether we could managed financially with four children (clothes, school, daycare) and only one income at this point. But I really feel like I would like to adopt a sibling group. Maybe later. I definitely will keep on checking on them. Maybe if they are still available next summer... We might have more room in our new apartment...
But my dh just took me in his arms and listened to me crying about how much the pain of infertility hurts. He is definitely the best husband in the whole wide world because he can stand me!!!
Friday, November 30, 2007
Oh, what are you doing here???
This morning I think I had the most embarrassing moment at my RE's office. I think I mentioned in a previous post, that everybody is just sitting there and nobody talks. Well today, that certainly changed. When I was signing in, I heard the nurse call a woman with a name that I know. I don't really know her very well, but she is one of my husband's colleagues and I have seen her on several occasions. So I decided to say "Hi" to her. The conservation went something along the lines of:
Me: "Hi, I didn't know you were coming here, too."
She: "How are things?"
At that point I thought she was referring to being at the doctor's office.
Me: "Oh the usual. Endometriosis and stuff. How about you?"
She: "Oh work has been pretty busy lately. And I had a great Thanksgiving." Then the conversation was about work and stuff until I was called in for my bloodwork.
I felt completely embarrassed and awkward that I had shared with her information about what was going on with us and she completely ignored it and went on to talk about work. I mean, she is sitting in an RE's office waiting room. It is pretty obvious that she is there for a reason. I believe she is single, so maybe she was too embarrassed to talk about it. But hey, we are probably feeling a similar kind of pain about not having kids. Why not support each other? I don't think you can have enough support while you are dealing with infertility. The support that I get from this online community has been great so far. I started to get comments and am always very excited to read them. I am so excited that there seem to be some people that actually read what I am writing. And with my new counter I can even track where they are coming from.
I am also pretty open with our struggles. I mean, I don't share it with everybody that I first meet, but most of our friends are in the loop. Why hide that we have after more than three years of marriage a desire for children?
Yesterday I sent my brother a link to read this blog. He knows about our struggles. Probably he can't really relate to it, as he doesn't seem to have the same deep desire to have children as me. But I don't mind him reading about what is going on in our life. And this way at least he can stay connected a little even if he is so far away. And I really miss him.
Update: My progesterone level was 13,9. They would rather see 15. My doctor wants me to use progesterone twice daily.
Me: "Hi, I didn't know you were coming here, too."
She: "How are things?"
At that point I thought she was referring to being at the doctor's office.
Me: "Oh the usual. Endometriosis and stuff. How about you?"
She: "Oh work has been pretty busy lately. And I had a great Thanksgiving." Then the conversation was about work and stuff until I was called in for my bloodwork.
I felt completely embarrassed and awkward that I had shared with her information about what was going on with us and she completely ignored it and went on to talk about work. I mean, she is sitting in an RE's office waiting room. It is pretty obvious that she is there for a reason. I believe she is single, so maybe she was too embarrassed to talk about it. But hey, we are probably feeling a similar kind of pain about not having kids. Why not support each other? I don't think you can have enough support while you are dealing with infertility. The support that I get from this online community has been great so far. I started to get comments and am always very excited to read them. I am so excited that there seem to be some people that actually read what I am writing. And with my new counter I can even track where they are coming from.
I am also pretty open with our struggles. I mean, I don't share it with everybody that I first meet, but most of our friends are in the loop. Why hide that we have after more than three years of marriage a desire for children?
Yesterday I sent my brother a link to read this blog. He knows about our struggles. Probably he can't really relate to it, as he doesn't seem to have the same deep desire to have children as me. But I don't mind him reading about what is going on in our life. And this way at least he can stay connected a little even if he is so far away. And I really miss him.
Update: My progesterone level was 13,9. They would rather see 15. My doctor wants me to use progesterone twice daily.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Insurance Coverage for Infertility
Today I would like to vent about many insurances not covering infertility treatment. At last year's open season we actually decided to change our health insurance because we wanted one that would cover as much infertility treatment as possible. We picked one that covers 2 IVFs per lifetime with a $6.000 deductible. Well, we maxed that out this year. I was very pleasantly surprised that there is another open season this year, so we will be able to get out of this insurance without having to pay another $6.000 deductible next year. So we will. Any ideas on great health insurances (that cover tons of IUIs, IVFs, etc.)?
I also don't understand why the health insurance infertility coverage is in the responsibility of the state you live in. I guess, we picked the wrong state when we moved here, then.
I feel like my infertility is a handicap. Because my body denies me of the ability to have biological children. Why don't I have the same right to children like anybody else that doesn't have problems conceiving? Doesn't this discriminate me and all my fellow infertiles?
Most cost estimates for insurance coverage for infertility treatment range from an additional $1 to $3 per member per month. I mean, we are also all paying for the people that destroy their body with smoking or abuse alcohol or drugs. I have never been a smoker, I don't do drugs, I only have a drink maybe once every two weeks. And I get punished because I have a medical condition that isn't recognized as worthy of being covered? Why is smoking, drug abuse and alcoholism worthy then?
In June of 2007 the H.R. 2892: Family Building Act of 2007 has been introduced to Congress. I just did some research. The act has only 8 Co-Sponsors (very sad if you look at the size of Congress). The current status is:
06/27/2007: Referred to House Armed Services
06/27/2007: Referred to House Education and Labor
06/27/2007: Referred to House Energy and Commerce
06/27/2007: Referred to House Oversight and Government Reform
06/27/2007: Referred to the Committee on Energy and Commerce, and in addition to the Committees on Education and Labor, Oversight and Government Reform, and Armed Services, for a period to be subsequently determined by the Speaker, in each case for consideration of such provisions as fall within the jurisdiction of the committee concerned.
09/11/2007: Referred to the Subcommittee on Health, Employment, Labor, and Pensions.
Committee/Subcommittee Activity:
Energy and Commerce: Referral, In Committee
Armed Services: Referral, In Committee
Health: Referral
Let's hope they move that Act along very quick!!! Maybe you can write to your Congress(wo)man and ask them to support the Act (and have all your family and friends do the same). On the Resolve Homepage you can find out whether your state provides infertility coverage. Most of my infertile fellows know all of this information anyway. But there is also a possibility to write to your State Representatives and mandate they support coverage.
And we will go ahead and change our health insurance - again.
I also don't understand why the health insurance infertility coverage is in the responsibility of the state you live in. I guess, we picked the wrong state when we moved here, then.
I feel like my infertility is a handicap. Because my body denies me of the ability to have biological children. Why don't I have the same right to children like anybody else that doesn't have problems conceiving? Doesn't this discriminate me and all my fellow infertiles?
Most cost estimates for insurance coverage for infertility treatment range from an additional $1 to $3 per member per month. I mean, we are also all paying for the people that destroy their body with smoking or abuse alcohol or drugs. I have never been a smoker, I don't do drugs, I only have a drink maybe once every two weeks. And I get punished because I have a medical condition that isn't recognized as worthy of being covered? Why is smoking, drug abuse and alcoholism worthy then?
In June of 2007 the H.R. 2892: Family Building Act of 2007 has been introduced to Congress. I just did some research. The act has only 8 Co-Sponsors (very sad if you look at the size of Congress). The current status is:
06/27/2007: Referred to House Armed Services
06/27/2007: Referred to House Education and Labor
06/27/2007: Referred to House Energy and Commerce
06/27/2007: Referred to House Oversight and Government Reform
06/27/2007: Referred to the Committee on Energy and Commerce, and in addition to the Committees on Education and Labor, Oversight and Government Reform, and Armed Services, for a period to be subsequently determined by the Speaker, in each case for consideration of such provisions as fall within the jurisdiction of the committee concerned.
09/11/2007: Referred to the Subcommittee on Health, Employment, Labor, and Pensions.
Committee/Subcommittee Activity:
Energy and Commerce: Referral, In Committee
Armed Services: Referral, In Committee
Health: Referral
Let's hope they move that Act along very quick!!! Maybe you can write to your Congress(wo)man and ask them to support the Act (and have all your family and friends do the same). On the Resolve Homepage you can find out whether your state provides infertility coverage. Most of my infertile fellows know all of this information anyway. But there is also a possibility to write to your State Representatives and mandate they support coverage.
And we will go ahead and change our health insurance - again.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Back in town
So I seriously managed to keep AF away all week while traveling. I was just popping in one progesteron after the after. It worked well and this way we can immediately start with our IUI. But who had thought, that now while I am waiting for AF, she is far from visiting. I am supposed to call the doctor's office once she is here. But of course that will take forever...
My business trip went really well. But I am still glad I am back in town. I don't really travel a lot in my job, but somehow it always seems to interfere with our family planning. The day after our first IVF transfer I had to fly out to San Diego. Of course I was completely stressed out about the timing. Then I had put my progesteron suppositories in my suitcase and couldn't take one during the flight. I was so stressed out about it... No surprise, it didn't work.
No news from the adoption agency, yet. I sent our paperwork in last week before leaving town on Wednesday.
Thank you, Lori, for helping me with the link. I managed to change it in my last post. And it is fantastic to read your comments. It is so nice to know that I am not the only one out there that is going trough infertility. The infertile sisters here provide great support. But I wish we all could leave infertile island...
Sometimes infertility hurts the whole time and I am hurting just thinking about it. And sometimes I can manage to focus on something else instead of thinking about it the whole time. But it is still always there... Wouldn't it be nice to be wondering why you are late with your period, take a home pregnancy test, find out that you are pregnant and nine months later give birth to a wonderful, healthy baby. That is what happens to most couples. But about 10 percent of the population don't have that luck. I wish I was on the other side...
My business trip went really well. But I am still glad I am back in town. I don't really travel a lot in my job, but somehow it always seems to interfere with our family planning. The day after our first IVF transfer I had to fly out to San Diego. Of course I was completely stressed out about the timing. Then I had put my progesteron suppositories in my suitcase and couldn't take one during the flight. I was so stressed out about it... No surprise, it didn't work.
No news from the adoption agency, yet. I sent our paperwork in last week before leaving town on Wednesday.
Thank you, Lori, for helping me with the link. I managed to change it in my last post. And it is fantastic to read your comments. It is so nice to know that I am not the only one out there that is going trough infertility. The infertile sisters here provide great support. But I wish we all could leave infertile island...
Sometimes infertility hurts the whole time and I am hurting just thinking about it. And sometimes I can manage to focus on something else instead of thinking about it the whole time. But it is still always there... Wouldn't it be nice to be wondering why you are late with your period, take a home pregnancy test, find out that you are pregnant and nine months later give birth to a wonderful, healthy baby. That is what happens to most couples. But about 10 percent of the population don't have that luck. I wish I was on the other side...
Thursday, October 18, 2007
This day could have been a little better...
Today was a strange day. My colleague told me she is pregnant. She and her husband did their first IVF. She is 40. Her beta is really low at 20. I am happy for her that it worked the first time and hope her beta goes up. After the two week wait, she is now in another wait to see whether her beta doubles as wanted. Poor her... I know how that feels.
I have been trough this just in July. My beta was only at 9, but doppled every two days until it came up to 72. And then... I started bleeding a little. When I called the doctor, he told me that some bleeding was absolutely normal. But deep inside I knew, I was loosing my baby. And the bloodwork the next day showed that I was right. The HCG went down to 54.
When I just took the bus home from work, the damn bus literally stopped at every single stop on the road, except one. It took forever. I went to get our mail from the letter box and saw a letter from MA. I was surprised because I don't really have a penpal from there. When I just opened it, I freaked out: it was an invite for a baby shower for my husband cousin's wife. I don't want to be ungrateful. It is nice of them to think of me and invite me. They don't know about our struggles with infertility. But I don't think I'd like to go and put myself through the pain of spending an afternoon with pregnant women and baby talk. I don't think I can do this. Infertility takes all this joy away from you.
I wish I could just be a normal women for 9 months and enjoy the blessing of having a baby grow inside me. A real baby moving inside me. To be able to go out and buy maternity clothes. To see my belly grow and be actually happy about it. Instead I feel broken. I know at the end of the day infertility makes me stronger. But the pain is never gonna go away.
I have been trough this just in July. My beta was only at 9, but doppled every two days until it came up to 72. And then... I started bleeding a little. When I called the doctor, he told me that some bleeding was absolutely normal. But deep inside I knew, I was loosing my baby. And the bloodwork the next day showed that I was right. The HCG went down to 54.
When I just took the bus home from work, the damn bus literally stopped at every single stop on the road, except one. It took forever. I went to get our mail from the letter box and saw a letter from MA. I was surprised because I don't really have a penpal from there. When I just opened it, I freaked out: it was an invite for a baby shower for my husband cousin's wife. I don't want to be ungrateful. It is nice of them to think of me and invite me. They don't know about our struggles with infertility. But I don't think I'd like to go and put myself through the pain of spending an afternoon with pregnant women and baby talk. I don't think I can do this. Infertility takes all this joy away from you.
I wish I could just be a normal women for 9 months and enjoy the blessing of having a baby grow inside me. A real baby moving inside me. To be able to go out and buy maternity clothes. To see my belly grow and be actually happy about it. Instead I feel broken. I know at the end of the day infertility makes me stronger. But the pain is never gonna go away.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Our struggle with infertility
After years of struggling with infertility, many failed infertility treatments, and two miscarriages this year we have decided to follow the road to adoption. While we are aware that this is not going to be easy, we know deep in our heart that our desire to be parents is stronger than our wish to have biological children.
Thank you for reading this blog. If you are pregnant and considering to give your child into adoption, please contact us. It would be a dream come true.
Thank you for reading this blog. If you are pregnant and considering to give your child into adoption, please contact us. It would be a dream come true.
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