An unexpected blessing

Today during lunch my hubby and I talked to a woman that we know from a sports activity. She already has three boys. Afterwards she shared with me that she just had a miscarriage a couple of months ago. They don't really plan on having more kids, so she is ready to get rid of all her baby gear. And she has offered it to us. For free! Wow! We can come to her house and pick what we like.

I was wondering how we were going to pay for all of the equipment and here we get an offer like that. She is truly a blessing and I am sure we will take her up on that offer.

I will be really brave now and do something that I didn't dare to do before. I hope I won't jinx it.

Graduation day

I just moved two fellow bloggers up on the "Left infertile Island" column on my blog. Both of them are pregnant and have graduated from infertile Island.

The island is getting bigger for the few of us who are still there. But we probably have new arrivals soon. Other woman that are going through the same pain as we are. It doesn't matter how we end up at the island. There is a solidarity between us. We are like sisters. Feeling with each other, understanding the pain.

We spent the weekend in Philadelphia. I meet my wonderful friend M. She and her husband are going through the same like my husband and I when we first started all the tests. When we were first wondering why we didn't conceive like all of our friends around us.

I pray and hope that M and her hubby don't have to go through all the pain that we already went through.

I look forward to the day when the island will be empty because all of us have overcome infertility. Some of us might eventually conceive naturally, others might have to use Clomid, IUI, or the heavy weapons like IVF. For others like me, adoption is the only chance to leave the island. It doesn't matter how we leave the island or how we overcome infertility. It is important that we leave and that we overcome infertility. And we will!!!

Thank you for all your support, sisters! And congratulations to those who graduated.

Better today...

I am feeling better today. It always hits me really hard when I hear of another pregnancy.

It took me 1,5 hours to drive home yesterday. While I was driving home and sitting in the car, I saw all these pregnant women and women with children. They looked so beautiful and so happy.

I guess I have a selective view and only notice those two... The longer I sat in the traffic the worse it got and I ended up sobbing and crying my way home.

When I just got home my hubby called. I told him everything and cried on the phone with him for a while. He then came home and just hugged me. That is all I needed. And he understood. He is the best husband in the whole wide world. And he hasn't given up hope on God yet.

On infertility

400 (!) That is first the beta number my colleague had with her third IVF try. The second was more than 2000. I just found out. I bet that there is more in there than just one. I am glad for her and sad for me. It was her last try, she wouldn't have been able to afford more. But working with a pregnant woman is going to suck. It will remind me every day of my own infertility. I am reminded about that anyway every day. And it will hurt every day.

Sometimes I think that infertility dominates my life. I think about it all day. Every day. It has taken away so much from me. So many joyous moments of my life that I never get to experience because of it. Being able to conceive on our own. To get pregnant while not even really trying to have a baby. Showing my husband a positive pregnancy test and feeling safe and secure that there will end up a real life baby from it. Seeing the first ultrasound. Praying to the porcelain Gods. Feeling it grow inside me. Buying maternity clothes and being able to wear them. Giving birth. Having a biological child. Breastfeeding naturally. Finding myself and my husband in our baby. There is so much that I'll never get to experience.

Instead infertility has given me jealousy, grief, unhappiness, physical and emotional pain, and a huge pessimist perspective on life. Who have I become? What if God used infertility to draw me closer to him? I thought about that today when I was driving to work. What if I thought about God when all the painful thoughts come to my head? What if I focus on him? Will that work? Will he help me to overcome this?

More twins...

AF decided to come for a visit this weekend. Right on time on Friday... All hopes have gone - once again. I wish I would stop hoping. It is just so painful to have your hopes crushed every month.

On Friday we had planned to go out for dinner with two neighbor couples. I had met one of the girls in the morning and she had said that they would be coming. Around 6:30 p.m. she rang our door bell to tell me that they had to bail on us. They had planned to tell us their great news that night. She is twelve weeks pregnant. With twins (!). Naturally conceived. She said they run in their family (but had skipped four generations!).

I feel so bad that I can't be happy for her. This is one of the mean things that infertility does to you. Instead of being happy for your friends when they are pregnant you are jealous and question why it is them and not you. If it was just one, it would probably have been easier. But two (!). Why can't we both be pregnant with one baby? She is the third of our friends that is having twins. And we can't even have one biological child. I wonder whether that pain will ever go away? Will it be better with time? Will it be better once we have an adopted child?

Last Saturday we did the CPR class that was one part of the requirements from our adoption agency. Another thing to cross from our list... We took CPR for adults/children and infants and first aid as well.

Today I sent back the form where it breaks down the cost for this adoption. We now have to find the money somewhere. Unfortunately we didn't qualify for the adoption credit we had applied for. I didn't think it would be that difficult...

While other people conceive their babies in bed, we have to pay thousands of dollars for outsourcing reproduction. First for all the unsuccessful fertility treatments and then for the adoption... I wish I could win the lottery. Having more money would help - a lot.

It's kind of weird

We decided to be presented to the birth mother I had mentioned in my previous post despite the timing concerns we had. And guess, what?

Yesterday I received the call that the birth mother liked our profile so much, she didn't want to look at any other. She picked us to be the parents of her baby which is due in August.

But please DON'T CONGRATULATE YET. And don't put it on Lost and Found. I am so terrified that she might change her mind again after birth that I don't even dare to be happy and look forward to the birth of the baby. Maybe it will be better after we have a telephone conference with her. But right now, I don't really know what to think... I would love to be happy, but I can't. What if she changes her mind after birth? I can't believe that I now have to wait nearly 4 months before I eventually will find out whether this is our baby.

On a completely different note: this is the most screwed up cycle I ever had. Last month I only had a light bleeding. This month my (.)(.) got really big two weeks ago (or at least bigger than usual) and so I decided to use some progesterone. Just in case. My temperature stayed up for the whole time. Thanks, progesterone. I told my hubby the other day that as long as AF had not arrived yet, I always have some hope left. I don't even know why because it is pretty obvious that none of the previous embryos really sticked to my body for whatever reasons.

Then on day 32 (I usually have 28 day cycles), I wanted to know what was going on and actually POAS. The first time since my first positive pregnancy test in April of last year. It was negative. So I decided to not use the progesterone any more and wait for AF to arrive. Yesterday my temperature went down to 97,4 and I thought AF is on her way. Today it went back up to 98. I am now on cycle day 34. What I am supposed to make of this? Any ideas, experiences to share?

Weekend and other news

Thank you so much for all your comments and support. It is so good to have such a great online support network. I was disappointed. But maybe it was better. It just was not the right baby and not the right time. Our time will come. I wish I would know when.

Our weekend was quite nice. We went to a beautiful B&B in Upstate New York to celebrate MIL's 60th birthday. My SIL and BIL came with our nephew on Thursday and spend the night with us. On Friday we all went to the B&B. We were really tired as we arrived around 2 a.m. in the morning. But after a good night sleep we had a really nice weekend. Yesterday we drove back (another 6 hours in the car).

The agency sent us another profile last week. The birth mother is due in August. I don't feel to comfortable with that situation for various reasons. One of them is that we have to move in September. If she picks us now, we won't be presented to any other BM any more. Should she then decide to parent in August, we only have a few weeks left in country. So maybe not such a good idea. But they have other situations coming up, so we'll see.