Going home!

I finally booked my flight. Next week we are off to see my family. My Dad already told me that he can't wait to meet her and I believe my Mom is very happy, too. She has already taken care of a crib so Lilli will have a place to sleep.

We are staying nearly a whole month. It is so great that I don't work right now, otherwise I wouldn't have that opportunity. Dh hopes to join us at my parents' house for Xmas. Hopefully we will be able to fly back together. I am so excited to introduce Lilli to her grandparents and her uncle. Her uncle was so nice to offer us a pick up at the airport. I really appreciate this as I don't know yet how Lilli will do on the flight.

Last week Lilli was really good on both flights and slept the whole time. What a relief for us. We had her suck a bottle at take-off both times. She was just bothered by the "Fasten your seat-belt sign" noise or when the captain or steward was making an announcement. We had a very bumpy ride and I was a little nervous. I don't usually mind flying, but I get terrified if it starts to get bumpy.

Thanksgiving with dh's family was really nice. I could understand his desire to see them again before we are moving. Speaking of: no news yet.

I am getting increasingly frustrated with the fact that we have tons of baby clothes packed up sitting in Miami while we have to buy everything that we need because we can't access it. I am missing Lilli's swings and her feeding seat. Speaking of feeding. I would like to wait until she is about 6 months old until we start her on solids. But if she is getting increasingly frustrated with the bottle she might need some a little earlier. She has been a little more difficult in the mornings and has been screaming a lot lately. I don't know whether it is her teething or what is going on.

This weekend we will head to North Carolina to see our new nephew who will be born on Thursday. This is a scheduled C-section. We didn't really expect to be here so long and be able to meet him prior to moving. At least we get to see dh's Dad, too and he will be able to spend some more time with Lilli as well.

4 months old

Lilli had her four month birthday yesterday. She is now able to roll over from her back to her tummy which she does sometimes in her sleep. She probably wakes up wondering who put her in that position and starts crying because she doesn't really like to be on her tummy. I have a feeling that she is getting better with it.

She recently learned to shake her head. We ask her a question like "Are you tired?" and she is just shaking her head and laughing. It is adorable and so funny.

We went swimming with her last week in our apartment building. She really seemed to like it. A friend of ours is just in town with her baby boy who is just two months older than Lilli and we spent a lot of time together last week. It was wonderful to have someone to spend the days with.

I realize that sometimes I feel a little bit lonely. Of course Lilli is always there, so I am not really lonely in the classical sense. But I really miss having people around me during the day. When I worked, I had such a structured day. I had a certain time to get up and a certain time to go to the office. Now I don't have that structure anymore. I still try to get up early, usually when dh is still around. It is nice to have someone to watch Lilli when I take my showers. She is usually wide awake and gets bored after a while and starts screaming. After I get ready, I get her ready and then we are just hanging out. Usually she goes down for a nap between 10:00 and 11:00 a.m. and then we go out and run some errands after I have a quick lunch. But I still miss the interaction with people, especially with new moms that I can relate to. It is the first time in my life that I haven't really worked for more than 4 months (technically I did work until mid September, but in reality I didn't). I miss working, having something meaningful to do.

But I realize that it would be difficult right now. It would take away time from Lilli. And she needs a lot of my attention all day long. She is growing up so quick and is only little once. Therefore I want to take this time to be there for her. And because of the transition we are still in, it wouldn't make sense to start a job anyway. But I really hope that this state doesn't last that much longer. I am really looking forward to getting to Venezuela. Unfortunately we don't have our visas yet.

I have decided to take Lilli to see her grandparents in Germany as soon as possible. I will try to book the flight after Thanksgiving. We will go up to Upstate New York for Thanksgiving to see dh's family. While I am not looking forward to the snow and the cold, I am glad that he will have a chance to see his mom and grandparents. Fortunately we are not driving up there. We have booked our flights for tomorrow night. A Happy Thanksgiving to everybody!!!

Still here...

No news on the visas. We are still hanging out here, waiting in Limboland. Who knows how long that state is going to last. We had a friend from Germany in town the last two weeks, which kept me busy.

Today Lilli and I went into my old office to babysit the telephone. My successor is out of town and had asked me to come by to make sure, there were no unanswered calls. So far it has rang only once. My former colleague was on the line to chat about life. She is due in about three weeks with her boy/girl twins. It is so much easier for me to hear about pregnancy and related stuff or go to babyshowers now that I have a baby. This Saturday we will have to go to a babyshower for a good friend. I am a little scared and nervous, but I know that we will be alright. Lilli will be there with me, smiling when my thoughts might drift to a dark place and I will be reminded of how blessed we are to have such a wonderful and beautiful baby.

By the way: if you are looking for a great gift for new babies. I have a tip for you. My realtor's daughter has a business called Hootcouture where you can order embroidered onesies or burp clothes or bibs. I love that store and I buy always things there for new babies. I love the idea that I am able to give something personalized to the baby and not just a pair of onesies that nobody remembers who has given them later...

Proud to be an American!!!

I am so proud to be an American today. We spent the evening with friends at their house and were hoping for a change we can believe in. When we took a sleeping Lilli home I whispered in her ear that she could become whoever she wanted to be. If she decides that she wants to be president one day she can become the president. I am excited that she never will remember a time where African American's weren't able to achieve everything in this country.

We are still hanging out in our corporate apartment. We haven't heard any news on our visas, yet. I wonder how long we will have to wait until we can move... It is a little frustrating to have all those beautiful summer dresses for Lilli for the Carribean when we are sitting in a cold Virginia. But what can we do? The good thing about all of this is that we have lots of opportunities to say goodbye to everybody several times. And to spend the election night in the US was very special to me, too. It was my first presidential election in the US and my first time to vote as an American - in a swing state.

On a side note: My brother is celebrating his birthday today. Happy Birthday, uncle A!!!

Isn't that the cutest pumpkin ever?

Amazing Surprise

A couple of days ago we received mail from our adoption agency. The first letter was just an additional bill to take care of. But the second letter was a great surprise. We received a letter from Lilli's birthmom. What an amazing present to make us. She also added some pictures from Lilli immediately after birth and an ultrasound picture. And the footprints that they took in the hospital. We were thrilled to receive this. The whole time we had been wondering how she was doing. How she liked the pictures we had sent her. How she liked the name that we had given our daughter. I secretly wondered whether she would hate that we changed the name that she had given her. But she wrote that she loves the name Lillian.

She also wrote a letter for Lillian for when she is older. This is truly what I had hoped for in a semi-open adoption. That Lillian would one day be able to understand how much love went into the decision from her birthmother. That Lilli will be able to understand what a difficult choice her birthmother made to give her the live she envisioned for her, but couldn't give to her by herself.

I can't wait to write her and thank her for these amazing gifts. We had just finished the three month letter and are just waiting for the pictures to send it to her. But I will answer her in the four month letter.

One more question to those of you who have adopted. Are you getting the birthmothers anything for Christmas? If yes, what are you getting for them? I would like to send her something, but am not sure what.

Our first three months with Lilli

Lillian Alexis Audry 07/24/08

Lilli is three months old today. I know I am repeating myself, but I can't believe how fast the time is passing. Yesterday one year ago we filled out the application for adoption and today I have a sleeping beautiful baby next to me. God truly works in miraculous ways. I feel so blessed and grateful.

We had a great night out yesterday. Hubby had asked some friends to babysit. We went to the Melting Pot I love that restaurant! Of course I told everyone that we had our anniversary. I thought they would at least get us a glass of champagne or something (in Europe that is very common). But they just said "Congratulations!" and that was that. I was a little disappointed I have to admit. We each ordered a bottle of Framboise which is a nice beer (my BIL and his wife had that at their wedding instead of champagne). One bottle (beer size) turned out to be $15, but we didn't know. I hate it when the drink menus don't have prizes...

We spend a great time out. It was nice to just talk about our wedding and remember that wonderful day together. I missed Lilli a lot and wanted to call our friends to see how she was doing. But dh wouldn't let me. He gave me another wonderful card. He is such a great writer. I will share with you what he wrote: The card read: To my best friend and true love Happy Anniversary. He wrote: You are the joy of my life. Lilli is an incredible addition to our family, but you will always be my #1! I love you so much and cannot believe that it has been 4 years already. It seems like yesterday that you were my beautiful bride and we were celebrating our wedding. With much love, dh.

I never imagined that

a. I could stay with someone in a relationship for that long (my longest relationship before I met my husband had been about 18 month)
b. I could still be in love with someone after such a long time
c. love could still grow after such a long time.

Now all my dreams have come true. I have a loving husband and a wonderful daughter. And I have survived infertility.

4 years of marriage

Four years ago on a beautiful October day I got married to my best friend. I couldn't imagine my life with someone else. He has a great sense of humor and is the most honest person I know. He loves me more than I could have ever dreamed of. He is my everything.

Last year on our anniversary we were celebrating by filling out our adoption application. We were wondering when we were finally going to be parents. This year our dream has become true. Happy Anniversary, Honey!

I received beautiful golden earrings from my husband this morning as an anniversary present. They are gorgeous!!!

Still hanging around...

Update on my Dad: he seems to be doing fine. I managed to talk to him on Sunday when he was back from the hospital for one day before they start the chemotherapy. My Mom and I have discussed a possible visit and she doesn't think it is a good idea. She wouldn't want Lilli in the hospital. She thinks we should wait until he is back home. I am doing this right now. Yesterday I picked up my new US passport. Very proud of it. At least I could fly now, if I needed to.

No news otherwise. We are still waiting for our visas and are hanging out here. Lilli and I have been sick during the weekend. I had a cold and Lilli has been spitting up a lot recently. She was completely out of sync on Friday night and Saturday, but seems to be doing much better in the last couple of days. It is such a joy hear her talk to herself in the morning. She just babbles away in her crib and it makes me smile. Lilli has accidentally rolled over twice yesterday when she was sitting with a pillow in her back on our bed. But I don't think she intended to do that. Because she still hates being on her tummy. I try to get her to stay on it, but after about 1-2 minutes she screams... Any tips from the experienced parents?

Infertility Insurance Coverage for Virginia Residents

Action Alert: Virginia
Infertility Insurance Coverage for Virginia Residents:
Take Action Now!
Senator Patsy Ticer (D-30) has introduced Virginia Senate Bill 631, important legislation that would require health insurers, health maintenance organizations, and corporations providing accident and sickness subscription contracts to provide coverage for the treatment of infertility.
On October 27, 2008, there will be a hearing on this bill before a Governor-appointed committee of legislators and citizen representatives. We need your voice! Please email the committee members and ask them to support SB 631. If you are a constituent of one of the committee members, it is especially important that you make sure that he or she knows.
To send an email letter to the Committee members, please click here.
If you can attend the hearing, even better! The Special Advisory Commission meeting will be held on:
Monday, October 27th at 1:00 pm
House Room D
General Assembly Building
Richmond, VA.
Thank you for supporting insurance coverage for infertility treatment!

Sincerely yours,
Barbara Collura
Executive Director, RESOLVE

A shock!

I just talked to my mom and found out that my dad's lung cancer has spread to his pelvis area. I am waiting for her conversation with the doctor tomorrow and will then decide whether I am flying with Lilli or whether we have more time. I always wanted hubby to be there when we fly there to introduce Lilli to her grandparents, but we might not have that time.

It's hubby's birthday today. Happy birthday, love of my life!!!

Blogoversary!!!

Today marks one year since I started documenting our struggles with infertility and our road to adopt. What can I say? We went through a lot in the past year. 1 IUI, my Dad's lung cancer, three birthmothers that either didn't pick us or picked us and then changed their mind. But after all those disappointments and bad news we feel so blessed to be Lilli's parents. She is the best thing that ever happened to us (apart from finding each other and getting married).

You guys have supported me on this long and difficult road with your advice. Thank you very much!!!! I need to pick your brain once again. My hubby has is birthday this week and I don't have a present for him yet. Any ideas? I asked him what he wanted and he has not been particularly helpful either. I also would like to bake him a cake, but that will be a whole other undertaking since all my cooking and baking tools are just traveling to Latin America.

I sometimes catch myself already checking out adoption sites again. We can't wait to adopt again... But I guess we will have to wait until this adoption is finalized. And then do another home study. I don't understand why you have to do a whole new home study and submit all the paperwork again? Why can't they just do a home study update and you submit the paperwork that has changed and do another interview?

Still no news on the visas, but we are staying hopeful. Our new apartment is a little smaller, but right next to a shopping mall...

Homeless...

Of course we are not really homeless in the sense that we have to sleep under a bridge. But we are not in our home any more and not yet in our new home. And we have to move again today. We were supposed to be in Latin America since Friday, but we are still waiting for our visas.

Last week we packed out our house and moved into a furnished apartment. We have been staying there for a week now and they rented it today to someone else. Therefore they moved us to another place. It is not a lot of fun to move every week with a baby. But while we are waiting there is not much else we can do. Living out of our suitcases is not so much fun either... We are trying to make it sound like an adventure to get Lilli used to sleeping in different places every couple of days. Fortunately she is able to go to sleep wherever we are. She is such a joy and has started to talk to us a lot. We can't really understand what she is saying, but it is very funny. And she smiles a lot and coos.

Hubby managed to squeeze most of our 6 suitcases and 3 carry-ons in our car (which we fortunately haven't sold yet) and is on his way to our "new" temporary home. I am waiting here with Lilli until he returns. We are supposed to be out here in twenty minutes, but I doubt we will make it. We probably have to make three trips as they asked us to transport the crib as well.

I am very excited about moving to a different country and can't wait to arrive and take it all in. The new language, the new culture, food, etc. I am concerned about Lilli's adjustment, but confident that she will transition well.

I am such a dork!!!

Just a quick update as I won't have a lot of time to write in the next week.

I had turned on comment moderation recently and thought I would receive an email to moderate comments. Turns out blogger expects me to do this by myself. Therefore I turned it off again.. Sorry about that.

Thank you for your comments on the sleep regression post. It is not like we don't get any sleep. Lilli is a great sleeper. She just doesn't want to drink more than 2-4 ounces per feeding. We can't get more in her (we tried that, but she projectile-vomited it right back at us. :-))...

We had our second post placement visit with the social worker last week and it was nearly business as usual. We handed over our progress report and she asked us how it was going. We told her that everything was fine and that we love to be parents. That was it. She arrived late and had to leave early. The third and fourth post placement visits will be done via the phone because we are out of the country.

I also managed to meet with D. and Payton last week. He is so cute and tiny. He is about half the size of Lilli. It was a short, but wonderful encounter and I am looking forward to staying connected and see our kids grow up.

We are pretty busy getting everything ready for our big move. Tomorrow and on Tuesdays the movers will pack us out. Tomorrow we are moving into corporate housing and on Friday we are supposed to fly - if we get our visas in time. We will see...

Lilli feels that something is going on. She has barely slept today during the day. The house is a mess and she probably know that something is happening and can't figure out what.

I went to my colleague's babyshower today for a short while to drop off some presents. My infertile soul always dreads babyshowers, but with Lilli in tow I imagined I was going to be fine. And I was. It was a nice gathering and I handed Lilli off to a friend and ate something. Then came a couple with two kids. I went back to be with Lilli. The mother of that couple said to me that I look fantastic for having given birth two months ago. I told her that I hadn't and that Lilli was adopted. Then she said something like: "Oh, you are so lucky that you didn't have to give birth!!!" I know that she didn't mean to hurt me, but at that moment I had enough. So I replied: "I think I have been through enough. Thank you very much!" I don't know whether she understood my message and I might have been a little rude, but at that moment I couldn't help it. She hit my infertile wound.

Sleep regression

At the doctor's appointment we found out that our little Cutie has grown another inch and is now 23 inches long. Lilli has also gained some weight and is now at 12 pounds 10 ounces. The vaccinations were not too bad. She screamed really loud for a couple of minutes, but then calmed down. She was very sleepy afterwards. I also had my vaccinations this week. Typhoid and Tetanus - I am telling you that is no fun. Both of my shoulders have been hurting since so I feel with Lilli.

But today I wanted to post about something else and ask for your advice. I seem to have lost my readership recently, at least I haven't received any comments. Maybe my posts are just too boring now that we have a baby...

I recently read this post and have experienced similar problems the last couple of days. Lilli had slept up to 6,5 hours at a time without waking up. But recently she seemed to have gone backwards. She now goes to bed around 10:30 p.m. and wakes up at 2:30 a.m. and at 5:00 a.m. It usually takes her a long time to settle down and she doesn't want to go to sleep in her crib. She fell asleep several times on our bed. Yesterday night I decided that she needed to fall asleep by herself in her Moses basket. I put her down around 10:30 p.m. (as soon as I saw her rubbing her eyes) and she fussed for a while. I went back in to calm her down and put her back down. She fussed again for a while, but eventually fell asleep - by herself!!! I am very proud of this achievement. But at 2:30 a.m. she screamed for food. She usually only drinks a maximum of 3-4 ounces per feeding. And at 5:00 a.m. she screamed again. I decided to wait and see whether she would fall back asleep by herself. But she didn't. I told dh not to get her, because I wanted to wait. For a while it sounded like she was going to fall back asleep, but then she screamed again. After 20 minutes I finally gave in and fed her. She was awake again at 6:45 and wanted to eat. Is this normal? Do you have any tricks how I can get her to sleep longer? I consider myself fortunate enough not to be too sleep deprived. But it would be wonderful if she could learn to sleep longer amounts of time.

We are one week and two days away from our move. As you can imagine we are quite busy. Every day I have a long list of errands that I need to run and chores that need to be done. After I just had a little lunch break I have to get back to work. Have a great day!

2 months already!!!

Can you believe that it has been already two months since we got the call that changed our lives. I remember exactly how anxious I felt on this trip to meet Lilli. What if her birthmother would change her mind about the adoption after seeing her? Not a day goes by since then that I think about her birthmother. This wonderful young woman has given us something that nobody else could - our daughter. The dream of being a family. I am wondering how she is doing. Did she like our pictures that we sent her? What did she think about the letter? Would she want to write back? I wish we would hear from her. Our second letter is due and I am still working on it. We ordered the pictures two days ago. Hopefully we will get them soon so that we can mail them to her.

Today is Lilli's 2months doctor's appointment. I am very scared because she is supposed to get her immunizations today. Last week I caught a cold and unfortunately have passed it on to Lilli. Fortunately apart from having a snotty nose once or twice a day it doesn't seem to bother her.

Her sleep patterns are still pretty irregular. While this week she has slept twice from around midnight to half past six, last night she didn't want to go back to sleep around 3 after her feeding. After entertaining her for an hour I was so exhausted that she ended up sleeping next to me in the bed. I am terrified of doing this, but she seemed unconsolable otherwise. This morning she has been fussy. I guess she needs more sleep. Just like Mommy. I just put her down for her morning nap in the swing. After I wash and dress her in the mornings she usually likes to sleep for a while in her swing.

On a different note: I am since yesterday officially an American with a dual citizenship!!! When I arrived at the USCIS office on Friday for my appointment they figured out after two hours that my paperwork hadn't arrived. They send me back home and told me they were going to call me when it was there. Yesterday I finally got the call. I had to take Lilli with me because I didn't have a babysitter on such short notice. I anxiously rushed to the office and had my interview with a naturalized woman from Poland. I was very nervous before the interview. Of course Lilli started getting hungry when I was waiting. I had just started feeding her when they called me in for the interview. I ended up feeding Lilli while having the interview at the same time. After she had eaten she was so happy and laughing and smiling. It was so funny and seemed like she was trying to encourage me. During answering who the vice president of the US is and how the executive of a town government is called I was busy smiling back at her and telling her how funny she was. I am so glad that I am capable of multi-tasking...

After the interview I had to wait for an hour for the check in for the swearing in ceremony. I ended up having a lunch of Falafel and Greek Salad. When I had my first bite I dawned on me that eating that much garlic before the ceremony might be offensive to the other participants. But too late. When I came back for the ceremony-check in I had to wait about another hour. Lilli started to get fussy because she was tired. She was the star in the waiting room and everybody told me how cute she is. There were some ladies that did the Virginia voter registration that wanted to hold her and prove their grandma skills. It worked for a little while. I was praying and hoping that my husband would arrive in time for the ceremony. After my check in Lilli's patience was at an end. She started screaming and I was getting nervous. I picked her up, but had to juggle my paperwork and her at the same time. She screamed even more then when she was in her stroller. I decided to put her back down. She was still screaming and more and more the center of attention. I felt like a bad mother and said that she was tired. Finally my dh arrived - just in time for the ceremony. I handed her over to him and with his magic touch she fell asleep in 3 minutes. She is such a Daddy's girl already.

After the swearing in they made us watch a video message from the president and we listened to the song "I am proud to be an American". I got really emotional during the song and had to wipe a tear from my eyes. It has been a long and not always easy road and I finally reached the goal.

Here is a picture from Lilli's first baseball game.

Welcome Payton!

Please join me in congratulating our friends from our pre-adoption group who just were blessed with a little angel named Payton.. They had decided to adopt with the agency that did our homestudy and until August had only been shown once to birthparents. All the other birthparents were not open for caucasian couples they were told. The agency only places about 30 children a year and has around 60 families on their waiting list. That was the reason why we decided against this agency.

D. had emailed me a couple of weeks ago because they were considering finding another agency. I had highly recommended our out of state agency and they ended up signing up with them as well. And it took only about a month until they were matched with a birth mother who was just going into labor. Their beautiful boy Payton was born on Tuesday and the birthparents signed relinquishments on Wednesday.

I can't believe Lilli is 8 weeks today. We had some difficult nights this week where she didn't want to go down to sleep at night, but last night she went to bed at 10:00 p.m. and slept until this morning at 10:00 a.m. with a few breaks for a bottle...

Tomorrow I have my citizenship test. I have to study a little now. Take care.

Blessed

I feel so blessed right now. Yesterday the package from my Mom arrived. After six weeks on the road from Europe... I thought it was lost. My Dad and my Mom have both written us letters. I was so touched to have received that package. I cried when I read my Mom's letter to us aloud to DH. It was so beautiful. Grandma got Lilli not only the newspaper from the day of her birth, but also a beautiful little silver bracelet with her name on it. As well as some bigger onesies that I am sure she will be able to use soon. But the coolest thing was that she also packed some clothing that I had worn as a baby. It was really funny because there were all these seventies clothes and I was wondering whether my Mom had a problem with her taste recently or why she send me these weird clothes. I only found out about it when I was reading the labels that those were clothes that were from me. 34 years later they might be reused again (at least some of them, because the polyester dresses might be a little out of style). What a wonderful surprise. I didn't know that my Mom had kept clothing from my childhood.

Today was Lilli's baby dedication in church. She looked adorable in her beautiful dress that her godparents have given to her. She was wearing Grandma's and Grandpa's beautiful bracelet. It made me feel like there was at least a part of my parents there with us in church.

We also had a friend in town from Pennsylvania. It was wonderful to have her here. The pastor did a wonderful job dedicating Lilli. We went up on stage with her godparents. Lillian means "My God is a vow". With the pregnancy last year while on the pill we felt that God had made a promise to us. God has kept his promise to us with Lillian. After everything we have been through it was just natural that we wanted to give her back to God.

At church we were quite a big group of people and afterwards we invited everybody to our house for some coffee and cake. I had baked three cakes yesterday and dh made one as well. Usually I am not a big baker. I prefer cooking to baking. Nevertheless once a year I bake a cake for hubby's birthday. My cakes never turn out the way they should. They rarely look like my Mom's who is a fantastic baker. One year I served my husband his birthday cake on the kitchen counter. When I opened the spring form, the cake ran out of the form, because it wasn't baked enough. We had a good laugh about it as he licked it off the kitchen counter. It is a running joke in our family that it is dangerous when I try to bake a cake. The last cake I made was a coconut-cherry-chocolate cake. The cherries were to moist, so the cake didn't look the way I had seen it at my aunt's house. I made it for today and this time it looked and tasted really nice. I also tried out another cake I had never made before. It tasted really good. Also the other cakes were a big hit.

I feel so blessed by our wonderful friends. They were celebrating Lilli's special day with us. They have walked this long "road to adopt" with us and have encouraged us when we were down. They have truly been what friends are for. In good and bad times. There was so much love for her in our house. Sometimes it still feels unreal that we have a real live baby living in our house. It has been just a couple of weeks and on the one hand it feels like it is been forever, but on the other hand it has only been a very short amount of time compared to the time we longed for her and prayed for her. It is wonderful to be able to parent her and I enjoy every moment with her.

Lilli's laugh

Here is the picture that just melts my heart. Lilli has this beautiful laugh.



Today she has been a little fussy. I usually get all smiles when I change her diaper and wash her in the mornings. But today I was on the phone with my Mom when Lilli woke up. She was not fussy at first and I decided wanted to dress her before the Chimney cleaner came. But as soon as she was laying on our changing table she started to fuss and fuss and fuss. She was hungry. And has been fussy nearly all day long with some naps in between.

Tomorrow I do it in my usual routine where she first gets her bottle and gets changed and washed afterwards. Or Daddy gets to do it. I am sad to see that he is missing out on so many things now that he is back to work. I am so used to doing it all by myself during the day that I have to stop myself from just taking over when he is here. I want him to have the opportunity to take care of her, too. It was nice that he actually got up last night and fed her.

Lilli my love!

As I am typing this post sweet Lilli is sleeping on my shoulder. A wonderful feeling. Her warm and cuddly body is so sweet. I just kissed her and she started smiling - in her sleep. She is smiling a lot recently, especially if I talk to her or in the mornings when I change her diapers. Her smile is priceless and the cutest smile in the world (for me at least). She smiles with her tongue between her lips. Too cute. I will post some pictures in a later post.

We sent out the first package to Lilli's first mom. I hope she has received the pictures by now. Every day I am wondering how she is doing. The agency liked one of the pictures we had sent them so much that they would like to use that picture for their homepage. I took that picture and it makes me proud that they like it so much.

We have been busy this morning to apply for a passport for Lilli. Usually this isn't possible before finalization of the adoption. But you guys know that we will be moving soon to Venezuela. When we picked our agency that was one of the deal breakers. If the agency wouldn't let us take the baby out of the country for six months, we would have to find an agency that was willing to work with us. Our agency was very open and had experience with families abroad. But in order to get the passport we need a court approval. Therefore we had a lawyer file a motion for us with the court that allows us to apply for a passport. We had received that motion a couple of days ago with Lilli's birth certificate in the mail. Lilli had her pictures taken and then we applied for her passport.

In the passport office another lady asked about her nationality and I am starting to get annoyed by this question. Therefore I answered "She is American. We are just applying for her US passport". She then said "No, I mean what is her origin?" I said: "Oh, you mean her ethnicity. She is African-American." I don't mind that people can see that she is not our biological child, but I sometimes wonder what they read into seeing her. What assumptions are they making about us? Are they thinking: "Oh, I bet, they had fertility problems and adopted therefore"? Or are they thinking "I wonder whether she had that child with another man. Or did he have that child with another woman?" I can understand when people decide not to adopt trans-racially. People just assume these are your biological children and don't ask many questions.

We automatically stand out as a family. I am happy that we adopted trans-racially and don't regret our decision. We wouldn't have Lilli if we wouldn't have made that decisions. And I love the fact that in our family we all have different colors. But we are facing many questions and curiosity from people on the street that ask about adoption. I am usually happy to educate them and share our story, but sometimes it can get annoying. I wonder how it will be for Lilli once she gets older. She will have to face these questions, too. And I want to protect her from hurtful comments and questions.

First Post Placement Visit

Lillian turned already six weeks yesterday. We can't believe how fast the time is passing. Yesterday night we had our first post placement visit from the adoption agency. I was disappointed that the social worker that had done our home study couldn't do our post placement visits. But she is seriously sick and has to take care of herself right now. Therefore we had another lady come to the house. She was very nice, but she didn't really know us and didn't really know all of our history. I was concerned that she might want to see where Lilli sleeps and her room and everything. Of course we cleaned and cleaned and cleaned to make the house presentable. But she really just wanted to talk to us about our new life. We told her how much we love being a mom and a dad. Our life has changed, but it has been a welcome and long anticipated change.

In the end we also talked about comments from other people that we had received. One question we have received several times is: "What is her nationality?". I guess the people mean ethnicity, but I always play dumb and answer "She has the US citizenship." The other thing people ask us is "Where is she from?" I believe they think we might have adopted her internationally, but they don't know that you can't adopt newborns in international adoptions.

All in all the social worker seemed very content with the visit. She said that Lilli looks wonderful. We are really happy about that.

Today in five weeks we are moving. I can't believe that this day is nearly around the corner....

Here are some newer pictures of Lilli. I caught a beautiful Lilli smile today on camera, but first will need to upload them to the computer.

Two tickets in one week???

We came home on Monday evening. Lilli is finally back on a schedule with the sleeping. We will be moving in October. Therefore I have to get millions of things done before we move. I am currently working on my long list of tasks while Lilli is sleeping in her swing. I am really enjoying motherhood.

Last week when I was in the office I received a ticket because of an expired meter. The funny thing is just that I had put money in the meter at 3:00 p.m. for two hours and received a ticket at 3:18 p.m. for $25. I don't know what happened. Of course I called the number on the meter to complain, but I ended up waiting in a line forever. An automated voice talked and talked and talked. I waited patiently for about 5 minutes, but because I needed to get home I finally gave up. But I shot a picture of the meter with my cellphone. I thought about contesting the ticket, but I figured the court date might be after we have left and then it might be difficult to win. So I just gave in and paid it yesterday.

Yesterday I went into the office with Lilli. She was unfortunately very fussy when I was holding her. Later she fell asleep on my successor's shoulder. It made me feel like a bad mom. When I came out and returned to the car (Just in time before the meter expired) I had another ticket on the car. I couldn't believe it. Our state emission inspection had expired in August. Yesterday was September 2. It was our old car that we are not driving a lot. Just yesterday because dh needed the new car to take it to the dealer. Another $50, this time justified I guess. I am sure you can imagine how angry and upset I was. I went immediately to Sunoco to have the inspection done.

Back for two days...

The visit with the family went very well. Of course everybody loved Lilli. Grandma loved her so much that she wanted to hold her a lot. Lilli slept nearly the whole time in the car and woke up only for feedings. She slept very good the first couple of days. But Sunday night she decided she didn't want to sleep by herself in the travel bed. Every time she would fall asleep and we put her time she woke up and screamed. It was a rough night. In the end I ended up holding her on my side and she slept with us in bed. I don't want to do that every night. First it is very unsafe to do it. And I can't sleep either because every time she moves I am awake. In addition to being concerned that she is either going to fall out of the bed, being suffocated by a blanket or being killed by me rolling onto her on accident.

When we got home the first night she didn't want to go to sleep either. Yesterday she was very fussy all day long. I assume she has a growth spurt or something. Boy, it was a hard day. Nothing seemed to make her happy. I was concerned about the night. But she was fine at night. She went to bed in her moses basket and slept like a baby - literally. But she didn't sleep longer than 4 hours. But after the nights before I was very happy with that result.

I talked to my Mom yesterday. She asked me whether we had received a package from them. We haven't. It was meant to be a surprise and she sent it away on August 1. It can take a while for things to arrive from Europe, but that long? I am really sad. Instead we are receiving other packages from friends nearly every day. We have been so blessed - in every regard.

I have to catch up on all your blogs during the weekend. We will be traveling again tomorrow - this time to see Grandpa in Raleigh who is very excited to see his granddaughter. We will be back on Monday night. On Tuesday our sweet time together at home as parents with Lilli is over. Dh has to go back to work. I am a little sad. It was a great time together. We didn't get everything done I wanted to get done before we move, but at least we are working on it. Anyone would like to buy a 2003 Volkswagen Passat?

Visiting the family

Lillian is a really good sleeper once she finally sleeps. Today she didn't want to go to bed before 2:30 a.m. (my poor husband, I was in bed at 11:00 p.m.), but she didn't wake up until 7:00 a.m. And then again at 10:00 a.m. I am just wondering how we can convince her to go to bed a little earlier...

We are heading out of town today to visit my dh family in upstate New York. Lilli's grandma is so excited to meet her for the first time as are all the aunts and her great-grandparents.

I have a work commitment tonight and we plan on leaving directly after that. Lilli and my dh will attend as well. We will start driving up north and then we will overnight whenever we are getting tired. Tomorrow for lunch we will meet Lilli's great-great-aunt. She is the sister of my husbands grandfather. She is well in her nineties, but still lives by herself with her dog. I only met her one time so far, but really liked her and am looking forward to visit her.

I don't know wether I will be able to update from the road since it seems like dh and I are in a constant fight for the computer these days... Have a great weekend. My dear TOOTPU friends, I am sorry I will miss another meeting. Have fun!!!;

Back to work...

Thank you all for your tips on the hair-care. That is really helpful.

The weekend was superbusy. Our nephew is a handful work. He showed us all the areas of our house that needed baby-proofing. Because we are moving in October, it won't be necessary in this house. There are so many people that we would like to see that we overbooked a little. It was stressful, but still great to be able to see all those friends.

This morning I went back to work. I am now in a consulting position with my office. I only go in 1-2 days a week, the rest I work from home. And I can bring Lilli if I don't have anyone to take care of her (aka my husband)... It is only for the next month until my successor is trained and a wonderful gesture of my boss.

Lilli stayed home with her Daddy today. I thought they were going to have a great time and I was really jealous that I was the one that had to get up and go to work while he got to spend the day with her. But Lilli had different plans. She was moody today and didn't want to go to sleep anywhere else than at my husband's chest. Of course by the time I came home she was sleeping in her swing like a little angel and wouldn't wake up for another 2 hours...

And here are finally some more pictures of our Lilli and also a picture of me with her.

Couldn't you have your own?

I just put Lilli (I think, we'll go with that writing for now) down. Before she was sleeping on my knees. Today she hasn't been a good sleeper. She starts screaming out of the blue. When I pick her up, she stops. That is amazing. To be able to quiet her down. I guess that is what it means to be a Mommy.

I didn't have this Mommy-feeling right from the start. I loved from the start to take care of her. I enjoyed spending time with her and cuddling her. I love her. I want to protect her from getting hurt. But how does that make me different from a baby-sitter? I guess it will take a while until I truly feel like a Mommy. But I assume that this is normal.

Unfortunately I can't email pictures from the computer I am currently using (dh has the other one), but I heard you. I will add some as soon as I can. My BIL and SIL are coming into town today with our nephew. SIL is pregnant with the second baby. I will be o.k. this time. We also received a huge box from them this week - with tons of cute outfits, shoes, a book, etc. She usually doesn't call me. Recently she just called to chat about the baby. I guess that makes me finally a member of the privileged club of Moms. She told me how she changes her baby's diapers about 10-12 times per day. I felt really bad, because we don't change them quite that often... But she is also breastfeeding, that could be the difference.

Yesterday we took Lilli to her first softball game. I have played in a team for the last two seasons and had a great time. I really love that game. Lilli slept nearly through the whole game just to wake up and drink right before the end. When I was standing outside the fence with her, I noticed a couple of tourists (a couple with their adult daughter) wondering about the game. So I explained to them what we were playing. It turns out they were from my home country. We chatted along and they seemed very nice. Of course they asked about Lilli's age and everything. I talked about her Dad and said that he is playing. They immediately assumed he was one of our black players. When I pointed her real Dad out they looked surprised so I said that Lilli is adopted.

I am very open with this as it is nothing I am ashamed of. It is something I am proud of. While we were waiting for the ICPC clearance, we had several people approach us and tell us how great I looked for just having given birth four days earlier. Or one woman that said "She looks just like her Dad - the Mexican". My husband is actually half Japanese and half White. I was kind of surprised to learn that people thought I had given birth to her.

Back to my original thought. After I told the tourists that she is adopted the wife asked me: "Couldn't you have your own children?" I have to say that I was really shocked and stunned by that question. I mean, who asks a complete stranger about their infertility? I just said something like "Oh, we always wanted to adopt." Then she said "But wouldn't it be great if she had a brother or a sister?" I just answered "Sure, that would be great."

I know that this woman didn't have any intention to hurt me. I know that she hasn't experienced infertility. But it sounded a little bit like she was trying to tell me that adopting is only second choice, like she was not really our child. And that hurt me. She is our child. This is the way we are building our family and it is o.k. It is none of their business why we have decided to go down that road. I realize that I will have to practice answers to these kind of questions. Especially with Lilli once she is a little older. I wonder what she would have said if I had just said something like "This is personal and none of your business" or "Why do you want to know?" or "You know after three years of trying, three IVFs, and two miscarriages, we decided to move on. Do you need any detailed information about my miscarriages as well?"

Does anyone of you guys have a great answer to that question?

Here is another question to those of you that have adopted afro-american children. How often do you wash their hair? Lilli has completely straight her right now. It just starts to curl if it is wet. We just gave her a bath yesterday, but today her hair looks oily again. Do you have any recommendations on hair care products for me? When can we start using them?

Time flies by

I can't believe how fast the time flies by when you have children. It is so much faster than before. When Lillian is awake she wants to be entertained or is thirsty or needs her diaper changed. When she is asleep we try to get everything done in the house and with our move. We had also a lot of friends come by in the last couple of days... We have been blessed with so many things for Lillian - it is wonderful.

The doctor's appointment went very well. Lillian has gained 1 pound and 1 ounce since birth and was up to 9 pounds 5 ounces last Friday which puts her in the 80th percentile for weight. She also grew 1,5 inches and was 22 inches long which puts her in the 100th percentile for length. She will be a tall girl, that is for sure. The doctor thought she is in excellent condition which made her parents very proud. It is nice to hear that you are doing something right...

She also has started to sleep 6 hour stretches at night which has been really nice for us. Next week we will travel to see the grandma in upstate NY and meet some more family members.

I feel like I am neglecting you all. I try to keep up with all the blogs, but sometimes I just don't make it. But please be assured that you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Home, sweet home...

We arrived back in Virginia very late on Saturday night. Lilli was so sweet. She slept during the first flight and didn't even notice the take-off and the landing. She loaded her diapers twice during the second flight. After that she was still fussy, but eventually went to sleep. When we arrived home, I changed her diapers and she had another load in there. I felt terrible to have had waited so long to change her.

It is great to be back home. Lilli now understands the difference between day and night and goes right back to sleep after we feed her her bottle during the night. The first few nights home she decided at 4 a.m. that it was playtime and Daddy had to play with her for an hour...

She has met already some of our friends and neighbors here. Everybody loves her and tells us how sweet she looks with her head full of hair. She even already had two playdates. One with our friend's daughter on Monday and one today with the twins of some other friends. The twins were so tiny compared to her. They are 16 days older than she is, but they look so much tinier. Lillian has already outgrown the newborn onesies we had received from some of our friends. She is wearing 0-3 months clothing now...

On Monday night her belly button fell off. It was time, because that thing smelled really rotten. We have saved it so far, because I can't bring myself to throw it out yet. What have you guys done with yours???

Yesterday we had a little shopping trip to Target and Babies R us. We bought a little bath tub and gave Lilli her first bath. She seems to like it much better than the sponge bath we usually give her in the mornings.

Lilli also has started to smile occasionally. But I know that she is not yet doing it consciously. It is still very nice to see her smile. It makes my heart melt.

She loves her little playmat. When we put her underneath she gets so excited that she eventually spits up from excitement. But she loves moving the little animals and things that hang from up there. And she understands that she can move them with her hand. Off course we have the smartest baby in the world. :-)

Tomorrow she will have her first doctor's appointment. We are very excited. Two friends and my mother have recommended we write everything down we want to know. We will do that tonight.

I am surprised how fast and how easy the transition to parenthood was. It feels like we have made bottles forever and changed diapers forever.

My dear husband and I are still debating how to write Lilli. Lilly, Lili, Lilli, there are so many possibilities. I was writing it first with a y, but for some reason I like it better with an i at the end now.. Any suggestions?

ICPC clearance

We received ICPC clearance this morning and just signed all the necessary paperwork at the agency. That means we are ready to fly back home. Yeah!!! We can't wait to be back and introduce Lillian to all our friends and family and are very excited that we won't even have to change our flights.

This week here has been great. Bonding with her has not been an issue at all. It feels like we have been taking care of her forever. And we love to do it. Sometimes we just stare at her while she is sleeping and are utterly amazed how lucky and how blessed we are with her. We are so proud to be her parents. Even at the agency they admitted that she is the most adorable baby they have ever placed. :-)

We basically spent a family vacation here. Everyday we went somewhere else and did something fun. Lilly is so easy going, it has been no problem to take her everywhere. She went to a State Park with us, shopping, to a library, etc.

Lilly sleeps most of the time and only wakes up for her feeding. And if she wakes up, she usually wants to eat. It is her favorite thing to do. Afterwards she has this milk coma look on her face and it is just the cutest thing.

Because I am not breastfeeding (that would have been to much stress after all), it is really easy to prepare her bottles. I always thought babies needed warm bottles, but they don't. They drink formula at whatever temperature they are used to. We just pour the water in the formula, shake it, press out the air bottles, and she is good to go. My dh has started calling her formula "Baby crack".

I know that you all would like to see more pictures. So here they come. The first one shows Daddy feeding his little princess and the second one is her in her cute little Outfit.

Lilly reloaded

Last night I let husband sleep a couple of hours and fed her at 2:30 and 5:00 a.m. She was really nice because after every feeding she went straight back to sleep. This morning she slept really long. We had to wake her up to get her ready for her visit.

Today we went to the agency to meet with some people. Lilly behaved like a little angel. She slept nearly the whole time, woke up to take her bottle, went back to sleep after a little while. She also made that funny snoring noise when she is hungry and everybody was laughing about it. When this little girl is hungry she gets so excited, she makes these cute snoring kind of noises. And she can scream. Loud!

The nurses in the hospital had told us to burp her in between a feeding. Sometimes it is not possible, she gets really mad if you take her bottle away. We can already see that she has a strong personality.

Tonight we had a little diaper explosion. Lilly was so thirsty all day and drank every 1,5 to 2 hours. She even had 4 ounces of milk in an hour... Later I heard a noise that sounded like a little explosion. And it was. It took us numerous wet wipes, two people, and one towel to clean up that mess. 15 minutes later Lilly reloaded. Same story. But she started peeing while we were cleaning her this time. We are slowly running out of clothing...

I love Lillian so much. It has been just a couple of days, but it feels like she just belongs to our family. We love to take care of her and really enjoy getting to know her... And I love to see my husband in his new role as a father. He is doing amazing...

Another sleepless night later

As I am writing this my wonderful husband is carrying around our beautiful daughter. She finally pooped last night at 11:30 p.m. What a relief. Her system is working...

We even took a little tour with her yesterday. A nice drive in the car, lunch in the mountains, a stroll through the market. She had eaten at 11:00 a.m. and we wanted to wait in the restaurant for her to wake up.... Of course she didn't. She slept the whole time until we were back in the car on the way home when she decided to wake up and eat.

Just as I was writing this Lillian decided that her Mommy shouldn't have any reason to be concerned about her poop - and loaded another diaper. And drank another 2 ounces of formula. She basically has been hungry nearly every hour. We are operating on minimal sleep here, but I treasure every single second with her. Thanks for the comment on the sign. I hadn't even thought about her sign before. She is a leo and we can already see her strong personality...

When we first got her, I didn't automatically feel like a Mommy. It felt a little like babysitting first. In the meantime we have realized that we have never babysitted anyone for that long and that we get to keep her. We are bonding great and I can't even describe how much I love her already. She didn't grow in my belly, she grew in our hearts.

I realize how my posts changed in a single week. From crazy infertile to discussions on poopy diapers. I am now beginning to understand how the infertility wound can heal. The times when I thought about infertility all day long are gone. It is all about Lillian now.

First night home

As I am writing this the rest of my family is still asleep. Mommy didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Lillian drank a bottle at half past eight and then she was basically asleep until 1 am. But she sometimes made funny little noises like she was about to cry and then she went back to sleep until about 2:30 a.m. Then she was awake and wanted Mommy to take care of her and carry her around for an hour.

She had another bottle (from Daddy this time) around 3:40 a.m., but didn't really like to go back to sleep for a longer time after that. So I ended up sleeping with her in my arms for a while on the second bed. Lilly loves her pacifier and likes to spit it out all the time - it is a fun game, because when she starts crying I am putting it right back in.

She then had another bottle at 7:00 a.m. and has been asleep since then. I had hope to catch up on some sleep, but my Dad (who is fortunately back from the hospital) called at 7:30 a.m this morning. He knows about the time difference, but he probably thought we were going to be awake anyway. He is such a proud grandfather now and is telling everybody about Lillian.

He reminded me of something I nearly had forgotten. On July 25, the day after she was born, was my grandfather's birthday. He died when I was just eleven years old, so I never got to experience him a lot. And today is my grandmother's birthday. She died in 1991. It is like between those birthdays they have sent Lillian from heaven.

Now I have a question for all the experienced Mommies out there. How often do babies poop a day? Lilli has pooped only once so far and a lot of the times when we wanted to change her diaper there was nothing in there, not even pee. I am wondering whether that means she will have an explosion in her diaper later today. Any advice?

Gotcha day

Lillian is finally with us. As I am writing this she is sucking her pacifier and making little noises here and there.

We picked her up from the hospital and gave her our first bottle and my DH changed her first poopy diaper (that was an easy one, the second of course, for me, had a little surprise in it). We then drove to the supermarket to get some formula.

We are trying to get her on an EASY (Eating, Activity, Sleeping, You) schedule and so far it seems to work. Her wonderful Daddy did a great job quieting her down and to get her to sleep. Our life here is now centered all around Lilli. I can't describe how I feel. It is amazing to be a Mommy. We are still getting used to each other, but so far it has been wonderful. Courtney left a comment about my scar being able to heal. And it will.

All of you that are still waiting for your little miracle. It is well worth the wait.

And here is finally the picture you all have been waiting for.



Isn't she cute?

We are family!!!!

Thank you all so much for all your supportive comments, prayers, and good thoughts. In midst of all the mixed emotions they always put a smile on my face when I read them on my Crackberry. It has been wonderful to know that so many of you have been thinking about and praying for us.

After the birthmother has signed relinquishments yesterday our daugther belongs forever to us. LILLIAN ALEXIS AUDRY is now officially part of our family. We are going to pick her up in a couple of hours at the hospital. And then we will try to be the best parents we can be for her. On a little detour to Babies R us we stocked up on diapers yesterday to be prepared. We couldn't find the formula that the hospital recommended so we have to ask them where we can get it.

I will try to post a picture later today.

But while we are overjoyed, I know that the joy of our family comes with a high price - the pain of the birthmother. I can't imagine what she must be going through. It would be wonderful if you could continue uplift her in your prayers.

She is so cute!!!

We saw our daughter this morning. She is absolutely cute and adorable. We were holding her. She was so tired, she didn't even open her eyes for us, yet.

We met with the birthmother. She is so nice and wonderful and I can't imagine what she must be going through right now. She is giving us the greatest present of our lives and it is linked with so much sadness for her. After meeting the birthmother I feel a little more at peace, but we will need to wait a couple of hours until our daughter really belongs to our family.

We do have a name picked out, but I will wait to share it here for a little while until she is really ours.

We will drive back to the hospital this afternoon. Tomorrow they will be discharged from the hospital and then our little one will be with us.

She is here...

Thank you all so much for your good wishes. I am updating from the airport in Houston while we are waiting to board our next flight (late- of course).

The baby was born in the afternoon. 21 Inches and a whopping 8 pounds 4 ounces. She scored great on the Apgar. We won't be able to see her when we arrive. Hopefully the birthmother is signing relinquishment tomorrow afternoon... We are torn between joy, excitement, and fear.

Water Broke

I had a feeling it could happen today, but was not really expecting it yet. We are heading out this afternoon and arrive late at night. I am very excited and nervous, but also completely stressed out right now. I am terrified that she might change her mind. I will keep you updated. Oh, and it is a girl this time. Please pray for the mother, the baby, and us.

Big Baby

The agency called us. Our birthmother had an ultrasound yesterday. The baby can come any day now and it will be a big baby... 8 to 9 pounds they think. Maybe I need more of the bigger clothes and we should leave the small clothes at home. They will call us as soon as she is in labor. I pray that she is at peace with her decision.

It is starting to sink in. We might have a baby soon!!! I am so excited.

Yesterday our neighbors and friends came over to congratulate us. The offered to help us with anything we would need. I feel so blessed by everybody around us. Everybody has offered help in some form or another.

I can't wait for this baby to come. I'd rather be on an airplane right now. But I have a test on Friday, my final language exam. Hopefully I will be able to master that. Then I am ready for this baby to come. How about Saturday? Sunday would be fine, too. Just soon. PLEASE!!!

We have been waiting for more than three years to add to our family. Now I feel like a child waiting for Christmas and birthday together. And I remember how long the times between those dates were. Now I am amazed every year that Christmas is around the corner. Tomorrow in 5 months is Christmas Eve, guys....

The good news keep on coming!

Thank you for all your comments and congratulation wishes. I really hope this time it is for real. I don't know what do to if we have to endure another loss.

My Dad had to go back to the hospital today, because he was coughing up more blood from his lung. I was very scared and thought that this might mean that the tumor has increased in size. Guess what. I haven't talked to my Mom yet, but she left me a message telling me that the tumor has shrunk in size - substantially. I can't tell you how relieved I am. Thank you for including him in your thoughts and prayers.

On Saturday after church our friend assembled some people to pray for us and the adoption. I asked them to include my Dad in their prayers as well. I first didn't want it because I didn't even know the people that prayed for us. I don't really like to be exposed as an infertile in front of people that I don't know. When you tell people you are adopting there is always this elephant in the room - the infertile one. Nobody wants to ask you, but you can understand that people are wondering why you would choose that path instead of having biological children first. It might just be my personal impression, but while people react excited about adoption there still is this unspoken question I can see forming in their minds. But the lady spoke wonderfully. She did an amazing job and it made me ease up. I feel so blessed by the Lord right now.

Yesterday we went out to look for a car. We ended up buying a brand-new car. A couple of weeks ago when we had first looked at cars we found the same model from 2005 with 40.000 miles for $18.000. We ended up walking away from the deal because they didn't offer us enough for our car. I am so glad we did. It felt like loosing at the time, but I didn't like the car dealership in the first place. Needless to say that we went to a different dealer this time. I love living here with all the choices you have... We actually ended up getting a new car for only about $2.000 more.

I also just got off the phone with our new pediatrician. He was recommended to me by a friend. The practice administrator is an adoptive Mom herself and was very excited to hear more about our adoption and is looking forward to meeting our family. All the doctors have experience with adopted children. We will call them once the baby is born and schedule an appointment.

In addition I talked to a travel agency. It sounds like the emergency flight rule applies only in case of death of a family member. So we will just wait for the agency to call us once the birthmother is in labor.

Picked

We received another call yesterday. A birthmother we were presented to thinks that we should be the parents of her baby. She is due next week-end. Holy ****!!! We are thrilled! This time I feel for several reasons saver with the situation.

Now I need the advice of those of you who have already adopted. When you had to fly to another state for the birth, how did you book your flights? Did you book them in advance and then just change the date? Or do short notice flights from adoptive parents fall under the emergency flight rule? What did you do? Hubby thought we should drive to save some money, but I think with a little support from my MIL I convinced him that a 2.000 mile car ride with a newborn might not be as much fun as he thought...

College friends

This week I received an email from a college friend of mine. We lived together for a year, then she headed to the U.S. and I headed to Italy and we kind of lost track of each other. Remember, it was the pre-email and pre-blog time. Wow, what a difference a couple of years make...

I found her again on an internet network three years ago. We emailed once back and forth and she sent me a picture when she had just had her first child, a daughter. After that I didn't really hear from her any more. She probably had her hands full. I didn't imagine how full.

I sent her an email a couple of weeks ago just to see how she was doing. I was a little disappointed that I didn't hear from her, but sometimes it just takes a while to get back to people - and I understand that completely. But two days ago I received an email from her. She not only has two children in the meantime, she is expecting her third. I am sure she is a wonderful mom!

But there it was again, this little sting in my heart. Why her? Why not me? In college we were best friends, we spend so much time together. I am amazed how our paths crossed at that time, how they went parallel for a while and how they diverged again... Now she is living a completely different life than I do. I wonder how it would be to walk in her shoes for a day. I would love to do it and see how it is to be a mom. We can see it with our friends, but it is not the same like experiencing it personally.

In addition, I am in a new class at school and there is a pregnant woman in my class. At first I was scared by the idea, but I have to admit she is really nice. I sometimes catch myself staring at her belly wondering whether I can see her baby move and hope she hasn't noticed it yet. I am so amazed by the miracle of non-fertility treatment human reproduction.

God's will

Check out this article.. It is written very nicely. But look at the comments. The paper has deleted one comment from McNasty already. I remember it said something along the lines that it probably is God's will that those people are infertile and they shouldn't even try to get pregnant.

I am struggling very much if I read something like that. Should we just leave everything to God? Infertility is a disease. When we have any other disease we go see a doctor to cure it, if it is possible. How is it God's will, when mothers or fathers kill their children? Is it God's will that drug-addicted mothers never seem to have any infertility issues? How dare these people that wrote this nasty comment tell other people how they should live their life? They have never experienced infertility and the pain that comes with it. How can they judge other people for the ways they choose to build their families?

I am personally offended and struggling especially because I am wondering if it is God's will that we won't have children. How could he put such a strong longing and desire to be a mommy in my heart if he wants me to live child-free?

It would be great if you all could leave a comment on the newspapers page to show that there is a huge support out there for a family's decision to pursue fertility treatments.

On black and white...

We were presented again to another birth mother. Together with 14 other adoptive families. 14? Yes, that many. We didn't really think we had a chance there. The baby had been born on June 22. It was white. While for a black baby you have probably between 3 and 4 adoptive families, for white babies the ratio is 1 to 15.

I don't critic anybody that has decided to adopt a baby that has the same color as the adoptive parents. I am sure it will make life a little easier as the color is not a factor that sticks out so much that people will ask you about it. They might just assume this is your biological child. It is a decision that every family has to take by themselves.

Our family will very likely have many different colors. I am white, my husband is half Asian, our child will were likely be at least partially black. But we would welcome a baby of any color into our family. But I am sure that it will raise additional questions and it will require additional empowerment for our child. We have to give him/her the tools to respond to intrusive questions in a way that will protect him or her. But there are things I won't be able to explain to the child. I don't know what it means to be black. Therefore we will need role models of the same color in our child's life.

We were presented to that particular situation, but the mother decided to parent the little boy.

A couple of weeks ago we went to a BBQ. We met an adoptive family there with two beautiful girls. The parents were white, one girl was black and the other girl was asian. Immediately when I saw them, I just assumed that they were an adoptive family and I really wanted to talk to them. The mother was very friendly. She told me that she had lost two babies during the pregnancy and that is when they decided to move on to adoption. They were matched with a little boy and had him for a couple of days. Then the birthmother decided to parent and they had to give him back. But a day later they were matched with their daughter. When their daughter asked them why she was black and her mother white, her mother told her that she couldn't grow babies in her tummy. That is why they had asked the birthmother whether they could raise the baby that she couldn't take care of. And as a present to the baby, the birthmother has given her this beautiful color. The daughter seemed happy with that explanation...

Jealous instead of joyous

Our friends just had two wonderful perfect baby twins in addition to their adorable two year old. I congratulated them, but I found it so hard to be joyous, because deep inside I was just jealous. Of course I don't want them to see this bitter side of me which I don't like at all.

I am jealous that they can have so easily what seems so difficult, far, and unreachable for us right now. And then double the luck!

I don't even know how it is possible that people conceive naturally. Well in theory I know, but it seems to be such a difficult thing to happen. Everything has to be perfect with the timing. The right sperm has to find the right egg. It seems like such a big miracle and wonder to me how it actually happens to people. In the infertility community natural conception seems like such a rare thing to happen. We take drugs, time intercourse, have tubes inserted in us, have surgeries to have our eggs taken out and put back in after they were united in a petri dish with the sperm.

I sometimes catch myself looking at pregnant women (they are all over the place these days) and wondering how they got so lucky to conceive without going through all this struggle. I am personally surprised that humankind has survived so far.

The agency presented us to another birthmother last week. The baby is already born and she was trying to make a decision. She was looking at 15 profiles, so I didn't really think our chances were very high. But this week we found out that they have not been able to contact her any more...

And as we are counting down the days until our departure date in September, I am very concerned that this adoption will happen before we leave. I am terrified we will never be parents. That fear is leaving me very restless recently.

A fellow blogger, Karen, had the worst thing for an adoptive family happen to her. The birthparents decided to keep the baby after they already had the baby for a couple of days. I can't imagine how much she must be hurting. I am really glad that it happened to us before the baby was born. At least we hadn't met him yet, Even if we had started to love him the day we had learned about his existence.

Adoption as a pregnancy enhancement?

Remember how when you first started telling people that you adopt? Remember all those stories of all those people they knew that that once they had adopted got pregnant on their own. Remember how it sounded like the children you would adopt were only second best choice? Remember how you told those people that this was not the reason why you decided to adopt? Remember that you read somewhere that it only happens for 5% of all people that have adopted? Remember how often you heard that story? Can it only be 5%?

Well, it does happen indeed. Dave and his wife are pregnant. Congratulations!!! It is amazing!

Dave is actually not the only one it happened to. There is a really nice couple I know that have adopted because they had tried for four years to have a baby. The woman was already 42(!) when she got pregnant.

So my question is: what is wrong, what is right? Only 5% or does it happen all the time? Or do the people it happens to just talk about it a lot while people it doesn't happen to just don't talk about it. Or does caring for a newborn change the composition of the hormones in you body which leads to greater probability of becoming pregnant? I don't know. But I know that nobody I know adopts as a pregnancy enhancement. We adopt because we want kids...

What a difference a couple of years make

Today is our 3 year church wedding anniversary. I can't believe it has been that long. Three years ago I was full of joy, hope, and expectations of becoming a mother soon. I had my whole life been on the sunny side, why should that change any time. I always viewed the glass as half full, not half empty. It could be only a matter of months until we would hold our baby in our arms, right? Little did we know.

36 months later. 40 periods ended every hope I was harbouring about being pregnant. Every single months another disappointment. The last three years have been so hard. We had a stroke (my dad), endometriosis, 2 surgeries, 3 IVFs, 1 IUI, 2 miscarriages, breast cancer (my MIL), lung cancer (my dad) and two failed adoptions, even if my hubby might dispute latter.

In all this time I had my best friend on my side. He has cared for me like a nurse when I had my medical procedures. He always has to listen to all my crap. He supported me through the whole time and was just the best husband anyone could ever imagine. He has suffered, but he has never, not even once doubted our love. And even when I feel like the worst wife, like a failure as a woman, he has been there. I had never dreamed of finding anyone like him. I couldn't have picked a better husband.

Happy Anniversary, Honey!!! Now it is time for the good times to start. We had enough bad things happen. Hopefully next year we will be able to celebrate with our daughter/son in CCS as a family. And celebrate we will!

Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of my last pregnancy. One year ago I was hoping for a positive test. I prayed and hoped. I didn't think the HCG level would be only 9 and that I would loose it before it even had time to implant properly...

While I write this, I had a hard time, remembering the right name. Was it HCG, FSH, HSG? There are so many abbreviations with fertility treatments. A year ago, I didn't even have to think about it. I knew them all. This year I can barely remember what the pregnancy hormone's name is... What a difference a year makes.

Last year after the miscarriage we decided to pursue adoption. Here are, nearly a year later. Still no baby, but at least we are moving in the right direction. We have a completed home study and we are waiting for it to happen. And it will. The question is not if, but when.

But I know one thing for sure. Infertility has changed me. Infertility has robbed me of my innocence. My focus and my outlook on life have shifted. What a difference a couple of years make.

Better

Thank you for your comments, your prayers, and good thoughts. My brother called around 5 a.m. this morning. My Dad is doing much better today. It sounds like the fever went down and he is out of the woods for now.I even got to talk to him. He sounded a little tired and couldn't understand me well, but that might have been just a bad connection. I at least got to tell him how much I love him and that we were all very worried about him.

I have decided not to fly there right now. He will have more health crisis in the future as the cancer is getting worse and I won't be able to be there all the time. But I am very grateful and thankful today.

LJ, we are still on for coffee. I am looking forward to seeing you.

NOOOOOO!!!

I just talked to my family. My dad has an infection in his lung. The doctor said we have to consider the worst. I am considering to fly there asap. I can't take it any more!!!

One day at a time...

That is how I am trying to take it right now. The weekend was really hard and I cried a lot. I felt like we lost a family member. It hurt that much.

On Saturday we met a family with two adopted girls. The mother understood me so well. We were like sisters in suffering. She was 40, when she adopted her first daughter and 43 with the second. We were introduced to someone that works with the foster system. I sent her an email today and hope to hear back from her about some contacts. You never know...

We talked to the agency today and spoke about our concerns with the time frame we are facing. We only have two months left before we leave the country. They understand our problems and will hopefully get back to us with some other suggestions. But we don't know when and that is driving me crazy... My old impatience is coming back.

It is just so hard. I allowed myself to get excited and that made me so vulnerable. I was so looking forward to August 10. Counting the days in my schedule. Ripping up silly paper chain links. Now we can start all over again. We know that it will happen, but we don't know when. I don't want to be vulnerable again, but I don't want to live the rest of my life without getting excited either.

We had to pick up some more baby stuff at our friends house yesterday and it felt so wrong picking up stuff for a baby that doesn't exist. Now we have tons of boys clothes in our house and can easily survive the first three months. If we get matched with a baby girl, she will have to wear tons of blue clothes. But that is okay. I'd rather have a girl wearing blue clothes than blue clothes without a baby to wear them.

Devastated

Yesterday at the airport I had a call from the agency. I called them back right away. The birthmother hasn't returned any of their phone calls for more than a week. They believe these are some red flags and have asked us whether we would like to be presented to other birthmothers. I said yes.

As you can imagine I am devastated. While our house now holds an assembly of donated baby items for a prospective baby, our dreams of becoming parents are on hold. I feel like we have wasted the time from April to June to be presented to other birthmothers while we were waiting on an update from this one.

I feel like we will never be parents. What if the next birthmother changes her mind as well?

Update on my dad

While I am waiting to be picked up to go to the airport, I wanted to give you a quick update on my dad. I finally just talked to one of his doctors. I tried to do this for a while, but I delayed it because of the problem with the time difference and because I was scared for what I might hear.

Until last week I thought they had destroyed the tumor with a laser, but last week my mom told me that the tumor was sitting on the Aorta and they couldn't operate it. It is so difficult to deal with loved ones in such a situation. I never received all the information I was looking for. When I asked for the size of the tumor, my mom didn't know. She hadn't asked.

The doctor today told me how my parents talk about their daughter in the US all the time. She informed me that the tumor has spread to the lymph nodes, but fortunately there are no metastasis in the liver or the lung yet. It is not a small celled tumor and the stage is T 4 which means it is the worst and most critic. It is a big tumor it sounds like. Through the chemotherapy and the radiation he has been receiving they were able to shrink the tumor a little.

But she told me that his cancer is not curable. She also recommended to go see him for Christmas because it could be the last Christmas that we will be spending together as a family.

I am sad. I will loose my dad in the next year or two. I never thought that would happen so early. I am not ready for this to happen. Even as I sit here and write, tears are streaming down my cheeks. The thing that makes me sad most is that he will not have the time and not be able to see his grandchildren grow up. They will not be able to develop this special relationship I had with my grandfather for 25 years.

When we went camping last week-end I saw these grandfathers with their grandchildren. One of them was proudly wearing a T-Shirt that said "World's Best Grandfather". It broke my heart because I thought how my father will never be able to experience doing something fun with his grandchildren. Daddy, I love you so much. I have always looked up to you and always was your little girl. You encouraged me all my life to follow my career. I owe you so much. You are always in my thoughts and prayers and in my heart.

Tagged and MIA

I have been tagged by Dave and before I head out, I'm just gonna answer really quick.

1. What did you do 10 years ago?

I worked in an election campaign and was about to finish my studies. I got engaged, but never married the guy. We just realized that we were not a match made in heaven...

2. Five things from your ‘to do’ list?

- Get the baby's room ready
- Clean out our house
- Go through my books to see what I can leave here and what I'll take
- Rent our house
- Move


3. Favorite snacks?

- Guacamole and Chips
- Spinach Artichoke dip

4. What would you do if you were a millionaire?

- adopt tons of kids (Angelina and Brad, we'll get you) and also find other ways to enlarge our family (maybe we'll find a surrogate, do donor eggs, IVF, or all of it)
- donate to charity
- buy a nice house


5. Places where you’ve lived?

- Berlin, Germany
- Padua, Italy
- Washington, D.C.
- Virginia

Now I tag: A little Sweetness, Taking the statistical bullet, LJ, Here's to Hope, and Hopefully Hoping.

Traveling

Thank you all so much for your input on breastmilk. I thought that was really informative and will try to see whether I can find some around here. At least for a couple of days to mix with the formula... But I think I have decided that trying to breastfeed myself will be to much of a hassle. Formula it is for our baby...

We are going camping this weekend with our church small group. I am very excited and have to head out. A friend is coming in a little bit and I still need to finish packing, pick up hubby, and then we go..

Next week I am heading out to Mexico for work for a couple of days. Hopefully I will be able to practice my Spanish a little bit. At least that way time is passing a little faster. I'll try to post as soon as possible.

No, I didn't!

Hubby and I talked about the breastfeeding thing yesterday and we both agree that we are not very excited about the medication aspect. The perspective of investing a lot of time and effort in something that might not even work, doesn't sound too appealing to us right now. In addition, my friend who just had a baby, told me that if she is stressed breastfeeding is even more difficult. Besides the adjustment of having a brand new baby in the house in a little bit more than 53 (!) days, I will probably be completely stressed out about our upcoming move and how to get everything packed and organized. Furthermore, I don't think I will be able to make time 6 times a day for 30 minutes to stimulate my breast now. Besides school and work, I don't know where to take the time from. But I am still thinking about using the lact-aid once the baby is here to see whether I can stimulate my breast to produce at least some milk.

Someone also had told me that you can get breastmilk in hospitals sometimes. Maybe that would be an option. Then we could get the baby something good without having to go through all the struggle. It sounds like there are even so-called milkbanks. I wonder whether there is one around here. I have to do some research on the hospitals to figure out whether buying some breastmilk would be an option. Anyone knows someone who wants to sell some breastmilk? Just kidding...

My mom called me today. I think it was her bad conscience after our unpleasant phone conversation last weekend. She was really trying to be nice. And then it happened: I told her that I was considering breastfeeding. And her reaction was completely averse to it. I was really surprised about that. She argued about what I had put my body already through and all. I mentioned that I wanted to do what was best for our baby. I also told her that one of the reasons was that this was maybe the closest I might ever get to having my body do what it is supposed to do. At least if I never get pregnant again. She said that it would be so difficult and everything. I then said: "Yeah, but you also breastfed me when I was a baby." And she's like: "No, I didn't!"

That came as a complete shock to me. For all of my life I thought that I was breastfed. My mom then told me that she tried it with my brother and it didn't work, so she gave it up. At that time they were not very supportive in the hospital of breastfeeding and a thing like a lactation consultant didn't even exist. After she had given birth to me, they told her in the hospital that she shouldn't even try it. It would not be worth it... How times change...

Now I am just shocked that I didn't know it. I don't judge her for not breastfeeding me. I am just stunned that we never talked about it.

54 days to go

Yesterday I saved us $70 by scheduling a telephone conversation with a lactation consultant instead of an appointment. I'll save all of you interested in the subject the fee for the telephone consult and will try to repeat what she said. We talked to her and asked her about the process to induce lactation.

First she first that while a lot of adoptive mothers are thinking about it, in the end only about 50% go on to breastfeed. Some of those try it for a week and are pretty frustrated if it doesn't work out and end up not breastfeeding at all. Only about 1 in 10 adoptive mothers can breastfeed exclusively and don't have to supplement with formula. Normally these are the women who have breastfed a baby before.

She recommended to get a breast exam first. The next thing would be to go asap on the pill for a couple of weeks to produce more breast milk. And then she talked about a drug called Domperidone (Motillium). It is not FDA approved and difficult to get in the US and very expensive here ($160). But she thinks it works really well. I would have to take it about 4 weeks before the baby's birth.

She also recommended I rent a breast pump from them for two months and try to start pumping 6(!) times a day for 30 minutes. But she also said that some women are not producing any milk at all and if an adoptive mom produces 2 ounces a day, she can be lucky. She said Babies drink about 24 ounces a day once they are about a month old.

At the beginning I could also use a lact-aid to stimulate lactation. Of course she wanted me to come in and have several consultations with her to get started.

How do I feel about all of this? It sounds like it is a lot of work for an outcome that is doubtable. I don't know whether I would like to start pumping my body full of medication after all the fertility treatments last year. I am still thinking about it, but I might just end up renting a pump and getting the lact-aid and see where this is going...

I talked to my hubby about the blog yesterday. He had never read it before and I showed it to him. He suggested that his mother might be very interested in this blog and I should invite her to read it. I am very sorry, honey, but I don't want to discuss any of this with your mom.