Another thing to cross of the list

Yesterday morning we had the doctor's appointment with my RE for the adoption forms. Of course, they didn't have the test results from November from me, so I had to do it all over. We even did our TB test there. Tomorrow the results should be in and I will pick them up.
I also asked the doctor about my FSH level. He didn't seem too concerned as they are fluctuating. He told us the story of him being new in town many years ago. At that time most doctors wouldn't accept patients with high FSH levels. Because he was new, he had to accept them in order to generate some business. And he would see these patients get pregnant. I asked about the AMH test. AMH stands for Anti-Malaria-Hormone which is produced by the follicles. It is assumed that they would produce less if the ovarian reserve is limited. But what does it mean?

My RE doesn't think that all those levels indicate whether we can have children or not. But he was pretty sure that because I have had elevated FSH levels twice, I am more likely to start menopause earlier than the average woman. So instead of 51-53, it could be two years earlier or 10 years earlier. He doesn't know.

Hubbie is doing his fingerprints tomorrow. His employment letter arrived in the mail yesterday. Tomorrow afternoon we will mail all the paperwork we have collected so far to the agency.

And hubbie will work on his biography over Christmas. I can already see that won't be happening as we are going to North Carolina to see his family. We will spend our time with them and there won't be time to do the biography... We'll see. Hopefully before New Year's eve.

I called one adoption agency in Texas, but they haven't called me back yet. I also send them an email asking about how many families they have currently waiting and how many placements they do on average in a year. They wrote me back that I can find all their information on their homepage. I guess they don't want us as clients.

Because it was so much fun to do all this paperwork, I actually started to fill out the forms to apply for the U.S. citizenship.

On a different note: Homer is gone. I noticed that he wasn't at this usual bench for a couple of weeks now. His stuff was still there, so I wasn't too concerned first. I thought he must have just gone to get a coffee or something. When I didn't see him for a couple of days, I began to worry. Then one morning last week, I walked through the park and saw another homeless guy standing next to Homer's bench and stuff. I asked him whether he knew what had happened to Homer. And he told me was taking care of Homer's stuff and that he wasn't sure that Homer was still alive or not. He had been taken to the hospital because of the cold. I was shocked. I asked whether he knew his last name and of course, he didn't know it. And then I asked which hospital he should be in. He told me that he should be in George Washington Hospital a few blocks from here.

When I got to the office, I called GW Hospital to find out whether they could tell me something about Homer. Without a last name, there was no chance that he could be found they told me. I really wish I could visit him and see how he is doing. I am sure he doesn't have any visitors coming. I assume that being in the hospital, lying in a bed and getting served three meals a day is way better than to live in a park, especially when the weather is in the low 40ies. But I pray that he is doing alright. I miss him on my way to the Metro after work.

Faster than expected...

... came the end of our second IUI. I don't even know where to begin. AF arrived on Saturday and I went in for a day three blood test this morning. I just called the nurse. My FSH level is 26,6 (which is post menopausal according to her). So stimulation wouldn't work and we can't do anything this month. Which means our infertility journey has come to an end for now. Next month we don't have an insurance that would cover IUI and we haven't fulfilled our deductible, so we'll have to pause. I don't understand. My eggs seem to be broken. Why? I am only 33 years old.

The doctor wants me to come in for a consultation meeting next week. I will ask him about the AMH level which seems to be more realistic. I had had a higher FSH level once before, but it went down again in the month to follow. But that doesn't really help us in our quest to do one more IUI before the end of the year. So I guess, we have to accept that we are at a point where we have to build our family through another way. Time to call the lady from the agency and schedule the intake meeting.

The pre-adoption group on Saturday went well. It was great to talk to other couples that are going through the same struggles. We focused on attachment, trans-racial adoption, etc. They also had a birth mother, a teenage adoptee and adoptive parents speak. Especially the birth mother left a lasting impression. It was incredible how much love and thought she put into the whole process. She really wants kids with her boy-friend, but they just weren't in a place where they could provide for the baby. The boy-friend came with her for support and we were impressed how brave they were to come and talk to us about their adoption. She was adopted herself and didn't have a good experience growing up. Her adoptive family wanted her to do an abortion. They told her that they wanted her to move out when she made the decision to keep the baby.

On the way home I realized how terrified I am that my parents will have a hard time to realize that it will be the end of their genealogical line. I haven't talked to my dad about the adoption yet, because I don't want him to worry about me. His health is not very good and I thought, I would tell him once we are further in the process, but I believe I can't protect him by this. I guess I have to share our infertility struggles with him.

My Mom knows about our struggle. But I wouldn't call her super-supportive. She knows how much I hurt, but all she says about adoption is that she can't give us any advice. I wish she would just say, it is o.k. to build your family through adoption. I wish she would just say how much she is looking forward to meeting her adopted grandchild. I told her about the pre adoption group and that we had covered trans-racial adoption. And she answered: "So, you want a black baby?". I told her that we would take any baby we could get. It wouldn't matter whether it is black, white, yellow or green. We are already a bi-racial and bi-cultural couple so why not add more diversity to our family? The only thing she said was that I shouldn't believe that it is going to be easy with an adopted child. Thank you Mom. Great support! I think she is overwhelmed and doesn't know how to handle the situation. Welcome to the club, Mom!!!