... came the end of our second IUI. I don't even know where to begin. AF arrived on Saturday and I went in for a day three blood test this morning. I just called the nurse. My FSH level is 26,6 (which is post menopausal according to her). So stimulation wouldn't work and we can't do anything this month. Which means our infertility journey has come to an end for now. Next month we don't have an insurance that would cover IUI and we haven't fulfilled our deductible, so we'll have to pause. I don't understand. My eggs seem to be broken. Why? I am only 33 years old.
The doctor wants me to come in for a consultation meeting next week. I will ask him about the AMH level which seems to be more realistic. I had had a higher FSH level once before, but it went down again in the month to follow. But that doesn't really help us in our quest to do one more IUI before the end of the year. So I guess, we have to accept that we are at a point where we have to build our family through another way. Time to call the lady from the agency and schedule the intake meeting.
The pre-adoption group on Saturday went well. It was great to talk to other couples that are going through the same struggles. We focused on attachment, trans-racial adoption, etc. They also had a birth mother, a teenage adoptee and adoptive parents speak. Especially the birth mother left a lasting impression. It was incredible how much love and thought she put into the whole process. She really wants kids with her boy-friend, but they just weren't in a place where they could provide for the baby. The boy-friend came with her for support and we were impressed how brave they were to come and talk to us about their adoption. She was adopted herself and didn't have a good experience growing up. Her adoptive family wanted her to do an abortion. They told her that they wanted her to move out when she made the decision to keep the baby.
On the way home I realized how terrified I am that my parents will have a hard time to realize that it will be the end of their genealogical line. I haven't talked to my dad about the adoption yet, because I don't want him to worry about me. His health is not very good and I thought, I would tell him once we are further in the process, but I believe I can't protect him by this. I guess I have to share our infertility struggles with him.
My Mom knows about our struggle. But I wouldn't call her super-supportive. She knows how much I hurt, but all she says about adoption is that she can't give us any advice. I wish she would just say, it is o.k. to build your family through adoption. I wish she would just say how much she is looking forward to meeting her adopted grandchild. I told her about the pre adoption group and that we had covered trans-racial adoption. And she answered: "So, you want a black baby?". I told her that we would take any baby we could get. It wouldn't matter whether it is black, white, yellow or green. We are already a bi-racial and bi-cultural couple so why not add more diversity to our family? The only thing she said was that I shouldn't believe that it is going to be easy with an adopted child. Thank you Mom. Great support! I think she is overwhelmed and doesn't know how to handle the situation. Welcome to the club, Mom!!!
Monday, December 10, 2007
Friday, December 7, 2007
Negative
I just called the nurse. The result is negative. Now I have to wait until AF arrives and call in there. They will schedule the HSG for me. I want to do one before the next IUI.
I didn't expect anything else than a negative outcome from this IUI really. I would probably have freaked out if it would have been positive. But the negative is yet again another disappointment. I just want to crawl under a rock and not come out before our adoption is through.
I didn't expect anything else than a negative outcome from this IUI really. I would probably have freaked out if it would have been positive. But the negative is yet again another disappointment. I just want to crawl under a rock and not come out before our adoption is through.
Doomsday
Today is doomsday for us. I just went in for my blood test. This time I even talked to another lady in the waiting room. Everybody is always so quiet and nobody talks to each other. I am on a mission to change this.
I am pretty sure it hasn't worked because I think I saw something on the TP this morning (sorry for TMI). I will get the results this afternoon and hope to be able to update you on the outcome this afternoon.
Yesterday we had a friend from Europe in town who stayed with us last night. The poor guy had applied for a job in D.C. and booked his flight after they invited him for an interview. He had to fill out in his application whether he has a visa for the U.S. or not and he put "No" there. They still invited him for the job interview. Well, when he had the interview, they asked him again "Do you have a visa?". He answered "No." Then the woman said that she couldn't continue the interview then because they couldn't sponsor anyone at this point. Are they crazy. I mean, he paid his flight to come to the freaking interview, he gave them the right information ahead that he didn't have a visa and they still invited him to come. He talked with them twice before. Couldn't they ask the visa question on the phone before they have him come over? I organized him a job interview with a friend and I hope that something is gonna work out for him.
When we got home late last night, we found out that he and his girl-friend are also TTC. He already has a teenage son with his Ex-Wife and didn't think anything was wrong with him. But obviously due to his and his girl-friends age that hasn't been so easy either. They started in May and got pregnant, but had a miscarriage two weeks ago in the eighth week of pregnancy. They had already seen the heartbeat of the baby so it must have been very hard for them. We ended up talking for a long time over the pain of infertility. It is surprising how many people are going through this. He was quite glad to be able to talk about it with us, because he doesn't know any other people who are struggling with infertility as well.
I am pretty sure it hasn't worked because I think I saw something on the TP this morning (sorry for TMI). I will get the results this afternoon and hope to be able to update you on the outcome this afternoon.
Yesterday we had a friend from Europe in town who stayed with us last night. The poor guy had applied for a job in D.C. and booked his flight after they invited him for an interview. He had to fill out in his application whether he has a visa for the U.S. or not and he put "No" there. They still invited him for the job interview. Well, when he had the interview, they asked him again "Do you have a visa?". He answered "No." Then the woman said that she couldn't continue the interview then because they couldn't sponsor anyone at this point. Are they crazy. I mean, he paid his flight to come to the freaking interview, he gave them the right information ahead that he didn't have a visa and they still invited him to come. He talked with them twice before. Couldn't they ask the visa question on the phone before they have him come over? I organized him a job interview with a friend and I hope that something is gonna work out for him.
When we got home late last night, we found out that he and his girl-friend are also TTC. He already has a teenage son with his Ex-Wife and didn't think anything was wrong with him. But obviously due to his and his girl-friends age that hasn't been so easy either. They started in May and got pregnant, but had a miscarriage two weeks ago in the eighth week of pregnancy. They had already seen the heartbeat of the baby so it must have been very hard for them. We ended up talking for a long time over the pain of infertility. It is surprising how many people are going through this. He was quite glad to be able to talk about it with us, because he doesn't know any other people who are struggling with infertility as well.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
12dpiui - one more day
Another day down. I just called the doctor's office and I can come in for the blood test tomorrow. The last day I didn't really fell anything except some stomach pain and several times a shooting pain. After all IUI has just a 15% chance to work anyway. So I am preparing myself for another negative. I still haven't POAS.
Yesterday we had mail from the adoption agency. They sent us our homework for Saturday, including several articles to read and a questionnaire to fill out. The questions were on the articles and most were pretty easy, just the last two I didn't understand. I'll have to ask my hubby about it... I didn't think we had to do homework for the agency, but I just see it as another step that brings us hopefully closer to our dream of enlarging our family.
Last night we sat down and decided on our future health insurance. We both had a gut feeling that we wanted to change back to Blue Cross/Blue Shield and after some plan comparison this is exactly what we did. They don't pay any infertility treatment, but we won't need that next year as we are focusing primarily on adoption.
The other thing we did last night, was to get our X-mas decoration down from the attic and spread it all over the house. And hopefully this week-end we will go out and buy a Christmas Tree. I am not used to having a tree up weeks before Christmas. In my family we didn't put the tree up before the 24th of December which is also the evening when we celebrated Christ's birth. Most of the time, it was my dad bringing in the tree from outside and my mom decorating it. I didn't really like decorating the tree, but got dragged into it several times. Since my dad had his stroke that tradition has changed and Christmas at home will never be the same. I am scared to go home for Christmas because it used to be such a great night when I was growing up. It was really special. But now it is just another night and not that special any more. I guess I have to realize that I am an adult now and Christmas with my parents will never be the same.
And Christmas is the time of the year when infertility hurts like crazy. Christmas is supposed the feast of the family. For me it is not any more the symbol of joy and life. For me it is symbolized by grief. I have my family far away from me. And everything that is so special about it, is a constant reminder of our infertility. I just want it to be over with so that we can transit to the next year.
What will 2008 bring for us? Apart from another move overseas? Will we have a child to love next Christmas?
I still remember that my RE told me last year: "We gonna make 2007 a great year for you!" And I believed it. And a year later, here we are: more than 15.000 dollars poorer and even after two miscarriages and three IVFs not one step closer to having a baby in our arms.
Yesterday we had mail from the adoption agency. They sent us our homework for Saturday, including several articles to read and a questionnaire to fill out. The questions were on the articles and most were pretty easy, just the last two I didn't understand. I'll have to ask my hubby about it... I didn't think we had to do homework for the agency, but I just see it as another step that brings us hopefully closer to our dream of enlarging our family.
Last night we sat down and decided on our future health insurance. We both had a gut feeling that we wanted to change back to Blue Cross/Blue Shield and after some plan comparison this is exactly what we did. They don't pay any infertility treatment, but we won't need that next year as we are focusing primarily on adoption.
The other thing we did last night, was to get our X-mas decoration down from the attic and spread it all over the house. And hopefully this week-end we will go out and buy a Christmas Tree. I am not used to having a tree up weeks before Christmas. In my family we didn't put the tree up before the 24th of December which is also the evening when we celebrated Christ's birth. Most of the time, it was my dad bringing in the tree from outside and my mom decorating it. I didn't really like decorating the tree, but got dragged into it several times. Since my dad had his stroke that tradition has changed and Christmas at home will never be the same. I am scared to go home for Christmas because it used to be such a great night when I was growing up. It was really special. But now it is just another night and not that special any more. I guess I have to realize that I am an adult now and Christmas with my parents will never be the same.
And Christmas is the time of the year when infertility hurts like crazy. Christmas is supposed the feast of the family. For me it is not any more the symbol of joy and life. For me it is symbolized by grief. I have my family far away from me. And everything that is so special about it, is a constant reminder of our infertility. I just want it to be over with so that we can transit to the next year.
What will 2008 bring for us? Apart from another move overseas? Will we have a child to love next Christmas?
I still remember that my RE told me last year: "We gonna make 2007 a great year for you!" And I believed it. And a year later, here we are: more than 15.000 dollars poorer and even after two miscarriages and three IVFs not one step closer to having a baby in our arms.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Honey, let's adopt those four...
I should not have complained about not having any symptoms at all. Yesterday I started to get some cramping (like AF is on her way) and have occasional twinges here and there today. Tomorrow I might call the doctor to find out when I can come in for a blood test. Or should I just wait until AF is here? But the progesterone is probably keeping her away for now...
Yesterday night I had a little meltdown. My husband told me about an email from a friend of us. He and his wife just got married last June, but they were separated because of their jobs for a whole year (with occasional visits). They are expecting as well.
I also got an email from another friend with ultrasound pictures to announce their pregnancy. While I am happy for every single one of them, it hurts so much to have to face the fact that so many people don't seem to have any problems.
Oh, and have I mentioned already that I have a cousin who is two years older than me who just had his fifth child last year? I can't keep track any more with the names and ages of all his children and wouldn't be surprised if they had another one soon. His wife is a doctor and they are very catholic.
It is like the whole wide world around us is pregnant, while we have to wait another months until we can finally start the home study process. The agency called yesterday. They have received the check that I mailed them and they'll mail us information on our mandatory pre-adoption class that we have to take. It will be this Saturday. So at least we will be able to get ahead a little bit.
But back to my meltdown. I did some internet research about waiting children and found those four adorable Asian siblings ages 2 years 9 months to age 7 years that are waiting for a forever family.
I took the computer and showed them to my husband and told him, we should adopt them. He was a bit surprised, because I had told him all the time I want a baby. I still want a baby. But I mean, who is going to adopt four children at once? I understand that it might be a bit hard to go from zero to four children in a couple of weeks. We don't have enough bedrooms for four children. And I don't know whether we could managed financially with four children (clothes, school, daycare) and only one income at this point. But I really feel like I would like to adopt a sibling group. Maybe later. I definitely will keep on checking on them. Maybe if they are still available next summer... We might have more room in our new apartment...
But my dh just took me in his arms and listened to me crying about how much the pain of infertility hurts. He is definitely the best husband in the whole wide world because he can stand me!!!
Yesterday night I had a little meltdown. My husband told me about an email from a friend of us. He and his wife just got married last June, but they were separated because of their jobs for a whole year (with occasional visits). They are expecting as well.
I also got an email from another friend with ultrasound pictures to announce their pregnancy. While I am happy for every single one of them, it hurts so much to have to face the fact that so many people don't seem to have any problems.
Oh, and have I mentioned already that I have a cousin who is two years older than me who just had his fifth child last year? I can't keep track any more with the names and ages of all his children and wouldn't be surprised if they had another one soon. His wife is a doctor and they are very catholic.
It is like the whole wide world around us is pregnant, while we have to wait another months until we can finally start the home study process. The agency called yesterday. They have received the check that I mailed them and they'll mail us information on our mandatory pre-adoption class that we have to take. It will be this Saturday. So at least we will be able to get ahead a little bit.
But back to my meltdown. I did some internet research about waiting children and found those four adorable Asian siblings ages 2 years 9 months to age 7 years that are waiting for a forever family.
I took the computer and showed them to my husband and told him, we should adopt them. He was a bit surprised, because I had told him all the time I want a baby. I still want a baby. But I mean, who is going to adopt four children at once? I understand that it might be a bit hard to go from zero to four children in a couple of weeks. We don't have enough bedrooms for four children. And I don't know whether we could managed financially with four children (clothes, school, daycare) and only one income at this point. But I really feel like I would like to adopt a sibling group. Maybe later. I definitely will keep on checking on them. Maybe if they are still available next summer... We might have more room in our new apartment...
But my dh just took me in his arms and listened to me crying about how much the pain of infertility hurts. He is definitely the best husband in the whole wide world because he can stand me!!!
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
10 dpiui
Today I officially reached 10 dpiui. Meghan from A Little Sweetness who is two days ahead of me, tested that day. I won't. The last times when we did IVF I tested ahead of the blood test, I ended up starting to bleed the moment I was doing the test. That day I swore to myself to never do another early test again.
When I talked to my doctor's office last week, they didn't even tell me when I needed to come in for my blood work. So I'll just wait it out. I have no symptoms what so ever even the occasional twinge and the sore boobs are gone. Therefore I already lost hope that it might actually have worked. I also have the wet feeling I have right before AF shows up. My temperature is still up but I know that it comes from the progesterone. So I guess I just wait two more days and then I'll call the doctor's office and ask when I should come in. But I am pretty sure AF is on her way. I hope we will be able to do another IUI before the end of the year.
I don't think I mentioned it, but last week I called the friend that I met for lunch a couple of weeks ago. She has already a kid, but she had two miscarriages this year (who happened to be around the same time as mine). I hadn't heard from her in a while and wanted to see how she is doing. She just found out that she is actually pregnant again! What a joy for her. I pray and hope that everything will go fine this time.
I was tagged by Lindsay from Looking for 2 Lines.
Rules are: list a word that describes you for every letter of the alphabet. offer as much or as little explanation as you wish. please keep the words positive (for example, don’t use “fat” for F or “lame” for L), and feel free to get creative. tag as many or as few people as you wish. Link back to your tagger and forward to your taggees.
I have cheated a little, because I felt like I needed more words for some things.
A - Adopting - we have started the process on our third wedding anniversary
B - Baby - I really want one. Asap. See I
C - Clumsy - I am left handed and left handed people are supposedly clumsy. I definitely am.
D - Development work. My heart is in development work and I've worked in that field for a couple of years.
E - Extrovert. Absolutely.
F - Friends - they are super important to me.
G - God - I am still working on my relationship with him, but have made a little progress
H - Husband - My best decision ever to marry this awesome man
I - Impatient - I am the most impatient person in this world. I want everything now.
- Infertility - has definitely changed my life
- IVF - we tried that 3 times already
- IUI - we are currently trying that
J - Jokes - I love to laugh, and my dh is a great jokester. So we are a perfect match.
K - Kitchen - I love to cook
L - Loving
M - Matchmaking - I love to introduce people to each other and I can't count how many people met through me or have fallen in love after I introduced them, gotten married, and had babies
Mosquitoes - I hate mosquitoes and we have a whole battery of tools to drive them away from our nice little deck
N - Networking - I love to network and bring people together.
- Neighbors - we have great neighbors and are friends with several of them.
O - Organize - I love to organize Happy Hours or Networking Events.
P - Parents - We definitely want to become parents. Soon, see I.
Q - Quadruplets? - Bring it on.
R - Rollercoaster - I don't like the emotional rollercoaster, but infertility takes you along the ride.
S - Sudoku - I am addicted, but just to the Samuraiversion in the Sunday edition of the Washington Post
T - TiVo - I love my TiVo.
U - Umbilical cord - will my dh ever get to cut one of those?
V - Vacation - I could need one right now.
Venezuela - we'll move there next summer.
W - Washington D.C. - a great town with lots of interesting people
X - Xing - one of my favorite internet networking sites
Y - Yoka - my blogger name
Z - Zebra - I saw them in Africa.
Please consider yourself tagged.
When I talked to my doctor's office last week, they didn't even tell me when I needed to come in for my blood work. So I'll just wait it out. I have no symptoms what so ever even the occasional twinge and the sore boobs are gone. Therefore I already lost hope that it might actually have worked. I also have the wet feeling I have right before AF shows up. My temperature is still up but I know that it comes from the progesterone. So I guess I just wait two more days and then I'll call the doctor's office and ask when I should come in. But I am pretty sure AF is on her way. I hope we will be able to do another IUI before the end of the year.
I don't think I mentioned it, but last week I called the friend that I met for lunch a couple of weeks ago. She has already a kid, but she had two miscarriages this year (who happened to be around the same time as mine). I hadn't heard from her in a while and wanted to see how she is doing. She just found out that she is actually pregnant again! What a joy for her. I pray and hope that everything will go fine this time.
I was tagged by Lindsay from Looking for 2 Lines.
Rules are: list a word that describes you for every letter of the alphabet. offer as much or as little explanation as you wish. please keep the words positive (for example, don’t use “fat” for F or “lame” for L), and feel free to get creative. tag as many or as few people as you wish. Link back to your tagger and forward to your taggees.
I have cheated a little, because I felt like I needed more words for some things.
A - Adopting - we have started the process on our third wedding anniversary
B - Baby - I really want one. Asap. See I
C - Clumsy - I am left handed and left handed people are supposedly clumsy. I definitely am.
D - Development work. My heart is in development work and I've worked in that field for a couple of years.
E - Extrovert. Absolutely.
F - Friends - they are super important to me.
G - God - I am still working on my relationship with him, but have made a little progress
H - Husband - My best decision ever to marry this awesome man
I - Impatient - I am the most impatient person in this world. I want everything now.
- Infertility - has definitely changed my life
- IVF - we tried that 3 times already
- IUI - we are currently trying that
J - Jokes - I love to laugh, and my dh is a great jokester. So we are a perfect match.
K - Kitchen - I love to cook
L - Loving
M - Matchmaking - I love to introduce people to each other and I can't count how many people met through me or have fallen in love after I introduced them, gotten married, and had babies
Mosquitoes - I hate mosquitoes and we have a whole battery of tools to drive them away from our nice little deck
N - Networking - I love to network and bring people together.
- Neighbors - we have great neighbors and are friends with several of them.
O - Organize - I love to organize Happy Hours or Networking Events.
P - Parents - We definitely want to become parents. Soon, see I.
Q - Quadruplets? - Bring it on.
R - Rollercoaster - I don't like the emotional rollercoaster, but infertility takes you along the ride.
S - Sudoku - I am addicted, but just to the Samuraiversion in the Sunday edition of the Washington Post
T - TiVo - I love my TiVo.
U - Umbilical cord - will my dh ever get to cut one of those?
V - Vacation - I could need one right now.
Venezuela - we'll move there next summer.
W - Washington D.C. - a great town with lots of interesting people
X - Xing - one of my favorite internet networking sites
Y - Yoka - my blogger name
Z - Zebra - I saw them in Africa.
Please consider yourself tagged.
Monday, December 3, 2007
An adoption conference and a football game
So the last week-end was filled with lots to do.
We are dog sitting which is always a great pleasure for us because we don't have a dog ourselves. The dog is amazing in character and if we ever get a dog, I want a yellow or black lab.
On Saturday we went to an adoption conference in D.C. There were so many people there. It was amazing. We actually gathered some information from different agencies. Our agency was there as well. We didn't really find it to productive because we already started the process. But I guess for people that haven't started yet, it was quite interesting. They also had a photo exhibition of older children from the Wednesdays Child initiative which we looked at as well. They had little cards with more information on the children as well. Afterwards we went to have lunch at a nearby restaurant. There my husband put one of the cards on the table it was Deon (who is also on their homepage) who is 17 years old. Next year he will be graduating out of the foster care system without a permanent family like 30.000 other children each year. My husband told me that it is close to his heart and he wants to adopt a teenager in our family. While I don't have any major concerns about adopting an older child, I still feel a little young to parent a 17 year old. But if this is heavy on his heart we will definitely do it later.
And yesterday we saw the Redskins play the Buffalo Bills. It was my husband's birthday present from me. He is a big Buffalo Bills fan. I don't really understand the rules, but I went anyway. The weather was really cold, so we put on all our gear to stay warm. They handed out little towels with the number 21 on them for Sean Taylor when we went inside. They also did a tribute ceremony where 90 people were waving the little white towels which was an amazing view. We were sitting in the nosebleed section, nearly in the last row. The game itself was really tight and it looked for a long time as if the Redskins were gonna win. I asked my husband about the rules all the time. There was one annoying guy a few rows in front of us that had to stand up all the time, so that nobody could see anything. He was completely trashed and was talking shit the whole time. At the last few seconds the Buffalo Bills got a one point lead and won 17:16 only with field goals and safety while the Redskins had a touchdown. My husband was one happy camper.
Then we tried to get on a shuttle bus to get back to our parking lot. There were so many people in a line, but some people just passed us as if they didn't see the line. When we finally got on the shuttle, we weren't really moving a lot at all. For a long time. It was about 5:40 p.m. (the game had ended about 4:15 p.m.) when we finally got to our car. I had encouraged my dh to put on the wheel lock before we left. When we got back, we noticed that he had left the key for the wheel lock at home. Great!!! What do do now? We ended up calling a neighbor and friend, who broke into our house to get the key and drove all the way to Fedex Field to give it to us. Our Saviour!!!
Normally in these kind of situations we easily start fighting, but we both remained calm and spend a nice time playing the 20 question game. Needless to say that I lost big time...
We are dog sitting which is always a great pleasure for us because we don't have a dog ourselves. The dog is amazing in character and if we ever get a dog, I want a yellow or black lab.
On Saturday we went to an adoption conference in D.C. There were so many people there. It was amazing. We actually gathered some information from different agencies. Our agency was there as well. We didn't really find it to productive because we already started the process. But I guess for people that haven't started yet, it was quite interesting. They also had a photo exhibition of older children from the Wednesdays Child initiative which we looked at as well. They had little cards with more information on the children as well. Afterwards we went to have lunch at a nearby restaurant. There my husband put one of the cards on the table it was Deon (who is also on their homepage) who is 17 years old. Next year he will be graduating out of the foster care system without a permanent family like 30.000 other children each year. My husband told me that it is close to his heart and he wants to adopt a teenager in our family. While I don't have any major concerns about adopting an older child, I still feel a little young to parent a 17 year old. But if this is heavy on his heart we will definitely do it later.
And yesterday we saw the Redskins play the Buffalo Bills. It was my husband's birthday present from me. He is a big Buffalo Bills fan. I don't really understand the rules, but I went anyway. The weather was really cold, so we put on all our gear to stay warm. They handed out little towels with the number 21 on them for Sean Taylor when we went inside. They also did a tribute ceremony where 90 people were waving the little white towels which was an amazing view. We were sitting in the nosebleed section, nearly in the last row. The game itself was really tight and it looked for a long time as if the Redskins were gonna win. I asked my husband about the rules all the time. There was one annoying guy a few rows in front of us that had to stand up all the time, so that nobody could see anything. He was completely trashed and was talking shit the whole time. At the last few seconds the Buffalo Bills got a one point lead and won 17:16 only with field goals and safety while the Redskins had a touchdown. My husband was one happy camper.
Then we tried to get on a shuttle bus to get back to our parking lot. There were so many people in a line, but some people just passed us as if they didn't see the line. When we finally got on the shuttle, we weren't really moving a lot at all. For a long time. It was about 5:40 p.m. (the game had ended about 4:15 p.m.) when we finally got to our car. I had encouraged my dh to put on the wheel lock before we left. When we got back, we noticed that he had left the key for the wheel lock at home. Great!!! What do do now? We ended up calling a neighbor and friend, who broke into our house to get the key and drove all the way to Fedex Field to give it to us. Our Saviour!!!
Normally in these kind of situations we easily start fighting, but we both remained calm and spend a nice time playing the 20 question game. Needless to say that I lost big time...
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