3 more months

We have three more months until our baby is born. But will it really be our baby? Will the birthmother change her mind? The person from the agency had told us we might be able to have a telephone conference with the birthmom after we send the check. We hadn't heard from them afterwards so I called them and asked for the telephone conference. We had the impression that this was what the birthmother desired. But it turns out she is as scared as we are and doesn't really want to talk to us right now. I can understand that on the one hand. On the other hand I had hoped that after a telephone call I might feel safer with the whole situation. Now I feel not a little bit safer and we have to wait three long months until we find out whether it will work out.

I wish we wouldn't have had the experience with the other birthmother that decided to parent, then I might feel the way I do.

We haven't bought anything yet. But last week-end we went to the hell for all infertile women: Babies R Us. All people around us where either pregnant or were pushing a cart with a newborn or had a toddler with them. I felt like a cheater. Who entitled me to be there? There I was, not pregnant, but in a place destined for pregnant women or mothers. I was wondering what the other people thought when we were looking at car seats and strollers and cribs... Did they think I was not far along yet in my pregnancy? Or did they just think that we were probably shopping for someone else? It felt very weird. I found super cute onesies and was close to buying them. But then I thought: better wait for the right moment. Which I feel is after the baby is born and we know for sure that we will take it home. At least we decided that we'd like a car seat that can fit on a stroller. And that we would like a pack'n'play. And on some other stuff.

Is anyone around me not pregnant now?

Thank you for all your comments on the last blog. I would love to give you more info, but I don't really have any. I still feel very unsafe and insecure. I talked to the agency this week and they are still missing some paperwork that they sent us again now. I told them that they had offered us to set up a telephone conference with the birth mother after we sent the check for the birth mother expenses, but I haven't heard back from them.

I am praying that the birth mom has peace of mind with her decision. I am wondering how she is feeling. I hope she is doing alright.

Poor hubby is terribly sick since yesterday. He had been puking several times and also has a cough. We are supposed to have dinner with some friends from Phoenix tonight. I hope he will feel better then.

I had an evaluation on my learning progress today. It was o.k., but I don't like tests and evaluations. I am not very good in presenting things and talking about subjects.

This week I received other news. One of my other friends here is pregnant. She is 35 and they have been trying for a month to get pregnant. I remember sitting with them in the car when they told me that they were going to start trying. That was about 2 months ago. She is seven weeks along now. If I wouldn't love her so much, I might have to hate her. I am really happy for them and I didn't even cry... Is anyone around me not pregnant now? Well I guess, if this is for real we are at least paper pregnant. But the fact that we won't find out before August is killing me.

Have a great weekend everybody.

An unexpected blessing

Today during lunch my hubby and I talked to a woman that we know from a sports activity. She already has three boys. Afterwards she shared with me that she just had a miscarriage a couple of months ago. They don't really plan on having more kids, so she is ready to get rid of all her baby gear. And she has offered it to us. For free! Wow! We can come to her house and pick what we like.

I was wondering how we were going to pay for all of the equipment and here we get an offer like that. She is truly a blessing and I am sure we will take her up on that offer.

I will be really brave now and do something that I didn't dare to do before. I hope I won't jinx it.

Graduation day

I just moved two fellow bloggers up on the "Left infertile Island" column on my blog. Both of them are pregnant and have graduated from infertile Island.

The island is getting bigger for the few of us who are still there. But we probably have new arrivals soon. Other woman that are going through the same pain as we are. It doesn't matter how we end up at the island. There is a solidarity between us. We are like sisters. Feeling with each other, understanding the pain.

We spent the weekend in Philadelphia. I meet my wonderful friend M. She and her husband are going through the same like my husband and I when we first started all the tests. When we were first wondering why we didn't conceive like all of our friends around us.

I pray and hope that M and her hubby don't have to go through all the pain that we already went through.

I look forward to the day when the island will be empty because all of us have overcome infertility. Some of us might eventually conceive naturally, others might have to use Clomid, IUI, or the heavy weapons like IVF. For others like me, adoption is the only chance to leave the island. It doesn't matter how we leave the island or how we overcome infertility. It is important that we leave and that we overcome infertility. And we will!!!

Thank you for all your support, sisters! And congratulations to those who graduated.

Better today...

I am feeling better today. It always hits me really hard when I hear of another pregnancy.

It took me 1,5 hours to drive home yesterday. While I was driving home and sitting in the car, I saw all these pregnant women and women with children. They looked so beautiful and so happy.

I guess I have a selective view and only notice those two... The longer I sat in the traffic the worse it got and I ended up sobbing and crying my way home.

When I just got home my hubby called. I told him everything and cried on the phone with him for a while. He then came home and just hugged me. That is all I needed. And he understood. He is the best husband in the whole wide world. And he hasn't given up hope on God yet.

On infertility

400 (!) That is first the beta number my colleague had with her third IVF try. The second was more than 2000. I just found out. I bet that there is more in there than just one. I am glad for her and sad for me. It was her last try, she wouldn't have been able to afford more. But working with a pregnant woman is going to suck. It will remind me every day of my own infertility. I am reminded about that anyway every day. And it will hurt every day.

Sometimes I think that infertility dominates my life. I think about it all day. Every day. It has taken away so much from me. So many joyous moments of my life that I never get to experience because of it. Being able to conceive on our own. To get pregnant while not even really trying to have a baby. Showing my husband a positive pregnancy test and feeling safe and secure that there will end up a real life baby from it. Seeing the first ultrasound. Praying to the porcelain Gods. Feeling it grow inside me. Buying maternity clothes and being able to wear them. Giving birth. Having a biological child. Breastfeeding naturally. Finding myself and my husband in our baby. There is so much that I'll never get to experience.

Instead infertility has given me jealousy, grief, unhappiness, physical and emotional pain, and a huge pessimist perspective on life. Who have I become? What if God used infertility to draw me closer to him? I thought about that today when I was driving to work. What if I thought about God when all the painful thoughts come to my head? What if I focus on him? Will that work? Will he help me to overcome this?

More twins...

AF decided to come for a visit this weekend. Right on time on Friday... All hopes have gone - once again. I wish I would stop hoping. It is just so painful to have your hopes crushed every month.

On Friday we had planned to go out for dinner with two neighbor couples. I had met one of the girls in the morning and she had said that they would be coming. Around 6:30 p.m. she rang our door bell to tell me that they had to bail on us. They had planned to tell us their great news that night. She is twelve weeks pregnant. With twins (!). Naturally conceived. She said they run in their family (but had skipped four generations!).

I feel so bad that I can't be happy for her. This is one of the mean things that infertility does to you. Instead of being happy for your friends when they are pregnant you are jealous and question why it is them and not you. If it was just one, it would probably have been easier. But two (!). Why can't we both be pregnant with one baby? She is the third of our friends that is having twins. And we can't even have one biological child. I wonder whether that pain will ever go away? Will it be better with time? Will it be better once we have an adopted child?

Last Saturday we did the CPR class that was one part of the requirements from our adoption agency. Another thing to cross from our list... We took CPR for adults/children and infants and first aid as well.

Today I sent back the form where it breaks down the cost for this adoption. We now have to find the money somewhere. Unfortunately we didn't qualify for the adoption credit we had applied for. I didn't think it would be that difficult...

While other people conceive their babies in bed, we have to pay thousands of dollars for outsourcing reproduction. First for all the unsuccessful fertility treatments and then for the adoption... I wish I could win the lottery. Having more money would help - a lot.