56 more days

Needless to say that we didn't get to talk to the birth mom last weekend. Instead I had a very unpleasant conversation with my mom. I really would like to say that she is super excited to be a grandma to an adopted child. But I can't. She hasn't asked me a single time how the process goes or if we have heard any updates. She hasn't asked me a single time what she can get for her grandson. I know that her mind circulates around my dad's health right now. She has to take him to his radiation every single day and he will have another cycle of chemotherapy next week.

In addition, for her adoption is a foreign concept. I know that she will come around eventually once she holds the baby in her arms. But I really feel neglected. I wrote her a letter recently where I told her how important her support for our adoption was for us and where I translated an article about adoptive grandparents. She called me after she received the letter four months ago and told me she was going to write me back. Of course I haven't received a single line from her. I didn't even get a card from her for my birthday. She has given me money, though.

If I was pregnant, she would probably call all the time to make sure I am alright. Instead I talked to my Dad the last five times when I called my parents and my Mom was always somewhere else. She didn't call back a single time. She hasn't called me at all recently. I told her all of that and she told me she didn't want to interfere in my life. I told her that her non-interference appears like disinterest to me. She blamed the distance on the fact that she doesn't have more interest in our expanding family. It was like a slap in my face. I know that she is not happy with how I choose my life because it brought me to the U.S. and away from her. But she should find some consolation in the fact that I have a wonderful husband that tries to make me happy (even if that seems difficult these days).

Therefore I would like to know from all of you who have adopted: have you had similar situations with your parents? Are they all super excited? How did you help them with the process?

My DH told me yesterday that my BIL and wife are expecting again. They are due in December when our nephew will be 18 months old. Of course they didn't need any medical interventions to conceive and could just do it by having sex. I was very depressed after hearing these news. Not because I am not happy for them.

But because I am jealous that some people just get to plan when they have their babies and conceive without any problems and costs while others are trying and trying while spending lots of money with no results.

I would love to spend our money in other areas of our life. I would love to have more kids after our adoption, but the question when we will be able to adopt again will probably be one of finances. And I hate that idea. I'd rather spend the money on my kids then on the process to conceive/adopt them. I feel like something has been robbed from my life. I was supposed to be the one that conceives without problems. I was the one that was supposed to pop out one baby after the next. What went wrong in this equation?

Tonight we will go to our friends house. I am talking about the one that has volunteered to give us some baby stuff. I am very happy about this and feel ready to take some more baby stuff into our house. Maybe the fact that we are not going out there to buy it, helps too.

Sorry for this negative blog entry. I hope I'll be able to regain some positive attitude tomorrow. When I was lying in bed last night, crying, and talking to God, he heard me. I felt already better this morning...

8 more weeks...

Time is really passing. We are getting a little closer to our goal every day. Today is another possibility to take off one of the paper chain links. Of course, we haven't heard from the agency. They haven't set up a telephone conference and I somehow thought that this might happen. It is just frustrating if they promise something and then they don't follow through.

Yesterday we continued to paint the guest bedroom/nursery. Hubby finished painting the rest of the ceiling and we primed the other half of the room. It was a lot of work, but I hope we will be able to finish it today...

Last night we had some friends over for dinner. Hubby made wonderful BBQ rips in the Crockpot. The BBQ sauce cooked for 5 hours on Friday and he had the rips cook another 9 hours yesterday. They were very yummy. I also made my peanut butter chocolate pie which is delicious.

Our friends brought their newborn daughter. It was one of her first outings. I even finally got to hold her for the first time. And she was completely happy and satisfied. I was holding her while our friends ate their dinner and they said it was the first time since she was born in May that they actually managed to eat a full dinner without being interrupted by their daughters cry. She even fell asleep on me... How wonderful. She is just freaking adorable and I can't wait... She is only one month old and after holding her for a while I could definitely feel my arms hurting. I guess I need to lift some weights if I ever find the time to do so.

Dh went for a soccer game today and when he got home he told me he wanted to cook the fish he had taken out of the freezer a couple of days ago. The bad thing is that I didn't remember whether I had taken it out or him and I was concerned about food safety on Friday, so I ended up throwing it out. Dh just explained me that it was in a freezer package and it was perfectly fine in the fridge for a couple of days. Before he gets mad at me, I better jump of the couch and help him painting the bedroom.... :-)

If you knew...

Dear Baby,

Maybe you are kicking your mom or you are probably sleeping right now in your moms belly while I am thinking about you. I am thinking about you a lot. If you knew what is going to happen in a couple of weeks you would probably be very excited and scared. You don't have to be. I am sure your birth might be a traumatic experience with all the light and stress after the nice, safe, and cozy place you are at. But don't worry: later in life you won't even remember it any more.

And I just wanted to let you know how much you will be loved once you are here. Your daddy and I won't be your first parents, but we will be the onces that will love you, raise you and provide you with everything that you will need. Your first parents love you, too. They already have several children and can't afford another baby. That is why they picked us to raise you. They know that we can provide for you in a way that they won't be able to. But we hope that you will meet them and be able to develop a relationship with them later in life. We want you to know what your heritage is and we want you to be proud of it.

It is so difficult to convey all the love your daddy and I have for you. We can't wait for you to be here. We have so much love between us, we can't wait for you to share this love with us. There will be so many firsts in your life and in our life in the next weeks, months, and years. We are looking forward to every single first, from your first cry, to your first diaper, to your first bottle, your first smile, to your first tooth, to your first steps, to the first time that you call us "Mommy" and "Daddy".

We have longed for you for so long. Already we love you so much and we can't wait for you to be here. We are counting down the days for you to be born and to be with us.

Mommy and Daddy

60 days to go

I am starting my little countdown now.

By now the agency has hopefully received our mail. Unfortunately we still haven't heard any updates. I find it frustrating not to hear anything. I don't expect an update every week. But it has been basically since April since we have been selected that we haven't heard anything except the fact that our file was submitted to the board and that we still needed to turn in some paperwork. If they are counseling her, what I would hope, I wonder why they are not able to give us any updates?

I just had one of those spontaneous moments and I just decided to call and ask. I talked to the person in charge and was promised an update on our situation today. So now I am very excited that we will hear more on our baby today. I wish they could send me some ultrasound pictures or something. That would make this baby and the fact that we might become his parents more real...

That was quick. I just received a call back. The birth father will be around this weekend and they will try to set up a conference call with us. If it doesn't work out we will do it only with the birthmom. WOW!!! We might finally get to talk to her... I am very excited about this opportunity, but also very anxious. What if I say something wrong? What if she doesn't like my accent? What if she changes her mind?

2 more months

First, thank you all for your comments on my post from yesterday. They are highly appreciated and I will get back to some of you who have offered to help. I just need to find the time to really work on these issues. Between Spanish class and work I barely have time for anything else...

I had an evaluation in Spanish today and it sounds like I am on track. I probably will even be able to finish my class before August. The teacher was happy with my level of fluency and the fact that I just talk. I guess I need to slow down a little in order to think about what I am saying before I speak and control what is coming out of my mouth more to avoid little mistakes I am still making.

Yesterday I didn't have time to write, so I just write this as my post from yesterday. Two more months until our lives will change completely. At least we hope so. Even if I try not to get too excited it is hard not to think about it all day. I now feel comfortable talking about it and sharing our news with most of our friends. But I still have this nagging feeling about the possibility of her changing her mind. I pray for her every day and hope that she is in peace with her decision.

I also tried to set up a time and date with our friend that has offered to bless us with lots of baby stuff that she doesn't need any more. I think I am now o.k. with having some baby stuff in the house. That is already a progress for me, right? I feel that once the baby is here, we won't have a lot of time to think about these things because we will need them... And it might be difficult to do all the shopping with a newborn in tow... But I still think we will wait with the car seat and stroller until we are much closer to the due date.

We haven't heard anything from the agency. Our request to receive an update on the pregnancy was mailed to them, but the emails keep bouncing back. I mailed it to them in the normal mail yesterday. I don't know whether that is a good sign or a bad sign. The expectant mother is now in week 31 of her pregnancy and the baby should be about 4 pounds. I can't wait to hold him for the first time. How am I getting through the next 61 days???

Breast or bottle???

The get-together that was no baby shower went o.k. I didn't stay so long because I had to pick up husband from soccer. It wasn't all about pregnancy after all. But I was the only one that wasn't pregnant or didn't bring a baby/toddler. One woman was pregnant. It is hard to feel like an expectant mom if there is no belly to show for. One of the ladies, a friend of ours, offered us some of her children's stuff. She just had a baby last November and is ready to get rid of some of her stuff due to a move.

But I asked the ladies whether they thought breastfeeding an adopted baby might be creepy. They were very supportive and said they didn't think it was creepy at all. I have thought about it and read about it for a while and I think I might like to give it a try. I am not concerned about attachment issues. It is more that I would like to give our baby the best possible start. The health benefits of breastfeeding are definitely convincing. Another reason is that I might never get to experience a pregnancy. When we adopt later we will probably adopt older children. Breastfeeding is as close as I might ever get to experiencing the natural and biological link a mom has to her child. Maybe my body does for once something it is supposed to do. If it doesn't work out, I won't be upset. I know it might be difficult for me to produce enough milk to exclusively breastfeed. But every bit helps. While I have read that it is possible, I have not actually met anyone that did it/does it.

This is why I need some input from those of you who have adopted or are in the process of adopting. What do think about breastfeeding? Have you considered it? Do you want to give it a try? When did you start pumping? Did you have lactation induced? How did you approach this? Did you talk to your doctor about it or did you see a lactation consultant? What were the reactions of friends and family? I have so many questions. Hopefully you guys have some answers for me.

9 weeks to go and I hate popcorn ceilings...

Today we ripped off another link on our paper chain. With every link we rip off we get one week closer to our baby. At least I hope we do. We even started tackling another project this weekend. The nursery. Our nursery/current guest bedroom looks fine, but the previous owner had a child and the child had decided to paint parts of the wall. The previous owner left us a beautiful wall mural that we never changed. We always imagined that in a couple of months our baby might enjoy it. My husband even says we bought the house only because of the beautiful safari themed mural.

As you know we will be moving overseas in a couple of months. We had met with a property management company a couple of weeks ago and the guy told us the easiest way to rent a house is if the rooms are painted white. I guess it is because they look bigger that way. When we first moved in, we painted nearly the whole house. Every weekend was spent between home depot and painting. I was in charge of painting the trims and windows. After a couple of months I started to hate painting... It is so much work.

But of course we now have our rooms in completely different colors than the previous owner. She had a strange taste. For example the living room was a dark chocolate brown. The problem is that the house is not very sunny. It made it look really small. We changed that color to an off-white. She also painted on of the bathrooms in a really dark brown. The thing that was absolutely weird is that she also painted the ceiling in that brown. It made it look like a cave...

Back to the nursery: we decided that in order to rent the house we will have to paint parts of the house. The nursery was one of the rooms we needed to paint. So we decided to spend our weekend painting. It is so humid outside that there is no point in being outside anyway. We primed and painted two walls and parts of the ceiling. Have I told you that I absolutely hate popcorn ceilings? If you have to make a decision what ceiling to put in your new house, never go for popcorn ceiling. It is the worst to paint and it is really difficult to get it off once you decide that you don't like it any more... We still have some work to do, but we might not get to it today.

Hubby is going to play soccer and I have a surprise party to go to for the friend of ours that is expecting twins. It is not supposed to be a baby shower her husband said. Can you imagine that I am not really looking forward to it? She has been very insensitive before and during her pregnancy towards me. She is the one that asked me about three weeks after my second miscarriage (which she knew about): "So when are you getting ready to get pregnant again?" And that despite the fact that she had had a miscarriage before and knew how difficult it is. But I guess I need to go, so I have to get ready.

We also have a friend coming into town today and staying with us. Now that the guest bedroom is a current project, the only thing we can offer him is our living room couch or our floor (which is really comfortable). At least he will be a good excuse to leave the party...

Have a wonderful Sunday.