The loss of a biological child

I just called the adoption agency. They have all our paperwork except the guardianship agreement and the driving record which should be in the mail today. Our caseworker has sent out the clearances last week and they usually take 4 weeks to come back.

They also mailed out the reference letters to our friends. I already received an email from one of our friends that they had received the letter from the agency and will draft something.

Then they will assign us a social worker to complete our home study. Once we have been assigned the social worker, the process takes usually 4-6 weeks, but it can go even faster. At this point it can't go fast enough for us.

While I realize that we might end up having an adopted child, it means also that we might never have biological children. We haven't really completely given up hope yet. But I am not getting any younger and I will be turning 34 this year. It would be a big surprise if we would actually end up having a biological child.

I have nearly given up the dream of conceiving naturally in bed like so many of our friends. I have learned to live with the fact that whether we have biological children or not might be determined by our finances. Our only chance of having biological children might be IVF to maximize our chances. And we don't have the resources to continue pursuing fertility treatments every month. My high FSH level is another reason that makes it less likely to happen. My body doesn't seem to want to cooperate with our dreams.

Since I was a little girl, I dreamed about having a family with children. I was looking forward to seeing that positive pregnancy test on the bathroom counter. I was wondering how I would tell my husband that we are expecting a baby. And my parents. I was looking forward to feeling a baby grow inside me. I was looking forward to the first ultrasound. I was looking forward to the first time I could feel our baby move inside me. My husband has this beautiful smile and I always was looking forward to seeing that smile in our children. I was wondering which traits they might have from whom of us. I might never experience this.

It also means the end of the genealogical line of our family which is particularly hard for my parents. While they will be thrilled to have finally a grandchild, they will have to realize that their gens won't be given to the next generation.

Our children will have different parents that will be connected to our family forever. Another woman will experience the first ultrasound and the first movements of our baby. And I won't be there for the first ultrasound. I won't feel it kicking. And I won't be able to protect our child for the first nine months before it is born.

I am grieving for that loss. And I understand it is a normal process. But it still hurts like hell.