We had a pretty busy week-end. On Friday night we went out for a crab dinner with some friends. It's been really nice. On Saturday I finished the weekly wash load and worked on some projects around the house. And I made a really nice lemon-banana cake. Saturday night we went out to a birthday dinner for one of our friends. They asked us for the address of our adoption agency. They are our references. I had thought they had long sent back the letter, but they obviously lost it during moving. Hopefully they will get to it this week.
The adoption agency called me back after I had tried reaching them last week. They said I should call back this week, so I plan on calling them tomorrow again.
On Sunday I went shopping and to the Annie Leibovitz exhibit in the Corcoran Gallery in D.C. It was the last day and they were sold out, but I was so fortunate to receive entrance because I had reserved a ticket online. There was a really long queue, when I first arrived. I had to wait about 30 minutes to get in.
It was very impressive. She is such a great photographer. While she is famous for her celebrity pictures, she also documented some private moments like the death of her girl-friend Susan Sonntag or her father. She also took pictures of the birth of her twins and her adorable older daughter. I read that she had her first child with 51 years. Well, I guess that must have been a donor egg/donor sperm or donor embryo thing. I am impressed that she would still try to have a child at that age. She later had her twins born to a surrogate mother.
Hubbie raised the question of the difference between a surrogate mother and adoption. The only difference seems to be that she paid for the eggs, the sperm, and the surrogate and basically new when it would happen. It was her timing. With adoption she would have tried to locate a pregnant birth mother. I am sure there are a lot of birth mothers out there, who would love to give their child to Annie Leibovitz. But the timing would have been left to God. Like in our case. I am terrified it won't work out before we go overseas. I am terrified of it actually working out. Am I prepared to be a mom?
Monday, January 14, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
We got great news!
No, unfortunately not us. The stork has found some of our friends, again.
I have this one friend that had called me to make sure I was one of the first people she told that she was pregnant. She has been very sensitive towards me about her pregnancy. She send me this very thoughtful email this week. Her SIL wants to organize a baby shower for her. She would really like to have me there, but she understands if I decide that I don't want to be there. She is such a sweetheart. I was so happy to get her email. The fact that she thought about it, made me love her even more. So I have decided to break my "Baby Shower Ban" and actually go to hers.
I can’t believe how insensitive some people are on the other hand. This other friend of ours I wrote about recently in another post. She had called me after one of our friends gave birth to her fourth child and was asking whether I had her number and whether I new when she was coming home to go on and on about how she gave birth to her daughter. She wouldn’t stop any more.
At that point I wondered whether she didn’t understand what I was going through. She had a miscarriage at 12 weeks herself a couple of years ago before she gave birth to her beautiful daughter. I remember that at that point her husband told us and asked us not to talk about babies with her. And we respected that.
Last summer she had asked me at a happy hour “So, when are you guys getting ready to get pregnant?” That was about a month after my last miscarriage. I had told her that we were having a hard time and about the miscarriages.
And yesterday, her and her husband took us aside at a happy hour. They wanted to tell us “something”. I knew what was coming. So I said: “Let me guess. You are pregnant.” But little did I know that they would reply: “Yes, but with twins!” This is super exciting and I am thrilled for them, but I wish they would have picked better timing. At this moment I could barely hold it together. Why can other people have their second and third child while we can’t have even one?
On our way home I started crying. Will this pain ever go away whenever someone tells me they are pregnant?
I have this one friend that had called me to make sure I was one of the first people she told that she was pregnant. She has been very sensitive towards me about her pregnancy. She send me this very thoughtful email this week. Her SIL wants to organize a baby shower for her. She would really like to have me there, but she understands if I decide that I don't want to be there. She is such a sweetheart. I was so happy to get her email. The fact that she thought about it, made me love her even more. So I have decided to break my "Baby Shower Ban" and actually go to hers.
I can’t believe how insensitive some people are on the other hand. This other friend of ours I wrote about recently in another post. She had called me after one of our friends gave birth to her fourth child and was asking whether I had her number and whether I new when she was coming home to go on and on about how she gave birth to her daughter. She wouldn’t stop any more.
At that point I wondered whether she didn’t understand what I was going through. She had a miscarriage at 12 weeks herself a couple of years ago before she gave birth to her beautiful daughter. I remember that at that point her husband told us and asked us not to talk about babies with her. And we respected that.
Last summer she had asked me at a happy hour “So, when are you guys getting ready to get pregnant?” That was about a month after my last miscarriage. I had told her that we were having a hard time and about the miscarriages.
And yesterday, her and her husband took us aside at a happy hour. They wanted to tell us “something”. I knew what was coming. So I said: “Let me guess. You are pregnant.” But little did I know that they would reply: “Yes, but with twins!” This is super exciting and I am thrilled for them, but I wish they would have picked better timing. At this moment I could barely hold it together. Why can other people have their second and third child while we can’t have even one?
On our way home I started crying. Will this pain ever go away whenever someone tells me they are pregnant?
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Don’t fall for Adoption Scammers
Nicole Kidman is pregnant. I am really happy for her. She had a hard time. First she had a miscarriage and an ectopic while she was married to Tom Cruise (as if that wasn’t enough pain for her). And then she ends up marrying a person that has an alcohol addiction. She really has been through enough. I hope that everything goes well with this pregnancy.
I haven’t heart from the adoption agency yet. Instead I have received another email from an obvious scammer. I have been meaning to write this post for a while. But have put it off. But now that I have received another email from an adoption scammer, I have decided to share the story. She writes these heart-wrenching emails. Look at this one:
Dear Yoka
it is rather unfortunate or may I say fate brought me back to you. I found out from the othere family that they will be transfering will not be adopting my babay. So they were scared to tell me for fear to break my poor heart. But i told them that i have already gone through a lot that i am no more heart breaking. Well before we start, let me tell youa litle about us. I am single mother to my son whose father we don't know his whereabouts from the day i told him i was 3 months pregnant for him. We met at our Ministry's Convention in Atlanta, Georgia US for one month (since i attended from the UK) and he promised me everything i could have in a husband and a father of my children. It is quite disturbing explaining all these since i have been disturbed all along, but i must tell you since i have already made up my mind to adopt little P. regarding my present situation ok.
I have attached pictures of me and Payton in the mail, i hope you like him since he is a wonderful boy and it has taken me over 4 months to finally come up with the decision to let him have the opportunity other kids have for a happy and loving family ok. As for the type of adoption, well i will want the most preferable for us since i will only like to request that i may have the opportunity to get to see him later on in the future and receive pictures and letters frequently ok.
I returned home (UK) after the convention before realizing that i was 2 months pregnant. But me and his dad kept constant communication after that, but i was always afraid to inform him i was pregnant for him. It was a month later after i had thought for a while and summoned courage before i informed him we were to have a baby. He was very mad at me and demanded we have an abortion. I am pro-life and did not see it that way. I told him we were made for each other as he has been telling me from the start and it would have been better for us to get married and start a life; but after that very telephone call, i haven't heard or read from him again. i don't know anything about his family, friends and relations since he was alone at the convention.
After my family discovered i was pregnant and could not tell the father of my dad or his whereabouts, everybody became furious at me and that's where the most difficult part of my life and my son's began. I was being treated like an alien in the family and nobody will help me out in anything since my dad said i had brought the family name to shame by bringing a bastard to the family. I took everything in without complaining and thanks to our neighbors and church members, i finally had clothes, and a few necessities i needed for the baby's delivery.
This made me to be stressed up throughout this year 2007 and really sad since my dad was not at the hospital and he never looks at the baby in the house. I had to make a decision since i was going nuts and thanks to my congregation, they finally advised me to come over for Voluntary missionary work in Central Africa, where i can have some peace and have time for myself to think over what i really want in life. So me and my son finally came over when he was 4months 3wks old to Central Africa.
It has been nice and quiet here for us, but it is also hell for P. since the climates here does not favor him and we can hardly feed ourselves from the allowances given to us every month. To add to it, I am not at my best as far as health conditions are concerned. I am in and out of the hospital ALL of the time and I don’t want my child to have to be in the care of someone else here when I’m in the hospital. This is what has made me to finally give him the chance to have a better life and a happy family since, no matter how hard we have tried or how nice we have tried to be, my family will not accept him ok.
Please i hope you can respond to my mail since we are presently hoping and praying Payton gets to have the opportunity i have been wanting for my baby.
thank you very much and i will be looking forward to reading from you soon.
XXX
Aren’t you close to tears yet? Well, I guess the other 5.000 people that got her email were, too. I run her through some adoption forums and found out:
She lives in Cameroon and is one of the scammers that are after our money. First they need some money for vaccinations in order to get the visa. Then they need the money for the flights, attorney costs, visa, etc. These people even fabricate wrong attorneys with yahoo.com email addresses who write you in terrible English…
It is not the first time this has happened to me. But I am not taking them serious anyway. Other people have lost thousands of dollars through them…
I find it outrageous how people are trying to profit of our pain. Don’t you think we have been through enough? The pain of being unable to conceive a child like 90% of the population, the pain of countless procedures to test your and your partner’s fertility, the amount of money and hope you invest in infertility treatments, the pain when they fail, and fail, and fail. Nobody that hasn’t experienced it, can imagine the pain and grief of not being able to have a biological child.
The new hope you gain when you decide to pursue adoption. You might be able to actually be a mom to a child. You might be able to see your partner hold a baby. It might not have your nose, your eyes, or your smile. It might have another color of skin. It is not a product of making love to each other. It didn’t grow in your body. Instead it grew in your heart. And you can’t wait to meet this child, to hold it in your arms.
But how can you find it? A lot of people have profiles online to attract birth mothers. There are internet forums where you are supposed to find birth mothers. But it doesn’t work. Instead you receive email from scammers. They don’t have babies. The only thing they do is selling their soul. And they are very good at doing it.
I haven’t heart from the adoption agency yet. Instead I have received another email from an obvious scammer. I have been meaning to write this post for a while. But have put it off. But now that I have received another email from an adoption scammer, I have decided to share the story. She writes these heart-wrenching emails. Look at this one:
Dear Yoka
it is rather unfortunate or may I say fate brought me back to you. I found out from the othere family that they will be transfering will not be adopting my babay. So they were scared to tell me for fear to break my poor heart. But i told them that i have already gone through a lot that i am no more heart breaking. Well before we start, let me tell youa litle about us. I am single mother to my son whose father we don't know his whereabouts from the day i told him i was 3 months pregnant for him. We met at our Ministry's Convention in Atlanta, Georgia US for one month (since i attended from the UK) and he promised me everything i could have in a husband and a father of my children. It is quite disturbing explaining all these since i have been disturbed all along, but i must tell you since i have already made up my mind to adopt little P. regarding my present situation ok.
I have attached pictures of me and Payton in the mail, i hope you like him since he is a wonderful boy and it has taken me over 4 months to finally come up with the decision to let him have the opportunity other kids have for a happy and loving family ok. As for the type of adoption, well i will want the most preferable for us since i will only like to request that i may have the opportunity to get to see him later on in the future and receive pictures and letters frequently ok.
I returned home (UK) after the convention before realizing that i was 2 months pregnant. But me and his dad kept constant communication after that, but i was always afraid to inform him i was pregnant for him. It was a month later after i had thought for a while and summoned courage before i informed him we were to have a baby. He was very mad at me and demanded we have an abortion. I am pro-life and did not see it that way. I told him we were made for each other as he has been telling me from the start and it would have been better for us to get married and start a life; but after that very telephone call, i haven't heard or read from him again. i don't know anything about his family, friends and relations since he was alone at the convention.
After my family discovered i was pregnant and could not tell the father of my dad or his whereabouts, everybody became furious at me and that's where the most difficult part of my life and my son's began. I was being treated like an alien in the family and nobody will help me out in anything since my dad said i had brought the family name to shame by bringing a bastard to the family. I took everything in without complaining and thanks to our neighbors and church members, i finally had clothes, and a few necessities i needed for the baby's delivery.
This made me to be stressed up throughout this year 2007 and really sad since my dad was not at the hospital and he never looks at the baby in the house. I had to make a decision since i was going nuts and thanks to my congregation, they finally advised me to come over for Voluntary missionary work in Central Africa, where i can have some peace and have time for myself to think over what i really want in life. So me and my son finally came over when he was 4months 3wks old to Central Africa.
It has been nice and quiet here for us, but it is also hell for P. since the climates here does not favor him and we can hardly feed ourselves from the allowances given to us every month. To add to it, I am not at my best as far as health conditions are concerned. I am in and out of the hospital ALL of the time and I don’t want my child to have to be in the care of someone else here when I’m in the hospital. This is what has made me to finally give him the chance to have a better life and a happy family since, no matter how hard we have tried or how nice we have tried to be, my family will not accept him ok.
Please i hope you can respond to my mail since we are presently hoping and praying Payton gets to have the opportunity i have been wanting for my baby.
thank you very much and i will be looking forward to reading from you soon.
XXX
Aren’t you close to tears yet? Well, I guess the other 5.000 people that got her email were, too. I run her through some adoption forums and found out:
She lives in Cameroon and is one of the scammers that are after our money. First they need some money for vaccinations in order to get the visa. Then they need the money for the flights, attorney costs, visa, etc. These people even fabricate wrong attorneys with yahoo.com email addresses who write you in terrible English…
It is not the first time this has happened to me. But I am not taking them serious anyway. Other people have lost thousands of dollars through them…
I find it outrageous how people are trying to profit of our pain. Don’t you think we have been through enough? The pain of being unable to conceive a child like 90% of the population, the pain of countless procedures to test your and your partner’s fertility, the amount of money and hope you invest in infertility treatments, the pain when they fail, and fail, and fail. Nobody that hasn’t experienced it, can imagine the pain and grief of not being able to have a biological child.
The new hope you gain when you decide to pursue adoption. You might be able to actually be a mom to a child. You might be able to see your partner hold a baby. It might not have your nose, your eyes, or your smile. It might have another color of skin. It is not a product of making love to each other. It didn’t grow in your body. Instead it grew in your heart. And you can’t wait to meet this child, to hold it in your arms.
But how can you find it? A lot of people have profiles online to attract birth mothers. There are internet forums where you are supposed to find birth mothers. But it doesn’t work. Instead you receive email from scammers. They don’t have babies. The only thing they do is selling their soul. And they are very good at doing it.
Monday, January 7, 2008
What to expect when you are not expecting...
I love the title of this blog. I always dreamed about buying the book "what to expect when you are expecting" once I had my positive pregnancy test, but it doesn't look like I will really need it. In a kind of superstitious way, I didn't want to buy it because I first wanted to be pregnant. Well, I guess I saved those dollars.
On Friday night, I went to a happy hour and met the colleague of my husband whom I had met at my RE's office. She first seemed to avoid me like I seemed to avoid her. I still feel awkward that I have shared so much with her, when I told her about our struggles and she blew me off by telling me that she has a lot of work in the office. When she asked me later how I was I told her "Just fine!" and didn't take the conversation any further. It is strange. I would hope for the support from people in real life that are going through the same struggles like we are.
But the most support for our struggles I get from the online community. Yesterday was the meeting of the D.C. Stirrup Queens with Lori. It was my first meeting with this group. I first felt strange to go there, because I didn't know anybody. I really thought the most embarrassing thing that could happen would be, if I ended up asking random strangers whether they are the infertiles. But it turned out that wasn't necessary. I immediately found the right people. Everybody was great and it was fantastic encounter. I look forward to seeing these ladies again and to keeping in touch with them.
Isn't it weird that if you struggle with infertility you end up getting more support from strangers that you have never met while the people you would normally turn to for support don't know how to deal with you (especially if they have children)?
On a different note: last Saturday we went out for dinner with some friends and their lovely two year old. She seems to adore me and wanted me to take her around the restaurant while she was terrified of dh. It was a great feeling to feel her little hand in mine and walk around the restaurant. It was a little glimpse of what my life might be in the future. I can't wait for this to happen.
Last Friday when I went home from work I saw Homer sitting on his usual bench. He looked great. I told him that I had missed him and how I had tried to track him down to visit him. He told me he had been in 5 different hospitals as they couldn't find out what was wrong with him. He has high blood pressure, but doesn't want to take the medication. I asked him about his age and it turns out he is 80 (!). I couldn't believe it as he looks so much younger. He is going to a home less shelter at night. Thanks god. It was way to cold last week to spend the nights outside. I was so glad to see him. I really had been concerned that he might have died. I am happy he is alive.
On Friday night, I went to a happy hour and met the colleague of my husband whom I had met at my RE's office. She first seemed to avoid me like I seemed to avoid her. I still feel awkward that I have shared so much with her, when I told her about our struggles and she blew me off by telling me that she has a lot of work in the office. When she asked me later how I was I told her "Just fine!" and didn't take the conversation any further. It is strange. I would hope for the support from people in real life that are going through the same struggles like we are.
But the most support for our struggles I get from the online community. Yesterday was the meeting of the D.C. Stirrup Queens with Lori. It was my first meeting with this group. I first felt strange to go there, because I didn't know anybody. I really thought the most embarrassing thing that could happen would be, if I ended up asking random strangers whether they are the infertiles. But it turned out that wasn't necessary. I immediately found the right people. Everybody was great and it was fantastic encounter. I look forward to seeing these ladies again and to keeping in touch with them.
Isn't it weird that if you struggle with infertility you end up getting more support from strangers that you have never met while the people you would normally turn to for support don't know how to deal with you (especially if they have children)?
On a different note: last Saturday we went out for dinner with some friends and their lovely two year old. She seems to adore me and wanted me to take her around the restaurant while she was terrified of dh. It was a great feeling to feel her little hand in mine and walk around the restaurant. It was a little glimpse of what my life might be in the future. I can't wait for this to happen.
Last Friday when I went home from work I saw Homer sitting on his usual bench. He looked great. I told him that I had missed him and how I had tried to track him down to visit him. He told me he had been in 5 different hospitals as they couldn't find out what was wrong with him. He has high blood pressure, but doesn't want to take the medication. I asked him about his age and it turns out he is 80 (!). I couldn't believe it as he looks so much younger. He is going to a home less shelter at night. Thanks god. It was way to cold last week to spend the nights outside. I was so glad to see him. I really had been concerned that he might have died. I am happy he is alive.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Electrical shocks for me
The post title might sound a little awkward. But this is what I received yesterday. I went in for my usual appointment with my acupuncturist. I have been seeing her for over a year now and I am really happy with her. Especially because she has given me the Chinese wonder medicine against endometriosis.
Most of the times, I am laying there, waiting for her to come in and fall half asleep before she comes in. Usually she comes in, asks about how I am doing and about any updates. Then she measures my pulse on both sides and wants to see my tongue. She then asks whether I am feeling hot. Then she uses some disinfectant and starts to set the needles. First in my head and ears and then on my belly and legs. Then her helper comes in and pins the needles a little. I guess this is to stimulate the points where the needles are sticking. It usually doesn't really hurt. She leaves the room and I don't get to see her any more. Her helper comes in about every 10 minutes to pin the needles. After about 30 minutes, he comes back in takes the needles out and then I am free to go. I usually fall asleep during the procedure. Afterwards I feel completely relaxed.
Yesterday she suggested using electrical stimulation for the needles. It was first awkward to think about the idea of having little electro shocks. But she said, it is more effective than the needle pinching. Well, if that is the case. Bring it on!!!
Afterwards I had to turn around and she focused on my kidneys. I never had to turn around before. She set some needles for just 3 minutes. And then I was done. I wonder why she is changing her technique now. As long as it helps me, I don't mind. Anyone out there who has experiences with acupuncture? What does your acupuncturist usually do? Do they use electrical stimulating?
We just changed our health insurance to one that pays 24 treatments a year. I have been paying the acupuncture myself for the last year. Which was quite a lot. I just did a quick calculation. I went there every two weeks for about 6 months, plus during our IVFs every week for another 6 months. I guess, I have paid about $1600 to 2000 for this little luxury. Plus the costs for the herbs. But it has helped me overcome the endometriosis. And it was all worth it. Even if I didn't get a sustainable pregnancy out of this.
When I did the acupuncture while doing IVF simultaneously, we had 6 eggs to start with after the IVF retrieval. When I didn't have time to go there regularly while we did our third round of IVF, we only got 3 although we were stimulating at a much higher dose. I guess that says it all.
I am meeting the D.C. Stirrup Queens and Lori this week-end and am very excited to meet people that I have never met in person, but which have supported me more than some of my friends IRL. Have a great weekend.
Most of the times, I am laying there, waiting for her to come in and fall half asleep before she comes in. Usually she comes in, asks about how I am doing and about any updates. Then she measures my pulse on both sides and wants to see my tongue. She then asks whether I am feeling hot. Then she uses some disinfectant and starts to set the needles. First in my head and ears and then on my belly and legs. Then her helper comes in and pins the needles a little. I guess this is to stimulate the points where the needles are sticking. It usually doesn't really hurt. She leaves the room and I don't get to see her any more. Her helper comes in about every 10 minutes to pin the needles. After about 30 minutes, he comes back in takes the needles out and then I am free to go. I usually fall asleep during the procedure. Afterwards I feel completely relaxed.
Yesterday she suggested using electrical stimulation for the needles. It was first awkward to think about the idea of having little electro shocks. But she said, it is more effective than the needle pinching. Well, if that is the case. Bring it on!!!
Afterwards I had to turn around and she focused on my kidneys. I never had to turn around before. She set some needles for just 3 minutes. And then I was done. I wonder why she is changing her technique now. As long as it helps me, I don't mind. Anyone out there who has experiences with acupuncture? What does your acupuncturist usually do? Do they use electrical stimulating?
We just changed our health insurance to one that pays 24 treatments a year. I have been paying the acupuncture myself for the last year. Which was quite a lot. I just did a quick calculation. I went there every two weeks for about 6 months, plus during our IVFs every week for another 6 months. I guess, I have paid about $1600 to 2000 for this little luxury. Plus the costs for the herbs. But it has helped me overcome the endometriosis. And it was all worth it. Even if I didn't get a sustainable pregnancy out of this.
When I did the acupuncture while doing IVF simultaneously, we had 6 eggs to start with after the IVF retrieval. When I didn't have time to go there regularly while we did our third round of IVF, we only got 3 although we were stimulating at a much higher dose. I guess that says it all.
I am meeting the D.C. Stirrup Queens and Lori this week-end and am very excited to meet people that I have never met in person, but which have supported me more than some of my friends IRL. Have a great weekend.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
The loss of a biological child
I just called the adoption agency. They have all our paperwork except the guardianship agreement and the driving record which should be in the mail today. Our caseworker has sent out the clearances last week and they usually take 4 weeks to come back.
They also mailed out the reference letters to our friends. I already received an email from one of our friends that they had received the letter from the agency and will draft something.
Then they will assign us a social worker to complete our home study. Once we have been assigned the social worker, the process takes usually 4-6 weeks, but it can go even faster. At this point it can't go fast enough for us.
While I realize that we might end up having an adopted child, it means also that we might never have biological children. We haven't really completely given up hope yet. But I am not getting any younger and I will be turning 34 this year. It would be a big surprise if we would actually end up having a biological child.
I have nearly given up the dream of conceiving naturally in bed like so many of our friends. I have learned to live with the fact that whether we have biological children or not might be determined by our finances. Our only chance of having biological children might be IVF to maximize our chances. And we don't have the resources to continue pursuing fertility treatments every month. My high FSH level is another reason that makes it less likely to happen. My body doesn't seem to want to cooperate with our dreams.
Since I was a little girl, I dreamed about having a family with children. I was looking forward to seeing that positive pregnancy test on the bathroom counter. I was wondering how I would tell my husband that we are expecting a baby. And my parents. I was looking forward to feeling a baby grow inside me. I was looking forward to the first ultrasound. I was looking forward to the first time I could feel our baby move inside me. My husband has this beautiful smile and I always was looking forward to seeing that smile in our children. I was wondering which traits they might have from whom of us. I might never experience this.
It also means the end of the genealogical line of our family which is particularly hard for my parents. While they will be thrilled to have finally a grandchild, they will have to realize that their gens won't be given to the next generation.
Our children will have different parents that will be connected to our family forever. Another woman will experience the first ultrasound and the first movements of our baby. And I won't be there for the first ultrasound. I won't feel it kicking. And I won't be able to protect our child for the first nine months before it is born.
I am grieving for that loss. And I understand it is a normal process. But it still hurts like hell.
They also mailed out the reference letters to our friends. I already received an email from one of our friends that they had received the letter from the agency and will draft something.
Then they will assign us a social worker to complete our home study. Once we have been assigned the social worker, the process takes usually 4-6 weeks, but it can go even faster. At this point it can't go fast enough for us.
While I realize that we might end up having an adopted child, it means also that we might never have biological children. We haven't really completely given up hope yet. But I am not getting any younger and I will be turning 34 this year. It would be a big surprise if we would actually end up having a biological child.
I have nearly given up the dream of conceiving naturally in bed like so many of our friends. I have learned to live with the fact that whether we have biological children or not might be determined by our finances. Our only chance of having biological children might be IVF to maximize our chances. And we don't have the resources to continue pursuing fertility treatments every month. My high FSH level is another reason that makes it less likely to happen. My body doesn't seem to want to cooperate with our dreams.
Since I was a little girl, I dreamed about having a family with children. I was looking forward to seeing that positive pregnancy test on the bathroom counter. I was wondering how I would tell my husband that we are expecting a baby. And my parents. I was looking forward to feeling a baby grow inside me. I was looking forward to the first ultrasound. I was looking forward to the first time I could feel our baby move inside me. My husband has this beautiful smile and I always was looking forward to seeing that smile in our children. I was wondering which traits they might have from whom of us. I might never experience this.
It also means the end of the genealogical line of our family which is particularly hard for my parents. While they will be thrilled to have finally a grandchild, they will have to realize that their gens won't be given to the next generation.
Our children will have different parents that will be connected to our family forever. Another woman will experience the first ultrasound and the first movements of our baby. And I won't be there for the first ultrasound. I won't feel it kicking. And I won't be able to protect our child for the first nine months before it is born.
I am grieving for that loss. And I understand it is a normal process. But it still hurts like hell.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Happy new Year!
Happy new year to all of you!!! It seems like I have been MIA for quite a while, but we were pretty busy the last week, so I decided to take a break from blogging. But now I am back.
First thing, I want to share, is that my SIL and I finally talked. It turns out there were several misunderstandings on both sides. We made up and I had a great time hanging out with her and our super cute little nephew. We went shopping a lot and went for nice walks. Christmas was really nice. It was pretty special to be able to witness our nephew's first Christmas and everybody was standing around him like paparazzis with cameras while he was sitting under the Christmas tree surrounded by tons of presents. But for him it was the best thing to take his Christmas present and chew on the wrapping paper. Priceless! We also had tons of fantastic food and went out for dinner a lot. The only sad thing was that my FIL found out on Christmas eve that his SIL was not doing very well. She had been fighting cancer for several years and last summer had decided to stop chemotherapy.
My dear hubbi gave me a trip to Charlottesville for Christmas, which was really nice of him. I like this kind of surprises. We left last Friday and drove through the middle of nowhere to get there. We stayed in a nice four star hotel (I didn't bring my bathing suit unfortunately - they had a pool) and on Saturday we went to see Monticello where Jefferson had his home. It was so interesting to learn more about that part of American history. On Saturday night we went ice-skating on the skating ring just outside our hotel. It was actually my first time. I had been rollerblading before, so it was a little easier on me. And it turned out to be lots of fun.
On Sunday we drove back through the Shenandoah National Park. Unfortunately the weather was rainy and foggy and we didn't get to see a lot. But we saw deer grazing on the side of the road and we took some nice pictures of them.
Yesterday I picked up the guardianship agreement from the mail, bought screws at the Home Depot, took our dirty shirts to the laundry and finished some projects around the house. I also repaired our broken kitchen cabinet door. And last night we went out with friends to the Melting Pot. It is one of my favorite restaurants. One friend from Europe that I hadn't seen for two and a half years was visiting his girl-friend here and it was so nice to catch up with him. I worked with him before and he is such a funny guy. I really miss working with him and we laughed a lot.
We went for a walk today and I asked dh whether he wanted to buy any furniture or equipment before we have a referral. We both agree that we don't feel comfortable doing so without having a referral. We agreed that we would put in our home study that we would be willing to adopt one or two children. Twins would be great. We won't know what equipment to buy before we have more information on the baby or babies. We decided that we will just run out to Target once we have a referral. It is starting to think in. 2008 might be the year when we will become parents. Wow!!!
Dh finished his biography and sent it to the agency today. Tomorrow we'll mail the rest of our paper work. And then we'll have to wait. And wait. And wait... Have I told you that patience doesn't belong amongst my best traits?
First thing, I want to share, is that my SIL and I finally talked. It turns out there were several misunderstandings on both sides. We made up and I had a great time hanging out with her and our super cute little nephew. We went shopping a lot and went for nice walks. Christmas was really nice. It was pretty special to be able to witness our nephew's first Christmas and everybody was standing around him like paparazzis with cameras while he was sitting under the Christmas tree surrounded by tons of presents. But for him it was the best thing to take his Christmas present and chew on the wrapping paper. Priceless! We also had tons of fantastic food and went out for dinner a lot. The only sad thing was that my FIL found out on Christmas eve that his SIL was not doing very well. She had been fighting cancer for several years and last summer had decided to stop chemotherapy.
My dear hubbi gave me a trip to Charlottesville for Christmas, which was really nice of him. I like this kind of surprises. We left last Friday and drove through the middle of nowhere to get there. We stayed in a nice four star hotel (I didn't bring my bathing suit unfortunately - they had a pool) and on Saturday we went to see Monticello where Jefferson had his home. It was so interesting to learn more about that part of American history. On Saturday night we went ice-skating on the skating ring just outside our hotel. It was actually my first time. I had been rollerblading before, so it was a little easier on me. And it turned out to be lots of fun.
On Sunday we drove back through the Shenandoah National Park. Unfortunately the weather was rainy and foggy and we didn't get to see a lot. But we saw deer grazing on the side of the road and we took some nice pictures of them.
Yesterday I picked up the guardianship agreement from the mail, bought screws at the Home Depot, took our dirty shirts to the laundry and finished some projects around the house. I also repaired our broken kitchen cabinet door. And last night we went out with friends to the Melting Pot. It is one of my favorite restaurants. One friend from Europe that I hadn't seen for two and a half years was visiting his girl-friend here and it was so nice to catch up with him. I worked with him before and he is such a funny guy. I really miss working with him and we laughed a lot.
We went for a walk today and I asked dh whether he wanted to buy any furniture or equipment before we have a referral. We both agree that we don't feel comfortable doing so without having a referral. We agreed that we would put in our home study that we would be willing to adopt one or two children. Twins would be great. We won't know what equipment to buy before we have more information on the baby or babies. We decided that we will just run out to Target once we have a referral. It is starting to think in. 2008 might be the year when we will become parents. Wow!!!
Dh finished his biography and sent it to the agency today. Tomorrow we'll mail the rest of our paper work. And then we'll have to wait. And wait. And wait... Have I told you that patience doesn't belong amongst my best traits?
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