Of course all my venting before the trip was exaggerated. The first day was not so bad after all. We arrived at my BIL's house yesterday around 4:30 p.m. after sitting in traffic for what felt like a real long time. It actually took us about an hour to drive about 5 miles. The HOV lane didn't really help either. While we were overtaking a lot of cars first, cars started to pile up at the end of the HOV lane and of course it took forever.
We went to BIL's house and our nephew was cute as hell. He is not shy with his smiles. My MIL said to dh: "Give him to Yoka, so she can hold him. I can't wait until you get one of your own." This is the thing. She didn't realize how hurtful her comment was for me. She doesn't understand that we don't know when we'll have one of our own. It can take a freaking long time. And I know that she didn't want to hurt me. This is the thing about infertility. People make comments and don't even realize how much it hurts. And infertility makes you so sensitive to every single thing they say.
We went to my FIL's restaurant after that to say hi and ate a little something. We returned to my BIL's house after that and had a really nice evening. SIL made her famous macaroni and cheese and we had a nice conversation. They asked us about the adoption process and how long it was going to take. I wish I knew that. This is the thing: it is an equation with so many unknowns. I wish I knew when we will be done with our home study. I wish I knew when we will be done with our profile. I wish I knew if and when a birthmother might pick us.
The fingerprints are taken. the guardianship agreement is signed, notarized, and in the mail from our friends back to us. But of course it will arrive when we are not home. We'll have to wait until we come home to send it back to the agency.
My MIL brought the missing paperwork from NY for the home study. We mailed the rest of the paperwork on Friday night. When I went to pick up our mail, my driving record had arrived. I put that in the mail as well.
My driving recorded showed that I had a conviction for driving with an unlicensed vehicle. That happened in July. We had just gotten back from Europe and DH had to go down to Houston. I drove him to the airport in his car (it is technically his car because he bought it and my name is not on the title). On my way back home I was stopped by a cop. That was the first time that I was ever stopped in the US and I was pretty shocked. Virginia had just introduced the new law for reckless driving. I didn't think I had been going to fast, but who knows? The cop told me that he had stopped me because our license plates were expired. Great! I didn't even know that they do expire. Here I was, a foreigner sitting in hubbies car not knowing which papers I needed to hand to the cop. I only claim it is our car, if it is convenient. If the car has to go to the shop, it is usually his car. I tried crying. That didn't help. Being blond didn't help either. He was a mean, mean cop. He told me then it was just a paper offense and I shouldn't worry about it. He immediately gave me a court date. I was shocked. In Europe you don't have to go to court for a traffic ticket. The cop made me promise to take care of it the next day. He said if I could prove it to him in court, he would see that he could do for me. Needless to say that I had it all taken care of the next day (while my hubbie was in Houston, he never seems to be around for inconvenient business). I then thought, I will go to court and it will be alright. The cop will help me, he promised me.
I went to the court a couple of weeks later. It was kind of an interesting cultural experience. I had never been to a court in the U.S. before. I looked around for the officer and had asked other officers for him. He was not there. Great. When the judge called me, I went to the front. She asked me whether I was guilty of driving with expired license plates. I said "Yes. But I took care of it the next day." She reduced the fine to $10. I was really relieved. But when I went to pay, I had to pay the administrative fees as well and ended up with $75 less on our bank account. What do we learn from that experience? You can't even trust cops in this country.
DH plans to write his biography while we are down here. And tomorrow, we'll copy his driving record and mail it to the agency. Have I mentioned it was as white as a piece of paper?
Today we drove to the restaurant for breakfast and now it is 2:30 p.m. and we are still here. DH is playing darts with his dad. I know that he needs this time, but I am more or less bored here. I was doing a Soduko earlier and read blogs, but now I am starting to get really, really bored. It is always the same when we come here. We hang out at the restaurant all day and then we go out for dinner. But it is raining anyway, so who cares?
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
More ramblings on Christmas
Before I head home from the office, I just wanted to give you a short update. The doctor's office actually managed to get all our paperwork ready and I picked it up this morning. Hubbie is getting his fingers printed right now. We might mail out the paperwork this afternoon. I am concerned it won't arrive there any time soon, but driving all the way to the agency in MD might be a little bit exaggerated.
I also send my application out today for the job of my dreams in Caracas. They are already negotiating with someone internally, but who knows. Maybe I'll still have a shot. I probably have an interview in February when I'm in Europe. I already talked to the personal chief.
So next week is Christmas and we will be heading down to North Carolina. We will stay with my FIL whom I love. We will be celebrating at my BIL's house. My MIL is coming there as well. I have mixed emotions how Christmas is going to be. My BIL's wife is very strange. I feel like she hates me. She is always friendly when we are down there, but after we leave it is like we don't exist. She never calls and doesn't seem to be interested in our lives at all. Until a couple of months ago, I used to call there once in a while. I stopped. She was screening my calls and didn't call back. I even deleted her phone number out of my cell phone. What is the point? She doesn't seem to care about my existence.
She knows about our struggles, but never, not even once, asked how I was doing. It is really weird. I was so happy to marry into this family, because I hoped to become friends with her. When I was growing up, there was no girl my age in our family. I always missed having a sister. I had so hoped we would be friends.
I also send my application out today for the job of my dreams in Caracas. They are already negotiating with someone internally, but who knows. Maybe I'll still have a shot. I probably have an interview in February when I'm in Europe. I already talked to the personal chief.
So next week is Christmas and we will be heading down to North Carolina. We will stay with my FIL whom I love. We will be celebrating at my BIL's house. My MIL is coming there as well. I have mixed emotions how Christmas is going to be. My BIL's wife is very strange. I feel like she hates me. She is always friendly when we are down there, but after we leave it is like we don't exist. She never calls and doesn't seem to be interested in our lives at all. Until a couple of months ago, I used to call there once in a while. I stopped. She was screening my calls and didn't call back. I even deleted her phone number out of my cell phone. What is the point? She doesn't seem to care about my existence.
She knows about our struggles, but never, not even once, asked how I was doing. It is really weird. I was so happy to marry into this family, because I hoped to become friends with her. When I was growing up, there was no girl my age in our family. I always missed having a sister. I had so hoped we would be friends.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Another thing to cross of the list
Yesterday morning we had the doctor's appointment with my RE for the adoption forms. Of course, they didn't have the test results from November from me, so I had to do it all over. We even did our TB test there. Tomorrow the results should be in and I will pick them up.
I also asked the doctor about my FSH level. He didn't seem too concerned as they are fluctuating. He told us the story of him being new in town many years ago. At that time most doctors wouldn't accept patients with high FSH levels. Because he was new, he had to accept them in order to generate some business. And he would see these patients get pregnant. I asked about the AMH test. AMH stands for Anti-Malaria-Hormone which is produced by the follicles. It is assumed that they would produce less if the ovarian reserve is limited. But what does it mean?
My RE doesn't think that all those levels indicate whether we can have children or not. But he was pretty sure that because I have had elevated FSH levels twice, I am more likely to start menopause earlier than the average woman. So instead of 51-53, it could be two years earlier or 10 years earlier. He doesn't know.
Hubbie is doing his fingerprints tomorrow. His employment letter arrived in the mail yesterday. Tomorrow afternoon we will mail all the paperwork we have collected so far to the agency.
And hubbie will work on his biography over Christmas. I can already see that won't be happening as we are going to North Carolina to see his family. We will spend our time with them and there won't be time to do the biography... We'll see. Hopefully before New Year's eve.
I called one adoption agency in Texas, but they haven't called me back yet. I also send them an email asking about how many families they have currently waiting and how many placements they do on average in a year. They wrote me back that I can find all their information on their homepage. I guess they don't want us as clients.
Because it was so much fun to do all this paperwork, I actually started to fill out the forms to apply for the U.S. citizenship.
On a different note: Homer is gone. I noticed that he wasn't at this usual bench for a couple of weeks now. His stuff was still there, so I wasn't too concerned first. I thought he must have just gone to get a coffee or something. When I didn't see him for a couple of days, I began to worry. Then one morning last week, I walked through the park and saw another homeless guy standing next to Homer's bench and stuff. I asked him whether he knew what had happened to Homer. And he told me was taking care of Homer's stuff and that he wasn't sure that Homer was still alive or not. He had been taken to the hospital because of the cold. I was shocked. I asked whether he knew his last name and of course, he didn't know it. And then I asked which hospital he should be in. He told me that he should be in George Washington Hospital a few blocks from here.
When I got to the office, I called GW Hospital to find out whether they could tell me something about Homer. Without a last name, there was no chance that he could be found they told me. I really wish I could visit him and see how he is doing. I am sure he doesn't have any visitors coming. I assume that being in the hospital, lying in a bed and getting served three meals a day is way better than to live in a park, especially when the weather is in the low 40ies. But I pray that he is doing alright. I miss him on my way to the Metro after work.
I also asked the doctor about my FSH level. He didn't seem too concerned as they are fluctuating. He told us the story of him being new in town many years ago. At that time most doctors wouldn't accept patients with high FSH levels. Because he was new, he had to accept them in order to generate some business. And he would see these patients get pregnant. I asked about the AMH test. AMH stands for Anti-Malaria-Hormone which is produced by the follicles. It is assumed that they would produce less if the ovarian reserve is limited. But what does it mean?
My RE doesn't think that all those levels indicate whether we can have children or not. But he was pretty sure that because I have had elevated FSH levels twice, I am more likely to start menopause earlier than the average woman. So instead of 51-53, it could be two years earlier or 10 years earlier. He doesn't know.
Hubbie is doing his fingerprints tomorrow. His employment letter arrived in the mail yesterday. Tomorrow afternoon we will mail all the paperwork we have collected so far to the agency.
And hubbie will work on his biography over Christmas. I can already see that won't be happening as we are going to North Carolina to see his family. We will spend our time with them and there won't be time to do the biography... We'll see. Hopefully before New Year's eve.
I called one adoption agency in Texas, but they haven't called me back yet. I also send them an email asking about how many families they have currently waiting and how many placements they do on average in a year. They wrote me back that I can find all their information on their homepage. I guess they don't want us as clients.
Because it was so much fun to do all this paperwork, I actually started to fill out the forms to apply for the U.S. citizenship.
On a different note: Homer is gone. I noticed that he wasn't at this usual bench for a couple of weeks now. His stuff was still there, so I wasn't too concerned first. I thought he must have just gone to get a coffee or something. When I didn't see him for a couple of days, I began to worry. Then one morning last week, I walked through the park and saw another homeless guy standing next to Homer's bench and stuff. I asked him whether he knew what had happened to Homer. And he told me was taking care of Homer's stuff and that he wasn't sure that Homer was still alive or not. He had been taken to the hospital because of the cold. I was shocked. I asked whether he knew his last name and of course, he didn't know it. And then I asked which hospital he should be in. He told me that he should be in George Washington Hospital a few blocks from here.
When I got to the office, I called GW Hospital to find out whether they could tell me something about Homer. Without a last name, there was no chance that he could be found they told me. I really wish I could visit him and see how he is doing. I am sure he doesn't have any visitors coming. I assume that being in the hospital, lying in a bed and getting served three meals a day is way better than to live in a park, especially when the weather is in the low 40ies. But I pray that he is doing alright. I miss him on my way to the Metro after work.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
My uncooperative cervix
Today I went to get my HSG. For all of those of you who don't know what it is, I found a nice definition online:
A hysterosalpingogram is an X-ray of the uterus and fallopian tubes which allows visualization of the inside of the uterus and tubes. The picture will reveal any abnormalities of the uterus as well as tubal problems such as blockage and dilation.
Most of my friends from infertile island know what it is anyway. It was very painful and my cervix not very cooperative. But when the dye was running through my tubes, I still had to smile through all the pain. Because my doctor told me that both tubes are clear. At least my tubes are cooperating. I wish the uterus would, too.
Tomorrow we have our doctor's exam. He will be able to do all our tests. Even the TB tests. That is a big relief as we won't have to schedule extra exams to get our medical exams for the adoption. It is a bit funny that we are doing the testing at my RE. But as long as we get it done quick...
We went to pick up our mail today to see whether my Virginia driving record has already arrived. Unfortunately it was not there, yet. Last night we went over my biography to correct all my English writing mistakes. Today I changed it. After I put in two line space mode, I had way too much. So I shortened it down to 9 pages. I wonder when hubbie, who read me his outline last night, is gonna write his...
The guardianship agreement that we gave our friends yesterday will be signed and notarized this week as well. And on Thursday or Friday hopefully hubbie will have the fingerprints as well, so that we can send them to the agency.
A hysterosalpingogram is an X-ray of the uterus and fallopian tubes which allows visualization of the inside of the uterus and tubes. The picture will reveal any abnormalities of the uterus as well as tubal problems such as blockage and dilation.
Most of my friends from infertile island know what it is anyway. It was very painful and my cervix not very cooperative. But when the dye was running through my tubes, I still had to smile through all the pain. Because my doctor told me that both tubes are clear. At least my tubes are cooperating. I wish the uterus would, too.
Tomorrow we have our doctor's exam. He will be able to do all our tests. Even the TB tests. That is a big relief as we won't have to schedule extra exams to get our medical exams for the adoption. It is a bit funny that we are doing the testing at my RE. But as long as we get it done quick...
We went to pick up our mail today to see whether my Virginia driving record has already arrived. Unfortunately it was not there, yet. Last night we went over my biography to correct all my English writing mistakes. Today I changed it. After I put in two line space mode, I had way too much. So I shortened it down to 9 pages. I wonder when hubbie, who read me his outline last night, is gonna write his...
The guardianship agreement that we gave our friends yesterday will be signed and notarized this week as well. And on Thursday or Friday hopefully hubbie will have the fingerprints as well, so that we can send them to the agency.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Three parties might be one too much...
We had a great week-end. On Friday night we worked on our basement and cleaned out more stuff we want to get rid off. Our friends had planned to do a yard-sale this week-end, but didn't do it. so we might have one ourselves once it gets a little warmer.
On Saturday morning I went to the Leesburg outlet with a friend from Europe who happened to be in town for business to do some Christmas shopping. We had a great time and it was a true pleasure to go shopping with her.
I am not amongst those people who are true shopoholics. I am not able to shop for a full day from morning to evening. I try on some stuff and after a while I get tired and only want to go home. It is hard if your friends do have different shopping habits than yourself. I prefer to go shopping with similar-minded shoppers. We went through the whole mall, but we didn't go into every store. So after about four hours of shopping, we drove back home.
We had invitations to three parties that night. I had told my husband before, that I didn't think we were able to make all three of them. But he was very positive that we would. One of my husbands former colleagues was hosting his traditional Christmas party. We went there, but ended up staying longer than anticipated. They had great food and we all exchanged presents. The second party was in the U-Street Corridor of D.C., a birthday party for a friend. We ended up arriving there around 12:30 a.m. and only stayed half an hour. Then we planned to go to the next party, but I called before and it turns out that they had just finished. So we made only two parties.
Yesterday we met friends for church and brunch and had a good time. In the afternoon I started to bake some Christmas cookies. But I still want to make at least one more batch.
We are still working on the paperwork for the home study. In my lunch break today I went to get my finger prints. You kind of feel like a criminal, but in the end it is all worth it.
Now we only need our medical forms done. My hubbie went this morning to our RE to do the blood work for the HIV test. I don't know whether they might be able to do the TB test there as well. Maybe we'll have to go to another doctor for that.
I copied our financial information, so that is done as well. The written evacuation plan is another thing on our To-Do-list for this week. Does anyone have any experience what needs to be in such a plan?
On Saturday morning I went to the Leesburg outlet with a friend from Europe who happened to be in town for business to do some Christmas shopping. We had a great time and it was a true pleasure to go shopping with her.
I am not amongst those people who are true shopoholics. I am not able to shop for a full day from morning to evening. I try on some stuff and after a while I get tired and only want to go home. It is hard if your friends do have different shopping habits than yourself. I prefer to go shopping with similar-minded shoppers. We went through the whole mall, but we didn't go into every store. So after about four hours of shopping, we drove back home.
We had invitations to three parties that night. I had told my husband before, that I didn't think we were able to make all three of them. But he was very positive that we would. One of my husbands former colleagues was hosting his traditional Christmas party. We went there, but ended up staying longer than anticipated. They had great food and we all exchanged presents. The second party was in the U-Street Corridor of D.C., a birthday party for a friend. We ended up arriving there around 12:30 a.m. and only stayed half an hour. Then we planned to go to the next party, but I called before and it turns out that they had just finished. So we made only two parties.
Yesterday we met friends for church and brunch and had a good time. In the afternoon I started to bake some Christmas cookies. But I still want to make at least one more batch.
We are still working on the paperwork for the home study. In my lunch break today I went to get my finger prints. You kind of feel like a criminal, but in the end it is all worth it.
Now we only need our medical forms done. My hubbie went this morning to our RE to do the blood work for the HIV test. I don't know whether they might be able to do the TB test there as well. Maybe we'll have to go to another doctor for that.
I copied our financial information, so that is done as well. The written evacuation plan is another thing on our To-Do-list for this week. Does anyone have any experience what needs to be in such a plan?
Friday, December 14, 2007
That was pretty easy
Sorry for not updating you guys before, but as you can imagine I was really busy today. The meeting at the adoption agency went very well. We talked to the Director of Domestic Programs. She was super nice and we spent over an hour with her. She asked about our motivation to adopt and about our families and jobs.
And then she gave us the checklist for the paperwork. I always thought it was tons of paperwork and took forever to accomplish. Was I wrong. Don't be scared of the paperwork, people out there. It is not that bad.
We need to finish the home study:
- Individual typed autobiography for each applicant (I have been working on mine last night and today, so done for me, hubby still needs to do his)
- Criminal Clearances (with fingerprints) - we'll do this next week as they only do them from 1:00 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. (My suggestion to commit a small crime to get them done earlier didn't go so well with my husband)
- Sworn Disclosure Statement - done
- Child Abuse Clearances - done
- Guardianship agreement (this is a tough one. Whom would you give your child in case you die? We have identified some friends who would be perfect - they'll raise our children in a Christian faith and would be able to keep them connected to my family. We asked them, but haven't heard from them yet; they need to fill out the form and notarize it)
- Medical forms completed by physicians (I thought I had done mine already, but the doctor's office can't find anything. Great. Scheduled husband for Monday morning)
- Immunization Form (of course, we'll immunize our children, done)
- Copy of our most recently filed 1040 Federal Income Tax Return (done)
- Employment letter stating current salary, current position & start date on company letterhead (mine is done, waiting for husbands to arrive with mail, was sent out today)
- Financial Information (copy of mortgage, checkings/savings acct., IRA, etc., still to do)
- Copy of marriage certificate - done
- Copy of birth certificates - done
- Copy of certified "life-time" driving record from all states the applicant has resided in the last five years (ordered)
- Signed corporal punishment statement (no, we won't hit our children, done)
- Written plan of evacuation (still to do)
- Fire and Safety inspection self-survey form (done)
Not bad for 24 hours... The lady told us the fastest they ever had was two weeks. We probably won't be able to trump that, but I hope to have everything (except maybe the lifetime driving record that can take up to two weeks) ready by the end of next week, so that we can start with the home study interviews after Xmas. Because their comprehensive program is closed at this point she gave us some out of area agencies to consult. Because we are open to any race, open adoption, etc. she was pretty positive that we might be able to get a baby before we move overseas. Wow! That would be amazing. I am just sitting here and wondering whether our baby is maybe already in another woman's womb. Moving, growing and waiting to be born. I am starting to get excited.
Last night we decorated our Christmas tree. It was a really nice evening as we were listening to Christmas music and getting in the mood. We were both talking about how we had thought last Christmas, that that was the last Christmas we spent as an infertile couple. We had so high hopes that we would be a family by now. Will it still be just the two of us next year? Or will we be able to realize our dream to become a family by then?
And then she gave us the checklist for the paperwork. I always thought it was tons of paperwork and took forever to accomplish. Was I wrong. Don't be scared of the paperwork, people out there. It is not that bad.
We need to finish the home study:
- Individual typed autobiography for each applicant (I have been working on mine last night and today, so done for me, hubby still needs to do his)
- Criminal Clearances (with fingerprints) - we'll do this next week as they only do them from 1:00 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. (My suggestion to commit a small crime to get them done earlier didn't go so well with my husband)
- Sworn Disclosure Statement - done
- Child Abuse Clearances - done
- Guardianship agreement (this is a tough one. Whom would you give your child in case you die? We have identified some friends who would be perfect - they'll raise our children in a Christian faith and would be able to keep them connected to my family. We asked them, but haven't heard from them yet; they need to fill out the form and notarize it)
- Medical forms completed by physicians (I thought I had done mine already, but the doctor's office can't find anything. Great. Scheduled husband for Monday morning)
- Immunization Form (of course, we'll immunize our children, done)
- Copy of our most recently filed 1040 Federal Income Tax Return (done)
- Employment letter stating current salary, current position & start date on company letterhead (mine is done, waiting for husbands to arrive with mail, was sent out today)
- Financial Information (copy of mortgage, checkings/savings acct., IRA, etc., still to do)
- Copy of marriage certificate - done
- Copy of birth certificates - done
- Copy of certified "life-time" driving record from all states the applicant has resided in the last five years (ordered)
- Signed corporal punishment statement (no, we won't hit our children, done)
- Written plan of evacuation (still to do)
- Fire and Safety inspection self-survey form (done)
Not bad for 24 hours... The lady told us the fastest they ever had was two weeks. We probably won't be able to trump that, but I hope to have everything (except maybe the lifetime driving record that can take up to two weeks) ready by the end of next week, so that we can start with the home study interviews after Xmas. Because their comprehensive program is closed at this point she gave us some out of area agencies to consult. Because we are open to any race, open adoption, etc. she was pretty positive that we might be able to get a baby before we move overseas. Wow! That would be amazing. I am just sitting here and wondering whether our baby is maybe already in another woman's womb. Moving, growing and waiting to be born. I am starting to get excited.
Last night we decorated our Christmas tree. It was a really nice evening as we were listening to Christmas music and getting in the mood. We were both talking about how we had thought last Christmas, that that was the last Christmas we spent as an infertile couple. We had so high hopes that we would be a family by now. Will it still be just the two of us next year? Or will we be able to realize our dream to become a family by then?
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Seven random things about me...
I am so excited because Hoping for a child tagged me. If I understand this correctly, I'm supposed to list seven random or unusual things about myself and then tag seven others...
Anyway, here goes.
1. I grew up on a farm with dairy cows.
2. My parents, my brother and me took our first vacation as a family in 2003 when I was 29 years old.
3. I love to watch "The Unit", "Tyra Banks Show", "Desperate Housewives", and "24"
4. I love to play Minigolf.
5. If I could choose my last supper before I die, it would be my Mom's duck with potato dumplings.
6. I love to sleep and hibernate in the winter. I can spend a whole week-end on the couch.
7. My order at Starbucks is a grande Caramel Macchiato (winter) and an iced grande Caramel Macchiato (summer).
I would like to tag Mary Ellen, Lori, Lindsay, Katie, Serenity Cam, and Yodasmistress.
This morning I had a great and long telephone conversation with my best friend. She has already two kids and they were screaming in the background. One of them is my god-child and I feel so blessed to have her and her family in my life. She is wonderful and I miss her every day and am sad that she lives so far away. We met at a party convention party and had so much fun that night and many nights after that. We have been best friends since then and spent lots of time together. We share a lot of beautiful memories of a time when we were both young and single. She wants me to move back to Europe, but that ain't happening any time soon...
Today I went in to see my acupuncturist. She is a Chinese doctor and I always feel great and relaxed after the acupuncture. Very often I fall asleep during the treatment. My husband calls her the "witch doctor" because she has given me all kinds of herbs: something to strengthen my kidneys, something when I had the first miscarriage (unfortunately too late), and a couple of months ago, she has given me the best thing ever; a Chinese medicine with which I can keep my endometriosis under control. I haven't had any problems since and am very happy about it. There was a time in my life in the last year and parts of this year where I felt there was nothing I could do to live a life free of pain. She has given me a cure that allows me to live pain-free without having to go on the pill. I can't emphasize enough how blessed I feel to have her. I told her about my FSH level of 26.6 from Monday and she said that my ovaries are overstressed and I should wait. It will regulate itself again, but I should just try naturally. Well, at this point, we don't really have a choice, do we? It sounded like she still believes that we might be able to conceive naturally - one day.
The lady from the agency called me finally back yesterday afternoon. I told her the situation and managed to squeeze us in for today at 5:30 p.m. I am very excited that we finally get to find out which information we have to get together for our home study.
Anyway, here goes.
1. I grew up on a farm with dairy cows.
2. My parents, my brother and me took our first vacation as a family in 2003 when I was 29 years old.
3. I love to watch "The Unit", "Tyra Banks Show", "Desperate Housewives", and "24"
4. I love to play Minigolf.
5. If I could choose my last supper before I die, it would be my Mom's duck with potato dumplings.
6. I love to sleep and hibernate in the winter. I can spend a whole week-end on the couch.
7. My order at Starbucks is a grande Caramel Macchiato (winter) and an iced grande Caramel Macchiato (summer).
I would like to tag Mary Ellen, Lori, Lindsay, Katie, Serenity Cam, and Yodasmistress.
This morning I had a great and long telephone conversation with my best friend. She has already two kids and they were screaming in the background. One of them is my god-child and I feel so blessed to have her and her family in my life. She is wonderful and I miss her every day and am sad that she lives so far away. We met at a party convention party and had so much fun that night and many nights after that. We have been best friends since then and spent lots of time together. We share a lot of beautiful memories of a time when we were both young and single. She wants me to move back to Europe, but that ain't happening any time soon...
Today I went in to see my acupuncturist. She is a Chinese doctor and I always feel great and relaxed after the acupuncture. Very often I fall asleep during the treatment. My husband calls her the "witch doctor" because she has given me all kinds of herbs: something to strengthen my kidneys, something when I had the first miscarriage (unfortunately too late), and a couple of months ago, she has given me the best thing ever; a Chinese medicine with which I can keep my endometriosis under control. I haven't had any problems since and am very happy about it. There was a time in my life in the last year and parts of this year where I felt there was nothing I could do to live a life free of pain. She has given me a cure that allows me to live pain-free without having to go on the pill. I can't emphasize enough how blessed I feel to have her. I told her about my FSH level of 26.6 from Monday and she said that my ovaries are overstressed and I should wait. It will regulate itself again, but I should just try naturally. Well, at this point, we don't really have a choice, do we? It sounded like she still believes that we might be able to conceive naturally - one day.
The lady from the agency called me finally back yesterday afternoon. I told her the situation and managed to squeeze us in for today at 5:30 p.m. I am very excited that we finally get to find out which information we have to get together for our home study.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Phone Tag
Yesterday morning I told my Dad about our adoption plans. He asked me whether I couldn't have children so I told him the whole story. I had always tried to protect him because of my health, but I feel like he needs to know. He said that he fully supports us in this case and that he is very happy and looking forward to meeting his first grandchild. I was really surprise how well he took it. I told him it was our little secret and he shouldn't share it with the rest of the world, yet. And he asked whether he could tell my Mom. He seems really excited about it. How sweet. I told him that my Mom already knows and that she has not been very helpful so far.
Yesterday the lady from the adoption agency finally called back and left a message on my voice-mail after I left her two messages on her voice-mail. I wanted to do the intake meeting on Thursday afternoon because that is the day where my hubby could make it best, but she isn't available that day she said. Instead she offered us Friday morning or next week. I really would like to do it this week, but my husband and I both have to work on Friday morning. I might be able to take some time off, but my hubby won't because he is currently in a training class. But fortunately she left me her cell phone number, so I will hopefully be able to reach her. I just tried it, but it was just her voice-mail. Will I ever be able to set up that meeting?
Yesterday the lady from the adoption agency finally called back and left a message on my voice-mail after I left her two messages on her voice-mail. I wanted to do the intake meeting on Thursday afternoon because that is the day where my hubby could make it best, but she isn't available that day she said. Instead she offered us Friday morning or next week. I really would like to do it this week, but my husband and I both have to work on Friday morning. I might be able to take some time off, but my hubby won't because he is currently in a training class. But fortunately she left me her cell phone number, so I will hopefully be able to reach her. I just tried it, but it was just her voice-mail. Will I ever be able to set up that meeting?
Monday, December 10, 2007
Faster than expected...
... came the end of our second IUI. I don't even know where to begin. AF arrived on Saturday and I went in for a day three blood test this morning. I just called the nurse. My FSH level is 26,6 (which is post menopausal according to her). So stimulation wouldn't work and we can't do anything this month. Which means our infertility journey has come to an end for now. Next month we don't have an insurance that would cover IUI and we haven't fulfilled our deductible, so we'll have to pause. I don't understand. My eggs seem to be broken. Why? I am only 33 years old.
The doctor wants me to come in for a consultation meeting next week. I will ask him about the AMH level which seems to be more realistic. I had had a higher FSH level once before, but it went down again in the month to follow. But that doesn't really help us in our quest to do one more IUI before the end of the year. So I guess, we have to accept that we are at a point where we have to build our family through another way. Time to call the lady from the agency and schedule the intake meeting.
The pre-adoption group on Saturday went well. It was great to talk to other couples that are going through the same struggles. We focused on attachment, trans-racial adoption, etc. They also had a birth mother, a teenage adoptee and adoptive parents speak. Especially the birth mother left a lasting impression. It was incredible how much love and thought she put into the whole process. She really wants kids with her boy-friend, but they just weren't in a place where they could provide for the baby. The boy-friend came with her for support and we were impressed how brave they were to come and talk to us about their adoption. She was adopted herself and didn't have a good experience growing up. Her adoptive family wanted her to do an abortion. They told her that they wanted her to move out when she made the decision to keep the baby.
On the way home I realized how terrified I am that my parents will have a hard time to realize that it will be the end of their genealogical line. I haven't talked to my dad about the adoption yet, because I don't want him to worry about me. His health is not very good and I thought, I would tell him once we are further in the process, but I believe I can't protect him by this. I guess I have to share our infertility struggles with him.
My Mom knows about our struggle. But I wouldn't call her super-supportive. She knows how much I hurt, but all she says about adoption is that she can't give us any advice. I wish she would just say, it is o.k. to build your family through adoption. I wish she would just say how much she is looking forward to meeting her adopted grandchild. I told her about the pre adoption group and that we had covered trans-racial adoption. And she answered: "So, you want a black baby?". I told her that we would take any baby we could get. It wouldn't matter whether it is black, white, yellow or green. We are already a bi-racial and bi-cultural couple so why not add more diversity to our family? The only thing she said was that I shouldn't believe that it is going to be easy with an adopted child. Thank you Mom. Great support! I think she is overwhelmed and doesn't know how to handle the situation. Welcome to the club, Mom!!!
The doctor wants me to come in for a consultation meeting next week. I will ask him about the AMH level which seems to be more realistic. I had had a higher FSH level once before, but it went down again in the month to follow. But that doesn't really help us in our quest to do one more IUI before the end of the year. So I guess, we have to accept that we are at a point where we have to build our family through another way. Time to call the lady from the agency and schedule the intake meeting.
The pre-adoption group on Saturday went well. It was great to talk to other couples that are going through the same struggles. We focused on attachment, trans-racial adoption, etc. They also had a birth mother, a teenage adoptee and adoptive parents speak. Especially the birth mother left a lasting impression. It was incredible how much love and thought she put into the whole process. She really wants kids with her boy-friend, but they just weren't in a place where they could provide for the baby. The boy-friend came with her for support and we were impressed how brave they were to come and talk to us about their adoption. She was adopted herself and didn't have a good experience growing up. Her adoptive family wanted her to do an abortion. They told her that they wanted her to move out when she made the decision to keep the baby.
On the way home I realized how terrified I am that my parents will have a hard time to realize that it will be the end of their genealogical line. I haven't talked to my dad about the adoption yet, because I don't want him to worry about me. His health is not very good and I thought, I would tell him once we are further in the process, but I believe I can't protect him by this. I guess I have to share our infertility struggles with him.
My Mom knows about our struggle. But I wouldn't call her super-supportive. She knows how much I hurt, but all she says about adoption is that she can't give us any advice. I wish she would just say, it is o.k. to build your family through adoption. I wish she would just say how much she is looking forward to meeting her adopted grandchild. I told her about the pre adoption group and that we had covered trans-racial adoption. And she answered: "So, you want a black baby?". I told her that we would take any baby we could get. It wouldn't matter whether it is black, white, yellow or green. We are already a bi-racial and bi-cultural couple so why not add more diversity to our family? The only thing she said was that I shouldn't believe that it is going to be easy with an adopted child. Thank you Mom. Great support! I think she is overwhelmed and doesn't know how to handle the situation. Welcome to the club, Mom!!!
Friday, December 7, 2007
Negative
I just called the nurse. The result is negative. Now I have to wait until AF arrives and call in there. They will schedule the HSG for me. I want to do one before the next IUI.
I didn't expect anything else than a negative outcome from this IUI really. I would probably have freaked out if it would have been positive. But the negative is yet again another disappointment. I just want to crawl under a rock and not come out before our adoption is through.
I didn't expect anything else than a negative outcome from this IUI really. I would probably have freaked out if it would have been positive. But the negative is yet again another disappointment. I just want to crawl under a rock and not come out before our adoption is through.
Doomsday
Today is doomsday for us. I just went in for my blood test. This time I even talked to another lady in the waiting room. Everybody is always so quiet and nobody talks to each other. I am on a mission to change this.
I am pretty sure it hasn't worked because I think I saw something on the TP this morning (sorry for TMI). I will get the results this afternoon and hope to be able to update you on the outcome this afternoon.
Yesterday we had a friend from Europe in town who stayed with us last night. The poor guy had applied for a job in D.C. and booked his flight after they invited him for an interview. He had to fill out in his application whether he has a visa for the U.S. or not and he put "No" there. They still invited him for the job interview. Well, when he had the interview, they asked him again "Do you have a visa?". He answered "No." Then the woman said that she couldn't continue the interview then because they couldn't sponsor anyone at this point. Are they crazy. I mean, he paid his flight to come to the freaking interview, he gave them the right information ahead that he didn't have a visa and they still invited him to come. He talked with them twice before. Couldn't they ask the visa question on the phone before they have him come over? I organized him a job interview with a friend and I hope that something is gonna work out for him.
When we got home late last night, we found out that he and his girl-friend are also TTC. He already has a teenage son with his Ex-Wife and didn't think anything was wrong with him. But obviously due to his and his girl-friends age that hasn't been so easy either. They started in May and got pregnant, but had a miscarriage two weeks ago in the eighth week of pregnancy. They had already seen the heartbeat of the baby so it must have been very hard for them. We ended up talking for a long time over the pain of infertility. It is surprising how many people are going through this. He was quite glad to be able to talk about it with us, because he doesn't know any other people who are struggling with infertility as well.
I am pretty sure it hasn't worked because I think I saw something on the TP this morning (sorry for TMI). I will get the results this afternoon and hope to be able to update you on the outcome this afternoon.
Yesterday we had a friend from Europe in town who stayed with us last night. The poor guy had applied for a job in D.C. and booked his flight after they invited him for an interview. He had to fill out in his application whether he has a visa for the U.S. or not and he put "No" there. They still invited him for the job interview. Well, when he had the interview, they asked him again "Do you have a visa?". He answered "No." Then the woman said that she couldn't continue the interview then because they couldn't sponsor anyone at this point. Are they crazy. I mean, he paid his flight to come to the freaking interview, he gave them the right information ahead that he didn't have a visa and they still invited him to come. He talked with them twice before. Couldn't they ask the visa question on the phone before they have him come over? I organized him a job interview with a friend and I hope that something is gonna work out for him.
When we got home late last night, we found out that he and his girl-friend are also TTC. He already has a teenage son with his Ex-Wife and didn't think anything was wrong with him. But obviously due to his and his girl-friends age that hasn't been so easy either. They started in May and got pregnant, but had a miscarriage two weeks ago in the eighth week of pregnancy. They had already seen the heartbeat of the baby so it must have been very hard for them. We ended up talking for a long time over the pain of infertility. It is surprising how many people are going through this. He was quite glad to be able to talk about it with us, because he doesn't know any other people who are struggling with infertility as well.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
12dpiui - one more day
Another day down. I just called the doctor's office and I can come in for the blood test tomorrow. The last day I didn't really fell anything except some stomach pain and several times a shooting pain. After all IUI has just a 15% chance to work anyway. So I am preparing myself for another negative. I still haven't POAS.
Yesterday we had mail from the adoption agency. They sent us our homework for Saturday, including several articles to read and a questionnaire to fill out. The questions were on the articles and most were pretty easy, just the last two I didn't understand. I'll have to ask my hubby about it... I didn't think we had to do homework for the agency, but I just see it as another step that brings us hopefully closer to our dream of enlarging our family.
Last night we sat down and decided on our future health insurance. We both had a gut feeling that we wanted to change back to Blue Cross/Blue Shield and after some plan comparison this is exactly what we did. They don't pay any infertility treatment, but we won't need that next year as we are focusing primarily on adoption.
The other thing we did last night, was to get our X-mas decoration down from the attic and spread it all over the house. And hopefully this week-end we will go out and buy a Christmas Tree. I am not used to having a tree up weeks before Christmas. In my family we didn't put the tree up before the 24th of December which is also the evening when we celebrated Christ's birth. Most of the time, it was my dad bringing in the tree from outside and my mom decorating it. I didn't really like decorating the tree, but got dragged into it several times. Since my dad had his stroke that tradition has changed and Christmas at home will never be the same. I am scared to go home for Christmas because it used to be such a great night when I was growing up. It was really special. But now it is just another night and not that special any more. I guess I have to realize that I am an adult now and Christmas with my parents will never be the same.
And Christmas is the time of the year when infertility hurts like crazy. Christmas is supposed the feast of the family. For me it is not any more the symbol of joy and life. For me it is symbolized by grief. I have my family far away from me. And everything that is so special about it, is a constant reminder of our infertility. I just want it to be over with so that we can transit to the next year.
What will 2008 bring for us? Apart from another move overseas? Will we have a child to love next Christmas?
I still remember that my RE told me last year: "We gonna make 2007 a great year for you!" And I believed it. And a year later, here we are: more than 15.000 dollars poorer and even after two miscarriages and three IVFs not one step closer to having a baby in our arms.
Yesterday we had mail from the adoption agency. They sent us our homework for Saturday, including several articles to read and a questionnaire to fill out. The questions were on the articles and most were pretty easy, just the last two I didn't understand. I'll have to ask my hubby about it... I didn't think we had to do homework for the agency, but I just see it as another step that brings us hopefully closer to our dream of enlarging our family.
Last night we sat down and decided on our future health insurance. We both had a gut feeling that we wanted to change back to Blue Cross/Blue Shield and after some plan comparison this is exactly what we did. They don't pay any infertility treatment, but we won't need that next year as we are focusing primarily on adoption.
The other thing we did last night, was to get our X-mas decoration down from the attic and spread it all over the house. And hopefully this week-end we will go out and buy a Christmas Tree. I am not used to having a tree up weeks before Christmas. In my family we didn't put the tree up before the 24th of December which is also the evening when we celebrated Christ's birth. Most of the time, it was my dad bringing in the tree from outside and my mom decorating it. I didn't really like decorating the tree, but got dragged into it several times. Since my dad had his stroke that tradition has changed and Christmas at home will never be the same. I am scared to go home for Christmas because it used to be such a great night when I was growing up. It was really special. But now it is just another night and not that special any more. I guess I have to realize that I am an adult now and Christmas with my parents will never be the same.
And Christmas is the time of the year when infertility hurts like crazy. Christmas is supposed the feast of the family. For me it is not any more the symbol of joy and life. For me it is symbolized by grief. I have my family far away from me. And everything that is so special about it, is a constant reminder of our infertility. I just want it to be over with so that we can transit to the next year.
What will 2008 bring for us? Apart from another move overseas? Will we have a child to love next Christmas?
I still remember that my RE told me last year: "We gonna make 2007 a great year for you!" And I believed it. And a year later, here we are: more than 15.000 dollars poorer and even after two miscarriages and three IVFs not one step closer to having a baby in our arms.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Honey, let's adopt those four...
I should not have complained about not having any symptoms at all. Yesterday I started to get some cramping (like AF is on her way) and have occasional twinges here and there today. Tomorrow I might call the doctor to find out when I can come in for a blood test. Or should I just wait until AF is here? But the progesterone is probably keeping her away for now...
Yesterday night I had a little meltdown. My husband told me about an email from a friend of us. He and his wife just got married last June, but they were separated because of their jobs for a whole year (with occasional visits). They are expecting as well.
I also got an email from another friend with ultrasound pictures to announce their pregnancy. While I am happy for every single one of them, it hurts so much to have to face the fact that so many people don't seem to have any problems.
Oh, and have I mentioned already that I have a cousin who is two years older than me who just had his fifth child last year? I can't keep track any more with the names and ages of all his children and wouldn't be surprised if they had another one soon. His wife is a doctor and they are very catholic.
It is like the whole wide world around us is pregnant, while we have to wait another months until we can finally start the home study process. The agency called yesterday. They have received the check that I mailed them and they'll mail us information on our mandatory pre-adoption class that we have to take. It will be this Saturday. So at least we will be able to get ahead a little bit.
But back to my meltdown. I did some internet research about waiting children and found those four adorable Asian siblings ages 2 years 9 months to age 7 years that are waiting for a forever family.
I took the computer and showed them to my husband and told him, we should adopt them. He was a bit surprised, because I had told him all the time I want a baby. I still want a baby. But I mean, who is going to adopt four children at once? I understand that it might be a bit hard to go from zero to four children in a couple of weeks. We don't have enough bedrooms for four children. And I don't know whether we could managed financially with four children (clothes, school, daycare) and only one income at this point. But I really feel like I would like to adopt a sibling group. Maybe later. I definitely will keep on checking on them. Maybe if they are still available next summer... We might have more room in our new apartment...
But my dh just took me in his arms and listened to me crying about how much the pain of infertility hurts. He is definitely the best husband in the whole wide world because he can stand me!!!
Yesterday night I had a little meltdown. My husband told me about an email from a friend of us. He and his wife just got married last June, but they were separated because of their jobs for a whole year (with occasional visits). They are expecting as well.
I also got an email from another friend with ultrasound pictures to announce their pregnancy. While I am happy for every single one of them, it hurts so much to have to face the fact that so many people don't seem to have any problems.
Oh, and have I mentioned already that I have a cousin who is two years older than me who just had his fifth child last year? I can't keep track any more with the names and ages of all his children and wouldn't be surprised if they had another one soon. His wife is a doctor and they are very catholic.
It is like the whole wide world around us is pregnant, while we have to wait another months until we can finally start the home study process. The agency called yesterday. They have received the check that I mailed them and they'll mail us information on our mandatory pre-adoption class that we have to take. It will be this Saturday. So at least we will be able to get ahead a little bit.
But back to my meltdown. I did some internet research about waiting children and found those four adorable Asian siblings ages 2 years 9 months to age 7 years that are waiting for a forever family.
I took the computer and showed them to my husband and told him, we should adopt them. He was a bit surprised, because I had told him all the time I want a baby. I still want a baby. But I mean, who is going to adopt four children at once? I understand that it might be a bit hard to go from zero to four children in a couple of weeks. We don't have enough bedrooms for four children. And I don't know whether we could managed financially with four children (clothes, school, daycare) and only one income at this point. But I really feel like I would like to adopt a sibling group. Maybe later. I definitely will keep on checking on them. Maybe if they are still available next summer... We might have more room in our new apartment...
But my dh just took me in his arms and listened to me crying about how much the pain of infertility hurts. He is definitely the best husband in the whole wide world because he can stand me!!!
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
10 dpiui
Today I officially reached 10 dpiui. Meghan from A Little Sweetness who is two days ahead of me, tested that day. I won't. The last times when we did IVF I tested ahead of the blood test, I ended up starting to bleed the moment I was doing the test. That day I swore to myself to never do another early test again.
When I talked to my doctor's office last week, they didn't even tell me when I needed to come in for my blood work. So I'll just wait it out. I have no symptoms what so ever even the occasional twinge and the sore boobs are gone. Therefore I already lost hope that it might actually have worked. I also have the wet feeling I have right before AF shows up. My temperature is still up but I know that it comes from the progesterone. So I guess I just wait two more days and then I'll call the doctor's office and ask when I should come in. But I am pretty sure AF is on her way. I hope we will be able to do another IUI before the end of the year.
I don't think I mentioned it, but last week I called the friend that I met for lunch a couple of weeks ago. She has already a kid, but she had two miscarriages this year (who happened to be around the same time as mine). I hadn't heard from her in a while and wanted to see how she is doing. She just found out that she is actually pregnant again! What a joy for her. I pray and hope that everything will go fine this time.
I was tagged by Lindsay from Looking for 2 Lines.
Rules are: list a word that describes you for every letter of the alphabet. offer as much or as little explanation as you wish. please keep the words positive (for example, don’t use “fat” for F or “lame” for L), and feel free to get creative. tag as many or as few people as you wish. Link back to your tagger and forward to your taggees.
I have cheated a little, because I felt like I needed more words for some things.
A - Adopting - we have started the process on our third wedding anniversary
B - Baby - I really want one. Asap. See I
C - Clumsy - I am left handed and left handed people are supposedly clumsy. I definitely am.
D - Development work. My heart is in development work and I've worked in that field for a couple of years.
E - Extrovert. Absolutely.
F - Friends - they are super important to me.
G - God - I am still working on my relationship with him, but have made a little progress
H - Husband - My best decision ever to marry this awesome man
I - Impatient - I am the most impatient person in this world. I want everything now.
- Infertility - has definitely changed my life
- IVF - we tried that 3 times already
- IUI - we are currently trying that
J - Jokes - I love to laugh, and my dh is a great jokester. So we are a perfect match.
K - Kitchen - I love to cook
L - Loving
M - Matchmaking - I love to introduce people to each other and I can't count how many people met through me or have fallen in love after I introduced them, gotten married, and had babies
Mosquitoes - I hate mosquitoes and we have a whole battery of tools to drive them away from our nice little deck
N - Networking - I love to network and bring people together.
- Neighbors - we have great neighbors and are friends with several of them.
O - Organize - I love to organize Happy Hours or Networking Events.
P - Parents - We definitely want to become parents. Soon, see I.
Q - Quadruplets? - Bring it on.
R - Rollercoaster - I don't like the emotional rollercoaster, but infertility takes you along the ride.
S - Sudoku - I am addicted, but just to the Samuraiversion in the Sunday edition of the Washington Post
T - TiVo - I love my TiVo.
U - Umbilical cord - will my dh ever get to cut one of those?
V - Vacation - I could need one right now.
Venezuela - we'll move there next summer.
W - Washington D.C. - a great town with lots of interesting people
X - Xing - one of my favorite internet networking sites
Y - Yoka - my blogger name
Z - Zebra - I saw them in Africa.
Please consider yourself tagged.
When I talked to my doctor's office last week, they didn't even tell me when I needed to come in for my blood work. So I'll just wait it out. I have no symptoms what so ever even the occasional twinge and the sore boobs are gone. Therefore I already lost hope that it might actually have worked. I also have the wet feeling I have right before AF shows up. My temperature is still up but I know that it comes from the progesterone. So I guess I just wait two more days and then I'll call the doctor's office and ask when I should come in. But I am pretty sure AF is on her way. I hope we will be able to do another IUI before the end of the year.
I don't think I mentioned it, but last week I called the friend that I met for lunch a couple of weeks ago. She has already a kid, but she had two miscarriages this year (who happened to be around the same time as mine). I hadn't heard from her in a while and wanted to see how she is doing. She just found out that she is actually pregnant again! What a joy for her. I pray and hope that everything will go fine this time.
I was tagged by Lindsay from Looking for 2 Lines.
Rules are: list a word that describes you for every letter of the alphabet. offer as much or as little explanation as you wish. please keep the words positive (for example, don’t use “fat” for F or “lame” for L), and feel free to get creative. tag as many or as few people as you wish. Link back to your tagger and forward to your taggees.
I have cheated a little, because I felt like I needed more words for some things.
A - Adopting - we have started the process on our third wedding anniversary
B - Baby - I really want one. Asap. See I
C - Clumsy - I am left handed and left handed people are supposedly clumsy. I definitely am.
D - Development work. My heart is in development work and I've worked in that field for a couple of years.
E - Extrovert. Absolutely.
F - Friends - they are super important to me.
G - God - I am still working on my relationship with him, but have made a little progress
H - Husband - My best decision ever to marry this awesome man
I - Impatient - I am the most impatient person in this world. I want everything now.
- Infertility - has definitely changed my life
- IVF - we tried that 3 times already
- IUI - we are currently trying that
J - Jokes - I love to laugh, and my dh is a great jokester. So we are a perfect match.
K - Kitchen - I love to cook
L - Loving
M - Matchmaking - I love to introduce people to each other and I can't count how many people met through me or have fallen in love after I introduced them, gotten married, and had babies
Mosquitoes - I hate mosquitoes and we have a whole battery of tools to drive them away from our nice little deck
N - Networking - I love to network and bring people together.
- Neighbors - we have great neighbors and are friends with several of them.
O - Organize - I love to organize Happy Hours or Networking Events.
P - Parents - We definitely want to become parents. Soon, see I.
Q - Quadruplets? - Bring it on.
R - Rollercoaster - I don't like the emotional rollercoaster, but infertility takes you along the ride.
S - Sudoku - I am addicted, but just to the Samuraiversion in the Sunday edition of the Washington Post
T - TiVo - I love my TiVo.
U - Umbilical cord - will my dh ever get to cut one of those?
V - Vacation - I could need one right now.
Venezuela - we'll move there next summer.
W - Washington D.C. - a great town with lots of interesting people
X - Xing - one of my favorite internet networking sites
Y - Yoka - my blogger name
Z - Zebra - I saw them in Africa.
Please consider yourself tagged.
Monday, December 3, 2007
An adoption conference and a football game
So the last week-end was filled with lots to do.
We are dog sitting which is always a great pleasure for us because we don't have a dog ourselves. The dog is amazing in character and if we ever get a dog, I want a yellow or black lab.
On Saturday we went to an adoption conference in D.C. There were so many people there. It was amazing. We actually gathered some information from different agencies. Our agency was there as well. We didn't really find it to productive because we already started the process. But I guess for people that haven't started yet, it was quite interesting. They also had a photo exhibition of older children from the Wednesdays Child initiative which we looked at as well. They had little cards with more information on the children as well. Afterwards we went to have lunch at a nearby restaurant. There my husband put one of the cards on the table it was Deon (who is also on their homepage) who is 17 years old. Next year he will be graduating out of the foster care system without a permanent family like 30.000 other children each year. My husband told me that it is close to his heart and he wants to adopt a teenager in our family. While I don't have any major concerns about adopting an older child, I still feel a little young to parent a 17 year old. But if this is heavy on his heart we will definitely do it later.
And yesterday we saw the Redskins play the Buffalo Bills. It was my husband's birthday present from me. He is a big Buffalo Bills fan. I don't really understand the rules, but I went anyway. The weather was really cold, so we put on all our gear to stay warm. They handed out little towels with the number 21 on them for Sean Taylor when we went inside. They also did a tribute ceremony where 90 people were waving the little white towels which was an amazing view. We were sitting in the nosebleed section, nearly in the last row. The game itself was really tight and it looked for a long time as if the Redskins were gonna win. I asked my husband about the rules all the time. There was one annoying guy a few rows in front of us that had to stand up all the time, so that nobody could see anything. He was completely trashed and was talking shit the whole time. At the last few seconds the Buffalo Bills got a one point lead and won 17:16 only with field goals and safety while the Redskins had a touchdown. My husband was one happy camper.
Then we tried to get on a shuttle bus to get back to our parking lot. There were so many people in a line, but some people just passed us as if they didn't see the line. When we finally got on the shuttle, we weren't really moving a lot at all. For a long time. It was about 5:40 p.m. (the game had ended about 4:15 p.m.) when we finally got to our car. I had encouraged my dh to put on the wheel lock before we left. When we got back, we noticed that he had left the key for the wheel lock at home. Great!!! What do do now? We ended up calling a neighbor and friend, who broke into our house to get the key and drove all the way to Fedex Field to give it to us. Our Saviour!!!
Normally in these kind of situations we easily start fighting, but we both remained calm and spend a nice time playing the 20 question game. Needless to say that I lost big time...
We are dog sitting which is always a great pleasure for us because we don't have a dog ourselves. The dog is amazing in character and if we ever get a dog, I want a yellow or black lab.
On Saturday we went to an adoption conference in D.C. There were so many people there. It was amazing. We actually gathered some information from different agencies. Our agency was there as well. We didn't really find it to productive because we already started the process. But I guess for people that haven't started yet, it was quite interesting. They also had a photo exhibition of older children from the Wednesdays Child initiative which we looked at as well. They had little cards with more information on the children as well. Afterwards we went to have lunch at a nearby restaurant. There my husband put one of the cards on the table it was Deon (who is also on their homepage) who is 17 years old. Next year he will be graduating out of the foster care system without a permanent family like 30.000 other children each year. My husband told me that it is close to his heart and he wants to adopt a teenager in our family. While I don't have any major concerns about adopting an older child, I still feel a little young to parent a 17 year old. But if this is heavy on his heart we will definitely do it later.
And yesterday we saw the Redskins play the Buffalo Bills. It was my husband's birthday present from me. He is a big Buffalo Bills fan. I don't really understand the rules, but I went anyway. The weather was really cold, so we put on all our gear to stay warm. They handed out little towels with the number 21 on them for Sean Taylor when we went inside. They also did a tribute ceremony where 90 people were waving the little white towels which was an amazing view. We were sitting in the nosebleed section, nearly in the last row. The game itself was really tight and it looked for a long time as if the Redskins were gonna win. I asked my husband about the rules all the time. There was one annoying guy a few rows in front of us that had to stand up all the time, so that nobody could see anything. He was completely trashed and was talking shit the whole time. At the last few seconds the Buffalo Bills got a one point lead and won 17:16 only with field goals and safety while the Redskins had a touchdown. My husband was one happy camper.
Then we tried to get on a shuttle bus to get back to our parking lot. There were so many people in a line, but some people just passed us as if they didn't see the line. When we finally got on the shuttle, we weren't really moving a lot at all. For a long time. It was about 5:40 p.m. (the game had ended about 4:15 p.m.) when we finally got to our car. I had encouraged my dh to put on the wheel lock before we left. When we got back, we noticed that he had left the key for the wheel lock at home. Great!!! What do do now? We ended up calling a neighbor and friend, who broke into our house to get the key and drove all the way to Fedex Field to give it to us. Our Saviour!!!
Normally in these kind of situations we easily start fighting, but we both remained calm and spend a nice time playing the 20 question game. Needless to say that I lost big time...
Friday, November 30, 2007
Oh, what are you doing here???
This morning I think I had the most embarrassing moment at my RE's office. I think I mentioned in a previous post, that everybody is just sitting there and nobody talks. Well today, that certainly changed. When I was signing in, I heard the nurse call a woman with a name that I know. I don't really know her very well, but she is one of my husband's colleagues and I have seen her on several occasions. So I decided to say "Hi" to her. The conservation went something along the lines of:
Me: "Hi, I didn't know you were coming here, too."
She: "How are things?"
At that point I thought she was referring to being at the doctor's office.
Me: "Oh the usual. Endometriosis and stuff. How about you?"
She: "Oh work has been pretty busy lately. And I had a great Thanksgiving." Then the conversation was about work and stuff until I was called in for my bloodwork.
I felt completely embarrassed and awkward that I had shared with her information about what was going on with us and she completely ignored it and went on to talk about work. I mean, she is sitting in an RE's office waiting room. It is pretty obvious that she is there for a reason. I believe she is single, so maybe she was too embarrassed to talk about it. But hey, we are probably feeling a similar kind of pain about not having kids. Why not support each other? I don't think you can have enough support while you are dealing with infertility. The support that I get from this online community has been great so far. I started to get comments and am always very excited to read them. I am so excited that there seem to be some people that actually read what I am writing. And with my new counter I can even track where they are coming from.
I am also pretty open with our struggles. I mean, I don't share it with everybody that I first meet, but most of our friends are in the loop. Why hide that we have after more than three years of marriage a desire for children?
Yesterday I sent my brother a link to read this blog. He knows about our struggles. Probably he can't really relate to it, as he doesn't seem to have the same deep desire to have children as me. But I don't mind him reading about what is going on in our life. And this way at least he can stay connected a little even if he is so far away. And I really miss him.
Update: My progesterone level was 13,9. They would rather see 15. My doctor wants me to use progesterone twice daily.
Me: "Hi, I didn't know you were coming here, too."
She: "How are things?"
At that point I thought she was referring to being at the doctor's office.
Me: "Oh the usual. Endometriosis and stuff. How about you?"
She: "Oh work has been pretty busy lately. And I had a great Thanksgiving." Then the conversation was about work and stuff until I was called in for my bloodwork.
I felt completely embarrassed and awkward that I had shared with her information about what was going on with us and she completely ignored it and went on to talk about work. I mean, she is sitting in an RE's office waiting room. It is pretty obvious that she is there for a reason. I believe she is single, so maybe she was too embarrassed to talk about it. But hey, we are probably feeling a similar kind of pain about not having kids. Why not support each other? I don't think you can have enough support while you are dealing with infertility. The support that I get from this online community has been great so far. I started to get comments and am always very excited to read them. I am so excited that there seem to be some people that actually read what I am writing. And with my new counter I can even track where they are coming from.
I am also pretty open with our struggles. I mean, I don't share it with everybody that I first meet, but most of our friends are in the loop. Why hide that we have after more than three years of marriage a desire for children?
Yesterday I sent my brother a link to read this blog. He knows about our struggles. Probably he can't really relate to it, as he doesn't seem to have the same deep desire to have children as me. But I don't mind him reading about what is going on in our life. And this way at least he can stay connected a little even if he is so far away. And I really miss him.
Update: My progesterone level was 13,9. They would rather see 15. My doctor wants me to use progesterone twice daily.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Insurance Coverage for Infertility
Today I would like to vent about many insurances not covering infertility treatment. At last year's open season we actually decided to change our health insurance because we wanted one that would cover as much infertility treatment as possible. We picked one that covers 2 IVFs per lifetime with a $6.000 deductible. Well, we maxed that out this year. I was very pleasantly surprised that there is another open season this year, so we will be able to get out of this insurance without having to pay another $6.000 deductible next year. So we will. Any ideas on great health insurances (that cover tons of IUIs, IVFs, etc.)?
I also don't understand why the health insurance infertility coverage is in the responsibility of the state you live in. I guess, we picked the wrong state when we moved here, then.
I feel like my infertility is a handicap. Because my body denies me of the ability to have biological children. Why don't I have the same right to children like anybody else that doesn't have problems conceiving? Doesn't this discriminate me and all my fellow infertiles?
Most cost estimates for insurance coverage for infertility treatment range from an additional $1 to $3 per member per month. I mean, we are also all paying for the people that destroy their body with smoking or abuse alcohol or drugs. I have never been a smoker, I don't do drugs, I only have a drink maybe once every two weeks. And I get punished because I have a medical condition that isn't recognized as worthy of being covered? Why is smoking, drug abuse and alcoholism worthy then?
In June of 2007 the H.R. 2892: Family Building Act of 2007 has been introduced to Congress. I just did some research. The act has only 8 Co-Sponsors (very sad if you look at the size of Congress). The current status is:
06/27/2007: Referred to House Armed Services
06/27/2007: Referred to House Education and Labor
06/27/2007: Referred to House Energy and Commerce
06/27/2007: Referred to House Oversight and Government Reform
06/27/2007: Referred to the Committee on Energy and Commerce, and in addition to the Committees on Education and Labor, Oversight and Government Reform, and Armed Services, for a period to be subsequently determined by the Speaker, in each case for consideration of such provisions as fall within the jurisdiction of the committee concerned.
09/11/2007: Referred to the Subcommittee on Health, Employment, Labor, and Pensions.
Committee/Subcommittee Activity:
Energy and Commerce: Referral, In Committee
Armed Services: Referral, In Committee
Health: Referral
Let's hope they move that Act along very quick!!! Maybe you can write to your Congress(wo)man and ask them to support the Act (and have all your family and friends do the same). On the Resolve Homepage you can find out whether your state provides infertility coverage. Most of my infertile fellows know all of this information anyway. But there is also a possibility to write to your State Representatives and mandate they support coverage.
And we will go ahead and change our health insurance - again.
I also don't understand why the health insurance infertility coverage is in the responsibility of the state you live in. I guess, we picked the wrong state when we moved here, then.
I feel like my infertility is a handicap. Because my body denies me of the ability to have biological children. Why don't I have the same right to children like anybody else that doesn't have problems conceiving? Doesn't this discriminate me and all my fellow infertiles?
Most cost estimates for insurance coverage for infertility treatment range from an additional $1 to $3 per member per month. I mean, we are also all paying for the people that destroy their body with smoking or abuse alcohol or drugs. I have never been a smoker, I don't do drugs, I only have a drink maybe once every two weeks. And I get punished because I have a medical condition that isn't recognized as worthy of being covered? Why is smoking, drug abuse and alcoholism worthy then?
In June of 2007 the H.R. 2892: Family Building Act of 2007 has been introduced to Congress. I just did some research. The act has only 8 Co-Sponsors (very sad if you look at the size of Congress). The current status is:
06/27/2007: Referred to House Armed Services
06/27/2007: Referred to House Education and Labor
06/27/2007: Referred to House Energy and Commerce
06/27/2007: Referred to House Oversight and Government Reform
06/27/2007: Referred to the Committee on Energy and Commerce, and in addition to the Committees on Education and Labor, Oversight and Government Reform, and Armed Services, for a period to be subsequently determined by the Speaker, in each case for consideration of such provisions as fall within the jurisdiction of the committee concerned.
09/11/2007: Referred to the Subcommittee on Health, Employment, Labor, and Pensions.
Committee/Subcommittee Activity:
Energy and Commerce: Referral, In Committee
Armed Services: Referral, In Committee
Health: Referral
Let's hope they move that Act along very quick!!! Maybe you can write to your Congress(wo)man and ask them to support the Act (and have all your family and friends do the same). On the Resolve Homepage you can find out whether your state provides infertility coverage. Most of my infertile fellows know all of this information anyway. But there is also a possibility to write to your State Representatives and mandate they support coverage.
And we will go ahead and change our health insurance - again.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
4 dpIUI
Sorry, I haven't been blogging for a couple of days. I have started to get my usual crazy 2 WW symptoms. I am questioning with every twinge whether it has worked or not. I really didn't want to get my hopes up this time. The health insurance covers it and we have maxed out our deductible for this year. So we decided on this IUI cycle. But now we have to wait for the outcome until we can go ahead with the adoption process. And that sucks. I'd rather go ahead as I don't really expect this IUI to end up in a pregnancy.
I have to go in my doctor's office on Friday for a blood test to figure out whether my progesterone levels might be too low. I guess it still will be to early for an HCG test. But when is the day for that? Hopefully I will find out on Friday.
Last Friday one of our friends gave birth to her fourth child. She has only one tube, so they had their first child through IUI. Then she had twins via IVF two years ago. Her husband had to go to Iraq for a year and when he came home for a short break in March, she got pregnant naturally. She is already 40. They didn't expect this at all to happen and she was really in a shock at first. They have been married for about 12 years and have never used birth control. God really works in miraculous ways.
Another common friend called me on Sunday to ask whether I had a hospital number for our friend. We chatted a while and then she went on about how she delivered her baby. I know that she had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and they had some difficulties to get pregnant. But she freaking has a baby. And she just continued about births and stuff.
I was really shocked about her insensitivity as it was not the first time she did something like that to me. Doesn't she realize that I might never experience a baby moving and growing inside me and to give birth to a baby myself??? She knows about our troubles and our miscarriages. And then when we met a couple of months ago (about a month after my last miscarriage) she asked me at a Happy Hour: So when are you getting ready to get pregnant? I couldn't believe it. Is she missing a sensitivity gen? She has gone trough some infertility issues herself, doesn't she understand how much it hurts to have people ask you such stupid questions?
On a different note: we finally decided to finish our basement. And this week the contractor started to work. It is always a surprise to come home and see the progress. Unfortunately the first day they had put the drywall in front of our closet with shoes and jackets. So yesterday I didn't have access to them. Fortunately they have put the drywall on the other side of the wall now. My dh had the idea to document the progress via video camera. A great idea. So yesterday I was the special reporter from our basement while a Sprite bottle served as my microphone... I love my husband because we can have so much fun together.
Last night I made an instant package of tabbouleh salad (which tasted surprisingly good!) with a ham topped with onions and cheese crusted Brussels sprout. I love to cook and try out new things... I don't like processed food, so most of our meals are home-cooked.
And I desperately feel like I need to drag my little ass back to the gym. I haven't been in weeks. I just have a hard time motivating myself once I am home in my cozy house and laying comfortably on the couch....
I have to go in my doctor's office on Friday for a blood test to figure out whether my progesterone levels might be too low. I guess it still will be to early for an HCG test. But when is the day for that? Hopefully I will find out on Friday.
Last Friday one of our friends gave birth to her fourth child. She has only one tube, so they had their first child through IUI. Then she had twins via IVF two years ago. Her husband had to go to Iraq for a year and when he came home for a short break in March, she got pregnant naturally. She is already 40. They didn't expect this at all to happen and she was really in a shock at first. They have been married for about 12 years and have never used birth control. God really works in miraculous ways.
Another common friend called me on Sunday to ask whether I had a hospital number for our friend. We chatted a while and then she went on about how she delivered her baby. I know that she had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and they had some difficulties to get pregnant. But she freaking has a baby. And she just continued about births and stuff.
I was really shocked about her insensitivity as it was not the first time she did something like that to me. Doesn't she realize that I might never experience a baby moving and growing inside me and to give birth to a baby myself??? She knows about our troubles and our miscarriages. And then when we met a couple of months ago (about a month after my last miscarriage) she asked me at a Happy Hour: So when are you getting ready to get pregnant? I couldn't believe it. Is she missing a sensitivity gen? She has gone trough some infertility issues herself, doesn't she understand how much it hurts to have people ask you such stupid questions?
On a different note: we finally decided to finish our basement. And this week the contractor started to work. It is always a surprise to come home and see the progress. Unfortunately the first day they had put the drywall in front of our closet with shoes and jackets. So yesterday I didn't have access to them. Fortunately they have put the drywall on the other side of the wall now. My dh had the idea to document the progress via video camera. A great idea. So yesterday I was the special reporter from our basement while a Sprite bottle served as my microphone... I love my husband because we can have so much fun together.
Last night I made an instant package of tabbouleh salad (which tasted surprisingly good!) with a ham topped with onions and cheese crusted Brussels sprout. I love to cook and try out new things... I don't like processed food, so most of our meals are home-cooked.
And I desperately feel like I need to drag my little ass back to the gym. I haven't been in weeks. I just have a hard time motivating myself once I am home in my cozy house and laying comfortably on the couch....
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Meet Homer and Noah...
Last night after a fabulous Thanksgiving-Dinner at our neighbor's house (our fourth time of eating turkey since last Saturday) we ended up driving to Old Navy. They had a pretty nice sale and so dh and I decided to help the economy a little... On our way home we decided to eat Macaroni and Cheese for dinner and dh was going to cook.
When we got home I saw that we had left the light on in the upper floor of our house. But as soon as we entered the house, it was out. Dh was reaching for the light switch downstairs when it happened so I told him it was his responsibility that the whole neighborhood was without power. I guess he must have felt guilty because he called the power company to report the outage. They said it was going to take until about 11:30 p.m. at night. No Macaroni and Cheese then. We decided to go and grab some sandwiches. But as we were driving through our neighborhood we saw that our friends were home, so we stopped by their house to see whether they were up for dinner. We ended up having a really nice dinner at my favorite Japanese restaurant with them.
This morning we went to church. Unfortunately I was really distracted during the service. Our church meets in a movie theater in Union Station and does a lot of outreach to the homeless. While we were waiting for the service to begin, a homeless girl came in and sat in the row in front of us. She had a really bad smell of urine around her and I got nearly nauseous. I ended up moving two seats to sit a little further from her. Then another homeless woman in our row fell asleep during the service and snored. She actually snored so loud that everybody could hear it. They woke her up several times, but she continued to snore really loud. In the end they made her leave. She came back later with a coffee in her hand so I guess they just bought her coffee.
When we got home, I packed up some of the great Thanksgiving Dinner from Thursday, a piece of Mincemeat Pie, and a hot tea and drove it all downtown. There is this homeless guy I walk by every day on my way home from work. He has these eyes that just show that he must be a good person. He is older and always very friendly. I gave him the lunch and we talked for a while. His name is Homer and he has been living on the street on and off for about 20 years. He lives in the park where I see him every day. He asked about my accent and was very friendly. Because he had a coffee already, I gave the tea to a friend of him, Noah, who was so happy to talk to me. He enjoyed it so much, that he didn't want to let me go. I have to say that I feel so blessed by being able to do that. That really made my day.
When we got home I saw that we had left the light on in the upper floor of our house. But as soon as we entered the house, it was out. Dh was reaching for the light switch downstairs when it happened so I told him it was his responsibility that the whole neighborhood was without power. I guess he must have felt guilty because he called the power company to report the outage. They said it was going to take until about 11:30 p.m. at night. No Macaroni and Cheese then. We decided to go and grab some sandwiches. But as we were driving through our neighborhood we saw that our friends were home, so we stopped by their house to see whether they were up for dinner. We ended up having a really nice dinner at my favorite Japanese restaurant with them.
This morning we went to church. Unfortunately I was really distracted during the service. Our church meets in a movie theater in Union Station and does a lot of outreach to the homeless. While we were waiting for the service to begin, a homeless girl came in and sat in the row in front of us. She had a really bad smell of urine around her and I got nearly nauseous. I ended up moving two seats to sit a little further from her. Then another homeless woman in our row fell asleep during the service and snored. She actually snored so loud that everybody could hear it. They woke her up several times, but she continued to snore really loud. In the end they made her leave. She came back later with a coffee in her hand so I guess they just bought her coffee.
When we got home, I packed up some of the great Thanksgiving Dinner from Thursday, a piece of Mincemeat Pie, and a hot tea and drove it all downtown. There is this homeless guy I walk by every day on my way home from work. He has these eyes that just show that he must be a good person. He is older and always very friendly. I gave him the lunch and we talked for a while. His name is Homer and he has been living on the street on and off for about 20 years. He lives in the park where I see him every day. He asked about my accent and was very friendly. Because he had a coffee already, I gave the tea to a friend of him, Noah, who was so happy to talk to me. He enjoyed it so much, that he didn't want to let me go. I have to say that I feel so blessed by being able to do that. That really made my day.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Inseminated
We just came back from our IUI. They were really busy today, mabye because they were closed yesterday for Thanksgiving...
There was a really nice woman in the waiting room and we were smiling at each other several time. I thought she was about my age. But nobody ever talks there or says something to other waiting patients. It is also kind of weird to say: "So what are you waiting for? Are you doing IVF, IUI, or what is your problem?". But I wish I would have talked to her. You can never have enough pals who are going through the same.
I was very impressed with my husbands sperm. Not only did he have 64 Mio., but also a motility of 80%. He always has this kind of a result... Very impressive. The IUI went very smooth. Our doctor was very happy. I asked him whether they can run out again. But he said that would only happen if he had done a very bad job. So I don't worry about using the restroom as I usually do after our IVFs.
I was surprised that I don't have to take progesterone like after the IVFs. The doctor wants me to come in next Friday for a blood test. If my levels are low then, I will start progesterone.
We hope that my hubbies boys are celebrating a nice fertilization party inside me. Wouldn't that be great???
Now I am lying on the couch and enjoy the Tyra Banks Show. Later we are invited for a Thanksgiving dinner at our neighbour's house. That will be our fourth time eating turkey this year and the third day in a row. But I really love turkey... Maybe I need another little snack before that...
There was a really nice woman in the waiting room and we were smiling at each other several time. I thought she was about my age. But nobody ever talks there or says something to other waiting patients. It is also kind of weird to say: "So what are you waiting for? Are you doing IVF, IUI, or what is your problem?". But I wish I would have talked to her. You can never have enough pals who are going through the same.
I was very impressed with my husbands sperm. Not only did he have 64 Mio., but also a motility of 80%. He always has this kind of a result... Very impressive. The IUI went very smooth. Our doctor was very happy. I asked him whether they can run out again. But he said that would only happen if he had done a very bad job. So I don't worry about using the restroom as I usually do after our IVFs.
I was surprised that I don't have to take progesterone like after the IVFs. The doctor wants me to come in next Friday for a blood test. If my levels are low then, I will start progesterone.
We hope that my hubbies boys are celebrating a nice fertilization party inside me. Wouldn't that be great???
Now I am lying on the couch and enjoy the Tyra Banks Show. Later we are invited for a Thanksgiving dinner at our neighbour's house. That will be our fourth time eating turkey this year and the third day in a row. But I really love turkey... Maybe I need another little snack before that...
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Who put my ovaries in the wrong way?
This morning I went to my doctor's office for another bloodwork and a sonogram. The nurse did the sonogram which was very painful. For some reason my ovaries seem to be at strange and unusual places in my body. She asked me whether I had a major surgery where they could have slapped them around. But I didn't. It always takes them forever to find them. The doctor knows me so well that he always ends up finding them really quick. But I guess the nurse is having a harder time. So the question is: who put my ovaries in the wrong way? I for sure, didn't.
The good news is that we are obviously speeding up on this side. The nurse found 3 follicles and thought we could do the trigger shot either today or tomorrow. I didn't ask about the other ones, but the one follicle was already 21 mm. Pretty big. We have been only stimulating for 5 days, which seems like a new record for me. Their office will be closed on Friday, so I assume the IUI will be on Saturday. Which will be fantastic because I don't have to worry about work and my hubby won't have any issues either. Great!!! I thought it was gonna be at the end of next week (day 14 of my cycle or so). So you little follicles inside me. Please grow and bring some nice eggs inside. And PLEASE let them have a good quality... Isn't it amazing how I start getting my hopes up? Despite the fact that the chances are only 15%. But my hubbies boys are great, so I don't have any concern on his side...
I'll probably won't be around as we start our little Thanksgiving holiday this afternoon. So, in case you won't hear from me: Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!!
The good news is that we are obviously speeding up on this side. The nurse found 3 follicles and thought we could do the trigger shot either today or tomorrow. I didn't ask about the other ones, but the one follicle was already 21 mm. Pretty big. We have been only stimulating for 5 days, which seems like a new record for me. Their office will be closed on Friday, so I assume the IUI will be on Saturday. Which will be fantastic because I don't have to worry about work and my hubby won't have any issues either. Great!!! I thought it was gonna be at the end of next week (day 14 of my cycle or so). So you little follicles inside me. Please grow and bring some nice eggs inside. And PLEASE let them have a good quality... Isn't it amazing how I start getting my hopes up? Despite the fact that the chances are only 15%. But my hubbies boys are great, so I don't have any concern on his side...
I'll probably won't be around as we start our little Thanksgiving holiday this afternoon. So, in case you won't hear from me: Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Delay as expected
When I arrived home yesterday the lady from the agency had left a voice message on my cell phone. She apologized for leaving the message in my colleague's voice mail. I told her how it made me feel and told her that I am past my anger that I had in the first moment. It took me a while to calm down on Friday, but now I am over it.
Then I explained our situation to her and explained that we were doing IUI to get rid of our fertility medication and to use the opportunity before we need to fulfill another $4000 deductible next year. I also told her that we have to move next summer and that we really hope to have everything ready before then.
She understood, but she told us again that their policy is that you are not allowed to be in any fertility treatment when you start the adoption process/home study with them... Great! I then asked her about the next pre-adoption class. We wanted to take that in the end of November, but now it turns out that they are doing the next one in December. So we will do that to get ahead. I also told her that we had already done the online class and she was quite impressed... So now I have to wait for the result of the IUI to start the intake meeting and home study. I am sad, but this is how it is. I don't know why their policy is so rigid about this. But I think they want you to have closed that chapter of your life first. Have we really closed it? I don't think so. We haven't completely given up the idea of having a biological child. There is still hope.
My doctor's office called today. After only 4 days on the medication, my estradiol is already at 326. Therefore I need to come in for a sonogram tomorrow. I wish we could have done that today. Now I have another day where I need to get up early to make it in time to work...
Then I explained our situation to her and explained that we were doing IUI to get rid of our fertility medication and to use the opportunity before we need to fulfill another $4000 deductible next year. I also told her that we have to move next summer and that we really hope to have everything ready before then.
She understood, but she told us again that their policy is that you are not allowed to be in any fertility treatment when you start the adoption process/home study with them... Great! I then asked her about the next pre-adoption class. We wanted to take that in the end of November, but now it turns out that they are doing the next one in December. So we will do that to get ahead. I also told her that we had already done the online class and she was quite impressed... So now I have to wait for the result of the IUI to start the intake meeting and home study. I am sad, but this is how it is. I don't know why their policy is so rigid about this. But I think they want you to have closed that chapter of your life first. Have we really closed it? I don't think so. We haven't completely given up the idea of having a biological child. There is still hope.
My doctor's office called today. After only 4 days on the medication, my estradiol is already at 326. Therefore I need to come in for a sonogram tomorrow. I wish we could have done that today. Now I have another day where I need to get up early to make it in time to work...
Monday, November 19, 2007
My honest husband and my freaking impatience
I am back on medication. We started injecting the fertility meds last Friday. So now I have to go back to my doctor's office tomorrow for another blood work and maybe even a follicle TV show. I hope they are all doing great in there and having a blast with all the drugs we are putting in there every single day...
I had a serious discussion with my dh this week-end. He is such an honest person and doesn't want to lie to the agency about our fertility treatments. While I really appreciate his honesty in general, I am a little disappointed that he doesn't want to lie about our IUI. I mean, the chances are only 15% anyway. And we still could in theory get pregnant naturally - even if it is very unlikely.
And even if I would get pregnant during this IUI cycle, who knows whether it would be a viable pregnancy this time? Maybe I would just be on another emotional roller coaster with nothing to show for at the end. And even if I would get pregnant with a viable pregnancy, I would still want to go ahead with the adoption. Why can't you have two kids at the same time? There are people that are adopting twins etc. And we want five kids as soon as possible...
So I will have to tell the agency the truth. Which then means, we won't be able to schedule our intake meeting before January... Another month without no results and no step ahead. The problem is that I am so freaking impatient that it is hard to wait another day. A month seems like forever. And I am really concerned that we won't be able to get this done before we move overseas. I cried last Friday, because I am terrified that no birthmother would want to give her child to us if we move away a few weeks later. Even if we give this child an opportunity to learn three different languages and travel the world...
The agency hasn't called me back yet (neither on my cell phone nor in the office). I think they guessed that I was pretty upset. Maybe I scared them off. I won't call them for avoiding to disclose the IUI. Maybe by the time they call, we have already done it...
I had a serious discussion with my dh this week-end. He is such an honest person and doesn't want to lie to the agency about our fertility treatments. While I really appreciate his honesty in general, I am a little disappointed that he doesn't want to lie about our IUI. I mean, the chances are only 15% anyway. And we still could in theory get pregnant naturally - even if it is very unlikely.
And even if I would get pregnant during this IUI cycle, who knows whether it would be a viable pregnancy this time? Maybe I would just be on another emotional roller coaster with nothing to show for at the end. And even if I would get pregnant with a viable pregnancy, I would still want to go ahead with the adoption. Why can't you have two kids at the same time? There are people that are adopting twins etc. And we want five kids as soon as possible...
So I will have to tell the agency the truth. Which then means, we won't be able to schedule our intake meeting before January... Another month without no results and no step ahead. The problem is that I am so freaking impatient that it is hard to wait another day. A month seems like forever. And I am really concerned that we won't be able to get this done before we move overseas. I cried last Friday, because I am terrified that no birthmother would want to give her child to us if we move away a few weeks later. Even if we give this child an opportunity to learn three different languages and travel the world...
The agency hasn't called me back yet (neither on my cell phone nor in the office). I think they guessed that I was pretty upset. Maybe I scared them off. I won't call them for avoiding to disclose the IUI. Maybe by the time they call, we have already done it...
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Playing the four things Game today
I am playing the Four Things Game today
javascript:void(0)
Publish Post
Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. First job in a supermarket when I was 10.
2. Hostess for trade fairs and exhibitions during college
3. Chief of Staff in a Parliament
4. Director of Programs (currently)
Four movies I Have watched more than once:
1. Forrest Gump
2. Legally Blonde
3. Spiderman
4. A River runs trough it
Four TV Shows I Watch Faithfully
1. Desperate Housewives
2. The Unit
3. 24
4. Tyra Banks Show
Four Places I have Vacationed
1. Italy
2. Brazil
3. Namibia
4. Denmark
Four of my Favorite Foods:
1. Spinach with eggs and potatoes
2. My mom's duck with dumplings
3. Sashimi
4. Pasta
Four Places I would rather be right now:
1. cuddling with my husband
2. Italy
3. with my family
4. with my best friend
Four Things I am looking forward to next year
1. Moving to a different continent
2. Having my little sister visit us in March
3. Having my brother visit us in May
4. Hopefully finalizing an adoption
Four Hobbies I have:
1. playing Minigolf
2. Sudoku
3. Reading
4. Networking
Consider yourself tagged and tell me four things about you.
Oh, the adoption agency called. In my office. They left a message. In my colleagues voice mail. About our intake meeting and being not in fertility treatment at this current time. Thank you very much! This is really pissing me off! Unfortunately that is not a good start.
They have my cell phone number. Why do they have to leave voice mail with my colleague. We are a small office, but something like this is definitely not appropriate and not acceptable. Of course the lady was gone when I had a chance to call back. I left a message - in her voice mail... (not her colleagues, I made sure that I had the right voice mail).
javascript:void(0)
Publish Post
Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. First job in a supermarket when I was 10.
2. Hostess for trade fairs and exhibitions during college
3. Chief of Staff in a Parliament
4. Director of Programs (currently)
Four movies I Have watched more than once:
1. Forrest Gump
2. Legally Blonde
3. Spiderman
4. A River runs trough it
Four TV Shows I Watch Faithfully
1. Desperate Housewives
2. The Unit
3. 24
4. Tyra Banks Show
Four Places I have Vacationed
1. Italy
2. Brazil
3. Namibia
4. Denmark
Four of my Favorite Foods:
1. Spinach with eggs and potatoes
2. My mom's duck with dumplings
3. Sashimi
4. Pasta
Four Places I would rather be right now:
1. cuddling with my husband
2. Italy
3. with my family
4. with my best friend
Four Things I am looking forward to next year
1. Moving to a different continent
2. Having my little sister visit us in March
3. Having my brother visit us in May
4. Hopefully finalizing an adoption
Four Hobbies I have:
1. playing Minigolf
2. Sudoku
3. Reading
4. Networking
Consider yourself tagged and tell me four things about you.
Oh, the adoption agency called. In my office. They left a message. In my colleagues voice mail. About our intake meeting and being not in fertility treatment at this current time. Thank you very much! This is really pissing me off! Unfortunately that is not a good start.
They have my cell phone number. Why do they have to leave voice mail with my colleague. We are a small office, but something like this is definitely not appropriate and not acceptable. Of course the lady was gone when I had a chance to call back. I left a message - in her voice mail... (not her colleagues, I made sure that I had the right voice mail).
The Blogger Flame of Fortitude
Lori has awarded me the Blogger Flame of Fortitude.
I feel very honored to receive this torch as it recognizes our battle scars, our victories, our defeats and our courage in facing infertility.
Here is a quote from Jenna who created this torch:
"You are receiving this honor because you have embodied perseverance in the face of difficulty and shared the journey of your experiences with others proving that a single voice can both be a light of support and a source or humor for those in the midst of their struggle. You are acknowledged here today for allowing others to share in your personal story and providing camaraderie through the power of your words. Each of you has faced a struggle that seems insurmountable to others and you have persevered. For some of you this resiliency was always a part of your character and for others, it was your struggle with infertility that awakened it from deep within you. Regardless of passion, stubbornness, a calling to a greater purpose or a refusal to admit defeat, you are an eternal flame of commitment. You are a veteran of your circumstances and you deserve recognition for your journey."
I would like to pass on the torch to: Katie.
Went to the doctor's office this morning. Attention, this might be too much information: AF is not really a full flow, it is more like brown blood. Weird. I wonder whether that is from the progesteron.
The nurse did a blood test this morning. It took forever as it was three vials. Then the other nurse did a sonogramm. Everything looked fine, except two cysts in one ovary. But she thought they are not Endo cysts, but rather normal cycle cysts. I have to call them this afternoon for the results. They also measured my blood pressure, my height, and weight, and I had to leave some urine for testing. All of the last staff is already for the adoption examination. I had asked the agency whether they could email me the forms for the doctor. They emailed me the forms and so I can already do something that we will need anyway for our home study... That way I at least feel like I am making some progress.
Still no news from the agency. I might have to call to make sure they received our paperwork...
I feel very honored to receive this torch as it recognizes our battle scars, our victories, our defeats and our courage in facing infertility.
Here is a quote from Jenna who created this torch:
"You are receiving this honor because you have embodied perseverance in the face of difficulty and shared the journey of your experiences with others proving that a single voice can both be a light of support and a source or humor for those in the midst of their struggle. You are acknowledged here today for allowing others to share in your personal story and providing camaraderie through the power of your words. Each of you has faced a struggle that seems insurmountable to others and you have persevered. For some of you this resiliency was always a part of your character and for others, it was your struggle with infertility that awakened it from deep within you. Regardless of passion, stubbornness, a calling to a greater purpose or a refusal to admit defeat, you are an eternal flame of commitment. You are a veteran of your circumstances and you deserve recognition for your journey."
I would like to pass on the torch to: Katie.
Went to the doctor's office this morning. Attention, this might be too much information: AF is not really a full flow, it is more like brown blood. Weird. I wonder whether that is from the progesteron.
The nurse did a blood test this morning. It took forever as it was three vials. Then the other nurse did a sonogramm. Everything looked fine, except two cysts in one ovary. But she thought they are not Endo cysts, but rather normal cycle cysts. I have to call them this afternoon for the results. They also measured my blood pressure, my height, and weight, and I had to leave some urine for testing. All of the last staff is already for the adoption examination. I had asked the agency whether they could email me the forms for the doctor. They emailed me the forms and so I can already do something that we will need anyway for our home study... That way I at least feel like I am making some progress.
Still no news from the agency. I might have to call to make sure they received our paperwork...
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Isn't it terrible, what is going on in the DRC?
, , You might not know this about me, yet, but I am very interested in Africa.
Therefore I was shocked to watch what terrible things are going on in the DR Congo every day.
http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=07/10/08/1340255
Christine Schuler mentioned that you all can help if you talk about what is going on there. This will hopefully increase press coverage and pressure on our politicians to do something about it.
Here is a link to another article on the atrocities:
http://www.glamour.com/news/articles/2007/08/reallifedrama
I don't really know what to say. It seems so cruel what human beings are capable of doing to each other... I wish I could just go there and adopt a girl to prevent it from having a destiny like this...
AF finally arrived this morning and I called the doctor's office. I will go in there tomorrow morning and then we will officially start our first IUI after three IVF attempts. Normally it is the other way around and you do first IUI and then IVF. But in our case due to financial issues, we will do it this way. As I wrote in an earlier post, I don't really expect it to work anyway as the chances are only 15%... But who knows. I am a little disappointed that AF came so late. If we wanted to do another one this year, it would have to be approximately on Xmas eve. I don't even know whether our doctor's office will be open that day. So it might be just this one... But hey, it is open season and we will be able to get out off our crappy health insurance.
No news from the adoption agency, yet. I am getting nervous that I haven't heard anything. I have to check with them that they received the paperwork. I'll do this tomorrow.
I am thinking about whether we should switch to international adoption. If we have such a hard time to get everything done before we move overseas, it might be easier if we just adopt from overseas. But I also really would like a newborn or an infant. And that seems not possible in an international adoption. Just an idea... If we find out during the home study that our time line doesn't work, we can still switch...
Therefore I was shocked to watch what terrible things are going on in the DR Congo every day.
http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=07/10/08/1340255
Christine Schuler mentioned that you all can help if you talk about what is going on there. This will hopefully increase press coverage and pressure on our politicians to do something about it.
Here is a link to another article on the atrocities:
http://www.glamour.com/news/articles/2007/08/reallifedrama
I don't really know what to say. It seems so cruel what human beings are capable of doing to each other... I wish I could just go there and adopt a girl to prevent it from having a destiny like this...
AF finally arrived this morning and I called the doctor's office. I will go in there tomorrow morning and then we will officially start our first IUI after three IVF attempts. Normally it is the other way around and you do first IUI and then IVF. But in our case due to financial issues, we will do it this way. As I wrote in an earlier post, I don't really expect it to work anyway as the chances are only 15%... But who knows. I am a little disappointed that AF came so late. If we wanted to do another one this year, it would have to be approximately on Xmas eve. I don't even know whether our doctor's office will be open that day. So it might be just this one... But hey, it is open season and we will be able to get out off our crappy health insurance.
No news from the adoption agency, yet. I am getting nervous that I haven't heard anything. I have to check with them that they received the paperwork. I'll do this tomorrow.
I am thinking about whether we should switch to international adoption. If we have such a hard time to get everything done before we move overseas, it might be easier if we just adopt from overseas. But I also really would like a newborn or an infant. And that seems not possible in an international adoption. Just an idea... If we find out during the home study that our time line doesn't work, we can still switch...
Monday, November 12, 2007
Back in town
So I seriously managed to keep AF away all week while traveling. I was just popping in one progesteron after the after. It worked well and this way we can immediately start with our IUI. But who had thought, that now while I am waiting for AF, she is far from visiting. I am supposed to call the doctor's office once she is here. But of course that will take forever...
My business trip went really well. But I am still glad I am back in town. I don't really travel a lot in my job, but somehow it always seems to interfere with our family planning. The day after our first IVF transfer I had to fly out to San Diego. Of course I was completely stressed out about the timing. Then I had put my progesteron suppositories in my suitcase and couldn't take one during the flight. I was so stressed out about it... No surprise, it didn't work.
No news from the adoption agency, yet. I sent our paperwork in last week before leaving town on Wednesday.
Thank you, Lori, for helping me with the link. I managed to change it in my last post. And it is fantastic to read your comments. It is so nice to know that I am not the only one out there that is going trough infertility. The infertile sisters here provide great support. But I wish we all could leave infertile island...
Sometimes infertility hurts the whole time and I am hurting just thinking about it. And sometimes I can manage to focus on something else instead of thinking about it the whole time. But it is still always there... Wouldn't it be nice to be wondering why you are late with your period, take a home pregnancy test, find out that you are pregnant and nine months later give birth to a wonderful, healthy baby. That is what happens to most couples. But about 10 percent of the population don't have that luck. I wish I was on the other side...
My business trip went really well. But I am still glad I am back in town. I don't really travel a lot in my job, but somehow it always seems to interfere with our family planning. The day after our first IVF transfer I had to fly out to San Diego. Of course I was completely stressed out about the timing. Then I had put my progesteron suppositories in my suitcase and couldn't take one during the flight. I was so stressed out about it... No surprise, it didn't work.
No news from the adoption agency, yet. I sent our paperwork in last week before leaving town on Wednesday.
Thank you, Lori, for helping me with the link. I managed to change it in my last post. And it is fantastic to read your comments. It is so nice to know that I am not the only one out there that is going trough infertility. The infertile sisters here provide great support. But I wish we all could leave infertile island...
Sometimes infertility hurts the whole time and I am hurting just thinking about it. And sometimes I can manage to focus on something else instead of thinking about it the whole time. But it is still always there... Wouldn't it be nice to be wondering why you are late with your period, take a home pregnancy test, find out that you are pregnant and nine months later give birth to a wonderful, healthy baby. That is what happens to most couples. But about 10 percent of the population don't have that luck. I wish I was on the other side...
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Hope crushed!
I just got a call from my RE's office. The blood test I did this morning was a BFN. Again. I am on cycle day 29 today and my temperature has been up the whole time. I was so hopeful that it might have worked naturally. I didn't really have any signs of early pregnancy, but I had to pee - a lot. And so I got my hopes up. With the rising temperature. A little more, every day. And now I feel like my hopes have been crushed again.
Katie, a fellow blogger, has described in her blog "Taking the statistical bullet" exactly how I feel at this second.
http://takingthestatisticalbullet.blogspot.com/2007/10/nothing-to-see-here.html
(I don't know yet how to link a different blog that I quote to my blog, can anyone help me with this?)
I prayed for a long time this morning after a couple of months where I didn't really feel connected to god. Probably I was still angry with him and grieving about our losses. How can he let this happen? Why did he plant this strong desire to be a mom inside me if he makes it so hard to fulfill? Will I ever understand his plan for my life?
And I think I am getting weird. I thought I wait with sending out the adoption paperwork (including the check) until after I hear back from my RE's office. And then I had this weird thoughts that when I send it out before, I will be pregnant (and the money will be gone, but who cares) or if I have spent the postage, I will be pregnant. But of course when I was just on my way to the mailbox, my phone rang with the bad news.
Time to send out the adoption paperwork!!! The first step of fulfilling our dream to expand our family!
Katie, a fellow blogger, has described in her blog "Taking the statistical bullet" exactly how I feel at this second.
http://takingthestatisticalbullet.blogspot.com/2007/10/nothing-to-see-here.html
(I don't know yet how to link a different blog that I quote to my blog, can anyone help me with this?)
I prayed for a long time this morning after a couple of months where I didn't really feel connected to god. Probably I was still angry with him and grieving about our losses. How can he let this happen? Why did he plant this strong desire to be a mom inside me if he makes it so hard to fulfill? Will I ever understand his plan for my life?
And I think I am getting weird. I thought I wait with sending out the adoption paperwork (including the check) until after I hear back from my RE's office. And then I had this weird thoughts that when I send it out before, I will be pregnant (and the money will be gone, but who cares) or if I have spent the postage, I will be pregnant. But of course when I was just on my way to the mailbox, my phone rang with the bad news.
Time to send out the adoption paperwork!!! The first step of fulfilling our dream to expand our family!
Monday, November 5, 2007
A complicated relationship
Update: My mom just called. My brother's girl-friend hosted a surprise party for my brother. My parents went in. I don't know why she didn't tell me. Everything seems alright now. My brother was crying when she hugged him and congratulated him on his birthday... I am so glad that this worked out.
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I was so upset this morning. My brother has his 40th birthday today. And my parents congratulated him............ via telephone. I have to add that they live 3 miles from his house. Their excuse was that my dad couldn't climb the stairs at my brother's house (my brother lives on the third level). How can you do something like this to your son? Especially since they drove 50 miles yesterday to visit my dad's brother and his family. I was so upset when my brother told me about it. He had invited them for a coffee and they had declined. I called my mom and told her that they should at least go there and congratulate him. Even if my dad has to stay in the car and they are only ringing his doorbell to show him that they made the effort to see him. He is their son!!!
She said that he disappointed her a lot this year, but she has forgiven him. Well, if she has forgiven him, why is she behaving like a 5 year old with a tamper tantrum? Why didn't she treat him the way like the lost son in the bible??? I ended up hanging up on her wishing her a great day. I tried to call her later on, but she wouldn't answer the phone.
She even told my brother's girl-friend (with whom she spoke on the phone last night) that she thought whether she should call at all. Of course my brother's girl-friend told him. I don't even want to imagine how much that must have hurt him.
The relationship between my parents and my brother has always been difficult and a complicated one, more so in the last 15 years. I believe my mom is upset that my brother doesn't give her the support she might like with my dad. My dad had a stroke two years ago and hasn't been doing so well since then. He spent 84 days in hospitals this year alone...
My brother has his own business, so he doesn't have the time to take care about the family farm (we don't have any animals any more, but still several fields which are leased). And he is visiting my parents regularly. Maybe not as often as they would like, but he comes there about once a week.
I am still so freaking angry about my mom. I don't really know what to do. They live in Europe, so I can't go and talk to her about it. Why do family relation-ships have to be so complicated???
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I was so upset this morning. My brother has his 40th birthday today. And my parents congratulated him............ via telephone. I have to add that they live 3 miles from his house. Their excuse was that my dad couldn't climb the stairs at my brother's house (my brother lives on the third level). How can you do something like this to your son? Especially since they drove 50 miles yesterday to visit my dad's brother and his family. I was so upset when my brother told me about it. He had invited them for a coffee and they had declined. I called my mom and told her that they should at least go there and congratulate him. Even if my dad has to stay in the car and they are only ringing his doorbell to show him that they made the effort to see him. He is their son!!!
She said that he disappointed her a lot this year, but she has forgiven him. Well, if she has forgiven him, why is she behaving like a 5 year old with a tamper tantrum? Why didn't she treat him the way like the lost son in the bible??? I ended up hanging up on her wishing her a great day. I tried to call her later on, but she wouldn't answer the phone.
She even told my brother's girl-friend (with whom she spoke on the phone last night) that she thought whether she should call at all. Of course my brother's girl-friend told him. I don't even want to imagine how much that must have hurt him.
The relationship between my parents and my brother has always been difficult and a complicated one, more so in the last 15 years. I believe my mom is upset that my brother doesn't give her the support she might like with my dad. My dad had a stroke two years ago and hasn't been doing so well since then. He spent 84 days in hospitals this year alone...
My brother has his own business, so he doesn't have the time to take care about the family farm (we don't have any animals any more, but still several fields which are leased). And he is visiting my parents regularly. Maybe not as often as they would like, but he comes there about once a week.
I am still so freaking angry about my mom. I don't really know what to do. They live in Europe, so I can't go and talk to her about it. Why do family relation-ships have to be so complicated???
Friday, November 2, 2007
A positive meeting with my RE
I have to update my last post. Once the clock hit 7:30 p.m. the kids started pouring in to trick or treat. We ended up having at least 25-30 kids. Some of them had really sweet costumes. I can't wait for the day when we will be able to go to do this with our kids. But that will still take a while... Once again DH showed his amazing skills with kids. He will be a great dad. I can't wait to see him become one.
Thank god, it is Friday. I look forward to having time off and relax a little bit. I will be traveling part of next week so I need to get my stuff ready. I just got back from my RE Dr. Wonderful. He is super nice and we really like him. I went in there really prepared. I brought my cycle charts along and had made a list with all the questions I wanted to discuss with him.
He doesn't think I have a luteal phase problem. He thinks that my progesteron levels just don't reflect yet in my blood. And he is not opposed to me taking progesteron to be on the safe side.
Dr. Wonderful will start the paperwork today so that we can do two IUI cycles before the end of the year. He prefers a stimulated cycle with injectables. Makes probably sense.
On the Miscarriage diagnosis, he still thinks that it is the endometriosis that is causing the miscarriages or failed implantation.
And he has worked with our adoption agency before, so that is good as well. He will be able to do all the paperwork they request. So one more problem solved.
Thank god, it is Friday. I look forward to having time off and relax a little bit. I will be traveling part of next week so I need to get my stuff ready. I just got back from my RE Dr. Wonderful. He is super nice and we really like him. I went in there really prepared. I brought my cycle charts along and had made a list with all the questions I wanted to discuss with him.
He doesn't think I have a luteal phase problem. He thinks that my progesteron levels just don't reflect yet in my blood. And he is not opposed to me taking progesteron to be on the safe side.
Dr. Wonderful will start the paperwork today so that we can do two IUI cycles before the end of the year. He prefers a stimulated cycle with injectables. Makes probably sense.
On the Miscarriage diagnosis, he still thinks that it is the endometriosis that is causing the miscarriages or failed implantation.
And he has worked with our adoption agency before, so that is good as well. He will be able to do all the paperwork they request. So one more problem solved.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
What happened to Halloween?
It is Halloween night and I am sitting here in our living room. It is 7:15 p.m. and so far we didn't have a single trick-or-treater come and visit us, yet. Yes, we have our light on and we have candy ready. But no kids. It has been a steady decline since the time we moved into this house two years ago.
The first year, we had a lot of kids come by and we had tons of candy. Last year we already noticed a slight decline. And this year? None, so far. Strange. What happened to Halloween? Where did all the children go? Do they know about our infertility struggles and have all decided not to bother us?
I just went outside a couple of minutes ago to see whether there are any children on the street, but no one out there... Weird. Most of our neighbors don't have kids. Our neighborhood has a lot of recently married couples and some older couples or singles. But we have a family with tons of kids around the corner. Where are they?
We never did Halloween growing up in my home country. But my parents told me today that this habit has been introduced recently over there as well and they had some kids come by.
My awaking temperature has skyrocketed to 98,4 this morning, more than I had the last couple of days. And I have to go to the bathroom all the time. I hate it how I get my hopes up because they will be crushed down when AF arrives.
It is 7:30 p.m. now and we just had our first four trick-or-treaters. I believe they were part of the huge family around the corner. We asked them what costumes they were and answered us, but one teenager girl said "Beautiful". Nice attitude, I have to say!!! Or did she mean that she is normally ugly and is only beautiful today??? We'll see what the evening brings.
Happy Halloween, everyone!!!
The first year, we had a lot of kids come by and we had tons of candy. Last year we already noticed a slight decline. And this year? None, so far. Strange. What happened to Halloween? Where did all the children go? Do they know about our infertility struggles and have all decided not to bother us?
I just went outside a couple of minutes ago to see whether there are any children on the street, but no one out there... Weird. Most of our neighbors don't have kids. Our neighborhood has a lot of recently married couples and some older couples or singles. But we have a family with tons of kids around the corner. Where are they?
We never did Halloween growing up in my home country. But my parents told me today that this habit has been introduced recently over there as well and they had some kids come by.
My awaking temperature has skyrocketed to 98,4 this morning, more than I had the last couple of days. And I have to go to the bathroom all the time. I hate it how I get my hopes up because they will be crushed down when AF arrives.
It is 7:30 p.m. now and we just had our first four trick-or-treaters. I believe they were part of the huge family around the corner. We asked them what costumes they were and answered us, but one teenager girl said "Beautiful". Nice attitude, I have to say!!! Or did she mean that she is normally ugly and is only beautiful today??? We'll see what the evening brings.
Happy Halloween, everyone!!!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Why not try IUI???
Last night we had our weekly bible study group. We meet once a week and discuss how we can integrate the bible in our daily life.
When one of our small group leaders asked for prayer request my dh actually shared with our group that we just started the adoption process. I felt a little weird first, because we don't really know a lot of the people in that group very well. And discussing infertility with them made me feel a little unfortable. But I guess the more people know the better the chance of finding a birthmother through our extended network of families and friends. The others were very supportive and we found out that the mother of one of the girls was adopted and that our leader has actually an adopted sister. It is strange, that whenever you share adoption with others that people can really relate to it and I was really surprised how many people are adopted or have an adopted family member. If you think about the scrutinity of the whole process I am surprised that so many people are adopting. Most of them must have done a home study and have been going through the same emotions and struggles as us.
On Friday I have an appointment with my RE. We have fulfilled our deductible for this year and our health insurance covers three IUIs per lifetime. So why not just use at least two of them this year??? I don't think we will stay with this health insurance forever, so we can it as long as they cover it anyway.
I don't really expect a positive outcome from the IUIs, but why not give it a try? I know that the chances of success are only 15% if everything is perfect. An normal IVF cycle has a 40% success chance, so obviously it is much higher. But IUI is much cheaper. And we only would have to pay 10% of the eligible expenses... Maybe we can still squeaze in two cycles this year...
When one of our small group leaders asked for prayer request my dh actually shared with our group that we just started the adoption process. I felt a little weird first, because we don't really know a lot of the people in that group very well. And discussing infertility with them made me feel a little unfortable. But I guess the more people know the better the chance of finding a birthmother through our extended network of families and friends. The others were very supportive and we found out that the mother of one of the girls was adopted and that our leader has actually an adopted sister. It is strange, that whenever you share adoption with others that people can really relate to it and I was really surprised how many people are adopted or have an adopted family member. If you think about the scrutinity of the whole process I am surprised that so many people are adopting. Most of them must have done a home study and have been going through the same emotions and struggles as us.
On Friday I have an appointment with my RE. We have fulfilled our deductible for this year and our health insurance covers three IUIs per lifetime. So why not just use at least two of them this year??? I don't think we will stay with this health insurance forever, so we can it as long as they cover it anyway.
I don't really expect a positive outcome from the IUIs, but why not give it a try? I know that the chances of success are only 15% if everything is perfect. An normal IVF cycle has a 40% success chance, so obviously it is much higher. But IUI is much cheaper. And we only would have to pay 10% of the eligible expenses... Maybe we can still squeaze in two cycles this year...
Monday, October 29, 2007
A Lifetime of Family Conservations
Let's Talk Adoption: A Lifetime of Family Conversations
Completion Certificate
This is to certify that:
Yoka and dh
have successfully completed
"Let's Talk Adoption: A Lifetime of Family Conversations”
This course included the following:
• Introduction to the course and description of the objectives.
• Lesson 1 – Why Talk Adoption – examined self-esteem, family bonds, sharing information and your child’s right to know.
• Lesson 2 – Barriers to Communication – examined beliefs and feelings about adoption.
• Lesson 3 – Developmental Stages – explored each stage of a child’s life and provided strategies for addressing their questions and concerns about adoption.
• Lesson 4 – Communication Strategies – provided strategies for communicating and practice with parent-child dialogues.
• Lesson 5 – Communication Tools – provided suggestions for making adoption a regular topic of conversation.
This course fulfills 2 hours of training.
The Executive Director
Here is the certificate of the course we did last week-end. It was interesting to learn more about the different developmental stages and how you need to talk to your child about adoption at every of theses stages. The reassuring thing is that even if you make mistakes, you are not gonna screw up this child's life.
It seems like we got a little bit closer to qualifying for the start of our home study... Now we just need to email our application in and then we have to take two more classes before they will start our home study.
I met with a friend for lunch today. I told her about my struggles with my faith. I have been struggling recently about having faith in god, even if he doesn't bless us with a child. She and I took on a challenge. We will try to find 10 tings every day that we are grateful for. So here comes my list for today:
1. I am grateful for the fact that I live.
2. I am grateful for my dear husband (he is probably gonna make this list a lot)
3. I am grateful for my family.
4. I am grateful for the sun.
5. I am grateful for being able to live in the US.
6. I am grateful for not having any endometriosis pain for a couple of months.
7. I am grateful for my job and the opportunities it provides.
8. I am grateful for the concept of adoption.
9. I am grateful for my friends.
10. I am grateful for good food.
Obviously there are more things I am grateful for. But I'll have to think about them in the next days.
On a different note. On Saturday we went out for dinner with friends. When we were in the restaurant, our friends told the waitress that we were just starting the adoption process. She was very nice and supportive and actually disclosed to us that she had given up a baby for adoption seven years ago to a couple of her parents friends. It seems like they didn't need a home study and only had to finalize the adoption via an attorney. That would be a dream to be able to have someone in our lives offer a baby to us. I am also starting to tell people that we are adopting. If this is the way our family will be build, then why lie about it?
Completion Certificate
This is to certify that:
Yoka and dh
have successfully completed
"Let's Talk Adoption: A Lifetime of Family Conversations”
This course included the following:
• Introduction to the course and description of the objectives.
• Lesson 1 – Why Talk Adoption – examined self-esteem, family bonds, sharing information and your child’s right to know.
• Lesson 2 – Barriers to Communication – examined beliefs and feelings about adoption.
• Lesson 3 – Developmental Stages – explored each stage of a child’s life and provided strategies for addressing their questions and concerns about adoption.
• Lesson 4 – Communication Strategies – provided strategies for communicating and practice with parent-child dialogues.
• Lesson 5 – Communication Tools – provided suggestions for making adoption a regular topic of conversation.
This course fulfills 2 hours of training.
The Executive Director
Here is the certificate of the course we did last week-end. It was interesting to learn more about the different developmental stages and how you need to talk to your child about adoption at every of theses stages. The reassuring thing is that even if you make mistakes, you are not gonna screw up this child's life.
It seems like we got a little bit closer to qualifying for the start of our home study... Now we just need to email our application in and then we have to take two more classes before they will start our home study.
I met with a friend for lunch today. I told her about my struggles with my faith. I have been struggling recently about having faith in god, even if he doesn't bless us with a child. She and I took on a challenge. We will try to find 10 tings every day that we are grateful for. So here comes my list for today:
1. I am grateful for the fact that I live.
2. I am grateful for my dear husband (he is probably gonna make this list a lot)
3. I am grateful for my family.
4. I am grateful for the sun.
5. I am grateful for being able to live in the US.
6. I am grateful for not having any endometriosis pain for a couple of months.
7. I am grateful for my job and the opportunities it provides.
8. I am grateful for the concept of adoption.
9. I am grateful for my friends.
10. I am grateful for good food.
Obviously there are more things I am grateful for. But I'll have to think about them in the next days.
On a different note. On Saturday we went out for dinner with friends. When we were in the restaurant, our friends told the waitress that we were just starting the adoption process. She was very nice and supportive and actually disclosed to us that she had given up a baby for adoption seven years ago to a couple of her parents friends. It seems like they didn't need a home study and only had to finalize the adoption via an attorney. That would be a dream to be able to have someone in our lives offer a baby to us. I am also starting to tell people that we are adopting. If this is the way our family will be build, then why lie about it?
Friday, October 26, 2007
Telling my boss
This week I have done something I never seriously considered doing. I told my boss that we were trying to adopt. It was just the right timing I felt. He asked how long I would stay with them before we move (next summer) and I told him that I was hoping to stay until June, July or August. I don't know yet, as it depends on my husbands job.
And then I told him that we were about to start adoption and - if by grace we were chosen as parents by a birthmom - it would be possible that I would have to leave earlier, but I was also hoping to work from home in that case. He sounded surprised and asked whether we couldn't have children naturally and I said it was highly unlikely because of the endometriosis (he knows that I have it, because I needed surgery last year and I told him why). But I also told him that it is a long, long process and we don't know when it might happen. And then we just generally talked about children and the right timing. He doesn't have any children and he regrets it. But the timing seemed never right. It was great to talk to him about it and I think it has brought us closer. I really like my boss. At least he will understand if I have to quit (or need holidays) on a short notice if we are matched...
Did you share infertility at work? How did your bosses and colleagues react? I got my first few comments and am very excited about them. It is so nice to get support from other women going through the same struggles and pain.
This week-end we will hopefully take an online class on adoption. Our agency requires that class and two additional classes in their office prior to starting the home study. I hope it will prepare us even better for parenthood. I am willing to do everything I can to be a great parent one day.
We also had an invite for a play-date with the children of some friends. We have done that recently in our house for some friends and their babies and it was a lot of fun. But I don't think like I belong there (yet) so I canceled. One of our friends is pregnant with her fourth (1 child IUI, twins with IVF and now a natural conception) child and I don't really want to see her as it reminds me constantly of my empty womb. The last time the moms were starting to talk about their pregnancies and I just felt left out. I tried to stay positive and not start to cry, but it wasn't easy. A lot of our friends are now planning for their second baby and we still have nothing, except an empty bank account and lots of money spend on infertility treatment with no viable pregnancy.
Have a great week-end everyone!
And then I told him that we were about to start adoption and - if by grace we were chosen as parents by a birthmom - it would be possible that I would have to leave earlier, but I was also hoping to work from home in that case. He sounded surprised and asked whether we couldn't have children naturally and I said it was highly unlikely because of the endometriosis (he knows that I have it, because I needed surgery last year and I told him why). But I also told him that it is a long, long process and we don't know when it might happen. And then we just generally talked about children and the right timing. He doesn't have any children and he regrets it. But the timing seemed never right. It was great to talk to him about it and I think it has brought us closer. I really like my boss. At least he will understand if I have to quit (or need holidays) on a short notice if we are matched...
Did you share infertility at work? How did your bosses and colleagues react? I got my first few comments and am very excited about them. It is so nice to get support from other women going through the same struggles and pain.
This week-end we will hopefully take an online class on adoption. Our agency requires that class and two additional classes in their office prior to starting the home study. I hope it will prepare us even better for parenthood. I am willing to do everything I can to be a great parent one day.
We also had an invite for a play-date with the children of some friends. We have done that recently in our house for some friends and their babies and it was a lot of fun. But I don't think like I belong there (yet) so I canceled. One of our friends is pregnant with her fourth (1 child IUI, twins with IVF and now a natural conception) child and I don't really want to see her as it reminds me constantly of my empty womb. The last time the moms were starting to talk about their pregnancies and I just felt left out. I tried to stay positive and not start to cry, but it wasn't easy. A lot of our friends are now planning for their second baby and we still have nothing, except an empty bank account and lots of money spend on infertility treatment with no viable pregnancy.
Have a great week-end everyone!
Thursday, October 25, 2007
A tiny bit of life
April 12, 2007 was the day that changed my life forever. I was supposed to go to an appointment at our RE's office for an ultrasound and blood work. Our first IVF attempt had failed in March and we were getting ready for our next attempt. I wanted one month break in between and my doctor recommended I should start the pill because of the endometriosis. So I took the pill every single day. I didn't want to take it because I was trying to have a baby and I was doing something to stop me from preventing to have one. But I was also scared of the endometriosis and the cysts coming back - with all the pain I had endured over the course of 2006. So I took the pill. I also had my period while we were visiting my mother-in-law in Upstate New York.
I was supposed to start fertility medications soon and went in for the ultrasound. It revealed that I had another cyst. I was devastated.
Here is an email, I shared that morning with my women's small group:
Dear friends,
I just went to see the doctor for a sonogramm and blood work. It turns out I have another cyst on my right ovary. I don't know yet, whether this is another endometriosis cyst or just a regular normal cycle cyst. I don't want to go through all of this again... I don't want to have another surygery... I already had two surgeries last year to remove two cysts. What is the point of removing them, if they come back anyway...
They took blood work to figure out, what kind of cyst it is. Please pray that it is no endo cyst. I will hear learn more this afternoon.
It is one of the things, I worry about, but can't control. God is in control. Why does the Lord put this strong desire for children in my heart, if he makes it so difficult to fullfill it? Why does he send all these pregnant women my way? The pain is already strong enough without them... I am so sad. When will this ever go away?
Yoka
And three days later I sent this email:
Dear friends,
I wanted to follow-up on my "cyst". On Thursday afternoon I received
this call from my doctor's office. The nurse told me that my blood
tested positive for pregnancy. I was completely confused. I told her
that that could not be possible, because I had been on the pill the
whole last month and that I had just had my period. She just said that
these things happen, but that they wanted to do one more test, because
my levels had been kind of low and she would call me on Friday.
Well, I was confused. I didn't really know what to think. My first
thought was that they must have mixed my blood sample. Then I thought:
Wow! God really has a sense for humor. After everything we have been
trough with years of trying to conceive naturally, the Endomeriosis,
the two surgeries, the testing, the IVF and the failure of the IVF, he
gets me pregnant, while I am trying to give my body some rest and
while I am on the pill? The doctor had told us before that we only
have about a 5% chance of conceiving naturally, but it would be very
difficult. And the pill is supposed to be 99% safe. So, how big were
the chances?
I bought two pregnancy tests on Thursday. My dearest husband picked me up at the
metro and I was nearly bursting to tell him, but I wanted to do a
pregnancy test first. So once we arrived home, I did the first test. I
couldn't nearly believe when the second line that indicates pregnancy
turned blue. It was POSITIVE!!! I was overjoyed. That was the first
positive pregnancy test of my life, and I have taken quite a few over
the years. So I was cautiously optimistic.
I told my dearest Husband and he couldn't nearly believe it. What a powerful sign of
God! On Friday morning I did another pregnancy test, just to be on the
save side. It was still positive!!! I still had some light bleeding,
but because I just had had my period, and since I was pregnant, I
thought that would probably go away. The nurse then called on Friday
morning and said that our doctor wanted me to come in for another
blood test on Saturday morning.
I went in yesterday for the blood test. When the nurse called
yesterday afternoon to tell us the results, it turns out that the
levels had stayed more or less the same and not doubled like they are
supposed to. So our doctor is pretty sure, that I will have a
miscarriage, but wants me to come in for another blood test on
Tuesday.
Dear friends, I don't really know what to ask you to pray for. I just
wish that God's will be done. Even if he doesn't want us to have this
child, he has shown us that I can get pregnant - naturally.
I am in deep pain and I am struggling with what this powerful message
means. This morning after church, the pastor prayed with us and we
hope for clarity as we move in our way forward.
I never felt the Lord speak to me so clearly before. But I don't
understand yet, what he is telling me to do. Amidst all the pain, I
even feel grateful to have at least once experienced the blessing of
being pregnant, even it was just for a couple of weeks.
Thank you for your prayers. You are such a blessing in my life. I feel
like I am also putting a lot of our personal struggle upon you and
asking for a lot of you to go through this with me. I know it is not
easy to handle and please tell me, if this is more than you want to
deal with.
Yoka
I was sad, but also relieved. At least I could get pregnant. How many women never get to experience this at all. And how many women miscarry to go on with a healthy pregnancy and baby. This really gave me also a lot of hope in all the despair... I was so happy to be able to take a positive pregnancy test for the first time in my life.
The bleeding continued over the next two weeks and with a steady flow the tiny bit of life that had once been inside me, left my body. And we had to let it go before we even got to meet it. The HCG-levels went down with our hopes.
I was supposed to start fertility medications soon and went in for the ultrasound. It revealed that I had another cyst. I was devastated.
Here is an email, I shared that morning with my women's small group:
Dear friends,
I just went to see the doctor for a sonogramm and blood work. It turns out I have another cyst on my right ovary. I don't know yet, whether this is another endometriosis cyst or just a regular normal cycle cyst. I don't want to go through all of this again... I don't want to have another surygery... I already had two surgeries last year to remove two cysts. What is the point of removing them, if they come back anyway...
They took blood work to figure out, what kind of cyst it is. Please pray that it is no endo cyst. I will hear learn more this afternoon.
It is one of the things, I worry about, but can't control. God is in control. Why does the Lord put this strong desire for children in my heart, if he makes it so difficult to fullfill it? Why does he send all these pregnant women my way? The pain is already strong enough without them... I am so sad. When will this ever go away?
Yoka
And three days later I sent this email:
Dear friends,
I wanted to follow-up on my "cyst". On Thursday afternoon I received
this call from my doctor's office. The nurse told me that my blood
tested positive for pregnancy. I was completely confused. I told her
that that could not be possible, because I had been on the pill the
whole last month and that I had just had my period. She just said that
these things happen, but that they wanted to do one more test, because
my levels had been kind of low and she would call me on Friday.
Well, I was confused. I didn't really know what to think. My first
thought was that they must have mixed my blood sample. Then I thought:
Wow! God really has a sense for humor. After everything we have been
trough with years of trying to conceive naturally, the Endomeriosis,
the two surgeries, the testing, the IVF and the failure of the IVF, he
gets me pregnant, while I am trying to give my body some rest and
while I am on the pill? The doctor had told us before that we only
have about a 5% chance of conceiving naturally, but it would be very
difficult. And the pill is supposed to be 99% safe. So, how big were
the chances?
I bought two pregnancy tests on Thursday. My dearest husband picked me up at the
metro and I was nearly bursting to tell him, but I wanted to do a
pregnancy test first. So once we arrived home, I did the first test. I
couldn't nearly believe when the second line that indicates pregnancy
turned blue. It was POSITIVE!!! I was overjoyed. That was the first
positive pregnancy test of my life, and I have taken quite a few over
the years. So I was cautiously optimistic.
I told my dearest Husband and he couldn't nearly believe it. What a powerful sign of
God! On Friday morning I did another pregnancy test, just to be on the
save side. It was still positive!!! I still had some light bleeding,
but because I just had had my period, and since I was pregnant, I
thought that would probably go away. The nurse then called on Friday
morning and said that our doctor wanted me to come in for another
blood test on Saturday morning.
I went in yesterday for the blood test. When the nurse called
yesterday afternoon to tell us the results, it turns out that the
levels had stayed more or less the same and not doubled like they are
supposed to. So our doctor is pretty sure, that I will have a
miscarriage, but wants me to come in for another blood test on
Tuesday.
Dear friends, I don't really know what to ask you to pray for. I just
wish that God's will be done. Even if he doesn't want us to have this
child, he has shown us that I can get pregnant - naturally.
I am in deep pain and I am struggling with what this powerful message
means. This morning after church, the pastor prayed with us and we
hope for clarity as we move in our way forward.
I never felt the Lord speak to me so clearly before. But I don't
understand yet, what he is telling me to do. Amidst all the pain, I
even feel grateful to have at least once experienced the blessing of
being pregnant, even it was just for a couple of weeks.
Thank you for your prayers. You are such a blessing in my life. I feel
like I am also putting a lot of our personal struggle upon you and
asking for a lot of you to go through this with me. I know it is not
easy to handle and please tell me, if this is more than you want to
deal with.
Yoka
I was sad, but also relieved. At least I could get pregnant. How many women never get to experience this at all. And how many women miscarry to go on with a healthy pregnancy and baby. This really gave me also a lot of hope in all the despair... I was so happy to be able to take a positive pregnancy test for the first time in my life.
The bleeding continued over the next two weeks and with a steady flow the tiny bit of life that had once been inside me, left my body. And we had to let it go before we even got to meet it. The HCG-levels went down with our hopes.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Marching forward...
My blog is called Road to adopt, because I know it is a long road. It is not some short kind of one-way-street, but rather a highway with a lot of traffic and a lot of cars coming and going in both directions. These cars are carrying all the information that is going back and forth. And hopefully one day the road will come to an end and we will reach our goal. But it can take a long time...
We celebrated our wedding anniversary last night by filling out our adoption application. My husband actually suggested it and you can imagine how fast I was running to get it. Normally I am the one that is trying to push him to do things... And he can get really annoyed by it. We disclosed all our information, our health history, our finances, everything... We picked friends to serve as a reference and have to ask a few of them before we can send out our paperwork. We will take an online pre-adoption class this week-end and then two more classes in the next two months. Hopefully by then our home study process can begin. I can't wait for it to happen...
We celebrated our wedding anniversary last night by filling out our adoption application. My husband actually suggested it and you can imagine how fast I was running to get it. Normally I am the one that is trying to push him to do things... And he can get really annoyed by it. We disclosed all our information, our health history, our finances, everything... We picked friends to serve as a reference and have to ask a few of them before we can send out our paperwork. We will take an online pre-adoption class this week-end and then two more classes in the next two months. Hopefully by then our home study process can begin. I can't wait for it to happen...
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Another year down the road
Today is our third Wedding Anniversary. I can't believe how lucky I am to have such a great husband. He is amazing and I love him more every single day.
When I was younger I used to date guys that were not so much into me. It gave me a lot of heartache. But more than four years ago when I met my husband, it was different. He really liked me from the start. I wasn't sure at the beginning, because he was so different from all the crazy guys I have dated. But then I completely fell in love with him and I still don't know how it happened. It was like a light in my brain that was switched on.
He is the most amazing person ever. He is my best friend and he has a great sense of humor, which is so important in every relationship. Even when I am mad at him, it takes him 3 seconds to make me laugh. He has the most beautiful big brown eyes you have ever seen. He is very faithful and started a relationship with God at only 5 years old. I am learning from him every single day. He makes me a better person. The last three years haven't been easy with us moving overseas from Europe to the US, buying a house, starting new jobs, my Dad and his Mom being really sick (my Dad had a stroke two years ago and his Mom was dealing with breast cancer last year) and - the most painful of all - dealing with endometriosis and two surgeries as well as the pain of infertility. These three years haven't been easy and I guess a lot of couples would have separated by now with everything we have been through. But I believe that it has actually made us stronger. We have been through so much, we can do nearly everything...
Happy anniversary, honey!!!
.
When I was younger I used to date guys that were not so much into me. It gave me a lot of heartache. But more than four years ago when I met my husband, it was different. He really liked me from the start. I wasn't sure at the beginning, because he was so different from all the crazy guys I have dated. But then I completely fell in love with him and I still don't know how it happened. It was like a light in my brain that was switched on.
He is the most amazing person ever. He is my best friend and he has a great sense of humor, which is so important in every relationship. Even when I am mad at him, it takes him 3 seconds to make me laugh. He has the most beautiful big brown eyes you have ever seen. He is very faithful and started a relationship with God at only 5 years old. I am learning from him every single day. He makes me a better person. The last three years haven't been easy with us moving overseas from Europe to the US, buying a house, starting new jobs, my Dad and his Mom being really sick (my Dad had a stroke two years ago and his Mom was dealing with breast cancer last year) and - the most painful of all - dealing with endometriosis and two surgeries as well as the pain of infertility. These three years haven't been easy and I guess a lot of couples would have separated by now with everything we have been through. But I believe that it has actually made us stronger. We have been through so much, we can do nearly everything...
Happy anniversary, honey!!!
.
Monday, October 22, 2007
A quiet week-end
Last week-end was pretty quiet. We spent nearly all week-end at home. Just on Friday night and Saturday night we went out for an event and my hubbies birthday dinner with friends. At the dinner one of our friends shared the news that she just found out that she is having another baby. They already have three year old at home. I did surprisingly well when I heart the news. I didn't start crying at the table.
Today I called the adoption agency. We have decided to start the Home Study Process. So we will need to fill out lots of paperwork and start with the application. It is very exciting.
My poor colleague lost her baby. The beta was too low. I wish we could all escape from infertile island.
Today I called the adoption agency. We have decided to start the Home Study Process. So we will need to fill out lots of paperwork and start with the application. It is very exciting.
My poor colleague lost her baby. The beta was too low. I wish we could all escape from infertile island.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
This day could have been a little better...
Today was a strange day. My colleague told me she is pregnant. She and her husband did their first IVF. She is 40. Her beta is really low at 20. I am happy for her that it worked the first time and hope her beta goes up. After the two week wait, she is now in another wait to see whether her beta doubles as wanted. Poor her... I know how that feels.
I have been trough this just in July. My beta was only at 9, but doppled every two days until it came up to 72. And then... I started bleeding a little. When I called the doctor, he told me that some bleeding was absolutely normal. But deep inside I knew, I was loosing my baby. And the bloodwork the next day showed that I was right. The HCG went down to 54.
When I just took the bus home from work, the damn bus literally stopped at every single stop on the road, except one. It took forever. I went to get our mail from the letter box and saw a letter from MA. I was surprised because I don't really have a penpal from there. When I just opened it, I freaked out: it was an invite for a baby shower for my husband cousin's wife. I don't want to be ungrateful. It is nice of them to think of me and invite me. They don't know about our struggles with infertility. But I don't think I'd like to go and put myself through the pain of spending an afternoon with pregnant women and baby talk. I don't think I can do this. Infertility takes all this joy away from you.
I wish I could just be a normal women for 9 months and enjoy the blessing of having a baby grow inside me. A real baby moving inside me. To be able to go out and buy maternity clothes. To see my belly grow and be actually happy about it. Instead I feel broken. I know at the end of the day infertility makes me stronger. But the pain is never gonna go away.
I have been trough this just in July. My beta was only at 9, but doppled every two days until it came up to 72. And then... I started bleeding a little. When I called the doctor, he told me that some bleeding was absolutely normal. But deep inside I knew, I was loosing my baby. And the bloodwork the next day showed that I was right. The HCG went down to 54.
When I just took the bus home from work, the damn bus literally stopped at every single stop on the road, except one. It took forever. I went to get our mail from the letter box and saw a letter from MA. I was surprised because I don't really have a penpal from there. When I just opened it, I freaked out: it was an invite for a baby shower for my husband cousin's wife. I don't want to be ungrateful. It is nice of them to think of me and invite me. They don't know about our struggles with infertility. But I don't think I'd like to go and put myself through the pain of spending an afternoon with pregnant women and baby talk. I don't think I can do this. Infertility takes all this joy away from you.
I wish I could just be a normal women for 9 months and enjoy the blessing of having a baby grow inside me. A real baby moving inside me. To be able to go out and buy maternity clothes. To see my belly grow and be actually happy about it. Instead I feel broken. I know at the end of the day infertility makes me stronger. But the pain is never gonna go away.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Our first Webinar on adoption
Tonight we actually took our first Webinar. It is like an online seminar where you see a live presentation and you call a number to participate. It is fascinating what you can do with technology these days. The seminar was on domestic adoption in the US. Stephanie from the adoption agency walked us through the whole process. it was quite interesting to listen to all the questions the participants had. We found out that they have only 9 waiting families in their program on African American adoption. Why not more? It was kind of surprising. Most agencys have a lot waiting families. I am Caucasian and my husband is biracial Caucasian/Asian (and he looks hot!!!). We are open to any kind of race for an adopted child. We have so much love to give. It doesn't matter which race the child we are giving this love to has.
When I was a child I was always wondering how my children would look like. I am still wondering, but starting to realize that I might never find out. It is an aching pain deep inside that is difficult to describe if you haven't faced inferility yourself. But my desire to parent is stronger than my desire to have biological children, so what the heck???
After the seminar we discussed how we will proceed. I have to do some more research about the application process because that agency is not really in our area. And then we will go ahead and start our home study process. I can't wait for it to be finished. I can't wait for the day when our baby is actually gonna come home. I wonder when that will be....
When I was a child I was always wondering how my children would look like. I am still wondering, but starting to realize that I might never find out. It is an aching pain deep inside that is difficult to describe if you haven't faced inferility yourself. But my desire to parent is stronger than my desire to have biological children, so what the heck???
After the seminar we discussed how we will proceed. I have to do some more research about the application process because that agency is not really in our area. And then we will go ahead and start our home study process. I can't wait for it to be finished. I can't wait for the day when our baby is actually gonna come home. I wonder when that will be....
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Our struggle with infertility
After years of struggling with infertility, many failed infertility treatments, and two miscarriages this year we have decided to follow the road to adoption. While we are aware that this is not going to be easy, we know deep in our heart that our desire to be parents is stronger than our wish to have biological children.
Thank you for reading this blog. If you are pregnant and considering to give your child into adoption, please contact us. It would be a dream come true.
Thank you for reading this blog. If you are pregnant and considering to give your child into adoption, please contact us. It would be a dream come true.
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