If I could stop the time...

Today was a holiday and I was really looking forward to spending some time as a family. Little did I know that my husband had different plans. He wanted to play golf. I usually try to support him doing sports (his two soccer games a week, his basketball game once a week (even though he doesn't go every week) and golf once in a while), but today I was kind of bummed that I was a golf widow and by myself with Lilli all morning long.

I wanted to look at a daycare with a friend and her husband and had thought it might be nice for him to come along as well. After all this is OUR daughter and we have to make a decision together on which daycare she will attend. I really liked this daycare and even though it is logistically a little challenging (Caracas traffic is among the worst in the world), I think that she will start there in January. I really liked the teacher-student ration and that they have something like a concept of what they are doing. I know Lilli will love the interaction with other children. She is such a smart little girl. Her vocabulary has been skyrocketing. She is using about 60-70 words currently. She needs more outside input. It is an English speaking daycare, but two of the teachers speak only Spanish.

Starting daycare will be with mixed emotions. While I think it is the right thing to do for Lilli, I am aware that this is also the beginning of a journey of independence for her. First it's daycare, then kindergarden, then school, then she moves out, gets married, has children. Once this whole train is moving, there is no stopping it.

When I was having my confirmation in church (I was 13 I think) my Mom wrote this poem about my childhood. She wrote that often when I was little she just wanted to stop the time. Now I know what she meant by this all to well. There are so many precious moments that I want to treasure in my memory for the rest of my life. Lilli's smile and happy self, her toddling around, there are so many pictures that I have in front of me. But then, when I look at pictures of Lilli as a newborn, I can barely imagine that this is the same baby. She looks so different now. I can't even imagine that she was this little once. When I am holding babies of friends and they are the age that Lilli was just a couple of months ago, I can't stop myself from comparing them with her. Lilli has always had an incredible muscle tone. Compared to her many babies now feel like bags of flour. I wonder how it will be once we have a second baby. Will I do the same and compare every developmental milestone? I am also wondering whether we can get so lucky again. I mean, we got the perfect baby. Easygoing, friendly, healthy, no problems in terms of sleeping, feeding or allergies. How can any other baby measure up to that? Aren't we challenging our destiny to try again/adopt again? Can we love another baby like her?

Back to today: Around 1 p.m. dh finally came home from his golf game. It is weird to me how he just assumes that I will take care of Lilli when he wants to play sports. It seems like for men like him it is so normal that their wives will take care of the children when they are not available or have something else to do. Maybe because he doesn't spend a lot of time with her anyway because he is working. I don't really mind watching Lilli, but it would be nice, if he could at least ask me whether I have something else going on. Sometimes I would enjoy some time just for myself. But I have to admit that I am spoiled because on the days where I don't work, I can the maid/nanny let take care of Lilli. And the nanny is great. She is here every day now (our apartment is really big and three days a week she takes care of Lilli while I am at work in the mornings). Lilli loves her. I love her. But I don't want her to take care of Lilli every day. Because I also enjoy taking care of her. But sometimes Moms and children just need a break.

Even though I was upset when he came home, we managed to get along in the afternoon and spent a nice afternoon at our pool and a great dinner at a Sushi place close by. Now Dh is again playing soccer and I am just catching up on all my blogs.

A big sigh of relieve

was breathed in the doctor's office today. So this is the 6th doctor looking at it, who was pretty sure that it is not Lupus. He thinks it is a scar caused by birth. I am not quite sure about that since we only noticed it a couple of months ago, but I am very relieved at least that it is not Lupus. The doctor took a picture of her ear and will post it on his homepage accessible for dermatologists worldwide to take a look at it. We will also do a blood test to be sure that her blood is o.k.

I am just grateful that for now she is safe and healthy. I can't stop worrying about her. Somehow since we suffered from infertility I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. But today I am happy. I had a wonderful friend accompany me to the appointment. I didn't want to go alone since it was on the other side of town. I wanted a second person with me in case things didn't go so well. Dh is on a business trip to the beautiful La Isla Margarita. At least we had a driver take us there. The appointment was at 5 p.m. and rush-hour traffic in Caracas seems to be the worst. It took us only 30 minutes to get there, but one hour to come back home.