BFN

That was to expect after all the drama with this cycle. At least it's a clear result.

It's strange, but now I am nearly relieved it's over. I don't think I would have wanted another miscarriage or another maybe pregnancy. My body has killed another 3 embryos. That makes 12 or 13 now, depending how you count... I feel sad, but since I was prepared for this, I am more or less o.k.

Time for some Booze and hair-dying and chocolate and carbs and all the other stuff I have been depriving myself off for the last couple of months.

Did I tell you that my pregnant friend wanted to take me out for dinner tonight? I am sorry, but I don't think I can do this. I am still sick and if I would go out, I wanted Sushi and Booze.

Sick as a dog

I am sick as a dog. Lilli has passed me her cold which has turned into sinusitis for me. I went in for an other bloodtest yesterday. I was supposed to go today, but I wanted to see what was happening.

Estradiol: 171,85 (up from last blood test)
Progesterone: 6,39 (down from 12,something)

The end is near. My lining is starting to shed... I am sure it's over.

I really didn't wan to be back at this place!

This morning I received yesterday's blood results for progesterone and estradiol. They both completely feel from Saturday. Now I am completely freaked out. I really didn't want to visit this place again where I am obsessing about everything. Dr. Google hasn't been very helpful either. I was trying to be all Zen about this cycle, knowing that we would be o.k. in the end. Now I feel like the end is here already...
While dh tells me to focus on this cycle, I am already in my head thinking about the next. What if we use donor eggs? Will that make a difference. It is so hard to realize that my body might just not be made for having babies. Makes me feel like a complete failure - again. I really didn't want to be back in this place...

1 more week

I contacted the doctor yesterday. She asked me how I was feeling. I told her I didn't feel anything. She said that this was normal and to not worry. I am trying not to. Sometimes I think of a plan B. What if this doesn't work? With our history, there is quite a likely chance it won't work. Implantation is not something that can be controlled. Should we try again with donor eggs? Save the money for another adoption?

Courtesy to L. I am also dealing with a cold - runny nose and cough and all...

I definitely am at a better place than I was nearly 4 years ago when we tried for the first time. I am not as obsessed with every twinge and every pain. One more week and we will know. And no matter what the result will be. We will be o.k. We have a beautiful baby in our house right now.

Day 6 - 9 days to go!

The ball was great. But it was hard because I felt I needed to explain myself all the time why I wasn't drinking. Everybody around me got trashed. I was sipping my water all night...

Symptoms so far: none. Sore breasts from the drugs. Nothing more. This is the least movement I ever had in my belly. It seems like nothing is going on down there. I am of course convinced that it didn't work at all. On Friday I felt a little queasy and I was a little excited because I hope maybe that this was the beginning of a lot more queasiness. Nope.

Yesterday I had to get my bloodwork done. I went early in the morning to avoid having to wait too long. I arrived at the hospital at 6:39 a.m. (the lab doesn't open until 7:00 a.m.) and took my number. There were already 8 people in front of me. I still had to wait about an hour until I was done...

I really hate it that it seems I always have to remind the nurse to either put on gloves before drawing my blood or to change their gloves. This is such a standard in the U.S., but here people just seem completely careless. One nurse recently told me: "Don't worry, I have kids!". I didn't know what she wanted to express with that, but I guess she wanted to say that she was being careful. Especially if you have kids, you should put on gloves, dear lady!

After the blood draw I asked the cashier at what time the results would be ready and whether they could send them via email (which they have done in the past). He said to call after one. Of course I called after one to hear that they couldn't email them because it was a week-end and their system doesn't seem to work on week-ends. I then asked them to tell me the results. Well, guess what? There is a law preventing them to do it. They were willing to fax them to me, but we don't have a fax number here. I couldn't really go back to pick them up either because I had to get ready for the ball. In the end I asked them to send them to the Dr.'s office. But I am pretty sure that they didn't do that. So tomorrow my doctor will see two day old progesterone and estradiol results... Why does everything have to be so complicated here?

Day 3 - 12 more days to go...

I went in for an acupuncture session today. She didn't put a lot of needles in. It still felt relaxing. Except someone thought it was o.k. to bring their screaming child to the Spa I went to and the child pretty much screamed the whole time. I was upset about it, then I felt bad for thinking that way. I just think it's not appropriate to bring your child to a place where people come for tranquility and relaxation.

I had two coloring sessions already. I think they help to calm down. Whether they help with implantation, I won't know until November 16th.

We are supposed to go to a ball on Saturday. I feel horrible about the thought of having to explain to people that I won't be able to drink. I don't really feel like going, but it's kind of a work thing...

Lilli is doing my hair as I am typing (one of her newest passions - I call it revenge), so I should probably get going and spend some time with her... Will keep you updated.

3 Babies on Board

This morning we transferred three babies into my uterus. The whole time nobody ever spoke about embryos, they were talking about babies all the time. One was a grade A and two were grade B. The transfer went very smooth.

Now I am pregnant until proven otherwise and I have entered the dreaded Two-Week-Wait. I will have to do a blood test every couple of days. The pregnancy test is on November 16th. I will also stay on estrogen and progesteron as well as the prednisone and all the other vitamins I am taking.

When we arrived at the clinic, a lady approached us. She said that she was working with the clinic on alternative medicine. What she basically does, is give you relaxation techniques. So while doing the transfer, she was telling me how we were on the beach and to look at the waves etc.

Before she had given me some papers to color. They are supposed to represent the process, so my brain would release some endorphin or something. That was a little weird. Dh did get his own set of papers to color... We might have a coloring session with Lil this afternoon. She also gave us a CD with music which I am supposed to hear every night. I might schedule an appointment with her in a couple of days to visualize the babies growing inside me.

I love, love, love our doctor. She said that they have done everything they can. Now it is in God's hands. We prayed the same thing on the way to the hospital.

Doctor wants me to rest for the next two days. I can do that. I love being spoiled by dh. He made a great Mac'n Cheese for lunch. She wants me to continue this diet where I don't eat sugar and chocolate and no carbs at night. I am craving chocolate so badly now. I want a molten chocolate cake so badly...