I am in a very bad place right now. I decided to not blog about this donor egg cycle, hoping I would be able to come back here in about 8 weeks to let you in on my little secret that I finally made it to the other side and was pregnant with twins.
On April 18th we transferred three grade two embryos in my body. This was our donor's third donor cycle and both previous cycles resulted in ongoing pregnancies. The donor already has two babies at home.
This time I was taking Heparine and PIO shots in addition to the suppositories and the steroids. My blood levels of estrogen and progesterone were great. They dropped a little the week after transfer (which my doctor said was normal) and then went up to 557 estrogen and 51 progesterone last Saturday. I was super happy with those levels and really thought that this time it has worked. Stupid me was thinking that one of the little beings in me had started producing its own progesterone. In addition, my period is nowhere to be seen (last time it started before the blood test). While my boobs were never sore during the whole cycle, I had to pee quite frequently and actually had to get up to pee at night. I was really sure that 5 times of IVF was our lucky charm. After all we were using donor eggs, right? That's supposed to work...
Yesterday night I couldn't contain myself and took an expired pregnancy test (that was the only one I had at home). It was negative. This morning when I had my blood test in the doctor's office I broke down and cried in front of the nurse that was drawing my blood. She told me to have faith. I told her how difficult it was to continue to have faith after 5 (!) IVF cycles.
Afterwards I frantically googled expired pregnancy tests and false negatives... I tried to tell myself that it is all in God's hand. I had to leave it up to him. Still I was thinking about getting a positive result.
The doctor's office was supposed to call me with the results at 11:00 am. Needless to say that I couldn't do any work this morning... The two pregnant ladies in my office were not there first, and then in and out. I finally called the doctor's office while I was by myself in the office. It took a while for me to talk to the right person. Finally she told me that she wanted me to call my doctor on her cell phone. Which I thought was because the doctor wanted to tell me the results personally. At our last failed cycle I hadn't done the blood test there, so I was kind of surprised. I heard a sad tone in her voice, but still had hope.
Of course I called the doctor right away. To hear it personally from the doctor: My body once again has killed three potential children. I feel like such a failure.
