Attention: more frustration ahead!

I am warning you: another frustrated blog is about to start.

All the staring at the phone hasn't helped. The social worker still hasn't called. I called the agency again to ask what was up and the lady told me that the social worker told her this morning that she was going to call us tomorrow. If she doesn't even have the time for a phone call, how will she be able to do our home study?

Of course, tomorrow will be a busy day in the office and I might not even be able to take her call. I wonder if our first meeting will be next week or whether she won't have time for us before I return from Europe.

I am flying to Belgium next week for some work meeting. Then I get to see my friends and family. I am very excited to see them.

The leftover 10 percent and other ramblings

I had a node on my thyroid ten years ago and they removed 90% of my thyroid. It doesn't conflict with my life. I take a daily dose of Levothyroxine haven't had any problems any more. But I need to have it checked out regularly. And I have been bad with checkups since moving to the US.

In Europe I had my whole support system and infrastructure of doctors, hairdressers, nail places, dry cleaners, etc. set up. But it takes a long time to build such a support infrastructure in a new place. It is not easy to do this in a new country with a whole new system of health insurance in addition. So I avoided to go to any doctor. Of course only until I met my RE. I never avoided going there. I think I spent more time with my RE in the last two years than with my family.

In July of last year I finally went to see a doctor to have my thyroid checked out. I even had to schedule an extra ultrasound because they couldn't do it on the same day. After the ultrasound I called the doctor's office a couple of days later for the results. The woman said the doctor was gonna call me back soon. I didn't hear from them after that and assumed everything was fine. To make a long story short. Yesterday (!) after six months I receive this call from the doctor. I guess she must have had a long list of calls before ours that it took her six months to call me back. She told me that I should have called her for the results. I told her that I had called and never heard from her. It looks like I have another node on my thyroid. How can this poor 10% leftover thyroid produce another node? I don't understand how this is even possible. So I need to go in again to have it checked out again. If this little sucker is not being nice, we might have to cut out the leftover as well. Who needs a thyroid anyway?

I recently stumbled upon this and wanted to share it with you. I hope that they will be really quick in pushing this forward. If the success rates are as high as IVF it would be a fantastic alternative for couples dealing with infertility.

I am starting to get frustrated with the social worker before I have even met her. She still hasn't called us yet. I mean, it has been a week from the time that I dropped off the check in my lunch break. A whole week. It might not be a lot of time in her world, but in my little infertile, scared mind, it is a freaking long time. I wanted to have my first meeting with her last weekend. And now 7 days or 168 hours or 10080 minutes or 604800 seconds later I am still sitting here, staring at my cell phone and waiting for her call. On some of the blogs I read it sounds like they meet the social worker before they even do the paperwork and work parallel on the paperwork as they are proceeding with the home study and the interviews.

At least I received the information on the "Dear Birth Parents" letter and the Scrapbook. What do you write to people you have never met who might be able to give you the greatest gift of your lifetime?

The Vancouver Sun is publishing a series of articles on a couple doing IVF. I wish there would be more articles about it and more TV coverage on it so that people would be more educated about it...

We are pretty open about it and our friends know of our infertility. Most of our friends have been super supportive and I don't know what I would have done without them. But we also know people who are suffering alone. It pains me that they are trying to go through all the pain and heartbreak by themselves without sharing their tears with their friends. I don't even remember how often I have cried in front of a friend because of all this pain.

The support from this online community and my fellow bloggers has been incredible as well. Many of them have become friends in real life and I am so blessed to live in the D.C. area. The DC Stirrup Queens are a great group and I can't wait to read their news on their blogs. We laugh and cry together and we celebrate everyone of us that is getting ready to say goodbye to infertile island.

Why are some people so open about it and others want to bury their infertility deep inside for no one to see? We all need support in one way or another and it is so good to know that we are not alone in our pain. Sometimes it even helps to put my own pain in perspective. When I read about Shannon who has just lost her precious little twins Lennox and Zoe, I am at a loss of words. How can I complain and bitch about everything if I read about their struggles? How can I care whether the social worker calls today, tomorrow, or next week? I am so blessed with so many things in my life. I have a wonderful supportive husband. I don't have serious health issues. I have a job and a house. Life is not so bad after all. I only need to change my attitude and fill the glass half. And look at it that way. The glass is half full, not half empty!

I really hope that maybe one day I will be able to help someone with the pain and experiences we have been trough. Then at least it would not have been useless.

I need to move on...

I just came off the phone with the adoption agency. Of course the social worker hasn't called us yet. So I called them. I also had sent them an email which she hasn't received. She will send me the information material for our profile so that we can start working on this at least. Something needs to be moving... I hope to work on the profile and scrapbook and Dear Birth parents letter this week-end.

She was really nice and told me that she will call our social worker and tell her to get going. Because the social workers work as contractors, she can't give me their phone numbers, but the social worker should give me her phone number once she calls.

I also talked with her about my fears about not being matched before we move. She said that I should ask the agency whether they have worked with military families before. Obviously the embassy can do the post-placement visits. That would be fantastic. That would be awesome!!! Now I only hope that someone will see the opportunities for our children and not the difficulties in us moving every couple of years.

I talked to my hubby about me contacting the agency last week. He told me that if I get frustrated with something or someone, it sometimes turns into aggression. He is right about that. I hate to admit it. But that is exactly how I felt last week. I sometimes get really aggressive at things and people. I don't really do anything to them, but I get so mad inside. It is a side that I don't like at all about me.

It is a long story, but when I first came to the US, I worked at a terrible place. I had been an office chief before and had people working for me. Then I came here and started working for a micro-managing boss. It was the worst workplace ever.

That is when I started having problems with endometriosis which I had never had before. This is why I blame my former boss and his wife for part of our fertility struggles. When I had the surgery to remove the cyst in April of 2006 and another cyst in May, I realized that this was my body telling me something. That I needed to find a new job and get out of there. Which I did, but they still are on my mind quite often when I think back or when I hear from other people about them. Terrible stories about their management skills. I realized that they still have a lot of power over me if I don't stop thinking about them in that negative way. I need to forgive them to move on with my life. But it is so hard. I prayed for them last week-end. I hope to continue to do so in the future. I hope to be able to forgive them one day.

Fortunately I found a new job after nine months, where I have a great boss and nice colleagues. So this is resolved. And I fortunately have the endometriosis under control with my medication. The only thing I haven't resolved yet, is my infertility. It is on my mind day in and day out. I think about it all the time. I hope one day, I can resolve that as well and just move on with my life.

Take action now, Virginia!!!

Dear Fellow Virginia Resident,

Infertility Insurance Coverage for Virginia residents: Take Action Now!

Senator Patsy Ticer (D-30) introduced Virginia Senate Bill 631 on January 9, 2008. This legislation would require health insurers, health maintenance organizations, and corporations providing accident and sickness subscription contracts to provide coverage for the treatment of infertility.

Testimony for this bill will be heard before the Senate Labor and Commerce Committee on Monday, January 28, 2008. We need your voice! Please call and email the committee members and ask them to support SB631. If you are a constituent of one of the committee members, it is especially important that you make sure that he or she knows.

Click here to access RESOLVE's online Advocacy Alert system and send a letter to the Senators listed below immediately!

There are 7.3 million men and women that suffer from infertility in the US. More than 162,000 of those couples live in Virginia. Please help us make sure that Virginians have coverage for this disease and access to cost-effective and appropriate medical treatment. Send your letter and Take Action Now!

Thank you!
Barbara Collura
Executive Director and Resident of Virginia since 1993

Senator Richard L. Saslaw (Chair)(D) -
Senate District 35
General Assembly Building, Room 613
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7535
email: district35@sov.state.va.us

Senator Charles J. Colgan(D) - S
enate District 29
General Assembly Building, Room 317
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7537
email: district29@sov.state.va.us
10677 Aviation Lane
Manassas, Virginia 20110-2701
(703) 368-0300

Senator Yvonne B. Miller(D) -
Senate District 5
General Assembly Building, Room 315
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7505
email: district05@sov.state.va.us
P.O. Box 452
Norfolk, Virginia 23501
(757) 627-4212

Senator William C. Wampler, Jr.(R) -
Senate District 40
General Assembly Building, Room 301
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7540
email: district40@sov.state.va.us
510 Cumberland Street
Suite 308
Bristol, Virginia 24201-4387
(276) 669-7515

Senator Thomas K. Norment, Jr.(R) -
Senate District 3
General Assembly Building, Room 427
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7503
email: district03@sov.state.va.us
P.O. Box 6205
Williamsburg, Virginia 23188
(757) 259-7810

Senator Walter A. Stosch(R) -
Senate District 12
General Assembly Building, Room 621
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7512
email: district12@sov.state.va.us
nnsbrook Centre
4551 Cox Road
Suite 110
Glen Allen, Virginia 23060-6740
(804) 527-7780

Senator Kenneth W. Stolle(R) -
Senate District 8
General Assembly Building, Room 426
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7508
email: district08@sov.state.va.us2
101 Parks Avenue
Suite 700
Virginia Beach, Virginia 23451
(757) 486-5700

Senator John S. Edwards(D) -
Senate District 21
General Assembly Building, Room 309
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7521
email: district21@sov.state.va.us
P. O. Box 1179
Roanoke, Virginia 24006-1179
(540) 985-8690

Senator John C. Watkins(R) -
Senate District 10
General Assembly Building, Room 331
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7510
email: district10@sov.state.va.us
P.O. Box 159
Midlothian, Virginia 23113-0159
(804) 379-2063

Senator Frank W. Wagner(R) -
Senate District 7
General Assembly Building, Room 312
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7507
email: district07@sov.state.va.us
P.O. Box 68008
Virginia Beach, Virginia 23471
(757) 671-2250

Senator Stephen D. Newman(R) -
Senate District 23
General Assembly Building, Room 303
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7523
email: district23@sov.state.va.us
P.O. Box 480
Forest, Virginia 24551
(434) 385-1065

Senator Phillip P. Puckett(D) -
Senate District 38
General Assembly Building, Room 330
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7538
email: district38@sov.state.va.us
P.O. Box 924
Tazewell, Virginia 24651-0924
(276) 979-8181

Senator Linda T. Puller(D) -
Senate District 36
General Assembly Building, Room 328
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7536
email: district36@sov.state.va.us
P.O. Box 73
Mt. Vernon, Virginia 22121-0073
(703) 765-1150

Senator Mark R. Herring(D) -
Senate District 33
General Assembly Building, Room 322
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7533
email: district33@sov.state.va.us
P.O. Box 6246
Leesburg, Virginia 20178
(804) 730-1026

Senator A. Donald McEachin(D) -
Senate District 9
General Assembly Building, Room 318
Capitol Square
Richmond, Virginia 23219
(804) 698-7509
email: district09@sov.state.va.us
4719 Nine Mile Road
Richmond, Virginia 23223
(804) 288-3381

Another day down...

Thank you for all your comments and prayers. They mean a lot to me. Of course I haven't heard from the social worker. Maybe that was to be expected. I had hoped to be able to schedule the first meeting this week-end. I guess that is not happening.

Kathy from So these are the days of my life has asked me whether we will be moving to Venezuela permanently or for a short while. Well, it is not permanently, but not for a short while either. We will move there for three years. I know it will be difficult with the whole developments with the government. But I am also excited about being having the opportunity to live in a new country, learning a new language and being exposed to a different culture.

But what I am really terrified of is that we won't be matched before we move. I am wondering whether there is a birth mother that doesn't mind her child moving to another country. Will she see the opportunities of the child speaking three languages? I am - as you can all see from my writing - not a native English speaker and would like to speak my mother tongue to the baby. My husband of course will speak English. And we hope that it will pick up Spanish on the road by playing with other kids.

If we don't get matched before we move, I will be devastated. I don't know what happens then. I mean, we still would have our home study, but would it technically be an international adoption if we are US citizens? I am not yet, but I am working on it. I hope that we will get some clarification during the home study. This is why I am so upset with every day that is passing by unused. I want to get this home study done as fast as possible to have a profile for birth mothers to look at.

I also don't know what happens, if we haven't finalized the adoption before moving overseas. Will we still have to do the three post placement visits required by our state even if we don't live there any more? Can these visits be waived under certain circumstances? Otherwise, I guess, we will have to pay for the Social Worker's trips to South America where she can update our home study or do the post placement visits. Any legal advice out there?

I just sent the agency an email. I am sure now I made it on their most hated clients list. Maybe they can send me already the information on the "Dear Birthmother Letter" and the dreaded "Scrapbook". I have never scrapbooked in my life and have no experience with this. So I am sure it will take me longer than the experienced Scrapbooker. The Director of Domestic Programs mentioned to us at our meeting that there is a possibility to do it online. I guess that is more my kind of scrapbooking. And I still have two weeks before I am traveling and could use this time in a meaningful way.

The waiting game...

Sorry for not updating you. I ended up hand-delivering the check to the lady in the adoption agency. So I took the metro in my lunch break and walked a couple of blocks. I thought she might not appreciate my effort and that I maybe should have called to announce it. But I only wanted to drop of the check, so I figured it would only take a second. I walked in the agency and asked for my case worker. The lady at the reception told me she was on the phone. But then she slipped her a note and my case worker came out. We talked for a short time and I handed her the check. DONE. Another thing to cross of the list. I also asked her, how long it is going to take until we hear from the social worker. She said I should call her, if I haven't heard from the social worker by Tuesday. That means, we are in the waiting game - again.

It feels like I spent the last 10 years of my life waiting.

First I was waiting for the right husband. Which took a freaking long time! We finally met in July of 2003. I was 29 at that time. That is when it all started. After I was sure he was the right man for me, I was waiting. For his proposal. It happened pretty quick in June of 2004.

After our wedding in October of 2004, I was waiting for our church wedding until trying to conceive. Well, actually my husband did. We disagreed on it, but because marriage is about compromise, I was willing to wait. Then after the church wedding in July of 2005, I was waiting for conception to take place naturally. That didn't happen. Instead I got a cyst in December of 2005. Then I was waiting for the cyst to disappear by its own. Of course that didn't happen, so I was waiting for the surgery in April of 2005. After the surgery, we had decided to try to conceive on our own for a couple of months. So I was waiting again. Then I had another cyst in May of 2006. We tried to get that under control with Lupron and I waiting for my temporary menopause to be over. Then that didn't work. So I was waiting again. For my next surgery.

After the surgery in October of 2006, I was waiting for my health insurance to start in January of 2007. You guess right, that didn't happen. The insurance screwed up, so I had to wait until February 2007. Then we finally started the first IVF cycle. I had to wait for the medications to work. I had to wait for the retrieval. I had to wait for the transfer. Then I was in the two-week-wait for the result in March of 2007. When the cycle failed and we had our first bitter negative, I wanted to wait a month before starting another cycle. Then we conceived naturally and I had to wait for more blood results. When they confirmed an impending miscarriage in April 2007, I had to wait again. For the miscarriage to take place. After the miscarriage, I was waiting for another cycle to start in May 2007. When we finally were ready for that, I had to wait for more medications to work, another retrieval and transfer and for another negative after two weeks. After that, we decided to start an immediate new cycle in June of 2007. Another wait for more medications to work, another retrieval and transfer and for a low positive beta after the two week wait. Then we waited for more blood tests. And for a rising beta. Which happened first. Then we waited for another blood test and received a falling beta. So we had to wait again. For another miscarriage to take place in July of 2007.

After that, we decided to move on to adoption. So we waited. First for the information material to arrive in our mail box. Then for the information meeting to take place. Then we finally decided on an agency. Then we filled out the application in October of 2007. And we waited for the pre-adoption group to take place in December of 2007. We waited for the intake meeting at the agency. They wouldn't want to let us come in while in fertility treatment. Parallel we did a last try in assisted conception - an IUI cycle. So we waited for the medications to work again. For the IUI. Another two week wait. For nothing. Then I waited for the day three blood work to come back. With a FSH level, that indicated that we needed to wait. AGAIN.

Then we waited for the intake meeting at the agency to be scheduled. Then we waited for all our paperwork to be completed. Then for our reference letters and our FBI clearances. Then we were waiting to be matched with a social worker. And now we are waiting for her to call.

Is anybody with me here that I have done my fair share of waiting? I am Mrs. Inpatient. I want things to happen. Now. I don't want to wait until she decides she has some time to finally think about calling us. Maybe next week...

If you believe in God and you pray: Please pray for the social worker to call soon. Please pray for our baby which may be growing inside another woman's womb somewhere in this country at this moment. Please pray for his/her mother and her health. And last, but not least: Please pray for patience for me.

We finally got assigned a social worker!!!

First of all, let me tell you about our week-end. Picked up hubby on Friday with a three course candlelight dinner waiting for him. I made him put a blindfold on his eyes. He got sick in the car. Not exactly the reaction I had hoped for... I didn't tell him where we were going and drove around our neighborhood a little to distract him. He still knew for some reason that we were home. I didn't want him to see that I had finally gotten rid of our Christmas tree who had been sadly waiting to be emptied of all the Christmas ornaments and candles for a couple of week now. Hubby is always busy and never seems to have time to do it. And I was just sick of seeing the tree standing there and ended up doing it alone. I ended up asking one of our neighbors to carry the tree down our stairs for me. Which he did.

On Saturday, we sorted through some papers. I finally managed to clean out our guest bedroom/hopefully future nursery. On Sunday I went food shopping and got our mail. Hubby finished some projects in the house like putting up an ipod radio we have received from his brother and sister in law for Christmas. No, not last Christmas. Christmas of 2006!!! And yesterday we went skiing. We drove all the way to Pennsylvania for a little snow. And had a fantastic time. Skiing is the only sport where I am actually better than hubby. We didn't go skiing for the last three years, so that was a special treat, even if it was just for one day.

And today, I called the adoption agency again. I am sure I made it already on their "the most annoying clients we have ever had" list.

I haven't shared this with you yet, but last week when I called again to find out what was happening and why we were not making any progress they told me that our reference letters had to arrive first. I thought we were waiting for the FBI clearances, but it turns out that none of our reference letters had made it back to the agency yet. And before they didn't have those they couldn't assign us to a social worker. I didn't understand how this was possible as our friends had told us they were taking care of it. Great! I ended up sending an email out to all of our references and calling in addition to make sure that they understood which priority this had for us. And that they were holding up our journey to parenthood.

It seems to have worked because when I called today, the lady actually told me the name of our social worker. But we first have to mail in the check of $1500 before she can contact us. Great. I could have done this last week if they would have told me. I find it frustrating that they don't tell me this things before so that I can go ahead and do everything from our side to advance this process. I will be traveling to Europe in February for two weeks and I would like to have done as much as possible before then. I don't want to waste time. We don't have any time to waste.

And there is still this nagging fear that we won't be successful to adopt before we leave the country. It is kind of hard to explain to a birth mother why she should give us her baby if we will take it out of the country in a couple of months...

I don't know what happens then.

Wild dreams

I had this really weird dream last night. I want to share it with you. We had gone to the store and bought some small poisonous snakes. I have no glue what we wanted to do with them. Maybe it was one of hubby's projects that take forever to get finished. I only remember that we brought them home. But I didn't know where he put them at that point.

Then I was sleeping and woke up and hubby was not there, so I went to look for him. He had taken my mattress from the bad to the living room and was lying there in front of the TV. Next to him was our bathtub that he obviously had ripped out of the bath room filled with water. I don't know how he made sure the water wasn't running out as there are obviously no pipes in our living room, but after all I was dreaming. The water was cold. I don't know what attracted me to take a bath in a bathtub with cold water. But I decided to take a bath. So I went inside the bathtub. I asked hubby where he had put the snakes we had bought. He told me they were in a plastic bag inside the bathtub. He had filled the bathtub with water so they wouldn't escape. I got really made at him as it was the bathtub I was just taking a bath in. So I jumped out. I wonder why he would let me take a bath in a bathtub with cold water and the snakes that he had purchased.

When I was standing there, I saw a little scorpion come out off the water. Of course it was a poisonous one. Hubby had some shrimp cocktail on the cupboard and the scorpion went straight to the shrimp cocktail. I wanted the shrimp cocktail, too, so I took tooth picks and was shooting them to the scorpion. The scorpion shot back. Fortunately I could avoid being hit by a tooth pick. I was yelling for my husband to come and get something to catch the scorpion. It took him forever to come back, but he finally came and brought a glass which we put over the scorpion. We then released the scorpion and I woke up.

What a weird dream! Normally I can't remember my dreams, but who could forget a dream like that? I tag everybody that reads this to tell us about their latest weird dream.

A sad night and random toughts on infertility

I was really sad last night. It started with me watching this video of the song "I would die for that" that I posted below. I started sobbing. Because I realize I would die to have a child. Of course it wouldn't make much sense of me dying while giving birth to a child. Because then I wouldn't be able to experience being a Mom at all. But I would easily give 10 years of my life for the possibility of getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and giving birth to a healthy baby.

When I went to bed a read a little in the bible and come across the paragraph "Put your faith in me". I have faith in God. But it is so hard to have faith and not knowing whether it will pay off. What if I decide to wait for the Lord to help us. And he doesn't. I am scared to have that kind of faith and I am struggling with this. I also read a little from the book "Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart In The Midst Of Infertility". It is a great book for everyone that believes in God and deals with infertility as well as their family members.

I found out this week that a school friend of mine is having her second baby. The first one was born in May 2006 and their newest addition to the family is being born the same month, just exactly two years later. I was o.k. with her telling me, because I had assumed that she was pregnant when we saw her in September. She looked pregnant to me and was not drinking any alcohol. But I thought it was probably early and they didn't want to tell anyone.

I am still amazed how people can just get pregnant so easily. For all of us infertile sisters, there is so much ART involved in it. Measuring temperatures, having sex at exactly the right time, endless blood tests, ultrasounds, injections, retrievals, IUIs, transfers, medication, etc. Outsourced reproduction basically.

Sometimes I wonder how people actually get pregnant at all. I mean, the right sperm needs to find the perfect egg at the right time after a long and difficult road. The sperm needs to break the shelve of the egg, it needs to fertilize it. The zygote than needs to travel all the way to the uterus. It needs to implant. And then it needs to grow into a healthy little baby for 9 months. This all combined sounds like a lot of effort.

And still it happens so easily for some people. I have to admit that when I think about it, I see a side of me that I don't like. I envy those people. Sometimes I feel like they are living the life I was supposed to be living. I never thought it was going to be so difficult for us. I envy the people that are not really trying and get pregnant. I wish I could be those people. Infertility has taken that all away from us.

I would die for that!

This song describes beautifully and exactly the pain of infertility. I am sitting here sobbing while I am listening to it.

I confess: I dated bad guys!!!

I am really early in the office this morning. I had to drop hubby off for an early morning ride to New York City where he will spend the next two days on a business trip. So I am home alone. I hate being home alone. The house feels different without him.

I miss waking up next to him in the morning. I miss seeing him get dressed. I miss kissing him goodbye in the morning. I miss waiting for him in the evenings. I miss kissing him when he comes home. I miss spending time with him. I miss talking to him. I miss having dinner with him. I miss watching TV with him, cuddled up next to his shoulder. I also miss kissing him goodnight. I even miss his snoring during the night.

He is my longest relationship. We have been together that I can't even think back to those pre-hubby single days. I never enjoyed being single. I always wanted to be with the person that was destined to be with me. And I have been trough a lot of trial and errors and kissed many frogs, before I met my prince. It took a really long time until he came along.

I had a history of dating men that were not good for me. Most of them didn't really love me. And I tried really hard to make them fall in love with me. But of course, that didn't really work. The few men that did actually love me, I didn't treat very good. The less someone was interested in me, the more I wanted him to like me. It was a strange thing and I didn't realize what I was doing to myself for a very long time. And had one crazy relationship after the other.

In 2001 I had met this guy at a ball. He was 39 at that time and had never lived with someone. We started a long-distance relationship and traveled back and forth. He was very particular. He loved his apartment and was a complete germophobic. I did the dishes one day and wasn't allowed to dry my hands on the dish towel that I had just used. Because my germs could stick to the towel.

He had a particular way to shake out his comforters. Of course I didn't do it right. He didn't have a toilet brush in his bathroom, so whenever I needed to use one, I had to go into his storage room to get it.

He had this job in a bank where he wouldn't go before noon. He didn't have anyone to report to. When he went to work, he usually had had his first beer already.

And he was cheap. He earned four times my salary, but wanted us to split all expenses even. And did I mention that he thought I was too fat? I am 5'10'' and weighed 136 pounds at that time.

When my dad had cancer he was more concerned about getting his Xmas present at Xmas than about how my dad or I were doing...

And I? I had a very low self-esteem and dated him for more than a year. I was 28 at that time and thought I'll never find someone. When I finally after another episode of him being creepy found the courage to break up with him. I swore myself that I didn't want to be with someone any more that didn't really love me.

And a couple of months later, I met my hubby. And he has shown me his interest in me from the beginning. I was first very hesitating. This felt different from everything I had ever experienced before. And it took me a while to understand that he was the best thing that could have happened to me. I nearly screwed it up. But I am so glad that in the end, I realized that he was the one for me. And while I usually fell for someone and my feelings would decrease after a while. With him, it is the opposite. Since I met him my feelings for him grow every day. And I can't imagine my life without him.

Annie was 51 with her first child...

We had a pretty busy week-end. On Friday night we went out for a crab dinner with some friends. It's been really nice. On Saturday I finished the weekly wash load and worked on some projects around the house. And I made a really nice lemon-banana cake. Saturday night we went out to a birthday dinner for one of our friends. They asked us for the address of our adoption agency. They are our references. I had thought they had long sent back the letter, but they obviously lost it during moving. Hopefully they will get to it this week.

The adoption agency called me back after I had tried reaching them last week. They said I should call back this week, so I plan on calling them tomorrow again.

On Sunday I went shopping and to the Annie Leibovitz exhibit in the Corcoran Gallery in D.C. It was the last day and they were sold out, but I was so fortunate to receive entrance because I had reserved a ticket online. There was a really long queue, when I first arrived. I had to wait about 30 minutes to get in.

It was very impressive. She is such a great photographer. While she is famous for her celebrity pictures, she also documented some private moments like the death of her girl-friend Susan Sonntag or her father. She also took pictures of the birth of her twins and her adorable older daughter. I read that she had her first child with 51 years. Well, I guess that must have been a donor egg/donor sperm or donor embryo thing. I am impressed that she would still try to have a child at that age. She later had her twins born to a surrogate mother.

Hubbie raised the question of the difference between a surrogate mother and adoption. The only difference seems to be that she paid for the eggs, the sperm, and the surrogate and basically new when it would happen. It was her timing. With adoption she would have tried to locate a pregnant birth mother. I am sure there are a lot of birth mothers out there, who would love to give their child to Annie Leibovitz. But the timing would have been left to God. Like in our case. I am terrified it won't work out before we go overseas. I am terrified of it actually working out. Am I prepared to be a mom?

We got great news!

No, unfortunately not us. The stork has found some of our friends, again.

I have this one friend that had called me to make sure I was one of the first people she told that she was pregnant. She has been very sensitive towards me about her pregnancy. She send me this very thoughtful email this week. Her SIL wants to organize a baby shower for her. She would really like to have me there, but she understands if I decide that I don't want to be there. She is such a sweetheart. I was so happy to get her email. The fact that she thought about it, made me love her even more. So I have decided to break my "Baby Shower Ban" and actually go to hers.

I can’t believe how insensitive some people are on the other hand. This other friend of ours I wrote about recently in another post. She had called me after one of our friends gave birth to her fourth child and was asking whether I had her number and whether I new when she was coming home to go on and on about how she gave birth to her daughter. She wouldn’t stop any more.

At that point I wondered whether she didn’t understand what I was going through. She had a miscarriage at 12 weeks herself a couple of years ago before she gave birth to her beautiful daughter. I remember that at that point her husband told us and asked us not to talk about babies with her. And we respected that.

Last summer she had asked me at a happy hour “So, when are you guys getting ready to get pregnant?” That was about a month after my last miscarriage. I had told her that we were having a hard time and about the miscarriages.

And yesterday, her and her husband took us aside at a happy hour. They wanted to tell us “something”. I knew what was coming. So I said: “Let me guess. You are pregnant.” But little did I know that they would reply: “Yes, but with twins!” This is super exciting and I am thrilled for them, but I wish they would have picked better timing. At this moment I could barely hold it together. Why can other people have their second and third child while we can’t have even one?

On our way home I started crying. Will this pain ever go away whenever someone tells me they are pregnant?

Don’t fall for Adoption Scammers

Nicole Kidman is pregnant. I am really happy for her. She had a hard time. First she had a miscarriage and an ectopic while she was married to Tom Cruise (as if that wasn’t enough pain for her). And then she ends up marrying a person that has an alcohol addiction. She really has been through enough. I hope that everything goes well with this pregnancy.

I haven’t heart from the adoption agency yet. Instead I have received another email from an obvious scammer. I have been meaning to write this post for a while. But have put it off. But now that I have received another email from an adoption scammer, I have decided to share the story. She writes these heart-wrenching emails. Look at this one:

Dear Yoka
it is rather unfortunate or may I say fate brought me back to you. I found out from the othere family that they will be transfering will not be adopting my babay. So they were scared to tell me for fear to break my poor heart. But i told them that i have already gone through a lot that i am no more heart breaking. Well before we start, let me tell youa litle about us. I am single mother to my son whose father we don't know his whereabouts from the day i told him i was 3 months pregnant for him. We met at our Ministry's Convention in Atlanta, Georgia US for one month (since i attended from the UK) and he promised me everything i could have in a husband and a father of my children. It is quite disturbing explaining all these since i have been disturbed all along, but i must tell you since i have already made up my mind to adopt little P. regarding my present situation ok.
I have attached pictures of me and Payton in the mail, i hope you like him since he is a wonderful boy and it has taken me over 4 months to finally come up with the decision to let him have the opportunity other kids have for a happy and loving family ok. As for the type of adoption, well i will want the most preferable for us since i will only like to request that i may have the opportunity to get to see him later on in the future and receive pictures and letters frequently ok.
I returned home (UK) after the convention before realizing that i was 2 months pregnant. But me and his dad kept constant communication after that, but i was always afraid to inform him i was pregnant for him. It was a month later after i had thought for a while and summoned courage before i informed him we were to have a baby. He was very mad at me and demanded we have an abortion. I am pro-life and did not see it that way. I told him we were made for each other as he has been telling me from the start and it would have been better for us to get married and start a life; but after that very telephone call, i haven't heard or read from him again. i don't know anything about his family, friends and relations since he was alone at the convention.
After my family discovered i was pregnant and could not tell the father of my dad or his whereabouts, everybody became furious at me and that's where the most difficult part of my life and my son's began. I was being treated like an alien in the family and nobody will help me out in anything since my dad said i had brought the family name to shame by bringing a bastard to the family. I took everything in without complaining and thanks to our neighbors and church members, i finally had clothes, and a few necessities i needed for the baby's delivery.
This made me to be stressed up throughout this year 2007 and really sad since my dad was not at the hospital and he never looks at the baby in the house. I had to make a decision since i was going nuts and thanks to my congregation, they finally advised me to come over for Voluntary missionary work in Central Africa, where i can have some peace and have time for myself to think over what i really want in life. So me and my son finally came over when he was 4months 3wks old to Central Africa.
It has been nice and quiet here for us, but it is also hell for P. since the climates here does not favor him and we can hardly feed ourselves from the allowances given to us every month. To add to it, I am not at my best as far as health conditions are concerned. I am in and out of the hospital ALL of the time and I don’t want my child to have to be in the care of someone else here when I’m in the hospital. This is what has made me to finally give him the chance to have a better life and a happy family since, no matter how hard we have tried or how nice we have tried to be, my family will not accept him ok.
Please i hope you can respond to my mail since we are presently hoping and praying Payton gets to have the opportunity i have been wanting for my baby.
thank you very much and i will be looking forward to reading from you soon.

XXX

Aren’t you close to tears yet? Well, I guess the other 5.000 people that got her email were, too. I run her through some adoption forums and found out:

She lives in Cameroon and is one of the scammers that are after our money. First they need some money for vaccinations in order to get the visa. Then they need the money for the flights, attorney costs, visa, etc. These people even fabricate wrong attorneys with yahoo.com email addresses who write you in terrible English…

It is not the first time this has happened to me. But I am not taking them serious anyway. Other people have lost thousands of dollars through them…

I find it outrageous how people are trying to profit of our pain. Don’t you think we have been through enough? The pain of being unable to conceive a child like 90% of the population, the pain of countless procedures to test your and your partner’s fertility, the amount of money and hope you invest in infertility treatments, the pain when they fail, and fail, and fail. Nobody that hasn’t experienced it, can imagine the pain and grief of not being able to have a biological child.

The new hope you gain when you decide to pursue adoption. You might be able to actually be a mom to a child. You might be able to see your partner hold a baby. It might not have your nose, your eyes, or your smile. It might have another color of skin. It is not a product of making love to each other. It didn’t grow in your body. Instead it grew in your heart. And you can’t wait to meet this child, to hold it in your arms.

But how can you find it? A lot of people have profiles online to attract birth mothers. There are internet forums where you are supposed to find birth mothers. But it doesn’t work. Instead you receive email from scammers. They don’t have babies. The only thing they do is selling their soul. And they are very good at doing it.

What to expect when you are not expecting...

I love the title of this blog. I always dreamed about buying the book "what to expect when you are expecting" once I had my positive pregnancy test, but it doesn't look like I will really need it. In a kind of superstitious way, I didn't want to buy it because I first wanted to be pregnant. Well, I guess I saved those dollars.

On Friday night, I went to a happy hour and met the colleague of my husband whom I had met at my RE's office. She first seemed to avoid me like I seemed to avoid her. I still feel awkward that I have shared so much with her, when I told her about our struggles and she blew me off by telling me that she has a lot of work in the office. When she asked me later how I was I told her "Just fine!" and didn't take the conversation any further. It is strange. I would hope for the support from people in real life that are going through the same struggles like we are.

But the most support for our struggles I get from the online community. Yesterday was the meeting of the D.C. Stirrup Queens with Lori. It was my first meeting with this group. I first felt strange to go there, because I didn't know anybody. I really thought the most embarrassing thing that could happen would be, if I ended up asking random strangers whether they are the infertiles. But it turned out that wasn't necessary. I immediately found the right people. Everybody was great and it was fantastic encounter. I look forward to seeing these ladies again and to keeping in touch with them.

Isn't it weird that if you struggle with infertility you end up getting more support from strangers that you have never met while the people you would normally turn to for support don't know how to deal with you (especially if they have children)?

On a different note: last Saturday we went out for dinner with some friends and their lovely two year old. She seems to adore me and wanted me to take her around the restaurant while she was terrified of dh. It was a great feeling to feel her little hand in mine and walk around the restaurant. It was a little glimpse of what my life might be in the future. I can't wait for this to happen.

Last Friday when I went home from work I saw Homer sitting on his usual bench. He looked great. I told him that I had missed him and how I had tried to track him down to visit him. He told me he had been in 5 different hospitals as they couldn't find out what was wrong with him. He has high blood pressure, but doesn't want to take the medication. I asked him about his age and it turns out he is 80 (!). I couldn't believe it as he looks so much younger. He is going to a home less shelter at night. Thanks god. It was way to cold last week to spend the nights outside. I was so glad to see him. I really had been concerned that he might have died. I am happy he is alive.

Electrical shocks for me

The post title might sound a little awkward. But this is what I received yesterday. I went in for my usual appointment with my acupuncturist. I have been seeing her for over a year now and I am really happy with her. Especially because she has given me the Chinese wonder medicine against endometriosis.

Most of the times, I am laying there, waiting for her to come in and fall half asleep before she comes in. Usually she comes in, asks about how I am doing and about any updates. Then she measures my pulse on both sides and wants to see my tongue. She then asks whether I am feeling hot. Then she uses some disinfectant and starts to set the needles. First in my head and ears and then on my belly and legs. Then her helper comes in and pins the needles a little. I guess this is to stimulate the points where the needles are sticking. It usually doesn't really hurt. She leaves the room and I don't get to see her any more. Her helper comes in about every 10 minutes to pin the needles. After about 30 minutes, he comes back in takes the needles out and then I am free to go. I usually fall asleep during the procedure. Afterwards I feel completely relaxed.

Yesterday she suggested using electrical stimulation for the needles. It was first awkward to think about the idea of having little electro shocks. But she said, it is more effective than the needle pinching. Well, if that is the case. Bring it on!!!

Afterwards I had to turn around and she focused on my kidneys. I never had to turn around before. She set some needles for just 3 minutes. And then I was done. I wonder why she is changing her technique now. As long as it helps me, I don't mind. Anyone out there who has experiences with acupuncture? What does your acupuncturist usually do? Do they use electrical stimulating?

We just changed our health insurance to one that pays 24 treatments a year. I have been paying the acupuncture myself for the last year. Which was quite a lot. I just did a quick calculation. I went there every two weeks for about 6 months, plus during our IVFs every week for another 6 months. I guess, I have paid about $1600 to 2000 for this little luxury. Plus the costs for the herbs. But it has helped me overcome the endometriosis. And it was all worth it. Even if I didn't get a sustainable pregnancy out of this.

When I did the acupuncture while doing IVF simultaneously, we had 6 eggs to start with after the IVF retrieval. When I didn't have time to go there regularly while we did our third round of IVF, we only got 3 although we were stimulating at a much higher dose. I guess that says it all.

I am meeting the D.C. Stirrup Queens and Lori this week-end and am very excited to meet people that I have never met in person, but which have supported me more than some of my friends IRL. Have a great weekend.

The loss of a biological child

I just called the adoption agency. They have all our paperwork except the guardianship agreement and the driving record which should be in the mail today. Our caseworker has sent out the clearances last week and they usually take 4 weeks to come back.

They also mailed out the reference letters to our friends. I already received an email from one of our friends that they had received the letter from the agency and will draft something.

Then they will assign us a social worker to complete our home study. Once we have been assigned the social worker, the process takes usually 4-6 weeks, but it can go even faster. At this point it can't go fast enough for us.

While I realize that we might end up having an adopted child, it means also that we might never have biological children. We haven't really completely given up hope yet. But I am not getting any younger and I will be turning 34 this year. It would be a big surprise if we would actually end up having a biological child.

I have nearly given up the dream of conceiving naturally in bed like so many of our friends. I have learned to live with the fact that whether we have biological children or not might be determined by our finances. Our only chance of having biological children might be IVF to maximize our chances. And we don't have the resources to continue pursuing fertility treatments every month. My high FSH level is another reason that makes it less likely to happen. My body doesn't seem to want to cooperate with our dreams.

Since I was a little girl, I dreamed about having a family with children. I was looking forward to seeing that positive pregnancy test on the bathroom counter. I was wondering how I would tell my husband that we are expecting a baby. And my parents. I was looking forward to feeling a baby grow inside me. I was looking forward to the first ultrasound. I was looking forward to the first time I could feel our baby move inside me. My husband has this beautiful smile and I always was looking forward to seeing that smile in our children. I was wondering which traits they might have from whom of us. I might never experience this.

It also means the end of the genealogical line of our family which is particularly hard for my parents. While they will be thrilled to have finally a grandchild, they will have to realize that their gens won't be given to the next generation.

Our children will have different parents that will be connected to our family forever. Another woman will experience the first ultrasound and the first movements of our baby. And I won't be there for the first ultrasound. I won't feel it kicking. And I won't be able to protect our child for the first nine months before it is born.

I am grieving for that loss. And I understand it is a normal process. But it still hurts like hell.

Happy new Year!

Happy new year to all of you!!! It seems like I have been MIA for quite a while, but we were pretty busy the last week, so I decided to take a break from blogging. But now I am back.

First thing, I want to share, is that my SIL and I finally talked. It turns out there were several misunderstandings on both sides. We made up and I had a great time hanging out with her and our super cute little nephew. We went shopping a lot and went for nice walks. Christmas was really nice. It was pretty special to be able to witness our nephew's first Christmas and everybody was standing around him like paparazzis with cameras while he was sitting under the Christmas tree surrounded by tons of presents. But for him it was the best thing to take his Christmas present and chew on the wrapping paper. Priceless! We also had tons of fantastic food and went out for dinner a lot. The only sad thing was that my FIL found out on Christmas eve that his SIL was not doing very well. She had been fighting cancer for several years and last summer had decided to stop chemotherapy.

My dear hubbi gave me a trip to Charlottesville for Christmas, which was really nice of him. I like this kind of surprises. We left last Friday and drove through the middle of nowhere to get there. We stayed in a nice four star hotel (I didn't bring my bathing suit unfortunately - they had a pool) and on Saturday we went to see Monticello where Jefferson had his home. It was so interesting to learn more about that part of American history. On Saturday night we went ice-skating on the skating ring just outside our hotel. It was actually my first time. I had been rollerblading before, so it was a little easier on me. And it turned out to be lots of fun.

On Sunday we drove back through the Shenandoah National Park. Unfortunately the weather was rainy and foggy and we didn't get to see a lot. But we saw deer grazing on the side of the road and we took some nice pictures of them.

Yesterday I picked up the guardianship agreement from the mail, bought screws at the Home Depot, took our dirty shirts to the laundry and finished some projects around the house. I also repaired our broken kitchen cabinet door. And last night we went out with friends to the Melting Pot. It is one of my favorite restaurants. One friend from Europe that I hadn't seen for two and a half years was visiting his girl-friend here and it was so nice to catch up with him. I worked with him before and he is such a funny guy. I really miss working with him and we laughed a lot.

We went for a walk today and I asked dh whether he wanted to buy any furniture or equipment before we have a referral. We both agree that we don't feel comfortable doing so without having a referral. We agreed that we would put in our home study that we would be willing to adopt one or two children. Twins would be great. We won't know what equipment to buy before we have more information on the baby or babies. We decided that we will just run out to Target once we have a referral. It is starting to think in. 2008 might be the year when we will become parents. Wow!!!

Dh finished his biography and sent it to the agency today. Tomorrow we'll mail the rest of our paper work. And then we'll have to wait. And wait. And wait... Have I told you that patience doesn't belong amongst my best traits?