I have been quite busy lately and therefore rather quiet. But this is more due to not really having lots to share.
It seems like everyone around me is pregnant right now. It first started with a neighbor #1 M. She told us last summer that she was expecting baby #2 (#1 is 3 years old). In the meantime #2 was born in January. Then my former neighbor #2 A. whom I was very close to moved away and found out she is expecting #2 (number one is 21 months old).
After our IVF #4 (!) failed, another friend told me she was expecting (#1, which was born a couple days ago 5 weeks early). She didn't want to tell me while we were in the process. A couple of days later, my other neighbor #3 M. (we all live in the same building) told me she was expecting. It made it particularly hard because she must have conceived around the time we were doing IVF. So as her belly is growing I am always reminded of how long it has been since we had to bury our hopes - once again. Are you still with me? I am at 4 pregnant friends.
Let's talk about the office I am working in. There are usually 4 people working in that office. One lady got pregnant last September with baby #2 and left the job early in December. So they hired a new person for her spot. Another person that had one of the jobs also left in December, so they had to hire a new person for that spot as well. Both of the new people they have hired, are pregnant with their first. One has now left to have the baby. Today the third person in the office told me, she's pregnant, also with her first. You can probably guess that I am the fourth person. The un-pregnant one. If you have counted with me, we are now at 8 (!) pregnant friends/coworkers.
In the last three weeks, two male co-workers (from a different office) have shared the news that their wives are pregnant, too. All with their second baby (both first babies aren't even 18 months old yet).
Add to that another friend from Europe telling me, she's pregnant with her third (after a miscarriage last year). And we are at 11 pregnant ladies/people.
Last week, I found out from a very close friend that she's pregnant with her first or her first two. I am super happy for her, as she's been wanting it for a long time and they had to do IVF to actually get pregnant. Why is it so much easier to be happier for people that have struggled harder?
I am surrounded by 12 pregnant women. I am the un-pregnant one.
My biggest concern as we move forward with this DE cycle (I am taking Lupron and the whole vitamins already and will have to take Heparine further down the line) is: where does that leave me? For so many pregnant ladies, doesn't there have to be one infertile one that can't get pregnant no matter what? The person that is on the wrong side of statistics? Aren't I that person? Why is it so hard to trust that my body for once would be able to do what it is supposed to?
Recently while talking with dh, he said something about me possibly giving birth next year. I told him that we shouldn't base our planning on it. Because we have tried to do it in the past and it never worked. I was and am always the un-pregnant one. The one whose IVF cycles didn't work the first time. Or the second like so many of my friend's cycles. Not even the third or the fourth. I stayed the un-pregnant one.
DE will be our last hope of having a biological child (even though not genetically related). I am willing to try it once, do a FET with whatever we have left and then we are done. Then we just have to accept that it's not meant to be. And once again, I'll be the un-pregnant one in a sea of swelling bellies.
If it works, I would be thrilled. Maybe all I need are some eggs, of a 28 year old and my body remembers what it was created for. But I am so scared to even think in that possibility, because I don't want to get my hopes up...
And while I absolutely know how blessed I am to have a wonderful child which I would have never had, if we wouldn't have gone through all the struggles of infertility, I sometimes wish that God could take away the pain. The pain of never having genetically related children. The pain of having to go through so many hurdles in building our family. The fact that finances will determine the size and timing of our family. But it's in his hand. I have to trust him and let go of control. It's just so hard.
