I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise to me that my FSH level is at 13.6. I probably should be thankful that it isn't higher. We don't know what this will mean for the future. I have to say that right now I am leaning towards trying donor eggs. Why bother to use my own eggs, if the result is most likely to be negative? If we try with my eggs first and have another negative, I don't know whether I can go through all of this again. We don't really have the funds to fund another round of multiple IVFs. We are still paying back for our adoption. It is just so frustrating that creating our family has become such a question of money. At least we hopefully will be able to use the adoption tax credit (which is refundable for the first time this year) to pay back some of our debt.
Of course, it would be nice to have a genetic relation to at least one of our children (my hubby still could have that), but it doesn't seem to make a difference in Lilli's case. I love her and she is my daughter. People always recognize that I didn't give birth to her and we knew that this would happen.
But you won't believe what kind of comments people here make all the time: "Is this your child?" Me: "Yes, this is my daughter!" "But how is this possible?" or my favorite "Why is she so dark and you so white?" I recently actually used the "Why do you want to know?" answer when a national guard woman at the airport asked me that question. Her response: "Because she is so beautiful!" didn't really make it better... Well, I guess, nobody ever sees an ugly white woman with a beautiful black child around here...
Or the triangle look how I call it. When we walk with Lilli and she is sitting in her stroller, people are looking at her, then at the person pushing the stroller (usually me or hubby), then at the person walking next to them. Next thing you see: the question marks in their eyes. Priceless!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
My dusty and rusty ovaries!
Sorry for the long abstinence. I just didn't have anything to say that I thought you might find interesting. I have mentioned here before that we were thinking about #2. I was doing more research on adoption, but it is difficult while we are overseas and we can't adopt here. Therefore we have decided to move forward with fertility treatments again.
Back on the roller coaster you could say. A friend of ours had recommended this clinic here to me that is supposedly one of the bests in the country. I thought "why not give it a try" and had finally scheduled an appointment.
Yesterday we went to this appointment. We didn't know where we were supposed to go and were running around for a while (being kicked out of an elevator once because a patient had to be transported - a weird thing that visitors and patients are transported on the same elevators) and finally found the place. It was like at the meat counter, we took a number for our doctor and then the waiting game began. We were waiting, and waiting, and waiting. After an hour no number had moved forward. I went to the reception to inquire and they told us that people had returned with numbers before ours and they had given them the time. So more waiting. Finally after about 3 hours of waiting they took us to an office. Then we had to wait again. Then we answered some questions. And waited again. Then they took us to an examination room. I had to take off (all) my clothes and put on some hospital gown. Then we were waiting again.
The doctor finally came and we talked for a while. After hearing our history, she feels we should do another IVF. But: and this is the important part. First she wants us to do tons of bloodtests. She said that because of my history there seems to be an immmunological problem with implantation and she wants to find out more about what is going on. There are two doctors that are only working on immunological issues in this clinic. She first wants me me to do the tests and then see one of the doctors to evaluate and then have another appointment with her (probably in August).
When she then looked at my ovaries (AF had arrived right before we left for the doctor - thank you very much!), she couldn't find one and the other one had only one follicle there. Not good indicators of what is to come. Why are those dusty and rusty ovaries not looking better?
I can only wonder how high my FSH level is going to be... She also said that in addition to all my female part problems (the uterus is tilted and the ovaries are somewhere completely deplaced) I now have in addition advanced maternal age. I am 36! But hey: 5 years ago, I didn't have that and I didn't get pregnant either. We'll see how it goes. Maybe they'll recommend donor eggs. I am on board if that helps us to get pregnant and give Lilli a sibling - or two.
I have always suspected that there could be an implantation problem, but am really excited that there is a doctor that actually wants to find out more about it. While researching I found an interesting article on this:
Is there anyone out there that has used Prednisone or IVIG and has had successful results with IVF after having miscarriages and/or failed IVFs before? I'd love to hear from you. Everyone else: I am still following your blogs and am happy for Sew Infertile and Cats with passports and We are what we repeatedly do for having made it to the other side! Congratulations to all of you!
Back on the roller coaster you could say. A friend of ours had recommended this clinic here to me that is supposedly one of the bests in the country. I thought "why not give it a try" and had finally scheduled an appointment.
Yesterday we went to this appointment. We didn't know where we were supposed to go and were running around for a while (being kicked out of an elevator once because a patient had to be transported - a weird thing that visitors and patients are transported on the same elevators) and finally found the place. It was like at the meat counter, we took a number for our doctor and then the waiting game began. We were waiting, and waiting, and waiting. After an hour no number had moved forward. I went to the reception to inquire and they told us that people had returned with numbers before ours and they had given them the time. So more waiting. Finally after about 3 hours of waiting they took us to an office. Then we had to wait again. Then we answered some questions. And waited again. Then they took us to an examination room. I had to take off (all) my clothes and put on some hospital gown. Then we were waiting again.
The doctor finally came and we talked for a while. After hearing our history, she feels we should do another IVF. But: and this is the important part. First she wants us to do tons of bloodtests. She said that because of my history there seems to be an immmunological problem with implantation and she wants to find out more about what is going on. There are two doctors that are only working on immunological issues in this clinic. She first wants me me to do the tests and then see one of the doctors to evaluate and then have another appointment with her (probably in August).
When she then looked at my ovaries (AF had arrived right before we left for the doctor - thank you very much!), she couldn't find one and the other one had only one follicle there. Not good indicators of what is to come. Why are those dusty and rusty ovaries not looking better?
I can only wonder how high my FSH level is going to be... She also said that in addition to all my female part problems (the uterus is tilted and the ovaries are somewhere completely deplaced) I now have in addition advanced maternal age. I am 36! But hey: 5 years ago, I didn't have that and I didn't get pregnant either. We'll see how it goes. Maybe they'll recommend donor eggs. I am on board if that helps us to get pregnant and give Lilli a sibling - or two.
I have always suspected that there could be an implantation problem, but am really excited that there is a doctor that actually wants to find out more about it. While researching I found an interesting article on this:
Is there anyone out there that has used Prednisone or IVIG and has had successful results with IVF after having miscarriages and/or failed IVFs before? I'd love to hear from you. Everyone else: I am still following your blogs and am happy for Sew Infertile and Cats with passports and We are what we repeatedly do for having made it to the other side! Congratulations to all of you!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Hospital troubles
We have been fighting with the hospital and the insurance to get part of Lilli's birth expenses reimbursed. Before she was born I called the insurance to find out what they would cover. They told me they didn't cover the birth but they would cover everything for the baby. So far so good.
Of course when she was born, she wasn't on our health insurance yet, so we had to pay the total amount. It took us a while to get her on and when she was, I requested the itemized bill from the hospital. They send me a bill, but it didn't even have a name or address of the hospital on it. I could have just written it myself. I forwarded it to the insurance and they refused to pay it because their was no information of the hospital on it. We received the refusal when we had just moved out of our house in October of 2008. At that time we didn't have access to a printer any more. Therefore I let it go for a couple of months. Last year, I requested several times an itemized bill. The third time, it finally had a stamp of the hospital on it. I forwarded it to the insurance and called and followed up every single step. It turns out that I had to sent it to the insurance in her birth state, not our home state. The insurance lady there was super helpful and I thought we finally had sorted it out.
In December of last year they told me that they were going to reimburse the hospital for the birth. I didn't understand why they didn't reimburse us directly, but there was the insurance allowance and the hospitals real bill, etc., so I didn't question it. They also had talked to the hospital and the hospital told them that they were going to reimburse us for our expenses. So far, so good. They told us it was going to take a couple of weeks, so I waited. And waited. Because we are overseas, we receive our mail only every couple of weeks... Finally two days ago, I decided to follow up again. I called the insurance, they connected me with the hospital and it turns out that they have sent the check on December 22nd. To the address that they had on file for the baby's the birthmom. You got to be kidding me? She cashed the check
We paid the bill and they have our information on file. It has never happened before, etc. They have now sent a letter to the birthmom requesting the money back. I don't assume that she will send it bProxy-Connection: keep-alive
Cache-Control: max-age=0
k. I can't blame her. If you are constantly strained for money, you probably don't question if you receive a check with your name on it. You thank God and cash it. It will now take another couple of weeks until there will be a solution. The sad thing is that it makes me feel different about her birthmom. And I don't want Lilli to notice.
Of course when she was born, she wasn't on our health insurance yet, so we had to pay the total amount. It took us a while to get her on and when she was, I requested the itemized bill from the hospital. They send me a bill, but it didn't even have a name or address of the hospital on it. I could have just written it myself. I forwarded it to the insurance and they refused to pay it because their was no information of the hospital on it. We received the refusal when we had just moved out of our house in October of 2008. At that time we didn't have access to a printer any more. Therefore I let it go for a couple of months. Last year, I requested several times an itemized bill. The third time, it finally had a stamp of the hospital on it. I forwarded it to the insurance and called and followed up every single step. It turns out that I had to sent it to the insurance in her birth state, not our home state. The insurance lady there was super helpful and I thought we finally had sorted it out.
In December of last year they told me that they were going to reimburse the hospital for the birth. I didn't understand why they didn't reimburse us directly, but there was the insurance allowance and the hospitals real bill, etc., so I didn't question it. They also had talked to the hospital and the hospital told them that they were going to reimburse us for our expenses. So far, so good. They told us it was going to take a couple of weeks, so I waited. And waited. Because we are overseas, we receive our mail only every couple of weeks... Finally two days ago, I decided to follow up again. I called the insurance, they connected me with the hospital and it turns out that they have sent the check on December 22nd. To the address that they had on file for the baby's the birthmom. You got to be kidding me? She cashed the check
We paid the bill and they have our information on file. It has never happened before, etc. They have now sent a letter to the birthmom requesting the money back. I don't assume that she will send it bProxy-Connection: keep-alive
Cache-Control: max-age=0
k. I can't blame her. If you are constantly strained for money, you probably don't question if you receive a check with your name on it. You thank God and cash it. It will now take another couple of weeks until there will be a solution. The sad thing is that it makes me feel different about her birthmom. And I don't want Lilli to notice.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
The house is so quiet
Happy new Year to all of you. I just got back from dropping Lilli off at daycare for the first time. We had decided that she needs more interaction with other kids and additional stimulation. She is such a smart cookie. She has a vocabulary of way more than 100 words and is now using more and more verbs in all three language. She is not yet putting words together, but I assume that this is just a matter of time. She is now attending a Montessori daycare twice a week for the beginning. When I just got home the house was so quiet and you can tell that the spirit and laughter of our little girl is clearly missing. I can't wait to pick her up and bring her home...
Around new year she had a mosquito bite below her eye. Through her dark pigmentation it takes forever for mosquito bites to go away and I can still see some darker spots from bites she had back in September. We are trying to protect her as good as possible, but there is only so much you can do when you live in the tropes. I put some after-bite on to avoid her scratching it and to help it healing faster. The bite got bigger and caused swelling below her eye. That is my theory. My dear husband would tell you she probably fell and hit her eye. But none of us remember her crying and falling around that time. Well, the eye turned black and is still a little black. It takes a long time for skin conditions to heal on her dark skin.
Last Sunday we spent at the house of some friends. They had invited a group of friends to taste some Greek food that they had brought back from Greece. They had also invited Lilli's friend B. B and Lilli clearly love each other. They like to hug each other and give each other kisses. While they were hugging, they fell. B. fortunately wasn't hurt, but Lilli fell with her head against the corner of a sideboard. Her lip was bleeding, her eye has several big scratches. Did I mention that this is the opposite eye. So now she has bruising on both of her eyes and scratches on one eye. My poor little girl looks like she has been in a serious fight. I hope it will heal fast and she will be spared from bruises and scratches and bleeding for a while.
Around new year she had a mosquito bite below her eye. Through her dark pigmentation it takes forever for mosquito bites to go away and I can still see some darker spots from bites she had back in September. We are trying to protect her as good as possible, but there is only so much you can do when you live in the tropes. I put some after-bite on to avoid her scratching it and to help it healing faster. The bite got bigger and caused swelling below her eye. That is my theory. My dear husband would tell you she probably fell and hit her eye. But none of us remember her crying and falling around that time. Well, the eye turned black and is still a little black. It takes a long time for skin conditions to heal on her dark skin.
Last Sunday we spent at the house of some friends. They had invited a group of friends to taste some Greek food that they had brought back from Greece. They had also invited Lilli's friend B. B and Lilli clearly love each other. They like to hug each other and give each other kisses. While they were hugging, they fell. B. fortunately wasn't hurt, but Lilli fell with her head against the corner of a sideboard. Her lip was bleeding, her eye has several big scratches. Did I mention that this is the opposite eye. So now she has bruising on both of her eyes and scratches on one eye. My poor little girl looks like she has been in a serious fight. I hope it will heal fast and she will be spared from bruises and scratches and bleeding for a while.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
That could so easily have been us
I have never mentioned it here, but driving here is an experience for itself. People don't respect any rules, nobody stops at stop signs, traffic lights, etc. It seems that the driver that is fastest usually prevails. Fortunately so far, we have been doing o.k. while driving even though there were some situations where we could have easily been in an accident.
Some friends of ours had a very serious accident this weekend. They were planning to travel for the weekend with other friends and driving with two cars around Venezuela with some other friends.A driver was overtaking another car and coming up on their lane. Our other friends who had been the first car were able to drive off the highway, but the car ended up hitting our friend's car frontally. They have very serious injuries and will have to be flown out of the country. Fortunately their children are o.k. My mind slips back and forth to them. They had asked us to join them on their trip, but for various reasons we had decided to stay behind. That could so easily have been us. I thank God today that they are alive and pray that they will recover soon from their injuries.
Some friends of ours had a very serious accident this weekend. They were planning to travel for the weekend with other friends and driving with two cars around Venezuela with some other friends.A driver was overtaking another car and coming up on their lane. Our other friends who had been the first car were able to drive off the highway, but the car ended up hitting our friend's car frontally. They have very serious injuries and will have to be flown out of the country. Fortunately their children are o.k. My mind slips back and forth to them. They had asked us to join them on their trip, but for various reasons we had decided to stay behind. That could so easily have been us. I thank God today that they are alive and pray that they will recover soon from their injuries.
Friday, December 18, 2009
A giant genius in training
I know that you are probably wondering whether I have dropped from the side of the planet. I haven't, still alive and kicking. But incredibly busy. I have organized a big party last week for my job for about 300 people with three different show acts. Quite some work. But it turned out - after many ups and downs - a very successful event.
We also had been back in the US for two weeks to spend some quality time with family and shopping. We had a good time and bought lots of stuff that we either can't get here or can get here, but what is way too expensive. Lilli had a great time playing with her cousins and seeing all her relatives. We also had to take her to the doctor because her skin was breaking out. It turns out she has eczema, so we need to be careful with soap and use lots of moisturizing lotion.
Yesterday I finally took Lilli to her 15 month-check-up. A little late at nearly 17 month, but better late then never, right? The doctor was very impressed with her as always. She is now 89 centimeters long - that is about 35 inches - and therefore has even grown out of the European growth chart that he uses. For Venezuelans she is a giant which they like to comment on whenever they find out her age. She weighs now 11.6 kilograms which is 25.57 pounds. For her height she is about 50 percentile for weight. Lilli has a vocabulary of about 80-90 words in three languages and is constantly learning new words. I can't even keep up with writing them down. The doctor said that an average kid that age has about 6-10 words in one language. But of course, we also think that our kid is a genius - like all parents. She is very sweet at this age and I really love it. Sometimes I look at baby pictures of her and wonder whether she ever looked that way... She also has nearly stopped all the hitting - putting her consequently in time-out seems to have done the trick.
In January Lilli will attend daycare for the first time. It will be good for her to interact more with other kids. On our family planning front, we would love to adopt again. But unfortunately, we just can't afford it at this point. But we would love to give Lilli a sibling. My dh still wants five children. I think I would be o.k. with 2 or three right now.
I took these pictures at a recent trip with friends somewhere in the jungle of Venezuela. We were supposed to climb to a swimming hole at a water fall. Little did we know that the friendly guide wanted us to climb up the waterfall (dh with Lilli in the backpack). The waterfall was about 60 feet high and it was very scary experience. But we were very proud after making it. It turned out that the "swimming" hole was perfect for Lilli, but a little bit too little for us.
We also had been back in the US for two weeks to spend some quality time with family and shopping. We had a good time and bought lots of stuff that we either can't get here or can get here, but what is way too expensive. Lilli had a great time playing with her cousins and seeing all her relatives. We also had to take her to the doctor because her skin was breaking out. It turns out she has eczema, so we need to be careful with soap and use lots of moisturizing lotion.
Yesterday I finally took Lilli to her 15 month-check-up. A little late at nearly 17 month, but better late then never, right? The doctor was very impressed with her as always. She is now 89 centimeters long - that is about 35 inches - and therefore has even grown out of the European growth chart that he uses. For Venezuelans she is a giant which they like to comment on whenever they find out her age. She weighs now 11.6 kilograms which is 25.57 pounds. For her height she is about 50 percentile for weight. Lilli has a vocabulary of about 80-90 words in three languages and is constantly learning new words. I can't even keep up with writing them down. The doctor said that an average kid that age has about 6-10 words in one language. But of course, we also think that our kid is a genius - like all parents. She is very sweet at this age and I really love it. Sometimes I look at baby pictures of her and wonder whether she ever looked that way... She also has nearly stopped all the hitting - putting her consequently in time-out seems to have done the trick.
In January Lilli will attend daycare for the first time. It will be good for her to interact more with other kids. On our family planning front, we would love to adopt again. But unfortunately, we just can't afford it at this point. But we would love to give Lilli a sibling. My dh still wants five children. I think I would be o.k. with 2 or three right now.
I took these pictures at a recent trip with friends somewhere in the jungle of Venezuela. We were supposed to climb to a swimming hole at a water fall. Little did we know that the friendly guide wanted us to climb up the waterfall (dh with Lilli in the backpack). The waterfall was about 60 feet high and it was very scary experience. But we were very proud after making it. It turned out that the "swimming" hole was perfect for Lilli, but a little bit too little for us.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
If I could stop the time...
Today was a holiday and I was really looking forward to spending some time as a family. Little did I know that my husband had different plans. He wanted to play golf. I usually try to support him doing sports (his two soccer games a week, his basketball game once a week (even though he doesn't go every week) and golf once in a while), but today I was kind of bummed that I was a golf widow and by myself with Lilli all morning long.
I wanted to look at a daycare with a friend and her husband and had thought it might be nice for him to come along as well. After all this is OUR daughter and we have to make a decision together on which daycare she will attend. I really liked this daycare and even though it is logistically a little challenging (Caracas traffic is among the worst in the world), I think that she will start there in January. I really liked the teacher-student ration and that they have something like a concept of what they are doing. I know Lilli will love the interaction with other children. She is such a smart little girl. Her vocabulary has been skyrocketing. She is using about 60-70 words currently. She needs more outside input. It is an English speaking daycare, but two of the teachers speak only Spanish.
Starting daycare will be with mixed emotions. While I think it is the right thing to do for Lilli, I am aware that this is also the beginning of a journey of independence for her. First it's daycare, then kindergarden, then school, then she moves out, gets married, has children. Once this whole train is moving, there is no stopping it.
When I was having my confirmation in church (I was 13 I think) my Mom wrote this poem about my childhood. She wrote that often when I was little she just wanted to stop the time. Now I know what she meant by this all to well. There are so many precious moments that I want to treasure in my memory for the rest of my life. Lilli's smile and happy self, her toddling around, there are so many pictures that I have in front of me. But then, when I look at pictures of Lilli as a newborn, I can barely imagine that this is the same baby. She looks so different now. I can't even imagine that she was this little once. When I am holding babies of friends and they are the age that Lilli was just a couple of months ago, I can't stop myself from comparing them with her. Lilli has always had an incredible muscle tone. Compared to her many babies now feel like bags of flour. I wonder how it will be once we have a second baby. Will I do the same and compare every developmental milestone? I am also wondering whether we can get so lucky again. I mean, we got the perfect baby. Easygoing, friendly, healthy, no problems in terms of sleeping, feeding or allergies. How can any other baby measure up to that? Aren't we challenging our destiny to try again/adopt again? Can we love another baby like her?
Back to today: Around 1 p.m. dh finally came home from his golf game. It is weird to me how he just assumes that I will take care of Lilli when he wants to play sports. It seems like for men like him it is so normal that their wives will take care of the children when they are not available or have something else to do. Maybe because he doesn't spend a lot of time with her anyway because he is working. I don't really mind watching Lilli, but it would be nice, if he could at least ask me whether I have something else going on. Sometimes I would enjoy some time just for myself. But I have to admit that I am spoiled because on the days where I don't work, I can the maid/nanny let take care of Lilli. And the nanny is great. She is here every day now (our apartment is really big and three days a week she takes care of Lilli while I am at work in the mornings). Lilli loves her. I love her. But I don't want her to take care of Lilli every day. Because I also enjoy taking care of her. But sometimes Moms and children just need a break.
Even though I was upset when he came home, we managed to get along in the afternoon and spent a nice afternoon at our pool and a great dinner at a Sushi place close by. Now Dh is again playing soccer and I am just catching up on all my blogs.
I wanted to look at a daycare with a friend and her husband and had thought it might be nice for him to come along as well. After all this is OUR daughter and we have to make a decision together on which daycare she will attend. I really liked this daycare and even though it is logistically a little challenging (Caracas traffic is among the worst in the world), I think that she will start there in January. I really liked the teacher-student ration and that they have something like a concept of what they are doing. I know Lilli will love the interaction with other children. She is such a smart little girl. Her vocabulary has been skyrocketing. She is using about 60-70 words currently. She needs more outside input. It is an English speaking daycare, but two of the teachers speak only Spanish.
Starting daycare will be with mixed emotions. While I think it is the right thing to do for Lilli, I am aware that this is also the beginning of a journey of independence for her. First it's daycare, then kindergarden, then school, then she moves out, gets married, has children. Once this whole train is moving, there is no stopping it.
When I was having my confirmation in church (I was 13 I think) my Mom wrote this poem about my childhood. She wrote that often when I was little she just wanted to stop the time. Now I know what she meant by this all to well. There are so many precious moments that I want to treasure in my memory for the rest of my life. Lilli's smile and happy self, her toddling around, there are so many pictures that I have in front of me. But then, when I look at pictures of Lilli as a newborn, I can barely imagine that this is the same baby. She looks so different now. I can't even imagine that she was this little once. When I am holding babies of friends and they are the age that Lilli was just a couple of months ago, I can't stop myself from comparing them with her. Lilli has always had an incredible muscle tone. Compared to her many babies now feel like bags of flour. I wonder how it will be once we have a second baby. Will I do the same and compare every developmental milestone? I am also wondering whether we can get so lucky again. I mean, we got the perfect baby. Easygoing, friendly, healthy, no problems in terms of sleeping, feeding or allergies. How can any other baby measure up to that? Aren't we challenging our destiny to try again/adopt again? Can we love another baby like her?
Back to today: Around 1 p.m. dh finally came home from his golf game. It is weird to me how he just assumes that I will take care of Lilli when he wants to play sports. It seems like for men like him it is so normal that their wives will take care of the children when they are not available or have something else to do. Maybe because he doesn't spend a lot of time with her anyway because he is working. I don't really mind watching Lilli, but it would be nice, if he could at least ask me whether I have something else going on. Sometimes I would enjoy some time just for myself. But I have to admit that I am spoiled because on the days where I don't work, I can the maid/nanny let take care of Lilli. And the nanny is great. She is here every day now (our apartment is really big and three days a week she takes care of Lilli while I am at work in the mornings). Lilli loves her. I love her. But I don't want her to take care of Lilli every day. Because I also enjoy taking care of her. But sometimes Moms and children just need a break.
Even though I was upset when he came home, we managed to get along in the afternoon and spent a nice afternoon at our pool and a great dinner at a Sushi place close by. Now Dh is again playing soccer and I am just catching up on all my blogs.
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