That is how I am trying to take it right now. The weekend was really hard and I cried a lot. I felt like we lost a family member. It hurt that much.
On Saturday we met a family with two adopted girls. The mother understood me so well. We were like sisters in suffering. She was 40, when she adopted her first daughter and 43 with the second. We were introduced to someone that works with the foster system. I sent her an email today and hope to hear back from her about some contacts. You never know...
We talked to the agency today and spoke about our concerns with the time frame we are facing. We only have two months left before we leave the country. They understand our problems and will hopefully get back to us with some other suggestions. But we don't know when and that is driving me crazy... My old impatience is coming back.
It is just so hard. I allowed myself to get excited and that made me so vulnerable. I was so looking forward to August 10. Counting the days in my schedule. Ripping up silly paper chain links. Now we can start all over again. We know that it will happen, but we don't know when. I don't want to be vulnerable again, but I don't want to live the rest of my life without getting excited either.
We had to pick up some more baby stuff at our friends house yesterday and it felt so wrong picking up stuff for a baby that doesn't exist. Now we have tons of boys clothes in our house and can easily survive the first three months. If we get matched with a baby girl, she will have to wear tons of blue clothes. But that is okay. I'd rather have a girl wearing blue clothes than blue clothes without a baby to wear them.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Devastated
Yesterday at the airport I had a call from the agency. I called them back right away. The birthmother hasn't returned any of their phone calls for more than a week. They believe these are some red flags and have asked us whether we would like to be presented to other birthmothers. I said yes.
As you can imagine I am devastated. While our house now holds an assembly of donated baby items for a prospective baby, our dreams of becoming parents are on hold. I feel like we have wasted the time from April to June to be presented to other birthmothers while we were waiting on an update from this one.
I feel like we will never be parents. What if the next birthmother changes her mind as well?
As you can imagine I am devastated. While our house now holds an assembly of donated baby items for a prospective baby, our dreams of becoming parents are on hold. I feel like we have wasted the time from April to June to be presented to other birthmothers while we were waiting on an update from this one.
I feel like we will never be parents. What if the next birthmother changes her mind as well?
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Update on my dad
While I am waiting to be picked up to go to the airport, I wanted to give you a quick update on my dad. I finally just talked to one of his doctors. I tried to do this for a while, but I delayed it because of the problem with the time difference and because I was scared for what I might hear.
Until last week I thought they had destroyed the tumor with a laser, but last week my mom told me that the tumor was sitting on the Aorta and they couldn't operate it. It is so difficult to deal with loved ones in such a situation. I never received all the information I was looking for. When I asked for the size of the tumor, my mom didn't know. She hadn't asked.
The doctor today told me how my parents talk about their daughter in the US all the time. She informed me that the tumor has spread to the lymph nodes, but fortunately there are no metastasis in the liver or the lung yet. It is not a small celled tumor and the stage is T 4 which means it is the worst and most critic. It is a big tumor it sounds like. Through the chemotherapy and the radiation he has been receiving they were able to shrink the tumor a little.
But she told me that his cancer is not curable. She also recommended to go see him for Christmas because it could be the last Christmas that we will be spending together as a family.
I am sad. I will loose my dad in the next year or two. I never thought that would happen so early. I am not ready for this to happen. Even as I sit here and write, tears are streaming down my cheeks. The thing that makes me sad most is that he will not have the time and not be able to see his grandchildren grow up. They will not be able to develop this special relationship I had with my grandfather for 25 years.
When we went camping last week-end I saw these grandfathers with their grandchildren. One of them was proudly wearing a T-Shirt that said "World's Best Grandfather". It broke my heart because I thought how my father will never be able to experience doing something fun with his grandchildren. Daddy, I love you so much. I have always looked up to you and always was your little girl. You encouraged me all my life to follow my career. I owe you so much. You are always in my thoughts and prayers and in my heart.
Until last week I thought they had destroyed the tumor with a laser, but last week my mom told me that the tumor was sitting on the Aorta and they couldn't operate it. It is so difficult to deal with loved ones in such a situation. I never received all the information I was looking for. When I asked for the size of the tumor, my mom didn't know. She hadn't asked.
The doctor today told me how my parents talk about their daughter in the US all the time. She informed me that the tumor has spread to the lymph nodes, but fortunately there are no metastasis in the liver or the lung yet. It is not a small celled tumor and the stage is T 4 which means it is the worst and most critic. It is a big tumor it sounds like. Through the chemotherapy and the radiation he has been receiving they were able to shrink the tumor a little.
But she told me that his cancer is not curable. She also recommended to go see him for Christmas because it could be the last Christmas that we will be spending together as a family.
I am sad. I will loose my dad in the next year or two. I never thought that would happen so early. I am not ready for this to happen. Even as I sit here and write, tears are streaming down my cheeks. The thing that makes me sad most is that he will not have the time and not be able to see his grandchildren grow up. They will not be able to develop this special relationship I had with my grandfather for 25 years.
When we went camping last week-end I saw these grandfathers with their grandchildren. One of them was proudly wearing a T-Shirt that said "World's Best Grandfather". It broke my heart because I thought how my father will never be able to experience doing something fun with his grandchildren. Daddy, I love you so much. I have always looked up to you and always was your little girl. You encouraged me all my life to follow my career. I owe you so much. You are always in my thoughts and prayers and in my heart.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Tagged and MIA
I have been tagged by Dave and before I head out, I'm just gonna answer really quick.
1. What did you do 10 years ago?
I worked in an election campaign and was about to finish my studies. I got engaged, but never married the guy. We just realized that we were not a match made in heaven...
2. Five things from your ‘to do’ list?
- Get the baby's room ready
- Clean out our house
- Go through my books to see what I can leave here and what I'll take
- Rent our house
- Move
3. Favorite snacks?
- Guacamole and Chips
- Spinach Artichoke dip
4. What would you do if you were a millionaire?
- adopt tons of kids (Angelina and Brad, we'll get you) and also find other ways to enlarge our family (maybe we'll find a surrogate, do donor eggs, IVF, or all of it)
- donate to charity
- buy a nice house
5. Places where you’ve lived?
- Berlin, Germany
- Padua, Italy
- Washington, D.C.
- Virginia
Now I tag: A little Sweetness, Taking the statistical bullet, LJ, Here's to Hope, and Hopefully Hoping.
1. What did you do 10 years ago?
I worked in an election campaign and was about to finish my studies. I got engaged, but never married the guy. We just realized that we were not a match made in heaven...
2. Five things from your ‘to do’ list?
- Get the baby's room ready
- Clean out our house
- Go through my books to see what I can leave here and what I'll take
- Rent our house
- Move
3. Favorite snacks?
- Guacamole and Chips
- Spinach Artichoke dip
4. What would you do if you were a millionaire?
- adopt tons of kids (Angelina and Brad, we'll get you) and also find other ways to enlarge our family (maybe we'll find a surrogate, do donor eggs, IVF, or all of it)
- donate to charity
- buy a nice house
5. Places where you’ve lived?
- Berlin, Germany
- Padua, Italy
- Washington, D.C.
- Virginia
Now I tag: A little Sweetness, Taking the statistical bullet, LJ, Here's to Hope, and Hopefully Hoping.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Traveling
Thank you all so much for your input on breastmilk. I thought that was really informative and will try to see whether I can find some around here. At least for a couple of days to mix with the formula... But I think I have decided that trying to breastfeed myself will be to much of a hassle. Formula it is for our baby...
We are going camping this weekend with our church small group. I am very excited and have to head out. A friend is coming in a little bit and I still need to finish packing, pick up hubby, and then we go..
Next week I am heading out to Mexico for work for a couple of days. Hopefully I will be able to practice my Spanish a little bit. At least that way time is passing a little faster. I'll try to post as soon as possible.
We are going camping this weekend with our church small group. I am very excited and have to head out. A friend is coming in a little bit and I still need to finish packing, pick up hubby, and then we go..
Next week I am heading out to Mexico for work for a couple of days. Hopefully I will be able to practice my Spanish a little bit. At least that way time is passing a little faster. I'll try to post as soon as possible.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
No, I didn't!
Hubby and I talked about the breastfeeding thing yesterday and we both agree that we are not very excited about the medication aspect. The perspective of investing a lot of time and effort in something that might not even work, doesn't sound too appealing to us right now. In addition, my friend who just had a baby, told me that if she is stressed breastfeeding is even more difficult. Besides the adjustment of having a brand new baby in the house in a little bit more than 53 (!) days, I will probably be completely stressed out about our upcoming move and how to get everything packed and organized. Furthermore, I don't think I will be able to make time 6 times a day for 30 minutes to stimulate my breast now. Besides school and work, I don't know where to take the time from. But I am still thinking about using the lact-aid once the baby is here to see whether I can stimulate my breast to produce at least some milk.
Someone also had told me that you can get breastmilk in hospitals sometimes. Maybe that would be an option. Then we could get the baby something good without having to go through all the struggle. It sounds like there are even so-called milkbanks. I wonder whether there is one around here. I have to do some research on the hospitals to figure out whether buying some breastmilk would be an option. Anyone knows someone who wants to sell some breastmilk? Just kidding...
My mom called me today. I think it was her bad conscience after our unpleasant phone conversation last weekend. She was really trying to be nice. And then it happened: I told her that I was considering breastfeeding. And her reaction was completely averse to it. I was really surprised about that. She argued about what I had put my body already through and all. I mentioned that I wanted to do what was best for our baby. I also told her that one of the reasons was that this was maybe the closest I might ever get to having my body do what it is supposed to do. At least if I never get pregnant again. She said that it would be so difficult and everything. I then said: "Yeah, but you also breastfed me when I was a baby." And she's like: "No, I didn't!"
That came as a complete shock to me. For all of my life I thought that I was breastfed. My mom then told me that she tried it with my brother and it didn't work, so she gave it up. At that time they were not very supportive in the hospital of breastfeeding and a thing like a lactation consultant didn't even exist. After she had given birth to me, they told her in the hospital that she shouldn't even try it. It would not be worth it... How times change...
Now I am just shocked that I didn't know it. I don't judge her for not breastfeeding me. I am just stunned that we never talked about it.
Someone also had told me that you can get breastmilk in hospitals sometimes. Maybe that would be an option. Then we could get the baby something good without having to go through all the struggle. It sounds like there are even so-called milkbanks. I wonder whether there is one around here. I have to do some research on the hospitals to figure out whether buying some breastmilk would be an option. Anyone knows someone who wants to sell some breastmilk? Just kidding...
My mom called me today. I think it was her bad conscience after our unpleasant phone conversation last weekend. She was really trying to be nice. And then it happened: I told her that I was considering breastfeeding. And her reaction was completely averse to it. I was really surprised about that. She argued about what I had put my body already through and all. I mentioned that I wanted to do what was best for our baby. I also told her that one of the reasons was that this was maybe the closest I might ever get to having my body do what it is supposed to do. At least if I never get pregnant again. She said that it would be so difficult and everything. I then said: "Yeah, but you also breastfed me when I was a baby." And she's like: "No, I didn't!"
That came as a complete shock to me. For all of my life I thought that I was breastfed. My mom then told me that she tried it with my brother and it didn't work, so she gave it up. At that time they were not very supportive in the hospital of breastfeeding and a thing like a lactation consultant didn't even exist. After she had given birth to me, they told her in the hospital that she shouldn't even try it. It would not be worth it... How times change...
Now I am just shocked that I didn't know it. I don't judge her for not breastfeeding me. I am just stunned that we never talked about it.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
54 days to go
Yesterday I saved us $70 by scheduling a telephone conversation with a lactation consultant instead of an appointment. I'll save all of you interested in the subject the fee for the telephone consult and will try to repeat what she said. We talked to her and asked her about the process to induce lactation.
First she first that while a lot of adoptive mothers are thinking about it, in the end only about 50% go on to breastfeed. Some of those try it for a week and are pretty frustrated if it doesn't work out and end up not breastfeeding at all. Only about 1 in 10 adoptive mothers can breastfeed exclusively and don't have to supplement with formula. Normally these are the women who have breastfed a baby before.
She recommended to get a breast exam first. The next thing would be to go asap on the pill for a couple of weeks to produce more breast milk. And then she talked about a drug called Domperidone (Motillium). It is not FDA approved and difficult to get in the US and very expensive here ($160). But she thinks it works really well. I would have to take it about 4 weeks before the baby's birth.
She also recommended I rent a breast pump from them for two months and try to start pumping 6(!) times a day for 30 minutes. But she also said that some women are not producing any milk at all and if an adoptive mom produces 2 ounces a day, she can be lucky. She said Babies drink about 24 ounces a day once they are about a month old.
At the beginning I could also use a lact-aid to stimulate lactation. Of course she wanted me to come in and have several consultations with her to get started.
How do I feel about all of this? It sounds like it is a lot of work for an outcome that is doubtable. I don't know whether I would like to start pumping my body full of medication after all the fertility treatments last year. I am still thinking about it, but I might just end up renting a pump and getting the lact-aid and see where this is going...
I talked to my hubby about the blog yesterday. He had never read it before and I showed it to him. He suggested that his mother might be very interested in this blog and I should invite her to read it. I am very sorry, honey, but I don't want to discuss any of this with your mom.
First she first that while a lot of adoptive mothers are thinking about it, in the end only about 50% go on to breastfeed. Some of those try it for a week and are pretty frustrated if it doesn't work out and end up not breastfeeding at all. Only about 1 in 10 adoptive mothers can breastfeed exclusively and don't have to supplement with formula. Normally these are the women who have breastfed a baby before.
She recommended to get a breast exam first. The next thing would be to go asap on the pill for a couple of weeks to produce more breast milk. And then she talked about a drug called Domperidone (Motillium). It is not FDA approved and difficult to get in the US and very expensive here ($160). But she thinks it works really well. I would have to take it about 4 weeks before the baby's birth.
She also recommended I rent a breast pump from them for two months and try to start pumping 6(!) times a day for 30 minutes. But she also said that some women are not producing any milk at all and if an adoptive mom produces 2 ounces a day, she can be lucky. She said Babies drink about 24 ounces a day once they are about a month old.
At the beginning I could also use a lact-aid to stimulate lactation. Of course she wanted me to come in and have several consultations with her to get started.
How do I feel about all of this? It sounds like it is a lot of work for an outcome that is doubtable. I don't know whether I would like to start pumping my body full of medication after all the fertility treatments last year. I am still thinking about it, but I might just end up renting a pump and getting the lact-aid and see where this is going...
I talked to my hubby about the blog yesterday. He had never read it before and I showed it to him. He suggested that his mother might be very interested in this blog and I should invite her to read it. I am very sorry, honey, but I don't want to discuss any of this with your mom.
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