A sad night and random toughts on infertility

I was really sad last night. It started with me watching this video of the song "I would die for that" that I posted below. I started sobbing. Because I realize I would die to have a child. Of course it wouldn't make much sense of me dying while giving birth to a child. Because then I wouldn't be able to experience being a Mom at all. But I would easily give 10 years of my life for the possibility of getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and giving birth to a healthy baby.

When I went to bed a read a little in the bible and come across the paragraph "Put your faith in me". I have faith in God. But it is so hard to have faith and not knowing whether it will pay off. What if I decide to wait for the Lord to help us. And he doesn't. I am scared to have that kind of faith and I am struggling with this. I also read a little from the book "Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart In The Midst Of Infertility". It is a great book for everyone that believes in God and deals with infertility as well as their family members.

I found out this week that a school friend of mine is having her second baby. The first one was born in May 2006 and their newest addition to the family is being born the same month, just exactly two years later. I was o.k. with her telling me, because I had assumed that she was pregnant when we saw her in September. She looked pregnant to me and was not drinking any alcohol. But I thought it was probably early and they didn't want to tell anyone.

I am still amazed how people can just get pregnant so easily. For all of us infertile sisters, there is so much ART involved in it. Measuring temperatures, having sex at exactly the right time, endless blood tests, ultrasounds, injections, retrievals, IUIs, transfers, medication, etc. Outsourced reproduction basically.

Sometimes I wonder how people actually get pregnant at all. I mean, the right sperm needs to find the perfect egg at the right time after a long and difficult road. The sperm needs to break the shelve of the egg, it needs to fertilize it. The zygote than needs to travel all the way to the uterus. It needs to implant. And then it needs to grow into a healthy little baby for 9 months. This all combined sounds like a lot of effort.

And still it happens so easily for some people. I have to admit that when I think about it, I see a side of me that I don't like. I envy those people. Sometimes I feel like they are living the life I was supposed to be living. I never thought it was going to be so difficult for us. I envy the people that are not really trying and get pregnant. I wish I could be those people. Infertility has taken that all away from us.