Letter to my body

Dear Body,

You should be my longest friend. You formed how I look before I was even born. I took you and my health for granted most of my life

I always assumed that if I wanted to get pregnant you would just perform and provide us with a healthy baby. I had anticipated for some reason that it might be a little difficult, but what did I know. When I stopped taking the BCP in 2003, I thought it would just happen one day. When it didn’t happen after we stopped using all other birth control, too, I tried to calculate when we should have sex.

When that didn’t happen, I went to see a doctor. She recommended a fertility expert. I made an appointment. But I still trusted you in one way or another.

When I started having this excruciating pain a few days after Christmas of 2005, I didn’t know what to make of it. First I hoped I was pregnant, but I realized that this was technically impossible. A couple of months later the doctor confirmed that I was having a cyst. I hoped you would resolve that cyst like you have done so many times before. But it didn’t happen.

In April of 2006 I decided to undergo surgery to take out that little cyst. Everything went fine and I was relieved. Unfortunately the doctor confirmed my suspicion of endometriosis. But a couple of days later, the pain came back and I had another cyst in the same area. I was stunned. Now I realize that it was your way of telling me that I should get out of that terrible job I had at that time. I got out of it and hoped now everything would be fine. But it wasn’t. The doctor put me in a temporary state of menopause and you were probably confused why I was having some of the symptoms of menopause with 32. You responded by giving me my first gray hair.

After the temporary menopause didn’t resolve the cyst, I had to undergo another surgery. This time I picked a different doctor to perform. After the surgery I was in Menopause for a few more months and I started with Acupuncture. You really seem to like that because you haven’t given me any more troubles with the endo. So I keep on doing it. And my acupuncture doctor has given me a medication that you seem to like, too. At least you haven’t given me any problems any more since then.

But our deepest desire for a baby was still there. The doctor recommended IVF. It is the most aggressive tool we could use to have a baby. And I trusted you. I trusted that IVF and you might become friends. After the first cycle came back negative, I was disappointed in you. But I also was still hopeful. I just wanted a little break of one month. The doctor put me on the BCP for my endo.

I don’t know what happened inside you then. What did you do with the pill? Did you just laugh at it? Did you or a single egg inside you decide to give us some hope? Were there some embryos still inside you and hanging out from our IVF cycle? I don’t know. I just know that my next blood test to start another cycle came back positive. But with a low beta which caused my first miscarriage. I was sad and hopeful at the same time. Maybe IVF would work the next time? Was that a sign? But you decided to grow crappy eggs the next cycle. So it didn’t work either. But the doctor recommended another cycle right ahead. So we went ahead and did another cycle. But you decided it was not the right time for one of these little embryos to stick either. You gave us an HCG level of 9 which was not good news. Turns out you can be a little pregnant. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but you played this mean little game with us and raised the HCG level with every doctor’s visit and our hopes. You doubled it like it is supposed to. But then, two days before my best friend’s wedding I started bleeding and I realized you didn’t accept this little subtenant either. The HCG level dropped and our hopes went down with it.

To make matters worse you decided to provide me with a high FSH level to show me that you didn’t like our aggressive approach. So we had to stop any treatment for a while. We had to stop anyway, because your reluctance to carry a pregnancy let us run out of money.

However in November of last year, we decided to try a cycle of IUI. We actually meant to try two cycles before changing our health insurance. But you weren’t cooperating the first cycle and provided another high FSH level. I understand that you don’t like aggressive approached and I accept it for now. It’s hard to give up the idea of ever having biological children. It would have been so nice to feel a baby grow inside me. But I understand that I need to move on.

We started the adoption process. You don’t have to do anything for that. You don’t have to grow a little baby inside you. Please keep me healthy. I promise I will take better care of myself and maybe even drag myself to the gym more often.

But can we have some kind of truce for now? I promise I won’t bother you for a while. I really would like to learn how to trust you again. We share so much. You have the scars from my surgeries on you and I have them on my soul. I even hope we can be friends some day.

Yoka