AF decided to come for a visit this weekend. Right on time on Friday... All hopes have gone - once again. I wish I would stop hoping. It is just so painful to have your hopes crushed every month.
On Friday we had planned to go out for dinner with two neighbor couples. I had met one of the girls in the morning and she had said that they would be coming. Around 6:30 p.m. she rang our door bell to tell me that they had to bail on us. They had planned to tell us their great news that night. She is twelve weeks pregnant. With twins (!). Naturally conceived. She said they run in their family (but had skipped four generations!).
I feel so bad that I can't be happy for her. This is one of the mean things that infertility does to you. Instead of being happy for your friends when they are pregnant you are jealous and question why it is them and not you. If it was just one, it would probably have been easier. But two (!). Why can't we both be pregnant with one baby? She is the third of our friends that is having twins. And we can't even have one biological child. I wonder whether that pain will ever go away? Will it be better with time? Will it be better once we have an adopted child?
Last Saturday we did the CPR class that was one part of the requirements from our adoption agency. Another thing to cross from our list... We took CPR for adults/children and infants and first aid as well.
Today I sent back the form where it breaks down the cost for this adoption. We now have to find the money somewhere. Unfortunately we didn't qualify for the adoption credit we had applied for. I didn't think it would be that difficult...
While other people conceive their babies in bed, we have to pay thousands of dollars for outsourcing reproduction. First for all the unsuccessful fertility treatments and then for the adoption... I wish I could win the lottery. Having more money would help - a lot.
3 comments:
Eeegad! :P
Hugs.
Just now getting back to commenting, and I've missed so much. You're definitely in my thoughts.
I think the best thing and the worst thing in the world is never giving up hope. It can inspire us, but it can also crush us. I don't know if it will EVER stop being painful when we have a crazy cycle. For a brief moment in time, no matter how hard we try not to, we think about an amazing thing that can come from a late cycle. And even after telling ourselves there is no reason to hope, we still do.
It's a double-edged sword.
All I can tell you is that I am one of many hoping for you, so if you need a break know that we're working on it!
Also, I liked the phrase at the and--others conceive their babies in bad while we have to pay thousands of dollars for outsourcing reproduction. I just have to hope it is worth it in the end...
we have been on the adoption road for a little over a year and still i feel disappointment each time i start my period...
my husband sometimes does not get it and says "but we are adopting and excited to adopt". which i am, but at this point- waiting for a referral a pregnancy would still be quicker! i just want to parent now- not now, 3 years ago...
i hate how it makes me a jealous person too- we are so similar... keep up the faith....
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