I just put Lilli (I think, we'll go with that writing for now) down. Before she was sleeping on my knees. Today she hasn't been a good sleeper. She starts screaming out of the blue. When I pick her up, she stops. That is amazing. To be able to quiet her down. I guess that is what it means to be a Mommy.
I didn't have this Mommy-feeling right from the start. I loved from the start to take care of her. I enjoyed spending time with her and cuddling her. I love her. I want to protect her from getting hurt. But how does that make me different from a baby-sitter? I guess it will take a while until I truly feel like a Mommy. But I assume that this is normal.
Unfortunately I can't email pictures from the computer I am currently using (dh has the other one), but I heard you. I will add some as soon as I can. My BIL and SIL are coming into town today with our nephew. SIL is pregnant with the second baby. I will be o.k. this time. We also received a huge box from them this week - with tons of cute outfits, shoes, a book, etc. She usually doesn't call me. Recently she just called to chat about the baby. I guess that makes me finally a member of the privileged club of Moms. She told me how she changes her baby's diapers about 10-12 times per day. I felt really bad, because we don't change them quite that often... But she is also breastfeeding, that could be the difference.
Yesterday we took Lilli to her first softball game. I have played in a team for the last two seasons and had a great time. I really love that game. Lilli slept nearly through the whole game just to wake up and drink right before the end. When I was standing outside the fence with her, I noticed a couple of tourists (a couple with their adult daughter) wondering about the game. So I explained to them what we were playing. It turns out they were from my home country. We chatted along and they seemed very nice. Of course they asked about Lilli's age and everything. I talked about her Dad and said that he is playing. They immediately assumed he was one of our black players. When I pointed her real Dad out they looked surprised so I said that Lilli is adopted.
I am very open with this as it is nothing I am ashamed of. It is something I am proud of. While we were waiting for the ICPC clearance, we had several people approach us and tell us how great I looked for just having given birth four days earlier. Or one woman that said "She looks just like her Dad - the Mexican". My husband is actually half Japanese and half White. I was kind of surprised to learn that people thought I had given birth to her.
Back to my original thought. After I told the tourists that she is adopted the wife asked me: "Couldn't you have your own children?" I have to say that I was really shocked and stunned by that question. I mean, who asks a complete stranger about their infertility? I just said something like "Oh, we always wanted to adopt." Then she said "But wouldn't it be great if she had a brother or a sister?" I just answered "Sure, that would be great."
I know that this woman didn't have any intention to hurt me. I know that she hasn't experienced infertility. But it sounded a little bit like she was trying to tell me that adopting is only second choice, like she was not really our child. And that hurt me. She is our child. This is the way we are building our family and it is o.k. It is none of their business why we have decided to go down that road. I realize that I will have to practice answers to these kind of questions. Especially with Lilli once she is a little older. I wonder what she would have said if I had just said something like "This is personal and none of your business" or "Why do you want to know?" or "You know after three years of trying, three IVFs, and two miscarriages, we decided to move on. Do you need any detailed information about my miscarriages as well?"
Does anyone of you guys have a great answer to that question?
Here is another question to those of you that have adopted afro-american children. How often do you wash their hair? Lilli has completely straight her right now. It just starts to curl if it is wet. We just gave her a bath yesterday, but today her hair looks oily again. Do you have any recommendations on hair care products for me? When can we start using them?
10 comments:
*Big Hugs* I feel for you about your SIL. My SIL never calls me either, and if she starts calling me after Clio is home I'll feel the same way. It'll probably help just to assume that she doesn't realize how she's coming across, but that she has good intentions.
I think that "Why do you ask?" is the best response to personal questions like that, because by turning the question back on the other person and forcing them to think, often they will realize that they shouldn't have asked in the first place and they will drop it and be embarrassed. I had a similar situation at a social gathering before Lucy was born and someone asked me "so, what lead you to want to adopt?" and I just blinked and didn't know what to say, so I started talking in general terms about infertility and the look on the woman's face was horrified because I guess she hadn't meant it that way. I don't know what way she meant it, but anyhow, I think it would be rare to find a person who really wants to know about your IF, probably they are just making small talk and don't realize they are being rude until the question comes out of their mouth. :)
Sorry this is so long! With regard to the hair, we did some research for Lucy and found that when AA babies are really young you can wash their hair just like a non-AA baby, but when they are a little older if their hair changes and gets kinky, Burts Bees Apricot Oil was recommended to me as a good hair treatment, and you won't want to wash it too often.
You're going to be caught off guard a lot in the beginning. When Zara was a week old, some random woman busted me out in the mall for not breastfeeding. I explained that I was doing adoptive breastfeeding, but it was a little complicated to do in the middle of the mall. And then after she digested that Zara had been adopted, she asked, "so why did you adopt a white baby?"
And I, like the novice I was at the time, did not give her the stare of death. I calmly explained that Zara was biracial etc. etc. It wasn't until I was walking away that I was like, WTH did I just answer?!!!
Now if I get the "own child" question, I coolly say, "Zara is my own child." If they look sufficiently chastened, I will help them out by saying, "do you mean biological child?" If they don't, I just let them flounder.
As for the hair, no drama at this point. Wash the hair when you bathe her. We started using products on Zara's hair when she was about 3-4 months old. I am really pleased with the It's a Curl organic products from curls.biz. The shampoo is gentle and the conditioner is wonderful. There is also a leave in conditioner that moisturizes and defines. These are products designed for people of color. Check them out: http://www.curls.biz/store/crp_referral.php and if you buy anything, please use my referral code: ASRDS7GG
Good luck!
I like to respond by saying very very sweetly w/a nice smile. "You know that's a very personal question, and if I knew you better I might answer."
The worst part about comments like that is imagining them happening in the future when the kids can understand them. I am so proud that we created our family through adoption, but people just don't THINK and respect the kids' privacy! I think you handled it beautifully! :)
As for the hair, sounds like your Lilli is much like our Lily:) Her hair was totally straight at first and started to curl when wet. Johnson and Johnson makes a baby shampoo for curly hair that we started using right away and still use. It's really nice and gentle on their hair. Once her hair started growing out, it started really curling. Our Lily is biracial and all biracial kids have different hair, but for us, we started using Pantene's leave in conditioner for "women of color" :) We put it in immediately after washing (only every other day at most) and then on days when we don't wash her hair, we spritz it wet with a spray bottle and work the conditioner through. So, it's conditioned every day and washed only every other at most. Like I said, it works well for us, but Lily's hair is pretty soft and manageable still at this point. Keep in touch if you ever want to talk hair, etc. :)
Can't wait to see more pictures!
People are so nosy!! I am sorry you had to, and will have to deal with inane people like that. I think everyone's suggestions here were wonderful, because they are pointed, but still polite. I personally don't have anything to suggest, because I would say something like "#%**& you, lady!" and that might get into trouble! :)
I like Trace's answer.
I'm less perturbed by the IF implications that by the "your own" phrase.
I think I would say, "we do consider her our own. She just came to us a different way."
Sometimes other IFers are looking for a connection. Maybe she is one?
I feel your frustration about the ignorant questions. You'll have to start your own "dumbest statements" list like we did...we've had some doosies!
I think the best response is to remember that they don't understand adoption, and they're genuinely curious. Responding with kindness is hard. We've decided to educate people that we care about and just blow off comments by strangers. A good response would be, "why would you ask such a personal question?" That'll get them singin' a different tune real fast!
On the hair issue, little Josiah has the cutest little head of nappy hair. We were told by some of our AA friends not to cut it for 1 year (really!) but to wash it with when we bathe him and brush it from time to time. I put some petroluem jelly (another reccommendation) in it to style it to bring out the spiral curls.
There are some good Yahoo groups devited to AA hair & skin care. The one I've joined is called "adoptionhair_skincare." Pretty helpful stuff!
People just don't think...and it's a shame. You do what's right for your Lilli, and that's all you need to do.
That or you could trip them on the way out the door (totally kidding). ;)
People can just be so rude, but the saddest part to me is that they honestly have no clue and aren't trying to be mean. Ignorance is the name of the game, and it runs rampant out there! I think the best approach is to answer calmly and nicely, and my personal favorite response is, "why do you want to know." That usually refocuses the conversation onto them and they have to really think about what they have asked you. I think it's all a huge learning curve and you have to do the best you can do with the information and resources you have. Good luck...I'm glad things are going well. Though I don't know from experience, I DO Think it's entirely normal for the "mommy feeling" to take some time...even oftentimes for biological parents. :)
Melba
It's totally normal to feel like a babysitter for awhile. I did with my first for several months.
As far as the hair care, I use coconut oil on skin and hair for Austin and will for the new baby when he needs it. It's good to bathe once a week and just "hit the high points" once a day. Washing too much will dry out skin. I opt for all natural stuff instead of petroleum based stuff that can clog pores.
I also use the "Why do you ask?" response. You will be amazed at the stupid comments you will receive. A lady in the elevator yesterday asked right off the bat, "oh, it's a multiracial child, right?" Why does she care? People are so weird. :)
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