5 years ago

It is my 35th birthday today. Five years ago I had a really big party at my parent's house. I had invited friends from all over the country to join us. We started on Friday night with a visit to a restaurant, had a guided tour through the city on Saturday morning and the party in the evening. On Sunday we had a farewell breakfast for everyone.

I was terrified of turning 30. I felt like an old woman and thought back to the days when I was 21. I only I could turn back time I thought back then. The fact that I wasn't married, made me sad.

When I was 16 I always thought by the time I am 25 I will be married with two children. The number 30 had something so threatening in my eyes.

In Northern Germany when you turn 30 as a woman and you aren't married you have to clean doorhandles. So my friends brought these doorhandles mounted on a piece of wood that were "dirty" with toothpaste and let me clean them. They gave me a headpiece and a cleaning lady dress. Whenever I had finished one they put more toothpaste on. It seemed like I was never going to be done. It was a lot of fun. I really enjoy thinking back now. I said to DH yesterday: five years ago we were so innocent. Little did we know about what was going to happen. Infertility hadn't kicked our asses back then. My dad didn't have his stroke. He didn't suffer from lung cancer. Life seemed so easy back then. We were happy and didn't worry about the future.

Here we go five years later: I am turning the corner for conception today. Everybody knows that trying to conceive when you are over 35 is more difficult and is considered high risk. Not that conception was ever easy for us, but I always thought at least I am under 35. Now that advantage point is gone. How I feel about it? The pain is still there, but having a child makes it a little more bearable. But if I could turn back time, I might turn it back five years.