Today was a strange day. My colleague told me she is pregnant. She and her husband did their first IVF. She is 40. Her beta is really low at 20. I am happy for her that it worked the first time and hope her beta goes up. After the two week wait, she is now in another wait to see whether her beta doubles as wanted. Poor her... I know how that feels.
I have been trough this just in July. My beta was only at 9, but doppled every two days until it came up to 72. And then... I started bleeding a little. When I called the doctor, he told me that some bleeding was absolutely normal. But deep inside I knew, I was loosing my baby. And the bloodwork the next day showed that I was right. The HCG went down to 54.
When I just took the bus home from work, the damn bus literally stopped at every single stop on the road, except one. It took forever. I went to get our mail from the letter box and saw a letter from MA. I was surprised because I don't really have a penpal from there. When I just opened it, I freaked out: it was an invite for a baby shower for my husband cousin's wife. I don't want to be ungrateful. It is nice of them to think of me and invite me. They don't know about our struggles with infertility. But I don't think I'd like to go and put myself through the pain of spending an afternoon with pregnant women and baby talk. I don't think I can do this. Infertility takes all this joy away from you.
I wish I could just be a normal women for 9 months and enjoy the blessing of having a baby grow inside me. A real baby moving inside me. To be able to go out and buy maternity clothes. To see my belly grow and be actually happy about it. Instead I feel broken. I know at the end of the day infertility makes me stronger. But the pain is never gonna go away.
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