A tiny bit of life

April 12, 2007 was the day that changed my life forever. I was supposed to go to an appointment at our RE's office for an ultrasound and blood work. Our first IVF attempt had failed in March and we were getting ready for our next attempt. I wanted one month break in between and my doctor recommended I should start the pill because of the endometriosis. So I took the pill every single day. I didn't want to take it because I was trying to have a baby and I was doing something to stop me from preventing to have one. But I was also scared of the endometriosis and the cysts coming back - with all the pain I had endured over the course of 2006. So I took the pill. I also had my period while we were visiting my mother-in-law in Upstate New York.

I was supposed to start fertility medications soon and went in for the ultrasound. It revealed that I had another cyst. I was devastated.

Here is an email, I shared that morning with my women's small group:

Dear friends,

I just went to see the doctor for a sonogramm and blood work. It turns out I have another cyst on my right ovary. I don't know yet, whether this is another endometriosis cyst or just a regular normal cycle cyst. I don't want to go through all of this again... I don't want to have another surygery... I already had two surgeries last year to remove two cysts. What is the point of removing them, if they come back anyway...

They took blood work to figure out, what kind of cyst it is. Please pray that it is no endo cyst. I will hear learn more this afternoon.

It is one of the things, I worry about, but can't control. God is in control. Why does the Lord put this strong desire for children in my heart, if he makes it so difficult to fullfill it? Why does he send all these pregnant women my way? The pain is already strong enough without them... I am so sad. When will this ever go away?

Yoka

And three days later I sent this email:

Dear friends,

I wanted to follow-up on my "cyst". On Thursday afternoon I received
this call from my doctor's office. The nurse told me that my blood
tested positive for pregnancy. I was completely confused. I told her
that that could not be possible, because I had been on the pill the
whole last month and that I had just had my period. She just said that
these things happen, but that they wanted to do one more test, because
my levels had been kind of low and she would call me on Friday.

Well, I was confused. I didn't really know what to think. My first
thought was that they must have mixed my blood sample. Then I thought:
Wow! God really has a sense for humor. After everything we have been
trough with years of trying to conceive naturally, the Endomeriosis,
the two surgeries, the testing, the IVF and the failure of the IVF, he
gets me pregnant, while I am trying to give my body some rest and
while I am on the pill? The doctor had told us before that we only
have about a 5% chance of conceiving naturally, but it would be very
difficult. And the pill is supposed to be 99% safe. So, how big were
the chances?

I bought two pregnancy tests on Thursday. My dearest husband picked me up at the
metro and I was nearly bursting to tell him, but I wanted to do a
pregnancy test first. So once we arrived home, I did the first test. I
couldn't nearly believe when the second line that indicates pregnancy
turned blue. It was POSITIVE!!! I was overjoyed. That was the first
positive pregnancy test of my life, and I have taken quite a few over
the years. So I was cautiously optimistic.

I told my dearest Husband and he couldn't nearly believe it. What a powerful sign of
God! On Friday morning I did another pregnancy test, just to be on the
save side. It was still positive!!! I still had some light bleeding,
but because I just had had my period, and since I was pregnant, I
thought that would probably go away. The nurse then called on Friday
morning and said that our doctor wanted me to come in for another
blood test on Saturday morning.

I went in yesterday for the blood test. When the nurse called
yesterday afternoon to tell us the results, it turns out that the
levels had stayed more or less the same and not doubled like they are
supposed to. So our doctor is pretty sure, that I will have a
miscarriage, but wants me to come in for another blood test on
Tuesday.

Dear friends, I don't really know what to ask you to pray for. I just
wish that God's will be done. Even if he doesn't want us to have this
child, he has shown us that I can get pregnant - naturally.

I am in deep pain and I am struggling with what this powerful message
means. This morning after church, the pastor prayed with us and we
hope for clarity as we move in our way forward.

I never felt the Lord speak to me so clearly before. But I don't
understand yet, what he is telling me to do. Amidst all the pain, I
even feel grateful to have at least once experienced the blessing of
being pregnant, even it was just for a couple of weeks.

Thank you for your prayers. You are such a blessing in my life. I feel
like I am also putting a lot of our personal struggle upon you and
asking for a lot of you to go through this with me. I know it is not
easy to handle and please tell me, if this is more than you want to
deal with.

Yoka

I was sad, but also relieved. At least I could get pregnant. How many women never get to experience this at all. And how many women miscarry to go on with a healthy pregnancy and baby. This really gave me also a lot of hope in all the despair... I was so happy to be able to take a positive pregnancy test for the first time in my life.

The bleeding continued over the next two weeks and with a steady flow the tiny bit of life that had once been inside me, left my body. And we had to let it go before we even got to meet it. The HCG-levels went down with our hopes.

This day could have been a little better...

Today was a strange day. My colleague told me she is pregnant. She and her husband did their first IVF. She is 40. Her beta is really low at 20. I am happy for her that it worked the first time and hope her beta goes up. After the two week wait, she is now in another wait to see whether her beta doubles as wanted. Poor her... I know how that feels.

I have been trough this just in July. My beta was only at 9, but doppled every two days until it came up to 72. And then... I started bleeding a little. When I called the doctor, he told me that some bleeding was absolutely normal. But deep inside I knew, I was loosing my baby. And the bloodwork the next day showed that I was right. The HCG went down to 54.

When I just took the bus home from work, the damn bus literally stopped at every single stop on the road, except one. It took forever. I went to get our mail from the letter box and saw a letter from MA. I was surprised because I don't really have a penpal from there. When I just opened it, I freaked out: it was an invite for a baby shower for my husband cousin's wife. I don't want to be ungrateful. It is nice of them to think of me and invite me. They don't know about our struggles with infertility. But I don't think I'd like to go and put myself through the pain of spending an afternoon with pregnant women and baby talk. I don't think I can do this. Infertility takes all this joy away from you.

I wish I could just be a normal women for 9 months and enjoy the blessing of having a baby grow inside me. A real baby moving inside me. To be able to go out and buy maternity clothes. To see my belly grow and be actually happy about it. Instead I feel broken. I know at the end of the day infertility makes me stronger. But the pain is never gonna go away.