In infertility hell!

Disclaimer: This is maybe too much information as I write about my cycle.

I know, I wrote in one of my previous posts that infertility is taking a backseat right now. That can change quick as I now know. It all started yesterday when I piled another load of laundry in the washer. I had this strange feeling that is always so familiar. AF is on her way. My last cycles have been kind of strange. The cycle before this one lasted only 21 days and this one 25. Something is wrong here. Also I don't have the usual strong flow, just when I go to the bathroom. Which is strange. I usually have a 28 day cycle with a lot of blood in the first couple of days. I wonder whether my hormone levels are somehow off. I don't really want to go to see a doctor.

Having AF come visit is probably one of the worst things that can happen to an infertile (except if you have PCOS, I guess then AF is really welcome). As if the pain wasn't enough, we had made dinner plans to go and meet with some friends and a very nice couple we had met in a restaurant recently. Did I mention that we were meeting the friend who is pregnant with twins?

When we got to the restaurant the other couple was already there and we started chatting. I had brought some adoption paperwork for our friends to sign, so I told the woman that we were adopting. She told me how they had tried to have children for five years and nothing ever happened. They eventually did IVF, because she has PCOS and have a three year old now. They did 6 IUIs and have a one year old as well. She knows the pain of infertility and could feel what I was going through. When our other friends arrived, the pregnant woman had a noticeable belly. She is very tiny and you wouldn't believe there were twins in there. She is already halfway through her pregnancy. We continued to chat about children and the first woman was going on and on. After like two hours or so I said that if she didn't stop now, I had to cry as I was about to burst out in tears at that moment. It was infertility hell for me. Having cycle day one and sitting between a pregnant with twins woman and a stay at home mom with two kids. It is not their fault. I should be happy for them.

It just is so hard sometimes. We meet fellow infertiles and are jealous when they were able to leave the island. Aren't they our sisters any more when they made it to the other side? Shouldn't their achievement give us hope? Hope that maybe one day infertility is history? I so hope for all infertiles on this earth that this day will come.

There is a discussion going on in the online community whether secondary infertility (after you already had a baby) is easier. Women with primary infertility claim that their pain is the worst. And I agree. We never get to experience carrying a pregnancy to term, feeling a baby grow inside us, getting the first soft kicks, waking up because the baby has hickups, experiencing to give birth, to hold your baby for the first time, seeing you or your partner in your baby's face. Women that have been blessed to experience that at least once are so lucky. But I can understand that secondary infertility is hard as well. Even if you have already a child.

We also worked on our adoption paperwork yesterday. I thought the paperchase was over after we had all the documents that we need for the home study. Turns out there is always more you can/should do.... But I feel like me made a lot of progress. I will copy everything tomorrow and then we will mail it in later this week.

Hubby is gone for a couple of days to spend some time with his family. I have to work, so I will wait patiently (?) until he returns home. It is so hard to let him go. I always worry about his safety. I miss him the second he drives away. I feel incomplete without him. He truly is my love and my best friend.