Hope crushed!

I just got a call from my RE's office. The blood test I did this morning was a BFN. Again. I am on cycle day 29 today and my temperature has been up the whole time. I was so hopeful that it might have worked naturally. I didn't really have any signs of early pregnancy, but I had to pee - a lot. And so I got my hopes up. With the rising temperature. A little more, every day. And now I feel like my hopes have been crushed again.

Katie, a fellow blogger, has described in her blog "Taking the statistical bullet" exactly how I feel at this second.

http://takingthestatisticalbullet.blogspot.com/2007/10/nothing-to-see-here.html

(I don't know yet how to link a different blog that I quote to my blog, can anyone help me with this?)

I prayed for a long time this morning after a couple of months where I didn't really feel connected to god. Probably I was still angry with him and grieving about our losses. How can he let this happen? Why did he plant this strong desire to be a mom inside me if he makes it so hard to fulfill? Will I ever understand his plan for my life?

And I think I am getting weird. I thought I wait with sending out the adoption paperwork (including the check) until after I hear back from my RE's office. And then I had this weird thoughts that when I send it out before, I will be pregnant (and the money will be gone, but who cares) or if I have spent the postage, I will be pregnant. But of course when I was just on my way to the mailbox, my phone rang with the bad news.

Time to send out the adoption paperwork!!! The first step of fulfilling our dream to expand our family!