Remember how when you first started telling people that you adopt? Remember all those stories of all those people they knew that that once they had adopted got pregnant on their own. Remember how it sounded like the children you would adopt were only second best choice? Remember how you told those people that this was not the reason why you decided to adopt? Remember that you read somewhere that it only happens for 5% of all people that have adopted? Remember how often you heard that story? Can it only be 5%?
Well, it does happen indeed. Dave and his wife are pregnant. Congratulations!!! It is amazing!
Dave is actually not the only one it happened to. There is a really nice couple I know that have adopted because they had tried for four years to have a baby. The woman was already 42(!) when she got pregnant.
So my question is: what is wrong, what is right? Only 5% or does it happen all the time? Or do the people it happens to just talk about it a lot while people it doesn't happen to just don't talk about it. Or does caring for a newborn change the composition of the hormones in you body which leads to greater probability of becoming pregnant? I don't know. But I know that nobody I know adopts as a pregnancy enhancement. We adopt because we want kids...
9 comments:
I also know people who have adopted and gotten pregnant. I hate when people say that to me because I'm thinking, um, no you need both eggs and swimmers to do that, but I smile sweetly and say nothing.
I think it's a case of the exceptions proving the rule. The actual number of "accidental" pregnancies after adoption is tiny, but they stick in our minds and so people begin to think it's more common than it really is. If it really happened all the time, no one would make a big deal out of it.
To me, the insulting thing isn't so much that people bring the possiblity up, it that they assume it's a common/valid/obvious motivation for adopting.
My fertility doctor has a medical theory about that very thing. He thinks that having a baby in the home (i.e. a newly adopted baby) and hearing that baby's cry increases the presence of oxytocin in the body (actually that part is a scientific fact). His theory is that oxytocin can level out some alpha levels that will balance out your immune system, thus allowing some women to become pregnant (please excuse the vagueness- its been a year since he told me about it). He is having a lot of success getting women pregnant by injecting oxytocin (not me of course!) So, I do think that there is SOME level of science involved in the stigma. We will see.....
However, I don't want/need that to happen for me at all -- and it wont if his theory is true, becuase I already tried it!!!!
Hi Yoka,
Such an interesting post! I have heard this very comment at least a dozen times since I started talking about adoption...it seems to be the natural thing that comes to everyone's mind when they think of adoption.
Personally I think it mostly has to do with human nature. People like to have stories to tell and they like to be able to relate to other people, even if they can't do so directly. Perhaps the fact that post adoption pregnancy is actually pretty rare makes it more heard of, if that makes any sense? Everyone seems to know someone who this happened to, but maybe that's only because those stories are so special that they get passed around a lot?
Who knows! I generally just try not to worry too much about the broad misconception everyone has about this. I wish they could understand that we're not adopting as a second best choice, in one last futile hope that we might happen to get pregnant afterwords, but rather that we're simply building our families a different way.
There seems to me to be so much about adoption that's misunderstood, which is why I love blogging and this blogging community. One small step (or post) at a time we're getting more and more truth out there. I'm an optimist at heart and I think that has to make a difference in the grand scheme of things somewhere along the way!
Melba
Thanks for the shout out, Yoka! We're still in a state of disbelief...
I think it's like a Lamborghini sighting: exotic cars like that are so expensive that they're relatively rare. Although everyone will tell you when they spot one. (maybe that's more of a guy analogy...)
I think pregnancy after having adopted IS extremely rare; only between 5-7% of all adoptive parents have ever gone on to get pregnant. But it's because it's so rare that people remember someone that has experienced it.
(and we're both truly sorry for further prepetuating the myth that you get pregnant after you've adopted. We weren't trying...honest! [grin])
Yoka, I couldn't agree with your last comment more. We adopt because we want the kids. Never once have I seen it as a second choice. I think that's why we moved on so quickly from infertility treatments...we knew adoption was the way OUR family was going to come together.
I try not to let it bother me, but I HATE how people automatically say "oh, you're adopting! you know you'll get pregnant right after the baby comes home!" Like it's some sort of reward. Like the adopted baby is a means to an end.
I would welcome any baby that came my way, but part of me hopes we will not be able to have biological children. Adoption is the birth of our family and I am so at peace with that!
People who harp on the popular but ridiculous theory that adoption increases or results in pregnancy are completing missing the point. Making those comments suggests that by adopting you are going to get what you really want....a biological child. By adopting you are settling for second best. Many couples choose to adopt and not even try for biologicial children. My husband has wanted to adopt for years...long before we were married and even before we met. Before knowing getting pregnant would be a challenge he used to say to me "but we are still going to adopt right?". Adoption was always a first choice for him.
Don't you love how people who have no clue and aren't affected by infertility and the many decisions and difficult choices that have to be made are suddenly the experts?
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