Our friends just had two wonderful perfect baby twins in addition to their adorable two year old. I congratulated them, but I found it so hard to be joyous, because deep inside I was just jealous. Of course I don't want them to see this bitter side of me which I don't like at all.
I am jealous that they can have so easily what seems so difficult, far, and unreachable for us right now. And then double the luck!
I don't even know how it is possible that people conceive naturally. Well in theory I know, but it seems to be such a difficult thing to happen. Everything has to be perfect with the timing. The right sperm has to find the right egg. It seems like such a big miracle and wonder to me how it actually happens to people. In the infertility community natural conception seems like such a rare thing to happen. We take drugs, time intercourse, have tubes inserted in us, have surgeries to have our eggs taken out and put back in after they were united in a petri dish with the sperm.
I sometimes catch myself looking at pregnant women (they are all over the place these days) and wondering how they got so lucky to conceive without going through all this struggle. I am personally surprised that humankind has survived so far.
The agency presented us to another birthmother last week. The baby is already born and she was trying to make a decision. She was looking at 15 profiles, so I didn't really think our chances were very high. But this week we found out that they have not been able to contact her any more...
And as we are counting down the days until our departure date in September, I am very concerned that this adoption will happen before we leave. I am terrified we will never be parents. That fear is leaving me very restless recently.
A fellow blogger, Karen, had the worst thing for an adoptive family happen to her. The birthparents decided to keep the baby after they already had the baby for a couple of days. I can't imagine how much she must be hurting. I am really glad that it happened to us before the baby was born. At least we hadn't met him yet, Even if we had started to love him the day we had learned about his existence.
7 comments:
This too is my worry...once we are chosen and after the delivery the mother has 48 hours to change her mind. God help me!
The wait period is by far the scariest and most threatening part of the whole process. I don't really know how to deal with it other than to keep telling myself that if it is meant to be, it will be. It only gets me so far, though. It won't take away the pain.
I hear ya about the jealousy thing. It is really rough and I HATE that other's peoples' happiness often sends me to tears, but it is so natural and understandable. I think once we have our little ones it will be easier, although I am sure the pain will always linger a little.
I have a very hard time w/the jealousy thing. I KNOW it's wrong, but I can't seem to stop myself from feeling that way. On the other hand, it's probably healthy that I can admit my feelings instead of stuffing them down.
Oh wow, that's terrible and what most potential adoptive parents dread (other than a scam). Heart breaking.
The jealousy monster also claims my normally sweet disposition at times! I think it is only normal for us to feel this way after so much struggle to do what others seem to do without even thinking. I have a friend who recently gave birth to twins also, and that was especially tough. How come she can get TWO and all I'm really asking for is one! Then there's also my sister, who is pregnant right now with her third baby. Sometimes I wonder how we came from the same parents...we are so different! Of course I love her, and my friends and all their sweet babies, but it's just hard to see the world of young families swirling around you everywhere when you don't have one of your own.
As for your friend Karen, I am so sorry for what she is going through. This is probably my greatest fear with the whole adoption thing. I will be keeping her in my thoughts.
Hang in there and don't give up...you never know when *it* will happen!
Melba
Hi friend-
Jealousy lives within all of us, and those who deny their jealousy aren't really living.
Hang in there, friend. Your jealousy is completely normal. It's hard to be joyous when our arms remain empty...You WILL be parents, your time IS coming, JUST HOLD ON.
I have those jealous feelings too - all the time. I try to hide them as I smile, but at the same time, I'm thinking, "if you knew how I really felt right now, you would hate me." But I also remind myself that these are normal feelings. And it's not as though you can't have what they have. It's just that your journey to get there is probably going to be a little different.
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