Faster than expected...

... came the end of our second IUI. I don't even know where to begin. AF arrived on Saturday and I went in for a day three blood test this morning. I just called the nurse. My FSH level is 26,6 (which is post menopausal according to her). So stimulation wouldn't work and we can't do anything this month. Which means our infertility journey has come to an end for now. Next month we don't have an insurance that would cover IUI and we haven't fulfilled our deductible, so we'll have to pause. I don't understand. My eggs seem to be broken. Why? I am only 33 years old.

The doctor wants me to come in for a consultation meeting next week. I will ask him about the AMH level which seems to be more realistic. I had had a higher FSH level once before, but it went down again in the month to follow. But that doesn't really help us in our quest to do one more IUI before the end of the year. So I guess, we have to accept that we are at a point where we have to build our family through another way. Time to call the lady from the agency and schedule the intake meeting.

The pre-adoption group on Saturday went well. It was great to talk to other couples that are going through the same struggles. We focused on attachment, trans-racial adoption, etc. They also had a birth mother, a teenage adoptee and adoptive parents speak. Especially the birth mother left a lasting impression. It was incredible how much love and thought she put into the whole process. She really wants kids with her boy-friend, but they just weren't in a place where they could provide for the baby. The boy-friend came with her for support and we were impressed how brave they were to come and talk to us about their adoption. She was adopted herself and didn't have a good experience growing up. Her adoptive family wanted her to do an abortion. They told her that they wanted her to move out when she made the decision to keep the baby.

On the way home I realized how terrified I am that my parents will have a hard time to realize that it will be the end of their genealogical line. I haven't talked to my dad about the adoption yet, because I don't want him to worry about me. His health is not very good and I thought, I would tell him once we are further in the process, but I believe I can't protect him by this. I guess I have to share our infertility struggles with him.

My Mom knows about our struggle. But I wouldn't call her super-supportive. She knows how much I hurt, but all she says about adoption is that she can't give us any advice. I wish she would just say, it is o.k. to build your family through adoption. I wish she would just say how much she is looking forward to meeting her adopted grandchild. I told her about the pre adoption group and that we had covered trans-racial adoption. And she answered: "So, you want a black baby?". I told her that we would take any baby we could get. It wouldn't matter whether it is black, white, yellow or green. We are already a bi-racial and bi-cultural couple so why not add more diversity to our family? The only thing she said was that I shouldn't believe that it is going to be easy with an adopted child. Thank you Mom. Great support! I think she is overwhelmed and doesn't know how to handle the situation. Welcome to the club, Mom!!!

Oh, what are you doing here???

This morning I think I had the most embarrassing moment at my RE's office. I think I mentioned in a previous post, that everybody is just sitting there and nobody talks. Well today, that certainly changed. When I was signing in, I heard the nurse call a woman with a name that I know. I don't really know her very well, but she is one of my husband's colleagues and I have seen her on several occasions. So I decided to say "Hi" to her. The conservation went something along the lines of:

Me: "Hi, I didn't know you were coming here, too."

She: "How are things?"

At that point I thought she was referring to being at the doctor's office.

Me: "Oh the usual. Endometriosis and stuff. How about you?"

She: "Oh work has been pretty busy lately. And I had a great Thanksgiving." Then the conversation was about work and stuff until I was called in for my bloodwork.

I felt completely embarrassed and awkward that I had shared with her information about what was going on with us and she completely ignored it and went on to talk about work. I mean, she is sitting in an RE's office waiting room. It is pretty obvious that she is there for a reason. I believe she is single, so maybe she was too embarrassed to talk about it. But hey, we are probably feeling a similar kind of pain about not having kids. Why not support each other? I don't think you can have enough support while you are dealing with infertility. The support that I get from this online community has been great so far. I started to get comments and am always very excited to read them. I am so excited that there seem to be some people that actually read what I am writing. And with my new counter I can even track where they are coming from.

I am also pretty open with our struggles. I mean, I don't share it with everybody that I first meet, but most of our friends are in the loop. Why hide that we have after more than three years of marriage a desire for children?

Yesterday I sent my brother a link to read this blog. He knows about our struggles. Probably he can't really relate to it, as he doesn't seem to have the same deep desire to have children as me. But I don't mind him reading about what is going on in our life. And this way at least he can stay connected a little even if he is so far away. And I really miss him.

Update: My progesterone level was 13,9. They would rather see 15. My doctor wants me to use progesterone twice daily.