Faster than expected...

... came the end of our second IUI. I don't even know where to begin. AF arrived on Saturday and I went in for a day three blood test this morning. I just called the nurse. My FSH level is 26,6 (which is post menopausal according to her). So stimulation wouldn't work and we can't do anything this month. Which means our infertility journey has come to an end for now. Next month we don't have an insurance that would cover IUI and we haven't fulfilled our deductible, so we'll have to pause. I don't understand. My eggs seem to be broken. Why? I am only 33 years old.

The doctor wants me to come in for a consultation meeting next week. I will ask him about the AMH level which seems to be more realistic. I had had a higher FSH level once before, but it went down again in the month to follow. But that doesn't really help us in our quest to do one more IUI before the end of the year. So I guess, we have to accept that we are at a point where we have to build our family through another way. Time to call the lady from the agency and schedule the intake meeting.

The pre-adoption group on Saturday went well. It was great to talk to other couples that are going through the same struggles. We focused on attachment, trans-racial adoption, etc. They also had a birth mother, a teenage adoptee and adoptive parents speak. Especially the birth mother left a lasting impression. It was incredible how much love and thought she put into the whole process. She really wants kids with her boy-friend, but they just weren't in a place where they could provide for the baby. The boy-friend came with her for support and we were impressed how brave they were to come and talk to us about their adoption. She was adopted herself and didn't have a good experience growing up. Her adoptive family wanted her to do an abortion. They told her that they wanted her to move out when she made the decision to keep the baby.

On the way home I realized how terrified I am that my parents will have a hard time to realize that it will be the end of their genealogical line. I haven't talked to my dad about the adoption yet, because I don't want him to worry about me. His health is not very good and I thought, I would tell him once we are further in the process, but I believe I can't protect him by this. I guess I have to share our infertility struggles with him.

My Mom knows about our struggle. But I wouldn't call her super-supportive. She knows how much I hurt, but all she says about adoption is that she can't give us any advice. I wish she would just say, it is o.k. to build your family through adoption. I wish she would just say how much she is looking forward to meeting her adopted grandchild. I told her about the pre adoption group and that we had covered trans-racial adoption. And she answered: "So, you want a black baby?". I told her that we would take any baby we could get. It wouldn't matter whether it is black, white, yellow or green. We are already a bi-racial and bi-cultural couple so why not add more diversity to our family? The only thing she said was that I shouldn't believe that it is going to be easy with an adopted child. Thank you Mom. Great support! I think she is overwhelmed and doesn't know how to handle the situation. Welcome to the club, Mom!!!

A complicated relationship

Update: My mom just called. My brother's girl-friend hosted a surprise party for my brother. My parents went in. I don't know why she didn't tell me. Everything seems alright now. My brother was crying when she hugged him and congratulated him on his birthday... I am so glad that this worked out.

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I was so upset this morning. My brother has his 40th birthday today. And my parents congratulated him............ via telephone. I have to add that they live 3 miles from his house. Their excuse was that my dad couldn't climb the stairs at my brother's house (my brother lives on the third level). How can you do something like this to your son? Especially since they drove 50 miles yesterday to visit my dad's brother and his family. I was so upset when my brother told me about it. He had invited them for a coffee and they had declined. I called my mom and told her that they should at least go there and congratulate him. Even if my dad has to stay in the car and they are only ringing his doorbell to show him that they made the effort to see him. He is their son!!!

She said that he disappointed her a lot this year, but she has forgiven him. Well, if she has forgiven him, why is she behaving like a 5 year old with a tamper tantrum? Why didn't she treat him the way like the lost son in the bible??? I ended up hanging up on her wishing her a great day. I tried to call her later on, but she wouldn't answer the phone.

She even told my brother's girl-friend (with whom she spoke on the phone last night) that she thought whether she should call at all. Of course my brother's girl-friend told him. I don't even want to imagine how much that must have hurt him.

The relationship between my parents and my brother has always been difficult and a complicated one, more so in the last 15 years. I believe my mom is upset that my brother doesn't give her the support she might like with my dad. My dad had a stroke two years ago and hasn't been doing so well since then. He spent 84 days in hospitals this year alone...

My brother has his own business, so he doesn't have the time to take care about the family farm (we don't have any animals any more, but still several fields which are leased). And he is visiting my parents regularly. Maybe not as often as they would like, but he comes there about once a week.

I am still so freaking angry about my mom. I don't really know what to do. They live in Europe, so I can't go and talk to her about it. Why do family relation-ships have to be so complicated???