12dpiui - one more day

Another day down. I just called the doctor's office and I can come in for the blood test tomorrow. The last day I didn't really fell anything except some stomach pain and several times a shooting pain. After all IUI has just a 15% chance to work anyway. So I am preparing myself for another negative. I still haven't POAS.

Yesterday we had mail from the adoption agency. They sent us our homework for Saturday, including several articles to read and a questionnaire to fill out. The questions were on the articles and most were pretty easy, just the last two I didn't understand. I'll have to ask my hubby about it... I didn't think we had to do homework for the agency, but I just see it as another step that brings us hopefully closer to our dream of enlarging our family.

Last night we sat down and decided on our future health insurance. We both had a gut feeling that we wanted to change back to Blue Cross/Blue Shield and after some plan comparison this is exactly what we did. They don't pay any infertility treatment, but we won't need that next year as we are focusing primarily on adoption.

The other thing we did last night, was to get our X-mas decoration down from the attic and spread it all over the house. And hopefully this week-end we will go out and buy a Christmas Tree. I am not used to having a tree up weeks before Christmas. In my family we didn't put the tree up before the 24th of December which is also the evening when we celebrated Christ's birth. Most of the time, it was my dad bringing in the tree from outside and my mom decorating it. I didn't really like decorating the tree, but got dragged into it several times. Since my dad had his stroke that tradition has changed and Christmas at home will never be the same. I am scared to go home for Christmas because it used to be such a great night when I was growing up. It was really special. But now it is just another night and not that special any more. I guess I have to realize that I am an adult now and Christmas with my parents will never be the same.

And Christmas is the time of the year when infertility hurts like crazy. Christmas is supposed the feast of the family. For me it is not any more the symbol of joy and life. For me it is symbolized by grief. I have my family far away from me. And everything that is so special about it, is a constant reminder of our infertility. I just want it to be over with so that we can transit to the next year.

What will 2008 bring for us? Apart from another move overseas? Will we have a child to love next Christmas?

I still remember that my RE told me last year: "We gonna make 2007 a great year for you!" And I believed it. And a year later, here we are: more than 15.000 dollars poorer and even after two miscarriages and three IVFs not one step closer to having a baby in our arms.